1356
TRIANGLE Karpman: Protection against manipulation in communion
In a relationship sometimes it "love triangle." Those who hit him, not to be envied, because the taxi out of it very, very difficult. But much more often in the relationship develops so-called triangle Karpman
From the perspective of a love triangle geometry may arise only if one of the angles is obtuse.
Fall in this triangle sometimes almost everything. But few know about it. And it would be better to know about it, because the problems of this triangle is often even more than by love.
So, get acquainted
Triangle Karpman
Actors: "Victim", "The Chaser" and "Saviour».
Storyline:
Act 1: "Victim" is looking for "Saviour", who is trying to throw off the responsibility for solving their problems. If the "victim" is successful, the trap was sprung - the triangle formed.
Act 2: "Victim", the problem is not solved, turns into a "Chaser" and begins to search for the perpetrators of that life is a failure. Guilty, of course, is the former "savior", who falls and anger and hit the former "victims».
Act 3: The former "Saviour", which became a "victim", wonders how come he was a scapegoat in this situation.
Moral: If you are offered to become the savior, it is likely to have been someone then blame in case of failure. So think twice before taking on responsibility for other people's problems.
Consider the example of how this happens in life:
Naughty child
Triangle KarpmanaV family Petrov - trouble. The child no longer obey their parents. "Just at the hands strayed. Can you tell me how to rein it? "- With the hope of the family refers to a family Petrov Sidorov. Two roles already defined: a child - "The Chaser," the parents - "Sacrifice».
"Yes, it should be flogged as a gray goat - exclaims family Sidorov, taking on the role of" savior "- was long overdue. And there is nothing to make a fuss with it, we guarantee you, beat them a couple of times, and will be like silk! »
After whipping Petrov Jr. runs away from home. Petrov looking for someone to blame for what had happened. Needless to say, guilty in their eyes are Sidorov. In righteous indignation, they begin to walk all the familiar and complain: "But imagine that we Sidorovs advised?»
Broken love
Triangle Karpman "I saw how he kissed her ... and after the cafe, they got into a taxi and go somewhere ..." - your friend seems to be absolutely no, crying on your shoulder, telling her a bastard boyfriend . Through tears as it starts to appear demanding, "Tell me, what do I do now?»
In a fit of righteous anger you persuaded her to send a guy to go to hell. Man itself out, although not to the devil, but to the very girl, because of which, and broke all the fuss.
After a few days, you are surprised to find that it is your fault that your girlfriend left alone. At least, this is convinced she and most of your mutual friends, whom she had already sob out his version of what happened.
Business agreements
Triangle Karpman "Our accounting is adjusted very badly", - complains Director manager for the implementation of the accounting system. "Do not worry, we guarantee that after 3 months you'll be fine" - promises the manager, feeling just did savior in this situation.
"It's nice that the solution to this problem, you take the whole", - joyfully exclaims director, signing a contract. Manager at these words is somehow embarrassing to explain that the responsibility for the result is also in the company of the customer. This "shyness", of course, after a while goes sideways.
Implementation began. The customer did not expect that he himself must be pretty sweat to achieve a result in the perturbation, "just promise with three boxes, but now all the work shift for us, and the result is not to be seen».
Becoming the "persecutors", he rings round all my friends and business advises them to use the services of the IT-companies.
Cashmere coat
Triangle KarpmanaVasha girlfriend is going to shop for the clothes of the new winter and asks you to help her choosing. Once in the store, you are guided by your own taste, persuaded her to buy a bright red cashmere coat "Just telling you, do not hesitate, it you look great! Buy! ».
The next day, it turns out that your girlfriend's husband, and all his family, can not stand bright colors. A friend in tears. Money wasted. Who is to blame? Well, certainly not myself!
"Fool, I was that the advice of this bitch" - with tears she will keep ringing in the next few days your mutual friend, telling you how bad person.
If you're in the same way does not help her buy a fur coat and a car, that you claim to increase in proportion to the value of the car.
In fact in all these stories "Victim" is not such a victim, but rather an experienced manipulator, hanging on others responsibility for their lives. A more deserving of sympathy, "Savior," which in most cases ugotovlena fate scapegoat when suddenly something in the life of the so-called "victims" goes wrong.
... What went wrong and what can we do?
What is the fundamental error "Savior"? An American manager answered that question following metaphor:
Triangle KarpmanaOsteregaytes "monkey"! Each employee is included in your room, brings with him a crowd of "monkeys" - big and small problems that he wants to discuss with you. In fact, he wants only one thing: to transplant "monkeys" from their shoulders to your to them instead tormented you. Beware of this! Make sure that each incoming received all of their "monkey" back ...
