With partner choice says about us

Often, the media can be seen articles on such topics: "How to recognize abyuzera", "10 signs that you are in a relationship with the aggressor", "Seven main qualities of women bitches," "If your partner - Narcissus", and other well.

The message to the reader is - learn to recognize the person with the diagnosis, Manage to avoid contact with them, and the chances of finding a positive and immaculate psychologically healthy partner invariably grow, and with them - and the chances of a happy and cloudless relations. In fact, everything happens a little differently.




Firstly, no one walks with a sign on his chest. Most people - adults socialized and adapted to their own characteristics. And while the relationship did not move from the phase of the candy-buketnogo advances in phase proximity (when it is too late, because the two clung to each other's soul), it is unlikely all of these features will jump out of the box. Both "on tiptoes" and breathe through again. And even if they jump out, it will be considered a partner in love rather a plus, not a minus. That is, it is not aggressive and straightforward, it is not cold, but in principle, it is not greedy and economical ...

Secondly, and in the main: the selection mechanism is very precise and thin. And here I want to stay more. If a spark between the two runs, or might love at first sight, or to the person pulls and it seems that here it is - the same one that your gears somewhere in line with each other

. By the way speaking, we coincide with those partners who choose reason, but such unions do not have the bonding level - feelings, and more or less uncomfortable cohabitation they break easier. While unions based on love, last longer, and partners in their attempt to keep the relationship by mutual lapping.

So, the choice of another person occurs in some amazing way verified. It is believed that our subconscious "reads" for another 9-20 seconds. And the other is not necessarily something to say, and even physically present. This selection can occur when virtual communication, for example.

When I say "matched", I do not mean that this implies a harmonious future life together. I mean that your bulge perfectly with his "vpuklosti", ie Your character traits / systems / behavioral strategies complement it.

Then all the tips of the aforementioned articles lose their meaning and practical value. Because we choose the right person for us (and if I chose abyuzera, it suits me on what parameters?). A self-study acquires meaning and self-discovery. It becomes clear that all our choices - a key step on the way of our growth. If you have the honesty and courage to look at it.

And now more about the election. If we choose the aggressive partners, it may mean that your role in this union - the victim (all roles, as a rule, are brought into a relationship of parent families)

.

And as long as your main quality - victimization, you will choose the aggressors, and they will choose you. On the other hand, a sadistic partner will in every way to show you what kind of quality you need to develop and legalize. And even will demonstrate ways - how. Another thing is that these methods are usually not harmless, and therefore the aggressiveness in themselves again rejected ( "I'm not as cruel as it is!") And with aggression - and the ability to defend their territory and to keep the border. Exit: to usurp his own aggression and allow angry, but in a civilized way

. If you select a dependent partner, then you automatically - codependent. And then - a man with a dependent personality structure that partner

.

Only it depends on the substance or activity (play, work), and you - from him. Symptoms and those and others are the same: a feeling of unbearable surrounding real life, low self-esteem, a gradual increase in dose, etc. Codependency usually play the role of a lifeguard than a partner exacerbate disease (because it takes away the remnants of responsibility) and its own state. Exit: to deal with their own lives, take responsibility for it and give up responsibility for someone else's

. If you absorb emotionally unavailable partners. In psychology, they determine how kontrzavisimosti, or - with a schizoid personality structure

.

These are the people who are running from the vicinity because it is for them by virtue of lived experience heavy and unbearable. In this case, the second partner - "sticks", it tends to merge and constant presence in the life of another. And it is just unbearable loneliness.

But not everything is so simple and obvious. This is what lies on the surface. In fact kontrzavisimosti also seek proximity (but be careful), and co-dependent - they want to be separate (but can not / do not know how) Yield here to codependency - allow yourself to be a separate, self-contained. And to learn it. The second person in the pair - always teacher

. Manipulators. They are chosen by those people who allow themselves to manipulate.



Because some needs, most of all - from the need to be loved (in fact they are - the same manipulators: I will allow myself to pull the strings, and you love me for it). First see this great hook and constantly cling to it, vytorgovyvaya for themselves more and more comfortable conditions for the life of the joint-life.

Until the parasitic existence of the account partner, and almost open relations with mistresses / lovers. Exit here - to feel valuable and most important, without waiting for such confirmation from the partner. And learn how to treat yourself with care and love. In other words - be yourself loving and kind parents

. Daffodils. Again they are choosing people who are not sufficiently appreciated and loved himself. And through membership in such a brilliant and charismatic partner are trying to add to his weight in his own eyes and the eyes of others.



What is almost never fails, because the rose is powered praise and adoration, but he is not capable of giving, and does not intend to. And then his partner instead of increasing their own importance and significance gets quite the opposite result. Narcissus are increasingly inflated, and his partner - increasingly sduvaetsya.Vyhod: usurp own value (which should be just in us by birth), own results and achievements, and to see their own rasprekrasnye traits, abilities and talents
<. br> It should be noted that all the outputs indicated here - the result of hard work on oneself. Because that was formed in us for years and decades, not so easy to give in compensation. If you do not handle yourself - consult a specialist, and some part of the way go along with it, keep yourself

. The above described the elections is not entirely safe from the point of view of mental health, and therefore - and relationships. That, however, can correct and modify - if desired, and the willingness of both partners. But in the more prosperous working relationship the same selection mechanisms. Because we attract only those people in whom a lot of ourselves.

Those who are not like us - we just uninteresting. So we choose not only partners but also friends, buddies, buddy. If we are aware of - bravo, we can look in the other, as in a mirror, but if not - there is something a lot of things to work and to open ourselves

. And look, it becomes interesting to live here met a man, he frankly you like. And the part you can see a lot in it ... and weaknesses, and strengths. And stunningly beautiful, and frankly ugly. The man turns to you for its different facets, and if you are lucky - even starts to offer you ...

And there is one key point - look and see the whole of the logged-in your life man, his - this colorful, vivid and vulnerable, but allowed to come close to him. Feel it. And find in it himself.

And eksli you suddenly something grates on the ears, the eyes, or tunic, or annoying (and sometimes just simply annoying) behavior, ask yourself - but about it in me? How did I come from? In response to that? What I needed it? From what saved? Is there a need for this now? What can I do about it? Do I want to leave?

And your neighbor, do not change, do not. And even reject is not necessary - if you change it, he will go

. Author: Oksana Tkachuk