I'll start with two quotations:
"He even told me he loved me. And I said, you do not like me, and love. This is not love, it's selfishness. You do not think about me, but about what you feel for me. "(John. Fowles." Collector »)
"How did you manage to fulfill their desires, and not your own?»
- "I myself do not believe»
- "What would happen if you said that what you want? Or at least that, then you something is not exactly want to do? You do not want and are not going? »
- "I hurt them. They go away from me. And I think that they're right, I'm bad. »
-. "You are good»
- "Do not say that»
- "Why? What's the matter with you? »
- "I'm scared.
terrible, now hit me. "
(Typical for working with victims of emotional abuse).
On the physical violence will not write. Will the emotional.
The desire to have power over man as the object of manipulation powered intrapersonal conflict control / submission (see. CAP-2). Control object from the point of view of the "host" is intended to provide a "master's" security. The object itself for this report that are in their interest. Diskvalifitsiruya competent partner of ego function (the ability to choose and their own contact with the medium), announcing another little versed in matters of life ITS.
Explaining the need to monitor the care of ubogenkom (small, bolnenkom, iaivnenkom in this ruthless world) near and love for him - "You're my favorite man. Thee is no one will ever love. " In cases where 40-year-old man grows into an adult, and he manages to escape from debtors' prison, in the back shouting to him: "Yes, I love you pulled out of the mud! You're no use to anyone. »
Textbook narratives of such situations are known. They show us in a series of instructive. About them tell friends. In horror, throwing open his eyes - "Can you imagine what he told her? Why did she suffer? Let him leave. "
That is the magic word.
From the side it seems that the victim of violence here so easy to take, drop everything and, like the biblical Lazarus, get up and go.
That's what Peter says about this Fillippson in the chapter on working with family systems in the book "in the relationship of Self": "I want to understand the clients to whom they are angry with a need or desire they do not want to face right now. This difficulty for many children, when they are angry with their parents and, instead, to go to a relationship based on a contact, their parents suppress this and let the children that they are "bad." Over time, they will want to deal with their relationships with mom and dad, and instantly feel the dominating fear that anger will destroy this relationship. In part, this may be true! Some parents are still not ready to accept the anger in his address, even when this pent-up anger over thirty years.
I recommend that clients have discussed a new relationship with loved ones, especially their parents, loved ones and children. Relationships can not be purchased, and I think it is worthy of the client to go to a compromise for the sake of important relationships, even if they require that he abandoned a large part of the self. "
That is, in order to maintain system homeostasis and loyalty in a family person does their own interests and needs. In order not to have ceased to love, not to be alone. It is about social awareness as the loneliness of not belonging to any desirable and convenient configuration.
So, the young and the young people, redeeming the reference group, is selected to act according to its values, but against himself. Appear, but are not. Many lie. Few feel. Since the frightening potential of the senses leads to the feeling and experience of himself, and thus to their own awareness of actual needs. And as hard at the appointed hour to stand up and say, "All rebzya, I will go away from you. I'm tired of your sorry, tiramisu. I want a doctor's sausage with bun. Kefir want. "
The reference group will be offended. The reference group will say, "No, I will not leave you, sit down and continue a farce." Reference Group drag dance, as she accepted such a time to dance. To the question: "Why do you make me dance? I do not force you to not dance! ", A reference group for a moment first to fail all the staff, then a large scale attack on those who dared vysunutsya.Shantazhiruya his love and the loss of preferences, which gives affiliation to your favorites.
And we all love our reference groups. They noticed us and blessed. We need them for that. They sold us a place in business class is rapidly flying social success liner. It's like paradise womb. Location really do not want to fall into hell ill unpredictable world.
Where we do not love anybody. Since we sirenkie and ubogenkie. We're so Mom said. (For reference - any reference group is a parent figure).
Therefore, we will go to the victims, to suppress their own needs and come back down. This is the case when these requirements are known to us. In another case, we did not get to their awareness. Since we are accustomed to believe that others are better aware of this. Those who decide for us how we should live.
Selfi and abyuz
First, about the signs of the effects of emotional abyuza. That is, how to recognize.
- Dissociation, the splitting of the "I". Alexithymia. Man forced to split off from the sensations themselves and recognizing their feelings, because otherwise he would not have survived. I am freezing to survive. ( "I do not feel anything when the cry. I do not care to me"). It creates the illusion of omnipotent control of their feelings and the people around them with the help of impenetrable monolithic image. What resources and, of course, but climbs sideways in the really important situations.
