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People who renounced their sovereignty
Form co-dependent relationships1. Love through the abandonment of their own sovereignty and the dissolution of his psychological territory in the territory of the partner.
Man, renounced his sovereignty, lives and interests of the partner. He incorporates his views, tastes, values, that is, internalizes them without criticism and judgment. He also takes over from the partner's belief system about yourself.
In this case, the partner plays the role of a Parent. Tyranny own superego gives way to the newly incorporated Internal Controller, which is a close copy of the partner.
The responsibility for your life is significant Different. Together with her man abandons his desires, goals, aspirations. Partner serves as the maternal womb: as environment, as the source of everything necessary as a way to survive.
"I'm part of Him. He is better, smarter, more interesting, bigger than I am. It is fortunate that he solil to be a part of It. I live in order to be near him. I exist in order to fulfil his desires. He is my life. Without Him I'm nothing without Him there is no me".
2. Love through the absorption of the psychological territory of the partner, through the deprivation of its sovereignty.
In this case the role of the Parent plays himself looking for love and filling. What should be the man who loves his child (that is, doing what have not got the people, "with loss")?This image is composed of eclectic ideas about love and care, sometimes incompatible with each other.
Human behavior in this case is driven by his own Super-ego with the help of oughts and is granted only in the case when the role of the Supervisory guardian executes them perfectly.
The responsibility for the life partner completely take over. Own desires, goals, aspirations are understood only through the prism of their usefulness for the partner. The past control and direct them as well as they do in relation to the child. Any independence partner dangerous because it may destroy Ya built in Order to confirm that the system of ideas about himself, the partner has all his behavior to justify the need for such control, education and care, acting as a ward of the child.
"Without me He cannot live. Without me, He will not be able to cope with the problems. I'm stronger, smarter, harder. I know how to. I live for Him. I live, so It was all good."
Love through absolute control and the destruction of the psychological areas of love.
In this embodiment, a person may act in two ways:
1. Wanting to fill self, he projects this desire for a partner. And instead seek to fill their own emptiness begins to fill the partner's own ideas about his Perfect Ya But the structure I partner busy. Therefore, it is necessary to destroy, to devastate, to have the opportunity to see the partner of possible selves. He can do it harshly and violently, or gradually and manipulative. This may be an extreme expression of love through a takeover when the partner is not only absorbed, but destroyed.
2. People are not able to fill neither the self, nor even try to create your Ideal self in a partner. He can only destroy, that is, to do what was once done to him. And destroying, he feels some satisfaction, because it destroyed the personality of the partner clearly demonstrates that: first, he's not the only one who has experienced such suffering, and secondly, he has the power and, therefore, can monitor the surrounding, third, destroying a partner, but holding it about himself, he receives a vision of himself as a man strong, independent and important, because the partner continues to obey him and show their obedience and love.
Punishing superego too aggressive, so critical of his "promises" forced out of consciousness and then forwarded on to the partner.
The responsibility for the life partner declared, but actually is not carried out: partner use only. It is scanned daily by their ability to dominate, to control, to manage not only actions but also feelings.
"I am absolute, but It is negligible. I am the master, He is a slave. He should absolutely obey me. I have to be sure that you can do with It whatever. Full power — a power over a thing. He's my thing".
3. Love through the reflection in a meaningful Friend.
Partner shift responsibility for their own welfare. He prescribed a certain conduct, which will ensure the filling devastated I love his attitude. The significant Other should make every effort to show that he was dealing with a person who meets the standards of the Perfect Ya.
Partner is a mirror, which always turn to the question: "mirror, mirror, tell me, who on earth all the sweeter, all beautiful and smarter?" In fact, this "mirror" should be, seeing the void, to reflect a portrait of the Ideal I and to accompany this reflection with the words of love and actions that prove loyalty. If the partner ceased to serve as such a mirror, the possible options for further action:
1. A partner who is not behaving in accordance with expectations(i.e. not reported in need of love its superiority, versatility and depth)can be abandoned for the sake of finding a new "mirror";
2. Experience to lack of "diligence" of the partner stimulates or search several simultaneously developing relations, or the constant change of partners (usually of the opposite sex), which could assume the function of filling the empty I;
3. The partner who does not have a permanent filling I, suffering evidence of its completeness and value, increasing the pressure with the help of various manipulations. Can be used the invocation of pity, the demonstration of helplessness, pleas for justice, blackmail or direct pleas for love, the assurances (very true) that without his constant attention and declarations of love, he cannot live.
