The author of seven best-selling books by Barbara Sher believes that life after 40 - is not the variation that has been with you, and a completely different world, not like the one that came before, as the University does not look like an elementary school.
This new life begins as soon as a person gets rid of illusions of youth - the eternal beauty, endless possibilities, confidence, that old age does not come
We offer you an excerpt from the book of Cher of the courage to live his own life, about what happens when youth ends and how to protect yourself from disappointment.
Let me say loud and clear: your first life belongs to nature. Your second life belongs to you.
What lies ahead?
Vice, in which you hold the cultural environment and biology, gradually weakened, and opens your true essence. As you get older, you lose nothing urgent. Moreover, a new life will be much more conscious, balanced, creative and active in comparison with what has been until now. And such an exciting life begins only when you pass for forty.
Pollyanna - the heroine of the eponymous book by American writer Eleanor Porter, published in 1913; orphan girl who loves to play in the "joy" by finding a reason for optimism in any event.
If these lines cause you doubt or skepticism or do you think I hit in candied banality in the spirit of Pollyanna, you're wrong. I am a harsh realist. Habit of looking at the world through rose-colored glasses, I had never been. What I found on the other side, reaching mid-life, and what I can tell you now, and for me was a complete surprise.
But why is it so hard to believe that there will be a good time? Why do we suffer so much from a youth to lose? When reflecting on this, I first came across the answer, then almost laughed, because the cause of our blindness so well hidden and yet so obvious that it is like a clever trick.
Nature wants to grow old hated. Longing that this process causes, - part of a biological system. After all, if all that belongs to the second half of life, you feel uncomfortable, you will naturally become resist aging. And as sure a way will be much more useful to the human race.
The courage to live my life
Just think. What would you have done if you had, say, five hours a day completely free? Or every week three full days off? Plus, every year a few weeks or even months - entirely at your disposal
Imagine: a reliable, expected, not broken anything periods of time, which belong only to you and no one else. Does your dreamy eyes clouded over, as is the case when on TV advertising with remote beaches, azure waters and palm trees? Oh, those places where there are no crowds of people! This time, free of any obligations! This paradise, right?
Of course, few people can afford it from adults. If you are between thirty-five and sixty-five, it is difficult to find a day or half a day per week. Holidays and holiday - if not issued - is likely to go to family matters or something to catch up on the backlog of work
When by a happy coincidence, fall free half-day or Saturday, you tend to be so tortured that only think about the rest. In any case, you are not so accustomed to the free time that you do not know how to use it.
You do not shoot automatically from the shelf favorite book, to sit with her at the window, do not pull the easel and oil paints, do not walk along the beach, as it is like to do in the movie. That's because we have not quite clearly understand that such leisure.
But you - not an abstract schema and set its achievements. Your original and creative individuality back to life only if you take the time - time for yourself, free, no busy, no one promised, the time to devote to their dreams or will completely mess around, so if you want to. Without such a time you will not be yourself.
Sometimes we almost brag about how much we can endure. We say, "Look how hard my life." In essence, we have in mind: "I am a very good man»
The idea is that if you are from the outset listened to his creative mind, it would not feel right now perplexity. Would you take the time to say, to write a biography of a favorite historical figure, or to learn Italian and live in Rome, or to organize a jazz band. Or just try this and that, before it would be clear who you are.
But, most of all, none of this you do not do in the first forty years of life, because it had to choose between the embodiment of their talents and the need to meet their needs. And, like most people, you have chosen needs. But it's time to change. You are ready to create a new life.
It is time to reach out and help return its true identity, which had to move over and make room for a parent, spouse, miners, cleaners, rescuers, nurse, advocate - and the rest of the long list of roles that had to play over the years
You need to think about their own thoughts, re-awaken creativity, restore its uniqueness, to satisfy their curiosity and to do all those longing for what the soul, but there was never time.
In the list of priorities you need to move their desires to the very top, and desire a huge number of other people let descend much lower or even fall out of the list. It takes a lot of courage, because if you are one of those who always puts other people above their need, it's easier to jump off the roof, you answer "no" when you to want something.
But believe me: say "no" is not as difficult as it seems, and will be even easier with time. As Emerson wrote (Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) - American philosopher, writer, poet, social activist - Ed.). "The courage for the most part made up of previous actions»
You have the right to live as you want, as long as you do not touch someone else's rights. However, your rights are of little, if you do not have the courage to defend them.
For example, you refuse someone's request and at the same time feel selfish not help? If you feel injustice to themselves, say at once about this, or you will be difficult? You are unpleasant conflicts? You are experiencing a terrible feeling when someone is angry with you? Are you afraid that if you do not go forward, people will treat you badly?
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, one thing is clear: you are trying to earn their right to exist. And it means that your life really is not yours. Stop being the master of your life can be for various reasons.
If you are involved in a conflict, your life is not yours.
Sometimes you are so involved in the battle, real or imagined, that the head does not come to do what is really desirable. Kevin is responsible for sales and hates his job. He loves to study history and write about it, but says it is hampered by his wife, because there is no understanding of the program.
Every time he opens the book, his wife recalls that he has to do work calls. He becomes so unpleasant that he could not concentrate on books, even if it is not nearby. Of course, it is partly right, because the irritation causes him to take time off from work. "If I put the book and really'll earning money, I will have the feeling that she had won!" - He said
Your life is not yours, if you spend it in the complaint.