- Denial abyuza. Itself think bad about important people. Others will think badly about important people. ( "No, this was not, and could not be my parents -. Decent people?" "No, my mother loves me She holy woman.."). We regret having withdrawn from a good family women received education of noble girls in protest gust become pregnant on vacation before graduating class, I can say that perfectionism that prevails in these families, embodied in the military drill, very high demands on themselves and their children, the restrictions until the physical deprivation of freedom of movement, punishments for the slightest discrepancy between general family line promises to love for an exact match and permanent blackmail and manipulation.
- Justification of the rapist. Stockholm Syndrome. ( "If he did not hit me, I'd probably would have been a bad wife. He wanted to do better"). Even with understanding the harm caused by acts of violence, continue to justify, "he does not know what he was doing. He had a hard life. Others even worse happened. So I know that-and-akuyu story, listen - there is generally a baby strapped to the battery for many years. "
- The inability to verbalize the need or request in therapy. It means that the trauma occurred in the preverbal period. ( "I do not know what I want. I'm just very, very bad ....". "What do you want from me? Leave me alone").
- Profleksivnoe spasatelstvo. Comprehensive altruism. Abel trends. The tendency to self-sacrifice. Excessive humanistic activities. (80% of US nurses - daughters of alcoholics, who can perfectly navigate the dangerous reality contexts). It feeds on the desire to reconstruct their own security through the protection and salvation of others.
- Blurred boundaries of the individual or the lack thereof. Inability to say "No".
- Feeling bad or insufficient. As compensation and reaction formation - a temporary feeling of grandeur. Search relationship where the partner is awarded to its ideal part (as some people create relationships only with very beautiful or just a very well-known partners). In this approach to living, this partner is impossible, as there is a risk of collapse of the ideal. Suddenly, he suddenly sits zapukaet or ugly. Or stupid to say. Thus, the collapse of the ideal representation of themselves as well. Partner depreciated on small details. "I'm not good, if I have a partner farts."
Partner, in turn, can also hear the epic and roaring like a pipe in the overture of Wagner, a bunch Finder Ideal. Partner must either change or not to give him fart. Do not give to approach. Keep a distance. REMOTE PARTNERSHIP. Therefore, in such a relationship no one is free. There's even afraid to speak honestly. Not willing to accept the partner as ambivalent - "bad" and "good". And be seen as an ambivalent. Therefore, castrated himself and sterilized partner. And vice versa. Or adjust. Deceiving themselves and others. Until complete disappearance of the boundaries and the whole person.
- Feelings of guilt before the world. Such people are easy to hand the blame. As delegate authority, responsibility and cross announce initiated what has got. They easily agree. They need something to give in return for acceptance and love. They do all have.
This is done by manipulating: "You are the best to deal with it. We're as good as you do not know how. And yet we go for a walk, "or, for example:" That's what you all said absent from lessons. We know for sure. " Man agrees to, or behind, or because, finally, it loved and recognized. Laura, oddly enough, gets to those who went for a walk. Those who did and did not say "no", quietly angry or cry in a corner. In the hope that one day and hour .... and they notice and appreciate what they deserved. That did not happen.
- Recognition of aggression as a love. A rejection decision. Cold as the rules of partnership. The habit of rejection as the norm. Focusing on the relationship model adopted in the parental home - parent-child or married, as the only well-known and, therefore, are always in search of the incarnation and play with an adult partner.
Therefore, the choice was not aware of it falls on that partner unconscious sphere which resembles the unconscious realm parent. And an infinite amount of time played one and the same scenario. Bastards go on girls-A student (so say the mother of the former excellent student, teaching her daughters never to contradict a senior, follow orders and do not stick out your needs, since it is improper). Infernal bitch compressed beautiful boys (so say the boys' mother, inspire boys to feel that bad, that the world - the enemy of life - pain, and it is better to be successful, and then everything will be, you need only to believe my mother).
The scenario is played repeatedly in the hope that, finally, love unconditionally. But always doomed to failure, because the request is addressed to a partner with whom such an outcome is impossible. As with my dad was impossible. And with my mother. It leads to collapse after a series of attempts to redraw a partner for themselves by mutual control and abyuza.
