How often do we blame for their troubles, misfortunes, and just not existing in the lives of others, circumstances, fate, God? And honestly believe that they themselves are not able to change anything. But is it really? Or maybe the role of the weak and helpless person our best, and we just don't want to abandon it?
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The type of people who sincerely believe that they were born under an unlucky star or in the wrong country at the wrong time, at the parents, in transactional analysis called victims. They really believe that they have no opportunity to solve their own problems, and they can not take care of themselves.
They are afraid that they will not succeed, so I am constantly in search of someone more influential, who can shift a number of their problems and to absolve themselves of any kind of responsibility.
Their helpless position, they are able to very skillfully manipulate. Renouncing his own desires in favor of others, they are entitled to claim compensation: "I have so much health and strength gave to you! And you do not appreciate my sacrifice!»
Another type of victim — people who believe that they have neither the right nor the resources to live on their own, realize their interests and fulfill their desires. They think not worthy of it, it is either not on the shoulder. So I prefer to leave everything as it is, and only occasionally complain about their plight.
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To illustrate such type of people, let us turn to the domestic cinema. In the Golden Fund of Soviet and Russian movies, enough movies where the main characters play the role of victim.
The first can rightly be considered a film "Cinderella". Perhaps, not one generation of children, especially girls, grew up on this wonderful tale. So, Cinderella.
What is it? Good, hard-working, humble and sacrificial. Her father, a spineless pussy-whipped married an evil woman with two daughters, so that his own daughter has turned into a free maid.
Open from morning to night, walks in rags, tolerate bullying stepsisters, but even dares not utter a word about their disenfranchised and hard life. And all this she does for her father. Why a daughter needs to save his adult parent, no one explains. However, throughout the film Cinderella is doing it.
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Rescuing father, she becomes a victim. He relinquishes his desires, from entertainment, from the sleep of his love, when he agrees to wear leg sister his Shoe, which promises its owner the title "the Bride of the Prince."
One of the conclusions that arises after watching this movie: for the sake of others, let them and their loved ones, to sacrifice himself, his life, his love, but then your suffering will be rewarded. In the fairy tale the Cinderella comes the good fairy. The evil stepmother is defeated, good triumphs over evil. The classic happy end. In the tale, it always happens. And how are things in real life?
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But in real life everything is much more dramatic. Take for example the film Andrei Zvyagintsev's "the Banishment". This is not a children's tale, a film for adults. There are no fairies or princes, or good wizards. But there is a young, beautiful and totally "off" from the life of the main character Faith.
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The whole movie she is sad, cries and goes pensive and silent. Drooping shoulders, weak voice, anguish and longing in his eyes. It demonstrates the most striking and characteristic traits of the victim: the complaint, a description of the problem, the prosecution, and most importantly, the lack of energy and desire to do anything.
When Vera tells her husband that she is pregnant not from him, the responsibility for this situation for some reason she completely lays on their spouse. It needs to make a decision what you can do to keep the baby or have an abortion. And this is perhaps one of the main bonuses that are received by the victim for his helplessness.
Bonus — not to make decisions and not answer for his life, for themselves, for their actions, and all the failures and problems to blame someone else. The whole movie she suffers from loneliness, worried that with her husband they have become strangers, alienated from each other. But what is she doing to correct the situation? Nothing. Periodically swallows the pill, remained silent, enigmatic smiles…
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Faith dreams of a relationship with her husband, but never even sat down and not talk to him. The role of the victim, and she performs brilliantly. And what happens then? And then there is the 180 degrees. Of weak and helpless victim, she turns into a cruel executioner.
The child that she is pregnant, ubertrout, and Vera commits suicide. Two children of Faith become orphans, and the husband, most likely, until the end of life will experience a sense of guilt for the death of his wife. And it is quite a natural course of events. Sooner or later the victim will always turn into an executioner. And the weaker the victim, the more terrible executioner, it may become for their loved ones.
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Why the rescuer often becomes the victim, and the victim in the executioner this was written in 1968, American psychologist Stephen Karpman. He proved that the diversity of roles that people play in their relationships can be summarized in three main.
Three dramatic roles of this game is to Rescue the Executioner and the Victim are really melodramatic simplification of real life. We see ourselves as generous Rescuers are grateful or ungrateful for the Sacrifices of the righteous Pursuers of the wicked and the Victims of violent Stalkers.
These roles are the so-called triangle, where the players are closely linked and constantly changing in their roles. Each player in the game receives a benefit.
Fulfilling one of three roles, people begin to ignore reality, with the head going to play them performance. It is the triangle of Karpman, this is the model of communication, which clearly reveals the most common roles in the relationship. This model is often manifested in the process of our communication in the family, at work, in business.
For example, in the film Avdotya Smirnova's "Kokoko", the main character Lisa skillfully cope with the role of rescuer. For almost the entire movie she saves her newfound friend, Victoria. And does is very selfless, one might even say fanatically.
Pulls from the police, trying to get it to work, teaches, educates, introduces you to friends and the right people. I wonder why she need all this? The answer to this question gives one of the heroes of the film Mitya. When together with Lisa, they come from the sponsored children's home, he drops the phrase: "it's Nice to be a good person."
And this is the main motive of actions of the rescuer. To feel "good girl", "good man", "loyal friend, trusted comrade» and to catch yourself admiring glances of others, because his health depends on, as along with its surrounding.
And to experience a sense of superiority over the victim. But the main prize, which gets the squad for their noble mission is a full justification for its reluctance to solve their own problems, be responsible for their actions, and to live their lives.
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If Lisa in the beginning of the movie is literally obsessed with the salvation of Wiki, then after a while she becomes a victim. When? For example, when instead of having to relax at home after work, lounging on the couch, she sits alone in a cafe, because in her apartment, a crowd of unfamiliar people.
Or when she finds in her apartment her ex-husband and Vika for very naughty and explicit experience. Or when he can't sleep half the night because of the noise of the fountain donated by the same Wick. And what happens next? And then Lisa becomes the executioner and tries to strangle his girlfriend with a pillow.
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Like all three roles are passed. But the game is not finished. She begins again. Lisa is once again becoming a lifeguard and trying to pull out from the police his pseudo-girlfriend. This game could last forever. In real life most often the case.
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As can be seen from the above, the people playing any of three roles, get their own benefits. And this explains their presence in the designated role. The most tragic is that this game is impossible to win.
All the actors of the triangle of Karpman in the end still become victims. And the only way to stop the infinite game is to get out of the triangle. How to do it?
If anyone should change, the first thing you
50 things that daily steal our joy of life
First of all, to recognize itself in this triangle, determine which roles you play, what bonuses you get and what feelings compensate yourself performing a role. Having defined the role, and take a step outside of the triangle.
And this can be done physically. Labeling on the floor of the triangle, to remember all the basic feelings and emotions that are experienced in fulfilling each of the roles, and to step outside this pattern. Walk around the room in search of a suitable place.
To feel truly adult, bade farewell to the familiar children's reaktsiyi willing to take responsibility for your feelings, actions and decisions. And then to see new opportunities, to feel the inner resources to recharge their batteries and become the Director of your own life.published