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Infantilism: infects silently
It has different facets. This capitation Harry Potter in the hands of the adults in the Metro. This belief in the "good king", which will all judge - when people are big, strong waiting for someone more powerful and determined who could cope with their problems. This is simply the unwillingness to make decisions independently, leaving everything as it is.
Jung called the condition of the people at the beginning of the XX century "immensely overgrown and bloated kindergarten." Since then, it's been about 70 years, but the situation seems to have only worsened. And the call that it is necessary to raise a child from full-fledged personality, does not work, because in order to educate a person, you have to be that person.
And bring the usual incompetent parents and teachers, many of them very often for half or even a lifetime are largely children. Realizing that during their childhood, some mistakes were made, they want to fix them in the next generation. But this desire is invariably rests on the psychological fact: "I can not fix the error in the child those who are still committing himself." This means that parents and educators must first grow themselves, stop being infantile and hold on to their immaturity.
Infantilism ... The word, of course, beautiful, almost "royal" because Infante called the royal child. Only the consequences of her dangerous, like a disease, and it infects us unnoticed.
Identify the presence at this "royal disease" is difficult. Understand what features of infantilism you have - this is a step forward. And then you need to figure out what to do with them next.
But how, you ask, grow and remain young in heart, not to be like an adult from "The Little Prince" Exupery - not only think about the numbers and how many earn other parents, not that he He loves and is interested ...
But let's first identify the symptoms of immaturity.
Infantilism, according to psychologists - the result is not quite the right education or adverse conditions in the period from 8 to 12 years. At this age a child should start to subcontract responsibility for himself, for his actions, and so on. D. From 13 to 16 years in a child develop a sense of maturity, personality, created its own system of values. And with 17 years is the formation of understanding of its place in human society and purpose in life.
But if you look deeper, the first symptoms may be caused immaturity still deep in my childhood.
Over the life of a person is going through some transition occurring very rapidly and as a result of changing his mind. These steps are usually associated with specific ages, called crises. Every crisis, in spite of its ugliness and weight of course, adds a certain touch to a sense of maturity, which gradually grows into a man.
But in order that these are processed correctly, it is necessary to crises were sharp and stormy, and the parents and adults close to them react wisely, knowing how much it is needed. Because otherwise, crises do not pass safely (if any are). Teens in Crisis, for example, may take a lifetime.
A born infantilism really quickly. From unfinished lessons, which my mother for the child to finish late at night. From shoelaces to tie itself more quickly than to wait until they start up a child, especially if you are late. From unwashed dishes, which is easier to pull the plug and wash yourself, than for a long time to explain to the child why it should be done. From the desire to protect their children from bad decisions - because we know better (although why then make mistakes?). From the parents' inability to see and understand, and most importantly - trust children. And then it turns out that the child can, but does not.
The combination of too great educational activity of parents and infantile, immature children - typically. The mechanism of action is based on a psychological law - the personality and abilities of the child are developed only to the activity he is engaged on their own and with interest
. It has already begun the task of parents - slowly but steadily remove with care and responsibility for the child's personal affairs, and give them to him. Allow the child to meet with the negative consequences of their actions (or its omission). Only then it will grow and become "conscious».
You can not do the work of growing up without a "field of free movement" in which a person can experiment with himself, which makes it possible to make their own choices and take responsibility for it, to take risks and be prepared to pay for everything. Man can not attain identity, individuality, without going through such a field of freedom. Only in some societies, these fields are protected by civilly, in others they are spontaneous, and the cost of failure in this case is immeasurably higher.
By the way, the complexity of the self-determination of modern Russian teenagers that they are deprived of a stable society, a sense of historical tradition. They grew up around the time of lack of models behavior, when no one was around you or to you in the same situation, did not take the same decision, had not committed the same acts.
Carl Jung tried to learn from almost inexhaustible variety of individual problems of adolescence general and the most important thing: it comes expressed in varying degrees, the need to defend and get stuck on the children's stage of consciousness, the need of resistance acting at the young man and around the fate forces
Do not pay, do not let go of a growing child - a very strong motive, largely determines the behavior of the parents, especially the mother. It is not always conscious. And here do not help neither education, nor even a constant professional contact with children the same - only strangers. Student-zaochnitsa told me: "I feel a person only when leaving the house for a session." And her mother, among other things, a teacher. Here there is a painful choice: how dare on his own life, if the "I love my mother and I do not want to hurt her» ...