- Recognition of love as strange, dangerous situation ( "It is something I have wanted for nothing from all this."). The reason - in doubt in the self-worth - "you can not love me." And in fact, as described in the top of this paragraph. Better get to the familiar but painful situation than dick knows where to wander without a map.
It should be noted that the victim's emotional abyuza feel alive when they were in pain. Forced (as I wrote earlier) to freeze, they need overstimulation to feel like. They do not impress scary for other stories and are not afraid of difficult situations. Sometimes the only way to life is causing you (or another) pain. And then there is the trust to the one who is causing the pain. A lack of confidence - to those who otherwise works properly. One of the paradoxes abyuza.
- Affective explosions in pressure situations or limitations which do not involve such strong reactions.
- Provocative behavior. Invite the other in a relationship where one is forced to show the utmost cruelty. Thus provoked Joker of Batman ( "Hit me!"). From the desire to bend the man-bat, which, by definition, does not kill. Making the kill. Recall that the Joker dad behaved quite peculiar to the psyche of the child did not go in order.
Let us also remember that in the eyes of young Bruce Wayne killed his parents. The boy grew up, became Batman and began to struggle with evil. In another design DNA and upbringing in a different environment, Batman might become the Joker. So, nuclear psychopaths differ lack of conscience, may, if appropriate upbringing to become brilliant criminals, and may gain fame as a brilliant lawyers.
- Acting out traumatic episodes in the form of violent behavior. So, the children - victims of physical violence and gouged out his eyes pupsika torturing animals. Such acting out brilliantly illustrated by R. Bykov in a short film "I'm more here never come back».
Raised by the victim of his hardened, strong part (in fact an internal perpetrator) is protected from the world, often performing preventive attacks on him. Revenge. Attack first. It scares like mimic insect. Or in cases of pathologic avenges an adult. When Marilyn Murray worked in prisons with young people convicted under articles related to violence, it turned out that they were all victims, or physical or psychological abyuza in the parental home.
- PTSD and psychosis, somatization, dependent behavior.
And now about EMOTIONAL FACE ABYUZA. The shape of the face.
- Direct verbal aggression. Humiliation, depreciation and rejection - privately or publicly - partner.
As a child, "You are bad. You're no good for nothing. Moron. Even fine dust can not wipe out. "
Conventionally adulthood, "Look at my ass. No one in the door is not included. You've got a nasty voice. Idiot. "
- Refusal to recognize a suitable partner or as a partner at all.
As a child, "You are not my child. Fu! »
Conventionally adulthood: "How can you think such a thing? You? Yes you know who I was? »
- Examination of a life partner. The solution instead, what, when and how he should do, think and feel.
As a child, "Do not you be offended by the Pope," "In such cases, you must obey. Shut up and go away "," You'll be a dancer, not a geographer. You never know what you want there. We know better. We are your parents. "
Conventionally adulthood: "Something you are persecuting! For I can not be offended. Well, what if I said that you have a hand curves. I'm telling the truth. In truth do not take offense, "" You're not going with them in the cafe. A wife should stay at home "," Come work. Nothing on corporate loafing. "
- Manipulation, blackmail and threats.
As a child, "If you do not finish fourth in the top five, we will not love you, you do not come to Georgia with my classmates, we'll lock the piano, not allowed to take the dog, you will not go out all week."
And so, what I personally encountered in the case of maternal manipulation that led the teen group. Mother-daughter: "If you do not stop seeing the Vietnamese, I will not let you on the team. I choose the phone and write statement to the police. " The mother - a leading group: "If my daughter is no longer meet with the Vietnamese, I declare to you bad psychologists and close your cowboy's office".
The conditional adulthood, "If you will not listen to me, you lose."
- Double bind. Inconsistent, conflicting instructions or messages received consecutively on the verbal, the content level ( "Stay there. Come here. Stay there»).
Or both at the substantive and non-verbal (proksemicheskom) level. For example, the device says "I love you" - pushing or turning away in disgust from the partner. Or in a social environment like, and in the other repels. In whatever part is not guided retsepient, he loses. Because the device can reject any of the parts. Having said that, does not mean it. The onus is on those who do not understand. idiot himself.
In this case, there is a substitution of reality. You can drive a person crazy.