Council Absolutely. No matter how wanted to "sacrifice" to push the responsibility for solving their problems on you, your task - to return back to this responsibility. What it is often very difficult, as the grip of the victim experienced a lot like a bulldog grip - clinging to someone she does not hook or by crook, but gets her.
Therefore it is useful to know the techniques that help steer with minimal losses from such situations.
At least you can use the following techniques:
Direct refusal
"Listen, your life - this is your life. And I consider myself no right to interfere in it. Therefore solve itself, how do you choose to live on ... »
You directly and openly says the man did not intend for it to solve its problems. This option is well suited for business and not very close relationship.
For example, in the case of "unruly child" family Sidorov could well answer: "Nothing here you can not help. Raising a child purely personal matter, and we do not want to interfere in your family problems. To solve this problem you need it »
Help is not advice, and energy
Very often, the person becomes the position of the victim just because he lost heart, he does not have enough strength and energy to ensure that their own decisions.
If so, it is reasonable not help advice, and energy. Cheer up man, wake in him a desire to act, to change something!
In the example of "the broken love" could explode with the words: "Well, what are you here for a little pretend? !!! Itself is something you can not decide how to act in such a situation? !!! No longer go to the first class! So come on! Exercise your brain! And think of herself! I am sure you will succeed! Take Action! Forward! »
On the emotional lift after these words your girlfriend she can decide how it be with her boyfriend. And, accordingly, this problem will no longer hang on you.
This method, on the one hand you hedging against possible claims by the victim, and on the other, allows you to actually help your loved one that he really needs - their energy!
Translate arrows
If the victim requires you to solve your problems, then you can gently let her know that she went to the wrong address and move the arrow to the other person who is better than you, for the role of "savior" in this situation.
"You know, try to go to a family therapist. It is better than what we tell you what to do with a difficult teenager "- after such a proposal Sidorov, Petrov is difficult to insist that it Sidorovs solved their problem.
"Let's postpone this coat. Tomorrow zaedesh with her husband, and even let it favors, like it or not this style. After all, it was he who gives money to purchase ", - sensible advice that will save both you and the girlfriend of possible problems in the situation with" cashmere coat ».
It is very important to accurately translate the arrows, that is, the right people. Another man unlikely to say thank you for it piled on the problems of the victim, if their decision is not in his jurisdiction.
Indirect advice
The usual advice is often perceived as a direct reference to the action, which then gives the "victim" of a moral right to accuse you of failure. Indirect advice - it's just more information, designed in the form of stories from the life of other people on the basis of which the victim of the decision must be made.
"But Ivanov, when their youngest began to vandalize, so they began to raise his belt. And it helped. A week has behaved like silk. Not sure if this is the best solution, but if you think it works, then try "- giving advice in a form Sidorovs protect themselves from possible accusations by Petrov in the future.
"One of my friends, you do not know her when her boyfriend spree with another, so she arranged for him such a scandal! A little glass is not povyletali! And you know, he said to her was filled with so much respect and love that they now live not spill water. If you think that your boyfriend is a ride - that you can try. But be careful, the other my friend after this guy all gone "- another example of indirect council in the case of" broken love ».
So, if you want to make sure that "the wolves were fed and the sheep are safe" (ie, it would be desirable and to give advice, and leave the responsibility for the final decision on the "victim"), the Council is not directly but indirectly.
The conclusion of an agreement on sharing responsibility
The reception, which is traditionally used in the business: the contract is concluded, which clearly spelled out the responsibilities of each party. Thereafter, any or mutual claims are possible only if they have been pre-specified.
If the manager of the implementation of the accounting system immediately in the contract have that part of the work, which will be borne by the customer, then the director of the company would not be a reason for complaint.
Or another example: if a tutor promises to prepare the student for the exam, he risks falling into a triangle Karpman. In case of failure, it is blamed for the poor performance. Therefore, it is important to specify in advance the responsibility of parents to make sure that their child with homework, that the child had all the necessary textbooks, etc.
Signing the contract on the distribution of responsibility, makes it clear you are a "victim", you are helping her only to the extent specified in the contract. The rest of the work to achieve a result, you are returning on the shoulders of "victims", forcing herself to actively participate in solving the problem.
It should be remembered that the "triangle Karpman" - is only a model. And like any model, it describes reality only approximately. Sometimes people ask your advice not because you want to hang the responsibility for the result, but because they need more information.
Carefully look at the world. If a person needs just your opinion - then give him your advice. But if you see that a person really wants to "transplant on your shoulders of their" monkey "" - do not fall into that trap.