"Love for Him is a burden. But I have to get evidence that I was no ordinary man. It needs to admire me and to Express your love to me. He should strive to satisfy all my desires. It needs every day to Woo me. He needs to prove that I am better than others and worthy of love."
Attempts to earn the love and attention of the partner price of any sacrifice and humiliation.
Superego in this case with respect to loyal in comparison with other options. It is not so much to punish, how numbingly cold. It has less oughts, but a lot of poisonous criticality. It is filled with withering contempt, to escape from which can only be drowning out the voice of the superego admiration and adoration of others.
In all the considered interactions love is a way to compensate for their own failure, and the partner object, which is intended to complement the failure to complete Ya Task is impossible, because the sense of integrity can be sustained only through the development of intrapersonal resources. Otherwise, the need for confirmation of its integrity and significance from other people is an unsaturated.
It narasimhamurthy is the hallmark sosvoimi relations. Any person feels the need for love, respect, significance, control. These needs are basic and allow you to survive. But normally, they can be saturated for a certain time or their satisfaction may be postponed without much harm. In the case of an exhausted and I need continuous saturation never dry out, because so I am not able to support the structure itself.
Without continuous replenishment with significant Others it immediately becomes empty again, which is reflected in a high degree of anxiety. This is why codependent people, whichever way they may earn their sense of integrity, are unable to survive alone — it's like death. For them, intolerable uncertainty in the relationship — they need a guarantee that I will be continuously maintained. And they are never satisfied.
Codependent people have one common property: they devalue the partner who truly loved them, or depreciate his sense.Their sophisticated logic can go in three directions:
1. This man tells me he loves me. But it can't be true, because I'm impossible to love. So everything he does and says is just a lie. And his goal is to lull my vigilance and use me.
2. This man says he loves me and he seems to be telling the truth. But he's wrong. He loves me not, and the image that I created. Or he simply didn't understand me. If he knew what I really was, he would turn from me with contempt.
3. This man says he loves me, and, apparently, he's telling the truth. But that only means that it is the same as I do, inferior, unworthy of love. If it were "real" he could never love me, because I'm really a good man can not love.
Naturally, this perception of love in relation to itself, such people are just not able to experience satisfaction even from true feelings. published
Author: Olga Leonteva, excerpts from the book by Elena Emel'janovoj "the Crisis in codependent relationships"
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind - together we change the world! ©
Source: www.b17.ru/blog/3218/
Man, renounced his sovereignty, lives and interests of the partner. He incorporates his views, tastes, values, that is, internalizes them without criticism and judgment. He also takes over from the partner's belief system about yourself.
In this case, the partner plays the role of a Parent. Tyranny own superego gives way to the newly incorporated Internal Controller, which is a close copy of the partner.
The responsibility for your life is significant Different. Together with her man abandons his desires, goals, aspirations. Partner serves as the maternal womb: as environment, as the source of everything necessary as a way to survive.
"I'm part of Him. He is better, smarter, more interesting, bigger than I am. It is fortunate that he solil to be a part of It. I live in order to be near him. I exist in order to fulfil his desires. He is my life. Without Him I'm nothing without Him there is no me".
2. Love through the absorption of the psychological territory of the partner, through the deprivation of its sovereignty.
In this case the role of the Parent plays himself looking for love and filling. What should be the man who loves his child (that is, doing what have not got the people, "with loss")?This image is composed of eclectic ideas about love and care, sometimes incompatible with each other.
Human behavior in this case is driven by his own Super-ego with the help of oughts and is granted only in the case when the role of the Supervisory guardian executes them perfectly.
The responsibility for the life partner completely take over. Own desires, goals, aspirations are understood only through the prism of their usefulness for the partner. The past control and direct them as well as they do in relation to the child. Any independence partner dangerous because it may destroy Ya built in Order to confirm that the system of ideas about himself, the partner has all his behavior to justify the need for such control, education and care, acting as a ward of the child.
"Without me He cannot live. Without me, He will not be able to cope with the problems. I'm stronger, smarter, harder. I know how to. I live for Him. I live, so It was all good."
Love through absolute control and the destruction of the psychological areas of love.
In this embodiment, a person may act in two ways:
1. Wanting to fill self, he projects this desire for a partner. And instead seek to fill their own emptiness begins to fill the partner's own ideas about his Perfect Ya But the structure I partner busy. Therefore, it is necessary to destroy, to devastate, to have the opportunity to see the partner of possible selves. He can do it harshly and violently, or gradually and manipulative. This may be an extreme expression of love through a takeover when the partner is not only absorbed, but destroyed.
