HOW to interfere competently, to have a reputation as a peaceful person

Whether you like conflict as much as I love them?

Do you know how to clash properly so, to have a reputation as a peaceful person?

“Conflict” has such negative emotional baggage that can touch the subject without a sense of fear and resistance almost impossible. So I'll try onion skin to strip it to the core. All the strange – scary. Let's be clear.


So, every day our interests and opinions are at odds with the interests and opinions different from us. There is a “potential” conflict. At this stage hasn't happened yet direct confrontation, but some (or both) of the parties notice the mismatch. In the case when the situation is not important for us, the decision not to get involved will come by itself and will not cause internal resistance. Actually, this is not a conflict at all, but just another notch that the world is imperfect. But imagine that the situation is important to us that we are talking about relatives, children, their own deep values, the atmosphere at work or in the family, and so on.

At this stage there are two bad ways:

1. Try to avoid conflict and to convince yourself that it is not, that you don't feel anger. It does not, the feelings you can't persuade, they just are. How you say “halva” in the mouth will not become sweeter. What is passive aggression. The power of changing the world around him, and the power to defend themselves, which is born of aggression, will become a poison in itself. There will be all these “choke” talk behind my back the sarcasm and depreciation, sudden deafness and forgetfulness, deception, loss of confidence and simply toxicity in the relationship. Therefore, it is important to give children in conflict with yourself to stew in the poison of their own anger trite harmful to health.

2. Throw in mindless emotional affect. Usually this happens sooner or later, if it was the desire to avoid conflict. In other words, when passive aggression is poison enough on the inside, it will still spill out in an uncontrolled open aggression.

Both happen from fear of conflict. The fear that lives from childhood, when for trying to thwart us were punished anyway. When effective, fruitful, developing conflict.


Therefore, in order not to be afraid – the skin is the first down:



In each of us, put very simplistically, there are thoughts, values, and feelings. To sit down and see it in both sides. Here is an example: the teacher writes daughter in a notebook sarcastic, caustic comments. Daughter is angry and loses the desire to learn. I'm furious at the teacher. So I:

  • Feelings: Anger. The feeling that I am unable to protect the child, the futility. Resentment for her daughter. The fear to break. Fear to look boorish. Fear of harming the baby.
  • Values and beliefs: Children do not learn well when they are humiliated. The humiliation of the individual – is unacceptable. Teachers should not only teach, but also to provide emotional support for the child. A parent should protect their child.
  • Thoughts, rationalization: the Teacher most likely old school. School is driving the results. The teacher don't like my child. The teacher is a malicious fool. Teacher – travmatik itself.

And now the same thing, if you stand in position. Naturally, this assumption would be to check them – the task of the next phase of the conflict.So, the teacher:

  • Feelings: Children are annoying. Parents do not care. The child does not Express respect. You're all smart. I got tired of it all.
  • Beliefs: Without guidance and criticism to teach. The child should be able himself to cope with the emotional sphere. Emotional care for children – not my problem. The teacher must be hard.
  • Of thought, of rationalization: They may not be. Perhaps the teacher is not passive aggression, and this is his normal form of communication. And, perhaps, he believes that the parent indulges the child, and tries to restore the balance, bringing through good criticism.

When we reflect on these assumptions, the next stage



The statement of the problem as “check your assumptions” removes the need to immediately rush with fists and Bazooka. We don't have a goal to resolve the conflict, we need to check introductory.

To validate input, they have to trust in us and shared their thoughts and feelings. So at this stage we are deep undercover, having a clear intelligence challenge.

We build rapport, and then LISTEN. Listen to and shakes us. To have something to listen to, you need to talk. Need a friendly, friendly conversation in which your opinion, feelings and beliefs yet to be able to show all of them to the other side.

For example, I came to talk, saying that “children have exams soon, probably, now especially hard? Do you think Tessa is configured to test? Maybe you see some problems? Maybe we, as parents, could do something differently?”. Heard a lot of interesting things that confirmed my assumptions. That “children need pressure, otherwise they will not listen.” “Children believe that they owe nothing to anybody”, and “discipline is not born of indulgence,” and “Yes, Tessa loves the praise and the response, but it makes it difficult to learn the class and not useful for her.”