At the destination of double letters gives the impression lack of support. Vacuum, which is not to hold on. Void from which appear the ghosts of times. The impression is there, when people used to trust others more than himself. Do not feel. Do not trust your feelings, intuition and common sense. So his dad had taught. Well, when you're not, then what and who may contact with reality?
- The prosecution in the partner's own failures. Delegation of guilt.
As a child, "It's because of you I have not won the Nobel Prize. I'm a life wasted on you, begotten, brought up, "" You're ill luck would have us. Now I have a nervy. "
Conventionally adulthood: "I put so much into you bablischa. He breaks away from yourself. And you, you bastard, instead of being grateful also for the world let me pridurochnymi with your youngsters. That's what you are so educated. I'm normal. Children still ruined "; "Look what you did to me. I-floor gray head! ".
- Lack of protection in dangerous situations. Exposure to danger. Refusal to care.
As a child, "beaten up talking in the yard? Himself to blame. Itself understands "," to poison? Go poblyuy. Я занят», «Страшно спать? Не мешай нам. We have guests. Иди отсюда», «Дядя напугал? Не рассказывай тут сказок. Сказочник нашелся. Гомер-Шмомер!».
Условно взрослый период: «Можно подумать – страшно идти ночью домой? Ничего с тобой не случится. Come on. До свидания», «Заболела? Лекарство нужны? Пусть тебе друзья носят. Я занят. У меня квартальный отчет и сауна. Так, все».
— Отношенческий бумеранг. Это как раз то, из-за чего взрослые раз за разом воспроизводят тот детский травматический сценарий. «Послал-позвал-послал-позвал» с одной стороны. «Исчез-явился-исчез-явился» с другой. Человек искренне надеется, что настанет день, когда его позовут и оставят навсегда. Этого не случится. Причины провокативного поведения посылающего-приглашающего описаны многократно.
Это и скука, и желание манипулированить объектом в качестве хозяина (приятно мнить себя Карабасом, владельцем Мальвины, Пьеро и бороды как символа власти). А в случаях фиаско в других сферах или отношениях нарциссически ублажать себя мыслью, что кто-то любит и прибежит из ада, куда его не так давно и достаточно грязно спихнули. Это очень и весьма повышает самооценку. Ненадолго, правда. Потом самолет отношений заходит на следующий круг. Лэндинга в таком трипе не происходит никогда.
В детстве: «У Маши волосики кудрявей. А ты на себя посмотри, ходишь как чума».
Условно взрослый период: «Я даже с Грязным Гарри в кино не хожу. Так с какой стати мне с тобой идти? Нет, хотя, я с Гарри ходил. На той неделе, по-моему. И в январе. Да, точно! Ha! И с Харли Дэвидсоном тоже. So. Пойду им позвоню. Опять схожу!».
— Постоянная критика партнера с отказом выслушивать критические замечания собеседника.
— Контроль другого, часто при сокрытии подробностей своей жизни. Информационное неравенство.
— Отказ от обсуждения и игнорирование проблемных зон.
— Игнорирование потребностей партнера.
— Запреты и ограничения.
— Эмоциональная недоступность, холодность и отчужденность родителя или партнера.
— Атака на чужие границы с ригидной защитой своих.
Спектр выражений лица абьюза многообразен и вариативен. Они описаны разными авторами и исследованы с разных сторон.
Известно, что партнеры оба вкладываются в отношения равносильно – тоже. Даже если кажется, что в чьи-то ворота играют чаще и больше. Способы спасения тоже известны.
Мы удивляемся, почему Лазарь не встает и не идет.
На одной из длительных групп мы исследовали, что Лазарь быстро валит, когда деспот и тиран требует невозможного и стартует на то, что дороже, чем деспот и тиран или отношения с ним (например, на детей, дело жизни, котика). Не всегда так, конечно. Иногда так и продолжают до гробовой доски. Но часто именно это побуждает закончить издевательские и истощающие пластмассовые отношения.
Уже недавно меня посетил светлый вопрос – «А почему тогда годами терпят нападки на собственную личность и жизнь?». И озарил не менее светлый ответ – «А потому, что собственная личность и жизнь не ценны».
Думала, как одним хорошим или не очень людям удается делать все для того, чтобы подстрелить других, хороших или не очень людей. Как те подставляются. Стреляют в ответ. Вместо пойти себе с богом. Оставив надежды и развернув лицо к очень разному миру, где есть все. На этом завершу свои размышления на тему.
Автор: Анна Федосова