It seems to complain about - it is a separate activity, not connected with the desire of real improvements. For the most part it looks like a lament or a prayer, not a real expectation of change. "My husband all weekend playing golf and just leave me alone. During the week we work together, but on the weekends it gets the right to do whatever he wants.
By itself, it is, of course, perfectly true. " "You kids, I never help when I ask, and I always help you with homework and everything else." Empty talk. Of course, they are without basis, but will not work because of chronic complaints in lieu of action.
Though the whole world declare as unfair to treat you, but just can not bring myself to do something, it always will complain, and nothing will change. Sometimes it seems that we boast about how much we can endure. We say, "Look how hard my life. Look how much I work. And mistreated me. " In essence, we have in mind: "I am a very good man»
Your life is not yours, if you are afraid of free time.
"It makes no sense to seek out free time. Once I thought I would sit, relax, finally re-read all the books from the bookcase, and I will take care of itself. But when I provided myself, I get nervous, I feel so alone and did not start any of these things to do. Ends with the fact that I invent some things, and I can not wait to get back to work again, "- said Eileen, bank employee
"I specifically several months living without a job, to have time to draw, and I hated it. In my possession was a lot of time, but I could not draw. Hanging around the apartment, then ran out of the house and do anything different! "- He told Kelly, a gifted artist, who is now almost no draws. Free time makes her so uncomfortable that she returned to work and there is delayed until late every night. On weekends she helps friends and completely absorbed in the problems of people who did not care about her desire to paint.
Your life is not yours, if you adapt to selfish people.
In infancy, we are all selfish, but then most people gradually awakens a sense of justice, caring towards others. However, there is a category of people who did not grow up and have no idea why they are someone that something must.
I call them "people who eat people." If you find it hard to say "no", tyrants can easily make you dance to their tune. You can understand that the situation is unfair, you can even occasionally protested, trying to bring it to them. However, their response is staggering their callousness.
You complain to friends, not realizing that they clearly see the situation and horrified by what you give in to such a person. Often they are exactly what you say. But you never listen to their advice, because really want to realize selfish as you feel bad because of it.
If your concerns are similar to those described above, then you are wasting precious time in vain and excessive loss. You live only once, and thought, "but I'm a good man," every day is less comforting, because efforts to "be" good "does not interfere with doing what really meaningful for you. If you do not get bogged down in these unproductive contradictions - internal and external - the enormous changes may occur and to defend the right to do what is best for you, in life
For example, will disappear stress and anxiety, you will be calm enough to express their individuality and not claimed by you are still talents, and as a result - to do something extraordinary. But in order to develop talents, it will take time. Where it will take? One of the options - just take it yourself. The most shameless way.
Exercise: Six weeks Take time for yourself
1. Pick up a pen and a small notebook and on the inside front cover of record time, no less than three hours, which you intend to take for himself the next six weeks. For example:. "Wednesday evening, from 18:00 to 21:30»
2. Then, on the first page, make a list of people who need to be warned about your decision, and schedule to do it as soon as possible.
3. Carefully watch yourself when you perform these steps. You scared? Nervous? Do you feel guilty? Record all these feelings.
4. Now, holding near a notebook and pen, talk separately with each of your list. Tell that you will use this time to their needs, and help no one can. If you are talking on the phone, write once, that you are responsible. If you are talking in person - make a note of what you said, when the stay alone. Then check that you feel during and after the call.
5. And now for six weeks allot yourself time. It does not matter how you spend it, except for one thing: it can not be used on any must-do for yourself or someone else, including your boss and your dog. You can go to the movies, but on the way back, do not take the laundry from the laundry. You can sit by the window and listen to music, but unplug the phone. You must not be connected at this time.
Carefully observe what happens as a result. It does not happen that emergencies and different surprises as agreed, will qualify for the time that you took yourself? Or others believe their desire to emergencies, and try to get you help them?
Or you do not allow yourself to take full advantage of the allocated hours, squeezing to any obligations and concerns because other time you do not have them? Or is it because you feel that it is selfish? Or because you're bored? Remember: this is not a test, this is a pure research. No one will charge you for the evaluation of success or failure. Your goal is simple - to become aware of everything that hinders take myself free time. You are not ready for this, in reality, is happening only exploration area.
This is what many find: "I can not stand it! I feel so guilty for my selfishness! "" I was so scared that I stole something! "" I constantly felt that without me all fall apart. " And what about you? Found something like that? If you're like most people, you'll be amazed how hard it is to allocate the time, without any valid justification. & Lt; ... & gt;
We think we know what courage, because we all know the images of physical courage - men at war, women are in a besieged fortress. But these stereotypes lead us away from understanding.
Courage for each is different, because everyone has his own fear. There are people who are not looked down before the terrible enemy, but would rather die than give a speech in public. Courage involves two things: you know how to do the right thing, and at the same time you would like it to be easier. How is it put into practice?
Roll up your sleeves and do what's right for you. No excuses. It's time to complaints and requests for justice over. You can not expect that people will act with justice just because they are calling for this, especially if they are long got away with it. Have yourself take what is owed to you, that's what you will need courage.
It takes stand firm in spite of someone's displeasure or disappointment. I'm not saying that we should ignore the family, - your obligations has not been canceled, and your soul will not be easy, if these obligations are not fulfilled. But this does not mean that anyone who depends on you, you need to be on hand, not allowing them to take a step.
It also means that you can not ask people to treat you as a person who has their rights - to become a man, and let all refer to this as they want. In order to make full use of previously unused side of his personality, it will take a fair courage, and that is the purpose of a second life.