The victim position is the position of the person who suffers from the manifestations of other people, the state, external circumstances.
Such people are incredibly patient, usually without external manifestations of aggression and is often the impetus to start to save them, to give them instructions how to act, or just pick up and start doing something for them.
These people usually feel sorry for, they look to be suffering, but this suffering often accompanied by humility. Usually a situation in which is a victim, looks like a good righteous man was the victim of a wicked people, or circumstances.
Feature of these people is that they are largely helpless, unable to defend themselves.But what is really behind this story?
In fact, people who look like victims, there are three very important ways:1. They don't take responsibility for their lives,
constantly finding the source of destruction in the environment. Well, there, the husband is a tyrant, the government/opposition-fiends, not those times, the boss is a fool.2. The aggression in them is actually much,
very much, but it is usually not recognized and, most importantly, manifests itself passively in most cases. Passively means not a direct assertion of itself, is not a direct expression of his "want" or "don't want", and manipulating (provocation surrounding on the right arm to feelings or actions.That is, people not directly reported on what he wants and what something does what others without a direct request, do what the manipulator.
A favorite manifestation of aggression from the position of the victim in the prosecution. No matter it is expressed directly or not, but the fact is that if a person feels guilt, it is often losing its territory, making what is needed from the victim.3. These people, often remain in the so-called white coat.
That is, people who try to do everything "right." It gives a sense of their own goodness and sense made part of a transaction once with someone (usually with parental figures in childhood). This deal looks like "I did/and everything is correct, then I have a right to expect in return, I need relations".
A story that shows the sacrifice, so popular that to find examples tyschschu, on the spot. Enough to look around or look in the mirror (I, by the way, millions of times in your mirror noticed a man-sacrifice).
That would not drown in the examples, I will cite a few highly simplified, convex examples of how this may occur.
Mom talks to son.
— I decided to enroll in culinary school - I don't like the idea of admission to law school.
Mom, clutching at his heart:
— How? It's like this? It means your father so much effort you invest so much money on Tutors gave, indulged in many ways for what would you not repeat our mistakes, and all this in order that you'd become some kind of Ptushnik?!!!... Oh I can't, I have a heart condition.
A woman complains to her friend:
— My husband — the real test! This is my karmic debt! That's all people like people — you have won a good husband, Lucy von Ivan good, and only I got a present! He comes home late and drunk, with lipstick on your shirt! Does not give money for a second month, spending all their entertainment. And I... and I have all day for him to try! And the apartment clean, and cook constantly. And he's even about my birthday, forgot, bastard!
In the first case, the mother transmits the message: I did so much, what would be a good mom, now waiting for you to say that you're a good son to me.
Good son it means that you will do as I need to. But if you don't do wrong to me, I'll make you feel guilty for my feelings and health.
In this situation there is only object against the son. That is, the son is not perceived as an individual with your choices, decisions and feelings. Respect and comments in this situation, the mother does not broadcast. She is trying to put pressure on the son (actually, a very powerful manifestation of aggression) that the son obeyed her will. And she's trying to make it through the position of the victim.
In the second case, a woman complains to her friend's husband. She describes him as a horrible person, and a good helpful hostess. And this wording sounds a deal which, apparently, the woman concluded. And it is very likely that she concluded it unilaterally: I will meet the expectations of a good wife (if anything, these representations can be grandma's or mom's or taken from a magazine), and in return you should show me a good husband. The husband may be completely unaware that he is "as if" in the transaction.
It can be in their fantasies about some of his own deal with his wife. And in his picture of the world a marriage could include blackjack and hookers, as they say.
In this situation, a friend of this woman in the scenario should be aggressive on the husband (e.g.,"what a dick! You look at him!") and perhaps even strongly this aggression to show her husband her friend.And then all over the place in the triangle of Karpman. The victim's wife, a rescuer, a friend, a husband becomes the pursuer.
* * *
Many of us are accustomed to seeing the poor and beggars. Someone has already developed immunity, backed by knowledge of what the mafia might be behind the beggars. And some get the money out of your pocket. If nobody gave, there would be no beggars.
People-the victims can hurt the delicate strings of the soul, calling to her through empathy other people's very strong feelings of compassion and sympathy. People, sometimes, to recognize their state of vulnerability, and supporting others in difficult situations, support is actually yourself. Put yourself in the place of human vulnerability.
And I think empathy and compassion are very important abilities. They are about humanity, which is not so much in the world. Now imagine that, consciously or not, that empathy and compassion are in order to gain any benefit.
To hell with them, fake beggars, about them easy to forget. But forget the son of this functional with respect to itself, using his compassion? Okay, if not easy to forget, but because you can cut down the sensitivity. Well, in the sense that in order to survive in such a hostile environment, could work the mechanism — disable the hell out of any empathy and compassion.
Or, a friend getting involved in a situation with a cheating husband. For example, it involved using empathy and compassion in the situation. Here, she said that everything will be fine, so she took all the initiative in their hands and invited girlfriend to move in with me away from the husband of the cheater. Here she is crammed in my little apartment, trying to persuade my husband that this is temporary, it all takes a lot of effort. And then one day, her friend-the victim flying on the wings of love to her husband, the cheater and tells him "Basil, I'm not guilty, I didn't want you lovely to leave. It was my friend embarrassed me and turned me against you!".
What does a friend rescue? What she was used to. Either a guilty feeling. As a result, everything goes as it was necessary the victim. Doesn't look like a defenseless little one, if you look at the facts, right?