Development - is hard work, and it is not necessary to present the case so that here, they say, children are eager to grow, and their parents are pulling back. Very often it happens by mutual consent, even if not expressed. To start a life of their own, you need courage. Not everyone has it. This is useful - to pass on more responsibility and the wise man to live his decisions. It turns out that the mother do not live their lives and their children also benefit from this symbiosis.
As a result, the output of the state delayed adolescence. Often, high school turns into a kind of nursery, where children grow up. Only on the third and fourth year students learn the culture of making decisions consciously and responsibly, not going on about whether or not acting to spite someone. To escape from the hardships of adulthood, but at the same time acquire adult status, women often get married and try to cross the job of growing up at her husband.
But that is not all. The roots of immaturity - and in fear "and suddenly will not work?"; and agonizing reluctance to make a decision, to worry and look for the right way - in fact much easier to follow the advice and do as others have said; and the reluctance to offend those who lovingly offers gotovenkoe.
Of course, people never grow up all at once. "Adult" roles system to digest in different sequences, and conscious attitude appears we are not at the same time in different areas of life. Therefore, it is socially mature people, to achieve success in business or science, very often quite childish in the rest of life. In the work environment, they feel older, and it is - the boys are dependent on other people's opinions and can not take independent decisions
. And infantilism develops from unsuccessful attempts to prolong youth. Extend, trying to return adolescence, showing all the characteristics of the child, which in all other indicators have long ceased to be. Some people, when he was already very, very much older, try to regain lost youth by returning to the game has passed the experimental forms of life, throwing the cargo of previous obligations.
There is a type of "eternal youth" and "eternal girls", who can not and do not want to grow up. The images of these people are well represented in the movies. "Flying in dreams and reality", "Crew", "Autumn Marathon" But, unfortunately, such a youthful illusion. This is not a youth and children's mask worn on the adult and seriously reflects on himself and his surroundings. For adult infantilism, writes V. Levy, to be its decomposition and spiritual emptiness.
Attempts to overcome the feeling of stopping, stagnation, by returning to the style of his youth living demonstrate a lack of creative potential, reluctance to move on and sort of an escape from reality. After all, to relieve the load from the shoulders of his past life, you need not look back, and forward to rush into the unknown and to take on a new responsibility - not only for ourselves but also for others
. And the result is a paradox: to be truly young you can only become truly adult - overcoming doubt, anxiety, anguish and uncertainty, complexes and fears, lack of criteria and the eternal problem of non-compliance requirements of large and small features. That's when you can enjoy every day, understand that you accept the decision itself, and feel happy. Be harmonious and strong. After all, your life - it's your life
. Of course, to feel like an adult, are important social progress and achievements. And family and career - is approved by society peculiar step of growing, but so far only the outside. After all, a man with a family and position can also be childish. Especially if he did not have to fight not for that, nor for the other.
In addition to external success there are internal criteria based on which the rewritten draft and selected options, "the head of the place and the whole life otcherkivaya in the fields." At all desire a person can not get away from the question whether it was a success this line, the poem, the act, and all life, whether he wants to continue and erase them, proud of them or ashamed.
Climber going to conquer Mount Everest, of course, has an exceptional courage and strength of character, but whether he will be as strong and morally collected in all other situations? Extreme test the limits of our possibilities and Everyday Life - the constancy of our lifestyle
. To be held as a person, a person must be able, to dare and be able to choose its own path and take the responsibility. He has to answer for himself the question, "Who am I?", And, therefore, the questions "what can I do?" "I dare?" And "what I can do?". And then act in accordance with the answers to these questions.
To dare to live their own lives, it is necessary to abandon the very common misconception that our psychological maturity is measured by living for years. Only then can we live all stages of life with new sensations, finding advantages in each of them. At each stage of the life circle of a person must meet the challenges of different, specific only for this period of development, the challenges posed in front of him his body, society, and himself.
For all the "semester" of his life, a person is trying to understand who he is and how to live it, to comply with the most accurate image of themselves. (Psychologists and philosophers talk about the endless quest for self-identity.) But the term can be, and "fill up." Or simply refuse to take the optional "examination." And then there is like a student, go to the "tails" - outstanding tasks of life lived through the period - and maybe a lifetime of failing to get rid of them. And at some point, to bring down their own problems in a transformed form on their own children.
