"Praise us, then we are going to try – I wrote a reader – after all, parents need ongoing support". And the other was so straight and said: "we need to motivate, tell us how cool we are!".
Interesting here, I think the question itself, which reveals the idea of parenthood as a serious work... How about something that requires the wildest of human and material resources. Not whether there are fat and buried a dead dog?
Ninety five million four hundred twenty two thousand five hundred sixty six
Habit of turning into a chore any pleasure confuses us and in the end destroys the sense of fun… And in family relations it manifests itself, it seems in the first place.
The child read a book? That's the whole point... I need to gather strength... Sit down to dinner?.. What fun it is? This is a reason to justify the high rank of the mother – at any price to provide the child with the required amount of calories…
Go for a walk? How to let him wear what you want? I then parent? And educational function? He will begin to relate to life with an outrageous lightness... He finally sat down for the lessons? How is it possible instead to do something that fascinates the both of us?
Because then, God forbid, prayer can turn into a farce. We once played together? Well, how did I not put in the game a daunting task? Because otherwise he'll think you can easily pull the fish from the pond. Live, as you know, not for pleasure, but for conscience...
Support – good. That's just what exactly? For example, take for example a few typical parent patterns.
"I'm yelling and can't stop... you Know, doing stuff, and can not stop", – shares with me the unfortunate mother.
"Beat him, and she crying," the broken voice informs the other.
"I come home tired, and when three-year-old son "climb to me", can be tough to deny him communion, and then the slap. She spent the next day in horrible pain" – going through the third.
And all these moms repeat over and over again: "but this is our essence. We want to have the right to be themselves...".
Of course, dear mother, "be yourself" – a basic right of any person! Only... like this... are you sure you did not confuse? Sure beat the weak, manipulate the stranger and his mood or to invent sophisticated non-existent punishment for misconduct is called to be yourself? Surely this is you, your essence?
I, honestly, doubt it. Just try to do otherwise. Become a real and not invented by your own parents, a teacher, a neighbor, a television program.
Externally, this transformation looks like this (I quote a recently received email):
"I want to say a huge thank you! The child is five. Today for the first time (!) tried to put him without scandal. Always spend half an hour laying. Nerves, tears, and no personal life. And yesterday he fell asleep at the usual time (just got an hour and a half later). My husband and I spent a lovely evening."
Imagine how easy? "Oh, no, not easy, – cry another indignant parent. – Once again you offer something strange. And do what?!". No, I do not believe adults what to do practically nothing. Quite. Just listen to yourself. To be honest.
Parental guilt haunts you and burns the soul? Well sivite finally, this complex! Because an even greater evil to continue to do bad things, and in parallel, to Express our own vulnerability.
"Easy to say" – sadly sighs the reader is an adult. Yep., easy to say, but to do the same – very easy. Just to start already. And the difficulty matter? Or is it, as they say in the immortal "Solaris" by Andrei Tarkovsky, "it has something to do with conscience"?
This, of course, the illusion that after reading another article about children, we shall be changed. But the fact of the matter is that change-that do not particularly need. On the contrary – finally it is to embody the aspiration now is to be a. Otherwise, this continues the usual Groundhog day: we read another article, fall into another fit of guilt, again looking for self-justification and demand praise, break, become miserable, suffering adults and so on.
Freedom is to stop talking about themselves as trained monkeys. Because in that moment we cease to be, and at the same time cease to perceive those of our children. And freed to love. And peace.
We get tired, irritated, nervous, frustrated... All these are manifestations of our humanity. Children give us that right for himself, it is not necessary to win. It is a war that is long over before it even started.
When we treat each other as people lost the need to constantly tell me that "we also have the right». Children initially give us a "head start" that is hard to describe. We're for them, and so are the best, we are always right we make no mistakes. They somehow just accept us for who we are. Isn't that right? How do we have to work to mess things up!
Fifteen million seven thousand four hundred seventeen
In a sense, I call for "noble failure.". Easy in ourselves, we will do. And when I say "love", I mean exactly that. To enjoy love. Then you get tired, and fall off. Giving them the same right.
Because so often adults speaking about their humanity, seek to take it away from the weakest – the children. And to calm the conscience, invent a system of checks and balances, in which the living relationship disappear irretrievably, giving way to a soulless laws and invented by other people rules. Being a good parent means to be alive. Recognizing and accepting the liveliness of others. Then to fight for anything not necessary. Here it is, the Kingdom of God on earth.
No need to engage in self-flagellation, repeating without end "I'm a failed parent." And the truth is: most likely, the one that you are looking for answers and asking questions, means the opposite: you are a great parent. But only between self-flagellation and narcissism lies the abyss. With a huge number of intermediate options.
No., you don't always have to be "the perfect parent form». But you can just be honest, say "I'm tired, cranky, I have problems at work, I want to be alone, at last", instead of to manipulate and say "it's time for you to read, you're a slacker, you're constantly spinning underfoot, I for you again, ashamed," etc.
There is no need to visceversa love including in situations where you feel only irritation. But that doesn't mean the opposite is: without end, replace human relations the educational process, excitedly proud of imaginary successes, and falling into depression from the mythical failures.
How to set boundaries without damaging relationships with children
Stephen Cowan: 11 things worth knowing every parent
No, we must not give himself to the child, because the meaning lies in the fact that they can do themselves. But this does not mean that the loved one must accept fellowship with us as a reward.
When we accept their own humanity and recognizing the humanity of the child, we have as many rights and opportunities that they , pardon the expression, nowhere to go: the right fear and the right to be wrong right to be weary, and the right to go crazy with delight, a right to be angry and right to be lazy, the right to understand and the right to insist on the right to receive and the right to reject, right to hug when I want, and to refrain from embracing, when not before. It's important to remember that these rights are shared.
As for the praise – so that I am always ready. Here it is: you guys are real great! Just please wear that title with honor... posted