If you can't forgive someone, look where you have not forgiven yourself

Magic relationship

If you know what feelings you want to evoke in humans, we can understand that feeling myself. Can't say that the rule is triggered in 100% of cases, but when the emotions being captured like lightning; it is taken into account.


So it was with me a few years ago...

I worked in a managerial position and not without reason, was considered an asset to the company. If you evaluate my productivity, it was transcendent: I was able to monitor the work of subordinates, to carry out the company plans to address the issues of development and promotion, to travel. I rightly considered myself a "star team". It wasn't narcissistic delusions, I really had to rely on. In the team I enjoyed the deserved respect, was a role model for subordinates.

But one day something went wrong. For me.

For the posts of Deputy Director in the team a new employee. This was a bureaucrat of the old school, with a rigid thinking and delusions of grandeur, which was inherited from the labor book, which was the recorded previous high positions. As befits a bureaucrat, she quickly began breaking years the rules the robots to build a new world, to create a new coalition. And the first thing she set about debunking cults of personality of those who were in authority before her.

So, it was me. Like a bone in the throat, I was irritated by it all: appearance, arrogance, wage, impact on the head. And, in her opinion, was absolutely unacceptable to leave unpunished the fact that the Department head receives much more of the Deputy Director.

Started a witch-hunt. Carefully recorded all my little failures and violations of innovations. Going the whole meetings in order to arrange a public flogging. Arranged minor mischief and provocation in which I behaved not the best way.

Then there were a whole bunch of its supporters, who abruptly began to find in me all the worst, I remember every miss and mistake.

To remain in such an atmosphere, it was unreal. I felt rage and impotence. I could not withstand the state when I am confronted with the cosy "stars team" and referred to the usual, high-handed, greedy, etc. I couldn't stand when I lowered to the ground and devalue my contribution.

I decided to leave work.

Had no desire to look up words, spend the time and effort to explain the reasons for its decision. I didn't need the wording, and I gave the opportunity to others. No means no. I, as a young child, decided to leave his beloved sandbox, because it came to the older girl from a neighboring yard. In spite of the entreaties loyal to me members, I decided to slam the door and go nowhere.

Still staying away from the "Indian showdown", now my Director. The situation got out of control and has reached a point where it was necessary to make radical decisions. His choice was clear for me that meant a choice not in favor of its new Deputy Director. The value of my stay at the firm was much more than the value which carried its activities and which, in the end, reduced to a banal personal calculations.

"I want to apologize for what happened. If you want, I can fire her!".

Do I want this? If I had the courage and honestly voiced the first thought out loud, then I'd say:

"Yes, that's exactly what I want."

A wave of anger descended on me, and I immediately went into a "now or never". I wanted to settle with the offender, put it on the blades. I had a chance to decide where in the phrase: "Execute not pardon" to put a comma. Without pathos, but for me it was a moment of triumph. I was happy, I felt pride. I managed to fight the older girl from their sandbox and return all your cakes. I could even make it so its never been on my property.

Inside I was seething volcano of emotion, and scorching lava tried to escape to belittle the verdict. In the abdomen opened a hole in the gray color that sucked me into the depths of the volcano. A deep hole that makes me weak and defenseless. There is resentment and fear.

I covered the uncertainty.Why would I fire her? Yes, I will in its own right, but I'll be happy?

What's in it for me and what feelings I want to have experienced my offender?

...I want to make her feel that you no longer need. I want her to be scared, to feel lonely and helpless. I want her exposed and showed that it is the most ordinary person, which is also found justice. I want her to feel not valuable, incompetent. She felt like a loser...

Oh, my God! Behind a veil of anger and justice I saw the incident as in a distorting mirror. In whiskey snuck throbbing pain, the purpose of which was to shift the focus from thoughts to feelings. I suddenly became small-small, and of me hanging the entire weight of a decision I have to make.

It's impossible! I wanted to transfer his own pain to bring her back a hundredfold, to clean it up! I wanted to get rid of this stuff, and other ways to throw it in the face of the offender are unable to come up with.

I wanted his shame to pass it on!!!

I felt like a loser, useless and incompetent. I was afraid of exposing and felt powerlessness. I can't live their failures and mistakes. I am ashamed to find himself at the scaffold, when it sat on a pedestal. I am ashamed of it to earn money. Even my decision to walk away without a fight is an unconscious desire of triumph. In this case, I, however, have not sunk to that level to prove "their flawed misconceptions." I'm proud, I'm over it. This way I stay all "nice", and the offender - all bad. She was a demon and I the angel. She is the aggressor and I the victim.

I'm in the armor. I like a bright knight in armor and a visor on the face. I closed myself from myself.

Heart began to beat softly. Me gradually began to return peace of mind and ability to reason. It felt lousy.

I sighed and, without anger, said, "No need to fire anyone....".

Our feelings is a signal system. The red light that lights up in the time of danger. If it's too long to ignore the incoming signals – the trouble is inevitable. Fear, sadness, aggression suggests that in our environment there is something that goes beyond the usual and requires a change in behavior. By and large, sense is the instrument that best of the head indicates what is really going on with us.

It is important to give a little time for ourselves to recognize emotions. To let in the heart that whispers to the mind and understand what you want to feel after interacting with you.

You can pretend to be fearless, confident, and act like reckless and then be destroyed by the ruthless torrent of criticism and ridicule that will inevitably fall upon the presumptuous blowhard.

"Aren't you ashamed to bring home bad grades?" the message, which is a shame parents for your own failure. Much easier to transfer the shame to the child like a hot potato than it is to take very own feelings.

"If not for you, I would have gone with the hated works" - an attempt to give the other the blame for the indecision and irresponsibility.

"You didn't earn enough," and under it a shame that they failed to realize their own potential and build a career.

"You're always ignoring me. That might make me angry", anger turned inwards due to years of self-deception and illusions that people will change.

"I can't trust you because you betrayed me" - a charge where there is a fault in front of him for what he allowed to be treated like that.

To deceive themselves still will not work. Repressing feelings, we are in a state of confusion. Any rejected feeling pain stuck in the body and any stressful situation would be a sufficient trigger for the launch of bodily reactions that will make or to freeze, or flee or attack.

Again and again affirm allegiance phrase: "If you can't forgive someone, look where you have not forgiven yourself."

The only thing that helps to attain integrity is the ability to honestly look at themselves and the process of contemplation to open deeper. Sincerely to say: “Here I feel powerless. And here – pride". Or: “Yes, I love to make good money. I love money and I'm not ashamed”. Or: “I'm broken”. One has only to recognize these manifestations in themselves and to allow it to be seem not clothed in psychological protection.

It is important to remember that in life we meet different travelers. They will be our teachers, which will help us to know ourselves better: someone more, someone less, but each will leave a mark in our lives.

This is the magic of relationship — they get to light our pain, shame, old wounds and protection from them. Because the only relationships can shed light on what we hide from ourselves and heal that long ago, wants to be healed. published


Author: Tatiana Sarapina

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind - together we change the world! ©

Source: gestaltclub.com/articles/obsaa-psihologia/8524-esli-ne-mozes-prostit-kogo-to-isi-gde-ne-prostil-seba


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