This simple fact is very difficult, if stored hopes and expectations from it – the support, acceptance, recognition.
This reality is easier if there is an internal resource of self-acceptance, faith in yourself, support yourself.
This resource allows you not to depend on adoption, recognition of the extent to which this is needed by the child, dependent on adults.
...In any area of life, where we were able to accept yourself, assign its value, we cease to wait for confirmation from the world that we are good enough and we're fine.
And not have to depend on him.
If I believed that I am good enough mother
If I believe that I am an attractive woman
If I admitted that I am a professional,
If I'm sure that you have the right to your voice, your opinions, your choice....
If I'm sure that other people can survive by yourself, without me, and I'm not bad, if you prefer yourself
If I'm in good contact with them – their needs, their feelings, their defenses, I know, understand, accept and handle it like a good parent controlled with child but with boundaries
All recognized becomes a resource.
When I meet with a negative rating from someone, I'm valuable, I remain significant. Negative evaluation is a possible area of development.
... Perhaps I need to clarify something with others – what caused his discontent.
Perhaps my mistake. Maybe it is something wrong. Maybe he wants more than I can give him.His assessment doesn't change my ideas about myself.
She identifies the problem area in relations between us, which I will be able to clarify. Or will not succeed.All, not rated, not recognized in himself remains an area merge with the world.
In this area is not assigning to itself is itself, in its current state, just as I can be at this point in time
In this area I'm waiting for confirmation from the world that I was all right.
In this area I expect that the world will gaff something that's not given by parents.
In this area I still don't trust myself and I'm afraid that I do not believe others.
In this zone I create a codependent relationship with the world in General and individuals in particular.
Often the question "Why are you so stupid?" is completely different: "Why you do not understand or accept me?"
Or here is the question: "Why are you so irresponsible?" means "I cannot take your responsibility, I included in the solution of your problems — because they are afraid of losing control over the relationship"
Or "How can you live without me, to enjoy life?" means: "in order that I might enjoy life, I need you were there always when I need you"
This is how we can detect its merger with the world...... In their expectations, in their thefts, in their attempts to control, hold of the situation, not making changes that can lead to losses....
Most worrying, the least tied to Other resource and attached themselves most harshly, violently.
Resource with more "go", give more rights to separateness, give more freedom.
My clients, after several years of therapy with bitterness tell you about it.
That they are ready to "let go" of their loved ones in their private life, to clear up disputed points (which is inevitable, because different people is different worlds, and tensions between the worlds – a natural thing), ready to share feelings, willing to accept the imperfections of their loved ones, but......
Their families are not ready to the same. Not ready to light, not ready for the responsibility, not ready to let go, not ready for change.
(Maybe with the exception of children that such changes are generally welcome).
This is difficult to accept.Think it's so simple. Take one step and hear. Another step to understand. One more step and let go.
...... While we wait for these changes, insist on them, we are still in merging with the world. Depending on him. Not in cooperation with him.Someone chooses change, some not.
Someone selects a branch, and someone is so scared that he still seems to survive only in the merger.
Both "who" have equal rights to your choice...
Sometimes arose between them the difference is so great that you can come to the sad conclusion that General was the only blood relationship.
And the rest we are totally different worlds.
The world often does not match our expectations.
The easiest way to move someone who has their own resources.
It is belief in his own worth, goodness, belief in the right for their needs, feelings and desires is the right to choose themselves when to divide THEIR resources...
It is the willingness to take energy where give in from many different sources – and not one which pulls codependency....
"I thought my man emotionally stupid, but it turned out that he was just another...... Not like me, he sees things differently. I thought as I feel, should feel and he.... I feel much better now after we cleared that up"
"I didn't believe that my child can handle himself, I reminded him when to get up, when to do homework, when to bed.... How to think, what to want, and he resisted, and I was angry. Now I see that he copes – it was my alarm. Now it's easier for me and my son"
"I believed that if you are unable to reach the mother
so she can understand me, then it was me. I still haven't found the right words and arguments. Now I clearly understand is she can't hear. I did everything I could. She won't be able to hear me, but I don't have to maintain the illusion of her happy family. I got let go."
The world is different.
We each other should nothing.
We either agree or not.
Either give willingly (love, care) or not.
Or take all the same. Or do not take.
As we choose — so be it)
Author: Veronica Brown
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©
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