2. People are not able to fill neither the self, nor even try to create your Ideal self in a partner. He can only destroy, that is, to do what was once done to him. And destroying, he feels some satisfaction, because it destroyed the personality of the partner clearly demonstrates that: first, he's not the only one who has experienced such suffering, and secondly, he has the power and, therefore, can monitor the surrounding, third, destroying a partner, but holding it about himself, he receives a vision of himself as a man strong, independent and important, because the partner continues to obey him and show their obedience and love.
Punishing superego too aggressive, so critical of his "promises" forced out of consciousness and then forwarded on to the partner.
The responsibility for the life partner declared, but actually is not carried out: partner use only. It is scanned daily by their ability to dominate, to control, to manage not only actions but also feelings.
"I am absolute, but It is negligible. I am the master, He is a slave. He should absolutely obey me. I have to be sure that you can do with It whatever. Full power — a power over a thing. He's my thing".
3. Love through the reflection in a meaningful Friend.
Partner shift responsibility for their own welfare. He prescribed a certain conduct, which will ensure the filling devastated I love his attitude. The significant Other should make every effort to show that he was dealing with a person who meets the standards of the Perfect Ya.
Partner is a mirror, which always turn to the question: "mirror, mirror, tell me, who on earth all the sweeter, all beautiful and smarter?" In fact, this "mirror" should be, seeing the void, to reflect a portrait of the Ideal I and to accompany this reflection with the words of love and actions that prove loyalty. If the partner ceased to serve as such a mirror, the possible options for further action:
1. A partner who is not behaving in accordance with expectations(i.e. not reported in need of love its superiority, versatility and depth)can be abandoned for the sake of finding a new "mirror";
2. Experience to lack of "diligence" of the partner stimulates or search several simultaneously developing relations, or the constant change of partners (usually of the opposite sex), which could assume the function of filling the empty I;
3. The partner who does not have a permanent filling I, suffering evidence of its completeness and value, increasing the pressure with the help of various manipulations. Can be used the invocation of pity, the demonstration of helplessness, pleas for justice, blackmail or direct pleas for love, the assurances (very true) that without his constant attention and declarations of love, he cannot live.
"Love for Him is a burden. But I have to get evidence that I was no ordinary man. It needs to admire me and to Express your love to me. He should strive to satisfy all my desires. It needs every day to Woo me. He needs to prove that I am better than others and worthy of love."
Attempts to earn the love and attention of the partner price of any sacrifice and humiliation.
Superego in this case with respect to loyal in comparison with other options. It is not so much to punish, how numbingly cold. It has less oughts, but a lot of poisonous criticality. It is filled with withering contempt, to escape from which can only be drowning out the voice of the superego admiration and adoration of others.
In all the considered interactions love is a way to compensate for their own failure, and the partner object, which is intended to complement the failure to complete Ya Task is impossible, because the sense of integrity can be sustained only through the development of intrapersonal resources. Otherwise, the need for confirmation of its integrity and significance from other people is an unsaturated.
It narasimhamurthy is the hallmark sosvoimi relations. Any person feels the need for love, respect, significance, control. These needs are basic and allow you to survive. But normally, they can be saturated for a certain time or their satisfaction may be postponed without much harm. In the case of an exhausted and I need continuous saturation never dry out, because so I am not able to support the structure itself.
Without continuous replenishment with significant Others it immediately becomes empty again, which is reflected in a high degree of anxiety. This is why codependent people, whichever way they may earn their sense of integrity, are unable to survive alone — it's like death. For them, intolerable uncertainty in the relationship — they need a guarantee that I will be continuously maintained. And they are never satisfied.
Codependent people have one common property: they devalue the partner who truly loved them, or depreciate his sense.Their sophisticated logic can go in three directions:
1. This man tells me he loves me. But it can't be true, because I'm impossible to love. So everything he does and says is just a lie. And his goal is to lull my vigilance and use me.
2. This man says he loves me and he seems to be telling the truth. But he's wrong. He loves me not, and the image that I created. Or he simply didn't understand me. If he knew what I really was, he would turn from me with contempt.
3. This man says he loves me, and, apparently, he's telling the truth. But that only means that it is the same as I do, inferior, unworthy of love. If it were "real" he could never love me, because I'm really a good man can not love.
Naturally, this perception of love in relation to itself, such people are just not able to experience satisfaction even from true feelings. published
Author: Olga Leonteva, excerpts from the book by Elena Emel'janovoj "the Crisis in codependent relationships"
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind - together we change the world! ©
Source: www.b17.ru/blog/3218/