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How to avoid conflict: 10 techniques
Sometimes there are moments when the maximum objective – to block and dissipate the negative energy of a partner.
This is when you have a loaded negativity of the subject which this film long cherished, nurtured and waited on someone to spend.
And then – oops! so you.
Has no constructive purpose except to drain you of all accumulated and poorly digested, and then to leave happy. No matter which mask is being drained: fair parental demands, or street rudeness, or bureaucratic impressively, the tired-chronic marital squabbles.
And it is clear that the therapeutic sermons of the type "you can always find a solution acceptable to all" is complete bullshit and populism.
Because constructive solution to the problem implies the two sides have constructive purposes, and the willingness of these parties to act constructively.
And this is, to put it mildly, not a trend.
What in this case?
As always, it is easier to start with what to do. Don't need to do anything that activates the terminator, standing in front of you, the instinct of a soldier or Stalker.
That is, it is not necessary:
• Ignore the aggressor (he is dominant, "he thinks I'm nothing")
• To justify (on the excitement "to break through the defense")
• To prove that he is wrong (you put it in a competitive position with the loss of face in case of loss).
But the "hot dozen" techniques for working with negative energy partner:
1. BRIDE KIDNAPPING. Disconnecting from the source
Grocery store the old format, with the counter. A couple dozen buyers jostling in the hall. Suddenly seizes the attention of a woman, waving an open bottle of milk and gives a terrible speech on the topic "sold sour". Saleswoman in confusion, trying to calm the daughter of Nemesis and how to resolve the situation (to return the money, replace the product) do not have success. The scandal is growing, the prosecution would like to join the other fighters for justice against sour milk.
What's going on? It is quite obvious that the issue is not in the milk, the girl simply collects the energy of the audience, and she's in a rush. Take by the arm, take her out to the corridor under oath "all right now to solve everything" — and the storm subsides. Cord unplugged from the outlet. Any person who by occupation is working with groups of people, need to remember once and for all, no fights in public. Take away, cut off, cut off the conflict side of the source of power.
A good friend of mine as soon as his wife is brewing "talk", he immediately takes her hand and takes to the street: "come on-let's go out there and talk." Because the apartment in which he lived for a long time, charged with emotions of the past – the same energy source. Come out to the Park!Pull the cord out of the socket!
2. A LOVING DAD. Feel sorry for the aggressor
My friend has a daughter eleven years. Honestly, not a model straight a student, Komsomolskaya Pravda and athlete. In short, the mother almost always has something to show her. "There is something there, but how to eat it?" To clean daughter brains mother almost never fails. Watched dialogue:
— Oh, Olga, again two deuces! You promised!!
— Oh, mum, why are you so worried? You can't, you have pressure...
I'm not worried, you should worry about your studies!..
— Well, you say you're not worried, and I see that you're worried, and you really can't... Well, don't worry so, well, stupid daughter, what can you do...
In the technique of "Loving dad" the main thing is total sincerity sympathy. Girl professionally out of the line of fire, becoming close with the shooter and sincerely showing concern and understanding – only that the head is not stroked. "I'm here, I own burzhuinskie, and there under the fire of some other fool's daughter, I'm so sorry, mum..." the moment the fire is transferred to her, she easily and gracefully making dance moves and remains near the shot, and again out of range.
3. A GOOD INVESTIGATOR. Questioning understanding
Another friend of the family. Husband is a terrible bore. What his wife did everything wrong. All bad all unhappy.
Was.
The last time behaves quite wow. Ask "soul mate" — what happened that you were sick? No, says I'm just the tactics have changed. It claims tried to ignore for a long time was attached – until the jerk. Not helped, it was worse. Now, on his present I have one reaction: a long interrogation that he has in mind. What? But how? Why? Did I understand correctly that you wanted to say?.. But if I'm always gonna do for you? And if not? Why?
And I angry, you ask? Why it should anger, she was genuinely surprised. I want to understand, then to make it better! I'm not guilty that while I ask the questions, the initiative is on my side?
Saying this, she smiled slyly.