Seldom find themselves in this triangle.
Believe me - you do not belong there. You deserve the best!
From the perspective of a love triangle geometry may arise only if one of the angles is obtuse.
Fall in this triangle sometimes almost everything. But few know about it. And it would be better to know about it, because the problems of this triangle is often even more than by love.
So, get acquainted
Triangle Karpman
Actors: "Victim", "The Chaser" and "Saviour».
Storyline:
Act 1: "Victim" is looking for "Saviour", who is trying to throw off the responsibility for solving their problems. If the "victim" is successful, the trap was sprung - the triangle formed.
Act 2: "Victim", the problem is not solved, turns into a "Chaser" and begins to search for the perpetrators of that life is a failure. Guilty, of course, is the former "savior", who falls and anger and hit the former "victims».
Act 3: The former "Saviour", which became a "victim", wonders how come he was a scapegoat in this situation.
Moral: If you are offered to become the savior, it is likely to have been someone then blame in case of failure. So think twice before taking on responsibility for other people's problems.
Consider the example of how this happens in life:
Naughty child
Triangle KarpmanaV family Petrov - trouble. The child no longer obey their parents. "Just at the hands strayed. Can you tell me how to rein it? "- With the hope of the family refers to a family Petrov Sidorov. Two roles already defined: a child - "The Chaser," the parents - "Sacrifice».
"Yes, it should be flogged as a gray goat - exclaims family Sidorov, taking on the role of" savior "- was long overdue. And there is nothing to make a fuss with it, we guarantee you, beat them a couple of times, and will be like silk! »
After whipping Petrov Jr. runs away from home. Petrov looking for someone to blame for what had happened. Needless to say, guilty in their eyes are Sidorov. In righteous indignation, they begin to walk all the familiar and complain: "But imagine that we Sidorovs advised?»
Broken love
Triangle Karpman "I saw how he kissed her ... and after the cafe, they got into a taxi and go somewhere ..." - your friend seems to be absolutely no, crying on your shoulder, telling her a bastard boyfriend . Through tears as it starts to appear demanding, "Tell me, what do I do now?»
In a fit of righteous anger you persuaded her to send a guy to go to hell. Man itself out, although not to the devil, but to the very girl, because of which, and broke all the fuss.
After a few days, you are surprised to find that it is your fault that your girlfriend left alone. At least, this is convinced she and most of your mutual friends, whom she had already sob out his version of what happened.
Business agreements
Triangle Karpman "Our accounting is adjusted very badly", - complains Director manager for the implementation of the accounting system. "Do not worry, we guarantee that after 3 months you'll be fine" - promises the manager, feeling just did savior in this situation.
"It's nice that the solution to this problem, you take the whole", - joyfully exclaims director, signing a contract. Manager at these words is somehow embarrassing to explain that the responsibility for the result is also in the company of the customer. This "shyness", of course, after a while goes sideways.
Implementation began. The customer did not expect that he himself must be pretty sweat to achieve a result in the perturbation, "just promise with three boxes, but now all the work shift for us, and the result is not to be seen».
Becoming the "persecutors", he rings round all my friends and business advises them to use the services of the IT-companies.
Cashmere coat
Triangle KarpmanaVasha girlfriend is going to shop for the clothes of the new winter and asks you to help her choosing. Once in the store, you are guided by your own taste, persuaded her to buy a bright red cashmere coat "Just telling you, do not hesitate, it you look great! Buy! ».
The next day, it turns out that your girlfriend's husband, and all his family, can not stand bright colors. A friend in tears. Money wasted. Who is to blame? Well, certainly not myself!
"Fool, I was that the advice of this bitch" - with tears she will keep ringing in the next few days your mutual friend, telling you how bad person.
If you're in the same way does not help her buy a fur coat and a car, that you claim to increase in proportion to the value of the car.
In fact in all these stories "Victim" is not such a victim, but rather an experienced manipulator, hanging on others responsibility for their lives. A more deserving of sympathy, "Savior," which in most cases ugotovlena fate scapegoat when suddenly something in the life of the so-called "victims" goes wrong.
... What went wrong and what can we do?
What is the fundamental error "Savior"? An American manager answered that question following metaphor:
Triangle KarpmanaOsteregaytes "monkey"! Each employee is included in your room, brings with him a crowd of "monkeys" - big and small problems that he wants to discuss with you. In fact, he wants only one thing: to transplant "monkeys" from their shoulders to your to them instead tormented you. Beware of this! Make sure that each incoming received all of their "monkey" back ...
