Once, a few million years ago, as a student, I conducted psychological circle for pupils. We gathered in the basement of the five-story building - as I remember, with the personal approval of the Secretary of Komsomol, and doing experiments on human beings totally inhuman kind. Themes "Educating Parents" and "Interaction with gopotoy" aroused particular interest. As well as bringing tangible benefits.
For example, in the midst of discussion the next book by Vladimir Levi heap up to us three buhih brow with tattoos "Airborne" and begin a loud conversation in the format "A Th at you here as well?". Ira little brunette-ninth-grader who was in the night "on duty for guests' displeasure sniffles, and all views expressed" koneeeechno, are you interested delaaami, but as a duty - so I "says chelas:" Well, Cho got up, We go and talk "and leads them into the far corner for a chat. No matter what and how the conversation went, but in the end the guys eagerly offered themselves as instructors Parachuting and begged us all to live permanently.
Even then, it has become clear that the therapeutic sermons such as "you can always find a solution acceptable to all" - complete bullshit and populism. Because constructive solution implies both sides constructive purposes and the willingness of these parties to act constructively. And that, to put it mildly, not a trend. Where do you usually charged to a negative entity that this negative long cherished, nurtured and waited for someone to spend.
And then - oops! - So you.
And he does not have any constructive purpose than to merge with you all the accumulated and badly overcooked, then leave happy. No matter under what guise is drained: the parental demands fair or street rudeness or bureaucratic impressively, or weary of chronic marital squabbles. It is important that there are moments when the maximum objective - to block and to dispel negative energy partner.
What's in this case? As always, it is easier to start with what to do. Do not do anything that activates in the terminator, standing in front of you, the instinct of a fighter or pursuer. That is, it is not necessary:
• Ignore the aggressor (it included a dominant "He thinks I'm an empty space»).
• excuses (included excitement "break through the defense»).
• To prove that he is wrong (you put it in a competitive position with the loss of face in the case of loss).
But "hot dozen" working methods with negative energy partner (most of the names have remained since those times of the basement).
1. The bride kidnapping. Disconnect from the power
Grocery store old format, with the counter. A couple dozen shoppers jostle in the hall. Suddenly a woman seizes attention, swinging open bottle of milk and uttering terrible speech on "sold sour." A saleswoman at a loss, trying to appease the daughter of Nemesis, and somehow solve the situation (to return the money to replace the product) are not successful. The scandal is growing, to the prosecution joined by other fighters for justice against sour milk.
What's happening? It is clear that the question is not in the milk, she just collects the energy of the audience, and it is a thrill. Take the elbow, output in the corridor under oath "all here right now to solve everything" - and the storm has passed. The cord is pulled out of the socket. Anyone who by occupation working with groups of people should remember once and for all - no fights for the public. Gone, cut off, cut off the conflict away from the source of power.
One of my good friend, as soon as he and his wife brewing "informal conversation", he immediately takes her hand and leads him into the street, "let's go for a walk, go out there and talk." Because the apartment in which he lived for a long time, the charged emotions of the past - the same sort of energy source. Come to the park! Unplug the power cord!
2. LOVING FATHER. Aggressor regret
My friend has a daughter eleven years. Frankly, not a model of an excellent pupil, Komsomol and athletes. In short, the mother almost always has something to show her. "There is something there, but how to eat it?" Clean daughter brains mother almost never fails. Watched dialogue:
- Damn, Olga again two deuces! You promised !!!
- Oh, Mom, why are you so worried? You can not, you have pressure ...
- I'm not worried, is that you should worry about your studies! ..
- Well, you say you do not worry, and I see that worried, but you really can not ... Well do not worry because, well, stupid daughter, well, what can you do ...
The technique of "loving dad" the main thing - a total sincerity sympathy. The girl leaves the professional line of fire, becoming next to the arrow and soul of care and understanding - just not on the head stroking. "I'm here, I own burzhuinskie, and there under the fire of some other fool-daughter, how I sympathize with you, Mom ..." At the time when the fire is transferred to it, it easily and gracefully do dance steps and is next to the arrow - and again out of the affected area.
3. good cop. Interrogation understanding
Another friend of the family. Her husband - a terrible bore. What would the wife made no - it's not so. All bad, dissatisfied with everything.
Recently it behaves quite wow. I asked him "mate" - what happened, do not you sick? No, he says I just changed tactics. Previously, I had tried to ignore the claims of long crepe - is not torn. It did not help, it only got worse. Now all I have to present his one reaction: many questions, that he has in mind. What? But as? What for? Do I understand you to say that? .. And if I'm always going to do you want? And if not? And why?