4. THE EXCHANGE OF INTELLIGENCE. To voice other people's thoughts
One of the toughest and most effective techniques. Including the "exchange of minds", you just voiced the source of his claim to you sincerely to join him. There are variants of equipment:
a) Mirror. Repeated thoughts for companion. "You've never been a litter bug! – Mom, you're absolutely right! I've never been a litter bug, I'm sorry!"
b) Preventive. Thoughts voiced to the claims. "Mom, I know what you're gonna say. And you're absolutely right. I really rarely clean up after themselves. And this is totally unacceptable!"
C) Epistolary. "Mom, if you're reading this letter, then you have already realized that I left the club, not removing his room. This is completely unacceptable, and although I didn't have time, it doesn't excuse..."
in) Resumeresume. "Yes, mom, you're absolutely right!" After it is enabled appliances "Robot" (see below).
5. A WORKING MEETING. To give the word "adult"
The inner Adult is our personality, which is focused on the achievement of goals and cold calculation. In contrast to the inner Parent and Child, the Adult does not consider it appropriate display of emotions in conflict, and operates with the results, resources, algorithms.
— So, again you came home after ten! How many times have we talked about this! How many times have you promised! And your studies? You slipped to three! What about your friends? It's a shame!!
— So, dad... I know you want us to talk. But let's not do it on the threshold, went into the hall, sit down and talk. ... Now come on. Just not in bulk. What do you want to discuss? What time is it? My studies? Or my friends? Let's pick one topic and discuss? But to come to some kind of result that will satisfy both of us...
6. THE SCALES OF JUSTICE. Compare alternative
The technique is simple. Instead of a war of barricades and defend his innocence you take their own point of view, point of view partner with the demonstrative objective, comparing their pros and cons.
The question is not how to find the best solution. The point is that in doing so, you are from the opponent turn into a expert. Another way of elegant movement out of the line of fire. Experts do not shoot. As a rule.
7. SUSANIN. To take in the history
— How could you do that?!!
Really, that is too bad. Here I remember one similar case where it all ended even worse. Comes as-that to us to check...
— I'm not asking about the case and about you personally!!
— So here I am saying it would've been a very bad end. One of my clients told me that...
Don't stop just don't stop!
8. GAP. To break the script
Child crying – he did not buy the toy. The bitter tears and the sound accelerates on the rise of KAMAZ. No act of persuasion, the promise and the threat of a whipping. Valid only one: "Vooon pussy ran!!! Ahh, what kiyoka!"
Do any of your opponent has a clear set of scenarios – what can you do and how it would respond. But if you do NOT fundamentally IS – he is lost, because under the "not that" he no further. I will not spread, for it is better Bandler and grinder about scrapping the template will not tell anyway.
9. GRANDPA FREUD. To interpret the
Technique is a hard option of receiving "a Loving dad". You don't just sympathize with the aggressor, but trying to understand the causes of his aggressive moods. Maybe he had a fight with his wife? Or was it at work? Or from childhood he so gloomy? Maybe the early problems with the mother?
Will get you in the face or not strongly depends on the sincerity of your sympathy and interest.
10. ROBOT. I only know these words
— I would like to change this jumper, bought from you yesterday. I am legally entitled to it within two weeks.
— What, is there some kind of marriage?
— No. I would like to change this jumper, bought from you yesterday. I am legally entitled to it within two weeks.
— Yes, but we can only do that on Friday, when there will be a Director...
— I would like to change this jumper, bought from you yesterday. I am legally entitled to it within two weeks.
— So, do not bother to work!!! See, other buyers can't come to the box office...
— I don't think this is my problem. I would like to change this jumper, bought from you yesterday. I am legally entitled to it within two weeks.
If you have the same story, slightly changing the text of the introductory phrases to get you on the conflict.
The conflict – something creative, and you're a robot. And usually get their way. Sooner or later.
...millions of years ago, the instructor was explaining it to us, greenhorns:
— The mountain is rolling a huge stone. What you do depends on which style native for you. If you're a Taekwondo master, you break a stone into small rubble with his foot, if the master of u-Shu whacks his cunning unit. And if the master of Aikido — a step to the side and miss the stone by himself...published
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©
Source: ig-romanov.livejournal.com/20305.html
This is when you have a loaded negativity of the subject which this film long cherished, nurtured and waited on someone to spend.