Council Absolutely. No matter how wanted to "sacrifice" to push the responsibility for solving their problems on you, your task - to return back to this responsibility. What it is often very difficult, as the grip of the victim experienced a lot like a bulldog grip - clinging to someone she does not hook or by crook, but gets her.
Therefore it is useful to know the techniques that help steer with minimal losses from such situations.
At least you can use the following techniques:
Direct refusal
"Listen, your life - this is your life. And I consider myself no right to interfere in it. Therefore solve itself, how do you choose to live on ... »
You directly and openly says the man did not intend for it to solve its problems. This option is well suited for business and not very close relationship.
For example, in the case of "unruly child" family Sidorov could well answer: "Nothing here you can not help. Raising a child purely personal matter, and we do not want to interfere in your family problems. To solve this problem you need it »
Help is not advice, and energy
Very often, the person becomes the position of the victim just because he lost heart, he does not have enough strength and energy to ensure that their own decisions.
If so, it is reasonable not help advice, and energy. Cheer up man, wake in him a desire to act, to change something!
In the example of "the broken love" could explode with the words: "Well, what are you here for a little pretend? !!! Itself is something you can not decide how to act in such a situation? !!! No longer go to the first class! So come on! Exercise your brain! And think of herself! I am sure you will succeed! Take Action! Forward! »
On the emotional lift after these words your girlfriend she can decide how it be with her boyfriend. And, accordingly, this problem will no longer hang on you.
This method, on the one hand you hedging against possible claims by the victim, and on the other, allows you to actually help your loved one that he really needs - their energy!
Translate arrows
If the victim requires you to solve your problems, then you can gently let her know that she went to the wrong address and move the arrow to the other person who is better than you, for the role of "savior" in this situation.
"You know, try to go to a family therapist. It is better than what we tell you what to do with a difficult teenager "- after such a proposal Sidorov, Petrov is difficult to insist that it Sidorovs solved their problem.
"Let's postpone this coat. Tomorrow zaedesh with her husband, and even let it favors, like it or not this style. After all, it was he who gives money to purchase ", - sensible advice that will save both you and the girlfriend of possible problems in the situation with" cashmere coat ».
It is very important to accurately translate the arrows, that is, the right people. Another man unlikely to say thank you for it piled on the problems of the victim, if their decision is not in his jurisdiction.
Indirect advice
The usual advice is often perceived as a direct reference to the action, which then gives the "victim" of a moral right to accuse you of failure. Indirect advice - it's just more information, designed in the form of stories from the life of other people on the basis of which the victim of the decision must be made.
"But Ivanov, when their youngest began to vandalize, so they began to raise his belt. And it helped. A week has behaved like silk. Not sure if this is the best solution, but if you think it works, then try "- giving advice in a form Sidorovs protect themselves from possible accusations by Petrov in the future.
"One of my friends, you do not know her when her boyfriend spree with another, so she arranged for him such a scandal! A little glass is not povyletali! And you know, he said to her was filled with so much respect and love that they now live not spill water. If you think that your boyfriend is a ride - that you can try. But be careful, the other my friend after this guy all gone "- another example of indirect council in the case of" broken love ».
So, if you want to make sure that "the wolves were fed and the sheep are safe" (ie, it would be desirable and to give advice, and leave the responsibility for the final decision on the "victim"), the Council is not directly but indirectly.
The conclusion of an agreement on sharing responsibility
The reception, which is traditionally used in the business: the contract is concluded, which clearly spelled out the responsibilities of each party. Thereafter, any or mutual claims are possible only if they have been pre-specified.
If the manager of the implementation of the accounting system immediately in the contract have that part of the work, which will be borne by the customer, then the director of the company would not be a reason for complaint.
Or another example: if a tutor promises to prepare the student for the exam, he risks falling into a triangle Karpman. In case of failure, it is blamed for the poor performance. Therefore, it is important to specify in advance the responsibility of parents to make sure that their child with homework, that the child had all the necessary textbooks, etc.
Signing the contract on the distribution of responsibility, makes it clear you are a "victim", you are helping her only to the extent specified in the contract. The rest of the work to achieve a result, you are returning on the shoulders of "victims", forcing herself to actively participate in solving the problem.
It should be remembered that the "triangle Karpman" - is only a model. And like any model, it describes reality only approximately. Sometimes people ask your advice not because you want to hang the responsibility for the result, but because they need more information.
Carefully look at the world. If a person needs just your opinion - then give him your advice. But if you see that a person really wants to "transplant on your shoulders of their" monkey "" - do not fall into that trap.
Seldom find themselves in this triangle.
Believe me - you do not belong there. You deserve the best!