These two examples are completely fictional. But even in describing these examples, I notice its manifestation of sacrifice — I notice that my strings are blaming the victims. That in essence is exactly the same what I write. Well, that is in the process of writing this article while I was up and described these examples, the victims have become my "like" stalkers.And to the reader I appeal to these texts as the rescuer.
I guess I have not reached Zen, when you can describe the examples of the triangle of Karpman and not krujitsya him. But I still try to vykrutasy from this story to focus on main ideas: the position of the victim carries a lot of aggression.And, in fact, being in this position it is easy to become a rapist. That is, to violate the boundaries of others against their will. To steal from them anything — time, resources, efforts.
The position of the victims, I'm sure, familiar to all of us. I know about myself, that I spent most of my life. And the only one I have in this way not raped, who I saved!
I could cry, for example, is naturally suffering from the failure of my will, and my men, could not stand and did the same to me. Beauty!
Or here still can't cope with one of its feature. If I'm not one, I lose the ability to navigate the terrain, and cards for me to have the same functionality as for a monkey goggles. But when I'm alone, I suddenly find ways to navigate. Because when I'm alone, I know nobody can save me.
And if there is someone nearby, but still well oriented on terrain? Yes, I like the first time I see map and can't figure out where to look.And most importantly why? Oh, I was all so helpless and me so easy to be a hero (catch a deal?)
Well, in short, all these games Karpman, Bern and all that are still part of our lives. But when it is safe and waimarino, is the norm. But when it's the only way to be in a relationship, that's when the ambush starts.
In this place I take off my cocked hat with the inscription "victim of victims" and put "rescue the victims"
Yes, the victim is passive (not directly), but very toxic can show their aggression. And in fact, the position of the victims — a very powerful position. And, as you know, to pay for everything. And people-the victims pay for their method to be a constant alarm, which can be in total control.
And why? And all because if we do not take responsibility for themselves (for example, to take care of his life, the security, the money directly to speak all transactions, to clear up what remains in doubt, etc), the responsibility you have to take practically the whole world.
If you simplify the idea, it sounds like "if I feel that others need to take responsibility for my feelings, health and condition, and I feel responsible for the feelings, health and condition of others."
Well, if the examples of the mother, if the son does well and goes to law school., experiences it as "it's all because I'm a good mother, so much invested in it, my son is my accomplishment!" (now it is clear how much indirect expressed anger at his son, if he chooses his own way? It is experienced by the mother as her personal loss as a parent, as a defeat).
If the husband is the second of our fictional heroine comes home on time and without lipstick on the shirt, it is experienced by the heroine so that the consequence of her actions and deeds. "It's all because I'm a good wife", you may think it is.
The transaction can be with anyone and about anything. You can make deals with the ideas of karma and astrological predictions. In all this there is the idea of permeability: there is in this world something more than I do. And that something affects me. This is an absolute sensible and realistic for my taste the idea. But here's how it can turn out, if there is no clear recognition of their actual responsibility and power over their lives — if I do as it is something more believes is correct, then in exchange I get what I need.
Learn the deal?
Ambush only that, projected on the world (God, astrology, etc.), the parental figure could actually support this game with deals (in fact, to teach this game), but the world is essentially indifferent to deals. It is really more of each of us and lives by its own laws, irrespective of whether transactions in your imagination we make.
Therefore, it often turns out that such models of people-the victims do not live their lives, and spend every effort on the hunt for getting a return on their investment (invested forces in the hope of getting the response desired). Sometimes pour in more and more, that would certainly get back. But it turns out to be further and further sucked into the quagmire.How to get out of this sucking force triangle circle?Well, in my words everything is simple:1. Notice it.
To explore how the transition from victim to persecutor. From persecutor to rescuer, etc.2. With the theme of co-dependency is always associated with recognizing own limits
(which without this work, are experienced as very broad, including feelings, actions, and manifestations of other people, events, etc.). And the boundaries are always associated with feelings of anger. Explore his feeling.
Under what circumstances do you push your anger on the very approach? When and how you explode? In General, the essence of all that would learn to recognize their anger as early as possible. To recognize and feel the anger — not to swear, to send someone or hit them in the face. Note the feelings and action of any momentum are two different things. Remark feelings allows you to listen to yourself on the subject of "what I misleading myself this feeling?".3. The most important point. In the position of the victim always has two polar experiences — great personal strength and experience of its influence,
which periodically gives way to an experience of powerlessness, vulnerability and dependence that the person or even circumstances you are handcuffed, robbed of choice.
This happens due to the habit of focusing on something/somebody else, not for yourself. I mean, take care to notice the other (including its resources) is easier than to conduct a realistic inventory of their own resources and focus on the job they multiply (not for others, this is important).
In relationships it can manifest itself finding reasons and excuses why partner doing so, and not that (it's because he has a childhood trauma is because he/she/they...), but all these fascinating researches not enough powder in passion themselves, their lives, their interests, pleasures and resources (including financial).
Try to be more interested in their resources and their development. Try new things, fill his buds a new experience is in some way disappointing part of the changes on their resources, but it is very pays for the actual reality. And it always has a solid support.
So, over time you can build up your resources so that your happiness and internal harmony depended in a large part from you. And that you had a choice — to rely only on their own resources or to trust someone.
The lack of choice, usually, it makes life very difficult.But what would be the possibility to choose arbitrarily, sometimes you have to do a lot of soul. Such cases.
Author: Ksenia Aleeva
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! © econet