The secret to a long and happy relationship - kindness to each other

Every year in August, the "wedding" month of the year, thousands of couples say "yes", thereby bonding relationship that will last throughout their lives and will be full of joy and love to the end of their days. That's only with the majority of it does not work. At least half of all marriages end in divorce and splits. Of all married, on average, only three out of ten will consist in a healthy, happy marriage, says psychologist Ty Tashiro. < Website published an article devoted to research of love in search of an answer to the question - what is the secret to a long happy relationship

? Sociologists began to seriously study the marriage in 1970, due to the crisis: couples began divorce simply unprecedented rates Concerned that the impact of these divorces could have on the children left behind ruined marriages, psychologists began. watch the different couples, trying to find the "ingredients" necessary for healthy and lasting relationship. Was every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, or disintegrated between all marriages have in common?

One of the researchers was the psychologist John Gottman from New York. Together with his wife, Julia, he created "Gottman Institute", whose main task - to help couples maintain healthy relationships through the use of research

. Gottman began collecting data on the relationship back in 1986 when he, along with his colleague Robert Levenson created the "Love Lab" at the University of Washington. Gottman and Levinson invited the newlyweds to the laboratory and watching how they interact with each other. Together with a team of other researchers are connected to a special test electrodes and asked them to talk about their relationship, about how and when they met, about when they first originated the conflict, their overall positive memories.

While the couple was told, electrodes measured the blood pressure of the test, heart rate, and even the amount of sweat, which are identified in the course of conversation. Then, the researchers sent a pair of home to meet with them six years, if they are, of course, were still together.



After analyzing the data collected Gottman pair broke into two large groups:. "Master" and "unfortunate"

"Master" and after six years together. A "poor" in six years, or were divorced or were chronically unhappy marriage. "Unfortunate" during the interview looked calm, but their physiology, which has been monitored by means of electrodes, told a very different story. Their pressure was higher, their sweat glands are more active, their heart beat faster.

After analyzing thousands of couples, Gottman found: the higher the physiological activity of the newlyweds in the laboratory, the faster their relationship deteriorated

. Organisms "accidents" showed all the signs of excitement, if before the fight. It seemed that at any moment they are ready to face the saber-toothed tiger (the reaction of "fight or flight"). Even if they were talking about some pleasant aspects of their relationship, they still were ready to attack and to attack. This eventually made the partners more aggressive towards each other.

But the "master" on the contrary, showed a very low degree of physiological arousal. They felt peace and unity that filled their behavior with warmth and affection, even when they quarreled. "Masters" have managed to create an atmosphere of intimate confidence, which made them more emotional. Thus, the relationship became physically comfortable.

Gottman would like to learn more about how to "master" creates this atmosphere of love and intimacy and how "unfortunate" it destroys. The next study he conducted in 1990, and participated in it 130 newlyweds. He watched them while they were living in the university campus, and did what couples usually do on holiday: cooking, cleaning, listening to music, eating and chatting. During observations Gottman made one more discovery, which brought him to the answer to the question of why some couples break up, while others are not.

< During the day, the partners make each other so called "connection requests" which Gottman calls "the proposals». For example, my husband very much like a bird, and he says that in the yard fly goldfinch. Then he can say to his wife: "Look at this beautiful bird in the yard»

! He did not just comment on the appearance of the bird. He asks his wife's response. He wants to see signs of interest and support. He hopes that she quickly "connect" to the subject of his interest, while the bird is still close.

The wife in this situation has a choice: it is, in the words of Gottman can answer that or "turning" to her husband, or "turning away" from it

. And although this "proposal" with a bird can someone seem silly, it is very much to say about the nature of the relationship: the husband thinks that the bird is important enough to mention it in conversation, and the question is, will support his wife this point view or not.

People look to their partners using the "proposals" may get different answers. Someone in the reply demonstrate their interest and support. Someone "turn away" from them, that is, his reaction will be minimal. And someone may respond to the "proposal" with undisguised hostility, saying something like: "Stop stop me, I'm reading." This type of interaction has a very serious impact on family well-being.

Couples who divorced six years later, "turned" to each other only in 33% of cases. Only three out of ten "proposals" emotional connection otklik.Pary received, which after six years of marriage to stay together, "turned" to each other in 86% of cases. That is, the almost nine out of ten cases they maintained emotional "suggestions" of its partners.

After watching this kind of interaction, Gottman can with a probability of 94% to say what will happen with a pair of six years: whether it is happy or unhappy, it will fall apart or not. It does not depend on whether they are rich or poor, whether they have children, and so on. N. It depends on what kind of spirit they bring to their relationship. It can be a kindness and generosity. Or it may be criticism, contempt and hostility

Contempt -. The number one factor, because of which decays most couples The people who are focused on constant criticism of its partners, passed about half. positive things that make those, and tend to see the negative, where it does not exist.

Users who provide their partners "cold shoulder" - deliberately ignoring the partner or reacting to it is minimal - inevitably soured relations as make a loved one feel useless empty space

On the other hand, kindness "glues". pair. The study found that kindness (along with emotional poise) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in marriage.

There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think of it as a fixed, that is, it is either there or it is not. Or you can think about it as a muscle: the muscle in some people more than others, but poor people can become stronger through exercise. "Masters" tend to think of goodness as a muscle. That is, they know they have to regularly show kindness to keep it "in form". In other words, they know that maintaining a good relationship requires constant hard work.

And the most difficult to practice kindness, of course, during an argument. However, at this time it is very important to be kind. If the conflict to give vent to emotions, and release of control contempt and aggression, it could cause irreparable damage to the relationship.

"Compassion does not mean that we do not express anger, it gives the opportunity to choose how to express anger. You can furious pounce on his partner. Alternatively, you can explain why you hurt and why you are so angry. And this method is much kinder ", - says Julie Gottman

. For hundreds of thousands of pairs of lesson that can be drawn from these studies is as follows: if you want to have a long, stable and healthy relationship, start to "train" the kindness as soon as possible, and do it as often as possible


via factroom.ru