Those who took their first significant decisions are not alone, not a grown-up who has not been able in time to become socially mature person, 28-30 years, waiting for the crisis "re-election". Many people at this time of change professions, divorced or, on the contrary, give birth to children. However, if these decisions are made to spite others or fate, if for them there is no serious reflection and awareness, if it is only an external maturation, the crisis of 35 years once again turns everything in their lives.
Even social progress do not help, despite the fact that public opinion has a sufficiently clear criteria of success - a state of mind, career development, living conditions: flat, children, family, car, caravan. It would seem that still need to be human?
Someone at this age the first time asks himself the question "what for?". Someone begins to rethink his whole life, and then talks about the spiritual crisis. So I got this and that - and then what? All the same, again?
At this age, some people come in denominations and communities, where they are looking for support and the ability to embed itself in some new dimension, a new framework for spirituality. Often, the first time in his life a person really understands their problems and tries to solve them on their own. This lifetime with awakened consciousness.
Alexander Men wrote about it this way: "How would intricately folded or fate - everything has meaning, if we want to understand it and find it. It is a pity to me that people find such pettiness. One of the main rules of life: not to look in the microscope. You know: a microscope, you can see the most terrible germs that live next to us, and from time to time - peacefully. Live large - the only thing that is worthy of man. And then this ... From this vermicelli and infantilism men ... dig into the details of their own, in their own microscopic / essentially / vanity and self-deception, etc. -. Mountain. If ... if ... I would. »
The emergence of this question: "What do I have?" - Is the main feature of the crisis, which marks a new phase of life - the path to personal, not just social maturity. It would seem that everything is there - and suddenly you find that there is no life. And finds it mostly to mid-life, but maybe even earlier - when faced with any particular situation. This is our first living abroad for debriefing. Children - are no longer children and adolescents, they finish school or went to college
. Their education, their first success for the majority of parents - an indicator of its own success. To a large extent why we so worried about their scores. But we can not live their lives, as we would have liked. We must look for a meaning in life. And at this stage, not to look for him, hiding from myself - is also a sign of immaturity
. The famous psychologist and psychotherapist Viktor Frankl so formulated his goal: to help people find their meaning. To help search for and find their purpose. It may consist of many different things, the main thing that the man himself felt it.
It is only found their own meaning, their own decisions only give people optimism in summing up his life. And then, in his old age he is aware of: my life - not a chain of missed opportunities and a life lived slightly. This is my life!
Author: Julia Lutz
Jung called the condition of the people at the beginning of the XX century "immensely overgrown and bloated kindergarten." Since then, it's been about 70 years, but the situation seems to have only worsened. And the call that it is necessary to raise a child from full-fledged personality, does not work, because in order to educate a person, you have to be that person.
And bring the usual incompetent parents and teachers, many of them very often for half or even a lifetime are largely children. Realizing that during their childhood, some mistakes were made, they want to fix them in the next generation. But this desire is invariably rests on the psychological fact: "I can not fix the error in the child those who are still committing himself." This means that parents and educators must first grow themselves, stop being infantile and hold on to their immaturity.
Infantilism ... The word, of course, beautiful, almost "royal" because Infante called the royal child. Only the consequences of her dangerous, like a disease, and it infects us unnoticed.
Identify the presence at this "royal disease" is difficult. Understand what features of infantilism you have - this is a step forward. And then you need to figure out what to do with them next.
But how, you ask, grow and remain young in heart, not to be like an adult from "The Little Prince" Exupery - not only think about the numbers and how many earn other parents, not that he He loves and is interested ...
But let's first identify the symptoms of immaturity.
Infantilism, according to psychologists - the result is not quite the right education or adverse conditions in the period from 8 to 12 years. At this age a child should start to subcontract responsibility for himself, for his actions, and so on. D. From 13 to 16 years in a child develop a sense of maturity, personality, created its own system of values. And with 17 years is the formation of understanding of its place in human society and purpose in life.
But if you look deeper, the first symptoms may be caused immaturity still deep in my childhood.
Over the life of a person is going through some transition occurring very rapidly and as a result of changing his mind. These steps are usually associated with specific ages, called crises. Every crisis, in spite of its ugliness and weight of course, adds a certain touch to a sense of maturity, which gradually grows into a man.
But in order that these are processed correctly, it is necessary to crises were sharp and stormy, and the parents and adults close to them react wisely, knowing how much it is needed. Because otherwise, crises do not pass safely (if any are). Teens in Crisis, for example, may take a lifetime.