And, it is not angry, I ask? And why is it that should anger, she asked earnestly. I want to understand, then to make it better! I'm not to blame for that as long as questions I ask, the initiative is on my side?
Saying this, she smiled slyly.
4. EXCHANGE OF MIND. Voiced the thoughts of others
One of the most stringent and effective techniques. Including "exchange of minds", you simply articulate interlocutor for his claim to you sincerely to join them. There are variations of technique:
a) Mirror. Thoughts are repeated for the interlocutor. "You're never in a not cleaned! - Mom, you're absolutely right! I never for a tidy not forgive! »
b) Proactive. Thoughts are sounded to claims. "Mom, I know what you're going to say. And you're absolutely right. I'm really very rare for a tidy up. This is totally unacceptable! »
c) The epistolary. "Mom, if you're reading this letter, then have realized that I left the club, do not clean your room. This is completely unacceptable, and although I did not have time, that I have absolutely no excuses ... »
c) Rezumiruyuschy. "Yes, Mom, you're absolutely right!" After this includes the technique of "Robot" (see. On).
5. WORKSHOP. Writing the word "adult»
Indoor Adult - it is our subpersonality, which is focused on achieving the goals and cold calculation. In contrast to the domestic parent and child, adult does not consider it appropriate display of emotion in the conflict, and operates with the results, resources, algorithms.
- So, you're pinned back home after a ten! How many times have we talked about this! How many times have you promised! And your studies? You rolled on Three! And your friends? It's a shame !!!
- So, Dad ... I understand you propose to us to talk. But let's not do it at the door, we went into the room, sit down and talk. Here ... Now, come on. Just not in bulk. What do you want to discuss? What time is it now? My studies? Or my friends? Let's choose one topic and discuss? But to come to any result that will satisfy both of us ...
6. The scales of justice. Compare alternative
The technique is simple. Instead of war, barricades and defend his innocence you take your own point of view, in terms of partners and demonstrative to objectively compare their pros and cons.
The question is not to find the best solution. The point is that by doing so, you are out of your opponent turn into an expert. Another way to come up with an elegant movement of the line of fire. The experts do not shoot.
7. Susanin. Lead in the history of
- How could you do that? !!!
- Really, not good work. So I remember a similar case, where it ended even worse. It comes as something to us checking ...
- I'm not asking about the case and about you personally !!!
- So I say, it could have a very bad end. One of my clients told me that ...
Do not stop, just do not stop!
8. GAP. Breaking script
The child is crying - he did not buy the toy. Bitter tears and the sound is dispersed on the rise KAMAZ. No act of persuasion, the promise and the threat of flogging. Valid only one thing: "vooon ran pussy !!! Ahh, what kiiiska! »
Do any of your opponent have a clear set of scenarios - what you can do, and how it will respond to it. But if you do not this principle - it is lost as a "not this," he continued there. Spread will not, for it is better Bandler and Grinder about scrapping template does not tell you anyway.
9. grandfather, Freud. Give interpretation
Technique is a tough one for receiving "Loving Dad." You do not just sympathize with the aggressor, but also try to understand the reasons for his aggressive mood. Maybe he had a row with his wife? Or he has a problem at work? Or is he a child of such a gloomy? Maybe early problems with his mother?
Get you in the face as a result or not is highly dependent on the sincerity of your sympathy and interest.
10. ROBOT. I only know these words
- I would like to change the jumper, you bought yesterday. By law I have the right to two weeks.
- And that there is some kind of marriage?
- No. I would like to change the jumper, you bought yesterday. By law I have the right to two weeks.
- Yes, but we can do it only on Friday, when there will be a director ...
- I would like to change the jumper, you bought yesterday. By law I have the right to two weeks.
- So, do not get to work !!! You see, other buyers can not go to the box office ...
- I do not think it's my problem. I would like to change the jumper, you bought yesterday. By law I have the right to two weeks.
If you repeat the same thing, slightly changing the text of the introductory phrases to get you to the conflict is impossible.
The conflict - something creative, but you're a robot. And robots usually get their way.
Sooner or later.
... Those millions of years ago an instructor once explained to us greenhorn:
- From the mountain rolling a huge stone. What you do depends on what kind of style to your home. If you are a master of Taekwondo, you break the stone into small rubble kick, if the master Wu Shu - otobesh his tricky block. And if the master of aikido - to step aside and skip past the stone itself ...