And then – oops! so you.
Has no constructive purpose except to drain you of all accumulated and poorly digested, and then to leave happy. No matter which mask is being drained: fair parental demands, or street rudeness, or bureaucratic impressively, the tired-chronic marital squabbles.
And it is clear that the therapeutic sermons of the type "you can always find a solution acceptable to all" is complete bullshit and populism.
Because constructive solution to the problem implies the two sides have constructive purposes, and the willingness of these parties to act constructively.
And this is, to put it mildly, not a trend.
What in this case?
As always, it is easier to start with what to do. Don't need to do anything that activates the terminator, standing in front of you, the instinct of a soldier or Stalker.
That is, it is not necessary:
• Ignore the aggressor (he is dominant, "he thinks I'm nothing")
• To justify (on the excitement "to break through the defense")
• To prove that he is wrong (you put it in a competitive position with the loss of face in case of loss).
But the "hot dozen" techniques for working with negative energy partner:
1. BRIDE KIDNAPPING. Disconnecting from the source
Grocery store the old format, with the counter. A couple dozen buyers jostling in the hall. Suddenly seizes the attention of a woman, waving an open bottle of milk and gives a terrible speech on the topic "sold sour". Saleswoman in confusion, trying to calm the daughter of Nemesis and how to resolve the situation (to return the money, replace the product) do not have success. The scandal is growing, the prosecution would like to join the other fighters for justice against sour milk.
What's going on? It is quite obvious that the issue is not in the milk, the girl simply collects the energy of the audience, and she's in a rush. Take by the arm, take her out to the corridor under oath "all right now to solve everything" — and the storm subsides. Cord unplugged from the outlet. Any person who by occupation is working with groups of people, need to remember once and for all, no fights in public. Take away, cut off, cut off the conflict side of the source of power.
A good friend of mine as soon as his wife is brewing "talk", he immediately takes her hand and takes to the street: "come on-let's go out there and talk." Because the apartment in which he lived for a long time, charged with emotions of the past – the same energy source. Come out to the Park!Pull the cord out of the socket!
2. A LOVING DAD. Feel sorry for the aggressor
My friend has a daughter eleven years. Honestly, not a model straight a student, Komsomolskaya Pravda and athlete. In short, the mother almost always has something to show her. "There is something there, but how to eat it?" To clean daughter brains mother almost never fails. Watched dialogue:
— Oh, Olga, again two deuces! You promised!!
— Oh, mum, why are you so worried? You can't, you have pressure...
I'm not worried, you should worry about your studies!..
— Well, you say you're not worried, and I see that you're worried, and you really can't... Well, don't worry so, well, stupid daughter, what can you do...
In the technique of "Loving dad" the main thing is total sincerity sympathy. Girl professionally out of the line of fire, becoming close with the shooter and sincerely showing concern and understanding – only that the head is not stroked. "I'm here, I own burzhuinskie, and there under the fire of some other fool's daughter, I'm so sorry, mum..." the moment the fire is transferred to her, she easily and gracefully making dance moves and remains near the shot, and again out of range.
3. A GOOD INVESTIGATOR. Questioning understanding
Another friend of the family. Husband is a terrible bore. What his wife did everything wrong. All bad all unhappy.
Was.
The last time behaves quite wow. Ask "soul mate" — what happened that you were sick? No, says I'm just the tactics have changed. It claims tried to ignore for a long time was attached – until the jerk. Not helped, it was worse. Now, on his present I have one reaction: a long interrogation that he has in mind. What? But how? Why? Did I understand correctly that you wanted to say?.. But if I'm always gonna do for you? And if not? Why?
And I angry, you ask? Why it should anger, she was genuinely surprised. I want to understand, then to make it better! I'm not guilty that while I ask the questions, the initiative is on my side?
Saying this, she smiled slyly.