A born infantilism really quickly. From unfinished lessons, which my mother for the child to finish late at night. From shoelaces to tie itself more quickly than to wait until they start up a child, especially if you are late. From unwashed dishes, which is easier to pull the plug and wash yourself, than for a long time to explain to the child why it should be done. From the desire to protect their children from bad decisions - because we know better (although why then make mistakes?). From the parents' inability to see and understand, and most importantly - trust children. And then it turns out that the child can, but does not.
The combination of too great educational activity of parents and infantile, immature children - typically. The mechanism of action is based on a psychological law - the personality and abilities of the child are developed only to the activity he is engaged on their own and with interest
. It has already begun the task of parents - slowly but steadily remove with care and responsibility for the child's personal affairs, and give them to him. Allow the child to meet with the negative consequences of their actions (or its omission). Only then it will grow and become "conscious».
You can not do the work of growing up without a "field of free movement" in which a person can experiment with himself, which makes it possible to make their own choices and take responsibility for it, to take risks and be prepared to pay for everything. Man can not attain identity, individuality, without going through such a field of freedom. Only in some societies, these fields are protected by civilly, in others they are spontaneous, and the cost of failure in this case is immeasurably higher.
By the way, the complexity of the self-determination of modern Russian teenagers that they are deprived of a stable society, a sense of historical tradition. They grew up around the time of lack of models behavior, when no one was around you or to you in the same situation, did not take the same decision, had not committed the same acts.
Carl Jung tried to learn from almost inexhaustible variety of individual problems of adolescence general and the most important thing: it comes expressed in varying degrees, the need to defend and get stuck on the children's stage of consciousness, the need of resistance acting at the young man and around the fate forces
Do not pay, do not let go of a growing child - a very strong motive, largely determines the behavior of the parents, especially the mother. It is not always conscious. And here do not help neither education, nor even a constant professional contact with children the same - only strangers. Student-zaochnitsa told me: "I feel a person only when leaving the house for a session." And her mother, among other things, a teacher. Here there is a painful choice: how dare on his own life, if the "I love my mother and I do not want to hurt her» ...
Development - is hard work, and it is not necessary to present the case so that here, they say, children are eager to grow, and their parents are pulling back. Very often it happens by mutual consent, even if not expressed. To start a life of their own, you need courage. Not everyone has it. This is useful - to pass on more responsibility and the wise man to live his decisions. It turns out that the mother do not live their lives and their children also benefit from this symbiosis.
As a result, the output of the state delayed adolescence. Often, high school turns into a kind of nursery, where children grow up. Only on the third and fourth year students learn the culture of making decisions consciously and responsibly, not going on about whether or not acting to spite someone. To escape from the hardships of adulthood, but at the same time acquire adult status, women often get married and try to cross the job of growing up at her husband.
But that is not all. The roots of immaturity - and in fear "and suddenly will not work?"; and agonizing reluctance to make a decision, to worry and look for the right way - in fact much easier to follow the advice and do as others have said; and the reluctance to offend those who lovingly offers gotovenkoe.
Of course, people never grow up all at once. "Adult" roles system to digest in different sequences, and conscious attitude appears we are not at the same time in different areas of life. Therefore, it is socially mature people, to achieve success in business or science, very often quite childish in the rest of life. In the work environment, they feel older, and it is - the boys are dependent on other people's opinions and can not take independent decisions
. And infantilism develops from unsuccessful attempts to prolong youth. Extend, trying to return adolescence, showing all the characteristics of the child, which in all other indicators have long ceased to be. Some people, when he was already very, very much older, try to regain lost youth by returning to the game has passed the experimental forms of life, throwing the cargo of previous obligations.
There is a type of "eternal youth" and "eternal girls", who can not and do not want to grow up. The images of these people are well represented in the movies. "Flying in dreams and reality", "Crew", "Autumn Marathon" But, unfortunately, such a youthful illusion. This is not a youth and children's mask worn on the adult and seriously reflects on himself and his surroundings. For adult infantilism, writes V. Levy, to be its decomposition and spiritual emptiness.
