10 myths about forgiveness Bashny.Net

In popular psychological literature declared: we must forgive. Sure! What would you do! After all, forgiveness has many advantages: it takes negative feelings, anger, resentment, and anger. In their place have come the love, harmony, gratitude, and other considered "good" feelings.

But why many people do not want to go through the "correct" way of harmony and of forgiveness, why do the years hold on to those feelings that bring a lot of discomfort? What, are they stupid or "psychologically advanced"?

Of course, it is easy to "mark" such people. However, you will notice that the behavior of those who are not ready to forgive any offense under any conditions, there is a certain wisdom. First, all the feelings come from a person, and as a signal of psychological processes





and just to quell any sense of is how to score pain analgesics: unpleasant feelings, of course, will go, and the process in the body, the signal which was a pain, will not stop. And it may well be that while you seize any painkillers "negative signal" from the body, an organ (liver, teeth, Appendix) seriously destroyed. Same thing with resentment and anger: they indicatethat:

"There was something wrong! I was treated not like they should to me!". Of course, attitudes and opinions about how the "should do" can be a person absolutely false (narcissistic introjection, for example), but can be absolutely sensible signals to indicate that someone has broken into your borders. (For example, comes to school, the mother of a fifth-grader, walking down the corridor, smiling.

To meet her homeroom teacher frowns and says, "this is what you're smiling when your son has such a mark! Well, in my office, let's talk!". In my opinion, the situation when a grown, independent mom scolded like a school student – completely wild and unacceptable behavior and healthy here — calmly and with dignity to defend their borders, not to spread love and harmony in response.

To avoid at all costs any negative because it is negative is childish, magical thinking. We are given feelings, both positive and negative, and they are all important and valuable, all play a role in the health and survival of man.
Because campaigning for it, "to forgive at any price" the Internet is full-full, I decided to collect the myths about forgiveness and discuss them here:

Миф1."You can forgive any offense and any offender".

This is the right thing to do.
You can't "forgive" someone that can not in principle be punished. You can forgive only those whom you have the power to forgive and can choose to punish or pardon. For example, the offending child, you can forgive, and President Obama bombed Iraq – no. The President of the United States, neither hot nor cold from what you first "offense", and then "forgiven and filled with harmony." Well, that is, to comfort yourself, do not get angry and not to be offended that someone as strong and having the power to hurt you – and it might bring relief. But it certainly cannot be called forgiveness, but only self-consolation or self-hypnosis.

Миф2."To forgive is good for health".

Painful feelings (resentment, anger) accumulate and harm the body and cause physical illnesses and can even lead to cancer!
"Disable" your own sensitivity to pain is an even faster path to disease of the body. Emotional pain, hurt to perform in the psyche the same important role that the body's pain receptors. They signal something to you or not. And to drown out the signals from the mind (resentment and anger), forcibly replacing them with love, light and harmony is the same as seizing the painkillers, hallucinogens. That is, not only that the signals of pain receptors are suppressed, but also information about the real world, people do not get. He might already be in danger, it is possible that he faces, but also "all is well, beautiful Marquise" he hears.

Миф3."In the position of the offended stanosyatsya those who want to manipulate others or to enjoy the benefits and comforts of the victim".

The victim so many amenities: first to defer harm, and then also to listen to the accusations that "Samodurova" and "you're just a manipulator." Yes, we all know that "professional victims", though its not such a large percentage. But it is unfair to expose the real victim of double suffering (from abuse, and then from the accusations of "enjoying their suffering" and manipulation) just for the sake of any positioner is not used for human sympathy and support.

Миф4."The one who is offended and doesn't forgive – just feels sorry for himself and revels in the pity."

Yeah, what's wrong with that? Why sympathy and support can be obtained only from the side, why not to regret and not to support the person with whom you're gonna spend the rest of your life – yourself? Do you only ridicule, punish and forbid myself to have certain feelings? (By the way: don't feel sorry for yourself at all – it's an even faster way to cancer).

Миф5."And you just don't think about bad, do not create the negative thought forms"

I had a friend who didn't like to wear seat belts when driving and the reasonable observation that, say, it's dangerous and you can die in an accident, indignantly demanded: "don't talk about the bad, do not create the negative thought forms!". This is magical thinking, pure and simple. In addition to "thought forms" there are objective factors that affect the psyche, health and life. And "just not think" about what really exists – is to put yourself in danger. Negative feelings toward another person may signal that you should not be the case, that he was dangerous, unreliable, can cause harm. Not to hear the signals from your own psyche – this is the same as not to think about the possibility of an accident, "not to create negative thought forms" and not to take steps to protect themselves.

Миф6."The offender needs pity and support"

He didn't mean it, he probably did not want or did not know that brings such harm.

To think out of the other and in advance to forgive him everything – not the best way to build relationships. How do you know for the other person — maybe he wanted. Maybe he entered him, and he didn't care about your interests. And now you have and in advance to forgive, so convenience has become full and there is no reason to change their behavior. "Still do forgive and I'll regret it."

 

Миф7."To keep evil on the other – it's a vicious circle, supporting the negative in the world, the family and society"

To do bad things to others and not to the reward (even in the form of resentment and breakup) is also the world, the family and society is not very much good will. If evil is not punished, it will be repeated again. In all the movies and fairy tales, good triumphs over evil and the villains are punished, not forgiven in the first frames of the film for the sake of "harmony and light".

Миф8."Forgiveness is a spiritual practice, a path to enlightenment. Be offended and hold a grudge means to spoil the karma"

The law of karma suggests that for every action there will come a retribution from the world. How do you know you may be the instrument of karma and your role in the universe is to punish someone who goes wrong with others?

Миф9."We need to be merciful. Forgiveness is a Christian virtue"

Well, then one of two things: either you're a Christian or believe in "karma". (I don't care, but the Church does not consider you a Christian if you preach the ideas of Hinduism). And, frankly speaking, the Bible is full of not only calls kindly to forgive, but also demands equal payment for what he did offense -"an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth."

Миф10."Resentment is a manifestation of selfishness and pride"

Forgiveness is also a manifestation of pride. "I'm so spiritual, great, and wise, that will forgive anyone of these people, not knowing the light of truth". Pride can take many forms, so make sure not dismissive whether you judge those heights of spirituality and forgiveness has not yet reached?





In summary, I say: forgiveness is always a choice. And it will have a value only when you don'T have to forgive, and can freely choose another option relations to man. For this purpose, for greater freedom of choice, I considered all the proposed ideas.
And will you decide for yourself. In the end, it's your life to live, isn't it? published

 

Author: Elizabeth Pavlova

 



Source: psypavlova.ru/2015/01/24/kak-pravilno-ne-proshat/