What to do if a loved one does not meet your expectations

Expectations in a relationship are invisible contracts that we make unilaterally, without asking the consent of the other party. When these contracts are broken, we experience frustration, anger and resentment. But what if the problem is not that our loved ones are letting us down, but how we shape our expectations?

Anatomy of unjustified expectations
Psychological studies show that most interpersonal conflicts arise not because of real actions of people, but because of the inconsistency of these actions with our internal ideas about how others should behave. According to the American Psychological Association, about 70% of problems in close relationships are due to unjustified expectations.
Maria's story: Mary expected her husband to remember all important dates without being reminded, as her father did. When her husband forgot the anniversary of their first date, she took it as a sign of indifference. The conflict lasted a week until they realized that the problem was not forgetfulness, but unspoken waiting.

Three whales of unjustified expectations

• Projecting your own values: We expect others to act on our priorities.
  
• Idealization: Create an image of the “ideal” behavior of a loved one
• Unspoken requirements: We expect people to “understand” what we want them to do.

Selfishness in the mask of care

Often what we call caring for loved ones is actually a veiled form of selfishness. We want a partner, friend or relative to behave in a certain way, not because it is best for them, but because it fits our ideas of comfort and rightness.
Real concern is accepting a person as they are, not trying to fit them to your expectations.

How to recognize disguised selfishness
Neuropsychologist Daniel Siegel highlights several signs that our expectations are driven by selfishness:

• You feel annoyed when a loved one doesn’t live up to your expectations.
• Trying to “fix” or “improve” another person’s behavior
  
• You think you know what’s best for your loved one.
• You only feel in control when others behave predictably.

Practical strategies for meeting expectations
Reality Mirror Technique
When you feel frustrated by the behavior of a loved one, ask yourself three questions:

1. What exactly was I expecting? Make your expectations as specific as possible.
   
2. Have I discussed this with a person? Most expectations exist only in our heads.
3. Whose needs does this expectation satisfy? Be honest about who needs this behavior, you or someone else.

The “Reformation of Needs” Method
Research in communication psychology shows that there is a need behind every expectation. Instead of demanding certain behaviors, try:
Example of reformulation:
It was, "You have to call me every day."
He said, It’s important to feel connected to you. Can we find a way to keep in touch that is comfortable for both of us?

“Accepting differences” strategy

• Recognize the individual: Each person has his own pace, style of communication and ways of showing care.
  
• Look for alternative forms: If a man does not express love in words, perhaps he does it in deeds.
• Appreciate the effort: Focus on what a person is doing, not what they are not doing.
• Develop empathy: Try to understand the motives of behavior from the point of view of another person.

Building Healthy Expectations
Principles of realistic expectations
According to the Gottman Institute for Relationship Studies, healthy expectations should be:

• Discussed: Talk openly about your needs and expectations.
  
• Mutual: Consider the needs and capabilities of the other person
• Flexible: Readiness to adapt to changing circumstances
• Realistic: Based on the real abilities and character of a person

“Agreements instead of expectations”
Instead of unilateral expectations, create bilateral agreements. This approach includes:

1. Expression of need: “I care. . . ?
   
2. Identification of possibilities: “What do you have to offer? ?
3. Finding a compromise: “How can we find a solution that works for both?”
4. Creation of a plan: “Let’s agree on concrete actions.”

Dealing with your own reactions
The technique of emotional regulation
When expectations are not met, it is important to manage your emotional reactions.
Pause before reaction: Give yourself 24 hours before making a complaint. Often, acute emotions are dulled, and the situation is seen more objectively.

• Mindfulness practice: Notice your emotions without immediate reaction.
  
• Switching focus: Focus on what you can control – your reactions.
• Search for positive interpretations: Try to find a friendly explanation for the behavior of a loved one.

Long-term transformation of relationships
Changing expectations is a process that takes time and practice. Studies show that it takes 3 to 6 months of continuous practice to form new patterns of behavior in relationships.
History of transformation: Andrey constantly expected emotional support from his wife in the same style as his mother. After months of working with a psychologist, he learned to appreciate his wife’s unique way of expressing care through practical actions. Their relationship became more harmonious when he stopped trying to change her love style.

Conclusion
Unreasonable expectations are not the fault of loved ones, but a signal that it is time to reconsider your approach to relationships. When we learn to accept people as they are and build realistic, negotiated agreements instead of one-sided expectations, our relationship becomes more sincere and profound.
Remember, people don’t have to conform to our ideas of what they should be. True intimacy is born not from meeting expectations, but from accepting and understanding each other.

Glossary
projection A psychological mechanism in which a person unknowingly attributes his thoughts, feelings, or motives to others.

Empathy. The ability to understand and share the emotional state of another person, put yourself in his place

Emotional regulation Ability to manage your emotional reactions and control their intensity and expression

Mindfulness A state of active attention to the present moment, including awareness of one’s thoughts, feelings, and surroundings

Cognitive dissonance Psychological discomfort that occurs when conflicting ideas, beliefs or values clash

Idealization The process of attributing to a person or relationship exaggeratedly positive qualities that often do not correspond to reality

Attribution The process of explaining the causes of people’s behavior, attributing motives to their actions