Attempts to overcome the feeling of stopping, stagnation, by returning to the style of his youth living demonstrate a lack of creative potential, reluctance to move on and sort of an escape from reality. After all, to relieve the load from the shoulders of his past life, you need not look back, and forward to rush into the unknown and to take on a new responsibility - not only for ourselves but also for others
. And the result is a paradox: to be truly young you can only become truly adult - overcoming doubt, anxiety, anguish and uncertainty, complexes and fears, lack of criteria and the eternal problem of non-compliance requirements of large and small features. That's when you can enjoy every day, understand that you accept the decision itself, and feel happy. Be harmonious and strong. After all, your life - it's your life
. Of course, to feel like an adult, are important social progress and achievements. And family and career - is approved by society peculiar step of growing, but so far only the outside. After all, a man with a family and position can also be childish. Especially if he did not have to fight not for that, nor for the other.
In addition to external success there are internal criteria based on which the rewritten draft and selected options, "the head of the place and the whole life otcherkivaya in the fields." At all desire a person can not get away from the question whether it was a success this line, the poem, the act, and all life, whether he wants to continue and erase them, proud of them or ashamed.
Climber going to conquer Mount Everest, of course, has an exceptional courage and strength of character, but whether he will be as strong and morally collected in all other situations? Extreme test the limits of our possibilities and Everyday Life - the constancy of our lifestyle
. To be held as a person, a person must be able, to dare and be able to choose its own path and take the responsibility. He has to answer for himself the question, "Who am I?", And, therefore, the questions "what can I do?" "I dare?" And "what I can do?". And then act in accordance with the answers to these questions.
To dare to live their own lives, it is necessary to abandon the very common misconception that our psychological maturity is measured by living for years. Only then can we live all stages of life with new sensations, finding advantages in each of them. At each stage of the life circle of a person must meet the challenges of different, specific only for this period of development, the challenges posed in front of him his body, society, and himself.
For all the "semester" of his life, a person is trying to understand who he is and how to live it, to comply with the most accurate image of themselves. (Psychologists and philosophers talk about the endless quest for self-identity.) But the term can be, and "fill up." Or simply refuse to take the optional "examination." And then there is like a student, go to the "tails" - outstanding tasks of life lived through the period - and maybe a lifetime of failing to get rid of them. And at some point, to bring down their own problems in a transformed form on their own children.
Those who took their first significant decisions are not alone, not a grown-up who has not been able in time to become socially mature person, 28-30 years, waiting for the crisis "re-election". Many people at this time of change professions, divorced or, on the contrary, give birth to children. However, if these decisions are made to spite others or fate, if for them there is no serious reflection and awareness, if it is only an external maturation, the crisis of 35 years once again turns everything in their lives.
Even social progress do not help, despite the fact that public opinion has a sufficiently clear criteria of success - a state of mind, career development, living conditions: flat, children, family, car, caravan. It would seem that still need to be human?
Someone at this age the first time asks himself the question "what for?". Someone begins to rethink his whole life, and then talks about the spiritual crisis. So I got this and that - and then what? All the same, again?
At this age, some people come in denominations and communities, where they are looking for support and the ability to embed itself in some new dimension, a new framework for spirituality. Often, the first time in his life a person really understands their problems and tries to solve them on their own. This lifetime with awakened consciousness.
Alexander Men wrote about it this way: "How would intricately folded or fate - everything has meaning, if we want to understand it and find it. It is a pity to me that people find such pettiness. One of the main rules of life: not to look in the microscope. You know: a microscope, you can see the most terrible germs that live next to us, and from time to time - peacefully. Live large - the only thing that is worthy of man. And then this ... From this vermicelli and infantilism men ... dig into the details of their own, in their own microscopic / essentially / vanity and self-deception, etc. -. Mountain. If ... if ... I would. »
The emergence of this question: "What do I have?" - Is the main feature of the crisis, which marks a new phase of life - the path to personal, not just social maturity. It would seem that everything is there - and suddenly you find that there is no life. And finds it mostly to mid-life, but maybe even earlier - when faced with any particular situation. This is our first living abroad for debriefing. Children - are no longer children and adolescents, they finish school or went to college
. Their education, their first success for the majority of parents - an indicator of its own success. To a large extent why we so worried about their scores. But we can not live their lives, as we would have liked. We must look for a meaning in life. And at this stage, not to look for him, hiding from myself - is also a sign of immaturity
. The famous psychologist and psychotherapist Viktor Frankl so formulated his goal: to help people find their meaning. To help search for and find their purpose. It may consist of many different things, the main thing that the man himself felt it.
It is only found their own meaning, their own decisions only give people optimism in summing up his life. And then, in his old age he is aware of: my life - not a chain of missed opportunities and a life lived slightly. This is my life!
Author: Julia Lutz
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