When we have obvious induction, we need to decide for yourself – the third skin – what we want is the bottom line? –



At this point you need to decide what we actually achieve. To prove his innocence? Uest? To emerge victorious? To establish a relationship? To change the dynamics?

If we want emotional celebration, “I told you so” – it is better to score. It's not worth it. Rather, the price is too high. The need for correctness it is better to solve with yourself and with your therapist, not with the opponent. It is a sore wound that closes minds.

Suppose that we are conscious and intelligent, I understood the passion and desire to be right, I saw all points of view – nevertheless, you want to be on our way.

There is an important decision – whether, in the best scenario, to change beliefs and the emotional state of your opponent? If it can be done, no chance, in their worldview there is even a small slit of a doubt – then the decision in how we act on. Complain? Write to your superiors? Quit? Divorce? In any case, it is the recognition that to solve the conflict you can only resolve one of the parties.

What if there is hope? It is possible to get through? What is the desire and strength to knock?


Then the next skin –



I regularly receive requests from potential employees. “Your job is perfect for me”, “I fit this option.” What exactly was wrong? Correctly, they not so focus. They say that they are important and not that important to me. So I'm not ready to hear the continuation. We are so constituted that important to us – it is almost the only reality. Important for others – an annoying hindrance. So here, still, you are not. There is only the opponent of the conflict, and reality. And we will change it.

“So Tessa reaches out to you,” said I to the teacher, ready to listen, “she is so important in your opinion, she sees you as a mentor”, “it is so important to hear from you support,” said I, “it often talks about you, about what you teach”, “I think it's so great when a child has a teacher who her real friend and ally”, “we are often trying to help her learn, but she withers without your support”, “you are very important to her, she catches every word”, I'd say. And maybe there would be a small tectonic shift, and on Tuesday morning the teacher would have seen the wrong girl, which I want to write poignant stuff, and the other, living girl, which stretches to her and listens to her. And maybe she'd spoken a different language.

Our goal is to change the world picture of the opponent. To cease to be peel's wife, a stupid parent, shiftless worker. Become a friend, an artist, a storyteller.




If all the previous stages are passed this stage myself. You suddenly hear. You Express your wishes and doubts in a non-toxic manner, and the opponent agrees to try.

If you change the picture of the world, it only remains to paint. Agree with the teacher on another. To agree with my husband that next time in such situations, you will do so. To negotiate with the boss for a testing period of your free graphics.

And enjoy the changes that your relationship suffered as a result of the conflict. Yes, all this was a conflict, a clash of opinions, but the conflict played a piece of music with the best beliefs inside.




In fact, these people are not very much. Most are simply defending their own vital and truthful. And if they are in the clear, they are ready to hear. But Yes, it happens, or protecting them too scratchy, or the strength to handle it, but no way. In any way without direct confrontation.

Then banal two principles:

  • assume the best in people, no matter what;
  • be honest with your goal.

Very often, the goal is to heat. Especially in conflict with harmful, toxic, heavy opponent. It's kind of payback for all the bad things, a way of emotional balance. Our senses is very important, so I urge you to go to a quiet place, and there to make this whole “you... rful asshole, you'll see how you all will fall apart, and then cry”. Himself, not the opponent. You can, of course, the opponent, but then he will Express that you are, in fact,... tion was a fool, and all the same. And it's not happy.

Let's be smarter. Let... th asshole without preaching. Protect yourself and get away from emotional musilova. Conflict – your protection your. Not an attempt to trample him, but calm, confident, protect your hand, almost like a doctoral dissertation (thesis, not sausage).

Dignity. The advantage at this stage saranam grain changes. All the violence in the world is primarily aimed at humiliation. All the violence the world is divided about the sense of human dignity. I can be quartered and kill, but not to force to let go. If you suddenly have the strength (and if not enough, then do not worry, we the people), the best – it is worthy to say no and walk away. Empty space sometimes allows the unexpected to develop. The empty space, not cursing after.

However, it is a question of purpose. It is always a question of purpose. Revenge?

Or build yourself a new skill – the ability to interfere? published


Author: Olga Nechaeva

P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©



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