In the East there is a saying: "From the pitcher into the cup can be poured only that it was»
If there is water, and you want to wine flowed, one desire is not enough. So it is with people: we are waiting in vain by some human actions, and it just is not filled with the contents to match our expectations
Everything in life happens by chance. Having ceased to be surprised at this fact, I take it as a sign of the universe. For a long time I wanted to express their views on this subject, which we often encounter in everyday life.
Why do we get from others (parents, loved ones, friends, children, acquaintances and strangers) is not what you wanted? Why are our desires in relation to other people is not justified? Why is the relationship leads to disappointment? The situations are different, but the result of one - resentment, anger, frustration. The result of a stressful situation. Why is this happening? Because many continue to try to survive lemon tomato juice.
Our expectations from parents
Here is a case in my practice. Today, at the next session with my client we discussed her relationship with her father. In the process of parsing the various children's situations revealed the following trend. Resentment at his father, which was held for many years, was the result of unrealistic expectations.
Imagine that in one hand, she had a beautiful iridescent casket where her expectations: that all fathers should care for their children, that all fathers should love and care for their child, they are all the time and the money earned should spend only child. Generally continuous need.
And her other hand - inconspicuous gray box with the impressions of her childhood: his father was rarely at home and spend a little time with her, all their earned money he practically spent only on themselves, resulting in constant conflicts in the family. The father did not care about it and did not show their love. Now I do not want to evaluate the behavior of the father.
Poor Do good, it is not about that. At this point my client 39 years, she is not married, personal relations with men do not add up. And she kept waiting for her man will perfectly match the content of a beautiful iridescent casket. Time goes by, and consequently continuous frustration in men. Frustration - a shadow that follows the expectations
From personal experience
From my own experience I know that such unjustified expectations. I'm an idealist, I used to totally trust people. I saw in them only the good, the bad and refused to notice. Everything was great as long as people do as I liked. As soon as his actions did not meet my expectations, I immediately took out a death sentence - you're fired! And that balance - resentment, frustration, the gap in relations
This went on for many years. Stuffed sufficient number of cones, I said to myself, that's enough, I want to change that. How to be? Stop trusting? When meeting place -10? So I can not, it is contrary to my soul. And then it dawned on me, and that if I continued to trust people and to see them as much good. I just change my attitude to people, stop them something to wait for. Frankly, it took time to realize and accept this decision. Now I rarely take offense at people, well, if only a little bit, I'm an emotional person. Anything can happen. Insult long hold, quickly say goodbye to her, and in return I wish joy, happiness and love.
Rule of life
My clients often ask. It is worth or not worth it to help others? How to make so as not to be used? I'll tell you on your own real-life example. I live by the principle: treat people the way we would like them to treat you. And always responded to the call for help.
As soon as somebody give a signal, and I am in full sail raced carelessly. I liked it, I felt satisfied. It's so cool when you need so much. But everything in life comes to an end. I became tired, increasingly began to notice that I have just used. It's so cool when the handy man infallible.
How is it that I was indignant himself. I try to give myself, and I get in return. Zilch. I became increasingly angry and offended, but refuse to help but could not. It has always been my urgent need. But how to combine incompatible things? It is impossible to love and hate at the same time. Oh, miracle! In my head came a brilliant idea! Why do not I use the business principle in everyday life. 13 years ago I gave a rule for myself.
If you are helping another person, I want to get something back from him, I conclude the contract, and we obgovarivayem all the conditions on the coast. If I just want to help, just so unselfish, so I do not expect anything from him in return. It is my wish, why someone should pay for it.
From that moment began my new happy page in their lives. I stopped to wait on the other, what they could not give me, ceased to be offended. I felt and feel the buzz of the opportunity to help other people.
Unreasonable expectations from love
And I want to touch on one important point. How to get rid of unrealistic expectations in the family, a couple with a loved one? My relationship with men is not easy folded. I grew up without a father, so it was hard to know what kind of fruit is - man. And the children have accumulated a lot of grievances. Like any girl, I wanted to also meet your ideal Prince. And falling in love with a man, I believe that he is my true prince.
And like any other prince, he must be perfect. But it was not so. My expectations crumbled like a house of cards, I was disappointed and left. The next time the story was repeated, and each time passed more and more difficult. Many sleepless nights I spent trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong, and why the stories are repeated persistently. I was lucky. I've always been lucky in life to good teachers. I met a man. He was not a prince, and was far from ideal. He taught me how to understand a man, take him for what he is.
Do not be afraid to be honest with him. I learned to love him and in a good and a bad mood. We honestly tell each other about their expectations, and then sitting in the kitchen for a cup of tea deciding how we will solve them. We argued, quarreled, were reconciled. We learned to accept each other without any promises and commitments, learning to trust each other. We just share their love and happiness with each other.
And when it came time to leave, we quietly let go of each other in search of a new love. Now we are just close friends. I do not expect anything from a man, I believe that every person in my life sent me or the experience or pleasure.
I am happy to accept in his life a man without any conditions and expectations, and calmly let them go when relations have exhausted themselves. Now circle screaming man should then man should it. No one owes nothing to nobody. To me at the reception come men who are constantly under stress due to the fact that they can not meet someone's expectations, which are simply not able to keep the inflated bar "should».
All people are different
I am convinced that there are good and bad people, all people are different. Nobody anybody nothing is obliged. Neither parents to children, nor children parents. This applies to relationships with men, with friends, in relation to the people with whom we cross through life.
Everything we do, we do with expectations. If we love someone, you expect that it would be advisable to do with our expectations, we are not even aware. Love creates the biggest disappointments in the world, because the love is blinding, we become blind, deaf and helpless.
Love gives us wings and raises an incredible height. And when love passes, the drop in real life becomes inevitable. A fall from a great height harder because we are waiting for the bottom of the misunderstanding, resentment, disappointment. It is difficult to accept, because the difference before and after the palpable and painful.
Do not expect that people will fit into your idea of them. Love and respect of other people - so let them be themselves. When you stop to expect that people will behave in a certain way, you will look at them differently. We can not know exactly what he thinks and feels different person. So the world works. But when we find someone of this, every day we discover there is something new, and this makes it awesome. Everyone is wonderful and beautiful, but to see it you need patience.
People rarely behave as you do. Believe in the best, do not build expectations. After all, happiness depends on your thoughts and point of view on things. Even if the situation or relationship add up very badly, they would still have been worth it. Because you have a new experience. People come into our lives by chance!
Author: Irina Skachkova