4. THE EXCHANGE OF INTELLIGENCE. To voice other people's thoughts
One of the toughest and most effective techniques. Including the "exchange of minds", you just voiced the source of his claim to you sincerely to join him. There are variants of equipment:
a) Mirror. Repeated thoughts for companion. "You've never been a litter bug! – Mom, you're absolutely right! I've never been a litter bug, I'm sorry!"
b) Preventive. Thoughts voiced to the claims. "Mom, I know what you're gonna say. And you're absolutely right. I really rarely clean up after themselves. And this is totally unacceptable!"
C) Epistolary. "Mom, if you're reading this letter, then you have already realized that I left the club, not removing his room. This is completely unacceptable, and although I didn't have time, it doesn't excuse..."
in) Resumeresume. "Yes, mom, you're absolutely right!" After it is enabled appliances "Robot" (see below).
5. A WORKING MEETING. To give the word "adult"
The inner Adult is our personality, which is focused on the achievement of goals and cold calculation. In contrast to the inner Parent and Child, the Adult does not consider it appropriate display of emotions in conflict, and operates with the results, resources, algorithms.
— So, again you came home after ten! How many times have we talked about this! How many times have you promised! And your studies? You slipped to three! What about your friends? It's a shame!!
— So, dad... I know you want us to talk. But let's not do it on the threshold, went into the hall, sit down and talk. ... Now come on. Just not in bulk. What do you want to discuss? What time is it? My studies? Or my friends? Let's pick one topic and discuss? But to come to some kind of result that will satisfy both of us...
6. THE SCALES OF JUSTICE. Compare alternative
The technique is simple. Instead of a war of barricades and defend his innocence you take their own point of view, point of view partner with the demonstrative objective, comparing their pros and cons.
The question is not how to find the best solution. The point is that in doing so, you are from the opponent turn into a expert. Another way of elegant movement out of the line of fire. Experts do not shoot. As a rule.
7. SUSANIN. To take in the history
— How could you do that?!!
Really, that is too bad. Here I remember one similar case where it all ended even worse. Comes as-that to us to check...
— I'm not asking about the case and about you personally!!
— So here I am saying it would've been a very bad end. One of my clients told me that...
Don't stop just don't stop!
8. GAP. To break the script
Child crying – he did not buy the toy. The bitter tears and the sound accelerates on the rise of KAMAZ. No act of persuasion, the promise and the threat of a whipping. Valid only one: "Vooon pussy ran!!! Ahh, what kiyoka!"
Do any of your opponent has a clear set of scenarios – what can you do and how it would respond. But if you do NOT fundamentally IS – he is lost, because under the "not that" he no further. I will not spread, for it is better Bandler and grinder about scrapping the template will not tell anyway.
9. GRANDPA FREUD. To interpret the
Technique is a hard option of receiving "a Loving dad". You don't just sympathize with the aggressor, but trying to understand the causes of his aggressive moods. Maybe he had a fight with his wife? Or was it at work? Or from childhood he so gloomy? Maybe the early problems with the mother?
Will get you in the face or not strongly depends on the sincerity of your sympathy and interest.
10. ROBOT. I only know these words
— I would like to change this jumper, bought from you yesterday. I am legally entitled to it within two weeks.
— What, is there some kind of marriage?
— No. I would like to change this jumper, bought from you yesterday. I am legally entitled to it within two weeks.
— Yes, but we can only do that on Friday, when there will be a Director...
— I would like to change this jumper, bought from you yesterday. I am legally entitled to it within two weeks.
— So, do not bother to work!!! See, other buyers can't come to the box office...
— I don't think this is my problem. I would like to change this jumper, bought from you yesterday. I am legally entitled to it within two weeks.
If you have the same story, slightly changing the text of the introductory phrases to get you on the conflict.
The conflict – something creative, and you're a robot. And usually get their way. Sooner or later.
...millions of years ago, the instructor was explaining it to us, greenhorns:
— The mountain is rolling a huge stone. What you do depends on which style native for you. If you're a Taekwondo master, you break a stone into small rubble with his foot, if the master of u-Shu whacks his cunning unit. And if the master of Aikido — a step to the side and miss the stone by himself...published
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©
Source: ig-romanov.livejournal.com/20305.html