As if nothing had happened: the magical manipulation of an opponent after a fight

Manipulation is when one person wants something from another that is not directly declared, but provokes another to actions or feelings that will satisfy his wishlist.

Manipulations are offensive or harmless, funny or not even very good, but their goal is always the same — to blur the boundaries of another. In order not to take responsibility for themselves.

©Epsilon Delta

But the shortage of such liability can grow out of different motives:

  • flirting,
  • fear of rejection,
  • the desire to fuck something without giving anything in return,
  • control,
  • self-assertion,

And self-centeredness — that is when a person believes that a lot is happening or not happening because he's kind or that kind. When a person feels his responsibility for something he really can not influence. But believes that the mood someone's in a bad necessarily for him, in spite of unsuitable weather, and at others I succeed or not, because he is not looked. So, that all has turned out and he got soaked inner critic, it is easier to manipulate insurance.

The motives which grow from the manipulation can be very different — from the insidious, to quite light and inoffensive. But the point is that any manipulation is always associated with the theme of borders — the conscious or unconscious confusion of boundaries.

Here, inspired by this theme, which I love to study, I decided to create a series of notes devoted to the manipulation, the mechanism of which seems to me interesting.

Just want to say that these notes do not carry a judgmental context. That is, I don't think it's bad. For manipulations imbued with almost any communication, and most people use them not so much because of their cunning intentions, but because of their unawareness and doing to others what had once made with them.


My favorite. I call it "Magic"

Magic, because the basis of this manipulation is the focus:

  • that's just what was an unpleasant manifestation, and then op — and as if nothing had happened and everything continues to go as usual.
The essence of this manipulation is that after a quarrel or savory showdown, which resulted in NO consensus was reached (i.e. both sides of something clearly not agreed, not made up, apologized, and ended the contact in a strange note, or understandable, but with the promise of far away) after some time people-posilutely suddenly triggers the continuation of the communication. And makes it so that if there was no quarrel, though he was not sent anywhere, not accused of anything and did not bite, but just kindly initiate communication, like a while ago and there was a bloody showdown.

If the boundaries of the interlocutor unstable for some reason (that is, if there is no clear conscious position and feeling (key word) itself), it starts an internal dialogue along the following lines:

I remember how hurt I was and unpleasant during our last contact.
But now my companion is nice and friendly, perhaps in response to such friendliness and openness appropriate to send a person? It's somehow inadequate.
— But he(a) during the last conversation shouted(a)/sent(a) I/betrayed(a)/... me.
— And maybe(s) he wants to make amends and apologize? In the end don't need to be reptile/rancor is bad/give the man a chance/mercy is good/....

And then comes the borrowing wave "as if nothing had happened".

More roads than people, more important than his good attitude, the more likely it is to fall into this trap.

Very few people I've met who at friendliness would be rudeness. Well, there is, in the Moscow subway, maybe, or in the savings Bank. But this is not about relationships. It's about emotional burnout.

And in relations with significant others their warm and friendly attitude important. Sometimes so important that can be a little blind to not notice the places that take a lot of effort and hurt, and pay to such often unsupported in society feelings like sadness, confusion, anger, and fear.

And so, in some magical way that yesterday could be perceived as "okrenete/I don't fit" somewhere and suddenly switches to "okay, what's up/how are you dear to me(a)/you make me feel good" and other warm feelings.

A "okrenete" is not going away. It goes in the mental astral to wander on the margins of consciousness and seem somewhat strange and even inappropriate. So the hell with it.

Another issue is that then it can accumulate so that it is either big Bang, or depression, or something else dissotsiativnoi.

But I'm now about manipulation, Yes. What is its essence in the context of borders?

Anger (and it is when you send/commit/rude usually present) — this protective feeling which indicates that a person is going through their boundaries are violated (another issue is that it includes within its borders). That is the territory that he considers his, someone encroached without his consent. Someone came and said "I am here (in your borders) I want to do what I want without agreeing with you. Now it's mine."

The essence of this manipulation — to circumvent the protective barriers, avoid clarifying the relationship. But if you don't clarify where whose territory is where and whose interests do not agree about how to interact with each other, given the characteristics of each, will this solve conflict in a relationship? No. This will lead either to distancing (what, both partners can pretend that they have everything as before good, but close-then it's not a massive draught in the shower may remain. And only a brain frantically to cling and seek endlessly "where's my good? it was good! Where suddenly gone?"), or the conflict with great intensity, or to the fact that the territory of one, will be given without informed consent, the importance of their own partner's will fall and will increase emotional dependence.

And without this manipulation to tolerate in a relationship? Similarly you can send each other and everything will fall apart — I asked imaginary interlocutor.

But it is possible. Even if there are no forces to clarify (to clear up something with strong passions can be really opasnenko, because passion can burn to destruction and destruction), it is possible to honestly identify its position.

For example, "Yes, this is a hard place for me in our relationship, but now I'm confused and don't know what I want/I am now in very strong feelings and are afraid to mess things up, so pull away for a while/I feel your hurt, but at the same time I feel that you are important to me(at)/Yes, our last dialogue has been difficult, but now I'm here to apologize for it and that's about it to agree with you".

In General, if not manipulation, that is, the Declaration of its borders, its position/opinion/feelings about conflict. Magic, when something happened, and then op — and as if nothing had happened, is usually used when you want something to hide, or when you want to stick your head in the sand, that would be something frightening or unpleasant not to meet.

And the very recognition of this place and their impulses (e.g. the impulse to maintain the appearance that nothing happened) already avoids splitting. So to preserve the integrity and to find creative adaptation on the part of how to deal with such a tricky place in the relationship.published


Author: Ksenia Aleeva


P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©



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