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Poisoned relationship
Important sometimes people grow apart. And we're giving them away. This can occur abruptly or gradually. But it is always accompanied by pain. It is important same person... And we long to break his head: what happens? Why? What did I do wrong?
And there are two options: one is that there is some mismatch, which we are powerless to resolve. I'm good, he's good. But we are very different and touch points is so small that it is impossible to find interest in the differences. And it's probably about impotence in relationships.
The second option is about what I can do in a relationship than to poison them. Not nourish, not soil — like flowers or trees, but on the contrary, every day to poison. And I can not notice this, and then when the relationship fails, I wonder: how so? It was all good!
The stage of development of relations
Every relationship has stages of development. The first stage is the stage of the merge, when there is a "we" and "we're good together". As in the song: "I am you, you are me. And it is necessary nothing to us." This is one of the most enjoyable periods, many really good in it, and I want it to last forever. This stage is based largely on a sense of novelty that we experience, learning partner, and especially learning about what is similar in us and that can amaze, enthrall (for example, the partner has characteristics which we would like to have myself).
But this stage always passes. Sooner or later, a few months or years — and then comes the stage of differentiation. That is, when we notice that we are different, and there are places of conflicts of interest. It is at this stage many couples apart, some want to restore what was, and go on reception to the psychotherapist.
Sometimes partners are able to pass this stage alone, that is, to be able to negotiate the interests of preserving respect for the personal space of each (to move to the stage of autonomy, then — integration). Sometimes to achieve this, you need professional help.
I want to explain how the exit point of merger, when interests begin to vary and clearly, both partners are seeking more freedom, the relationship begins to deteriorate. It is on the stage of differentiation, we can begin to poison them, do not notice it.
As we poison the relationship
Many people unconsciously dream about their partners was how they thought, how they did, as they are, and then we will endlessly experience that sweet feeling of "I'm not one!". On the other hand, they also unconsciously wish the partner was different from them and different so it's nice to wonder, to admire and to rejoice.
Usually "step merger" and do not leave it is the aim of those who grew up in the "confluent" families where cultivated affinity, and it was dangerous to have the autonomy and differences. If someone is different and has different needs, it is necessary all forces to pull back.
As soon as I notice that the other thinks and does like me and wants something completely different — I may unconsciously apply different manipulation to bypassing his Agency to make him be like me and do what I like.
How does it look?
1. I'm starting to criticize partner. "Why do you need it?", "You look stupid, so if you want to do." I use questions or interpretations that will carry the nature of the assessment or depreciation of the thoughts-feelings-actions, as well as doubts about their feasibility.
2. I'm starting to show partner his offense. I'm leaving the contact fall silent, cease speaking and be around. A mute reproach. I give my partner a message: if you want me back in contact, do what I want and be like I want.
3. I'm angry with a partner, or mad. I start to blame the partner that he spoiled my mood and generally strongly influenced by the fact that I became ill. Partner a priori guilty and obliged to do everything that my condition has changed — so, to do what I want.
4. I threaten the partner. "If it happens tomorrow I don't keep the house". "I'm not giving you money." "I will take from you the gift (I will not take of the child, not a PTA meeting, etc.)".
5. I play their dissatisfaction, correctly speaking about the partner in front of others, harming his reputation, telling a personal, intimate information that is known to me. "Yes, he's my socks every day scatters around the room!", "yesterday I got drunk and threw up all night," "he said that my best friend (mother, sister, boss) is stupid".
What causes us to poison relationships
Projection. Our partners may remind us in the manifestations of other people — parents, relatives, which can be (or was) not very bright relationship. When we realize this substitution, we unconsciously react to some "familiar" symptoms — certain feelings — anger, resentment, and kind of want to partner ceased to cause these feelings. The easiest way to change it, using manipulation.
We can also project partner in something that don't allow themselves. Partner is angry, he doesn't want to go to the movies. If I made myself angry and not wanting something does not allow it (and it — contagion — allows!), I will be very difficult to agree with him — "Yes, okay, you don't want, I'll understand."
Jealousy towards the partner. He had something better, he's more talented and intelligent. And I had "to stand at the stove and serve him." I don't allow myself (I'm scared or ashamed) to realize their talents and abilities, and he allows he's got it! Envy I can unconsciously "put a spoke in the wheel". For example, devaluing his achievements, or do they not react to (they are not), reproaching him for what he is — there, and I'm here ("even if your sneakers out of the way!"). I Express my doubts that his new idea will be a success ("Yes this do, wild competition, why do you need it? Burned!").
The desire for revenge. For example, there were many cases in relationships where I have not forgiven your partner. He was doing something that I was offended, I said nothing, might not be aware of their own prejudice, and resentment was deep and layered, and every now and then — involuntarily "spills". Of course, I can understand his desire to take revenge on the partner. Maybe small things, maybe big. I often "forget" to cook, squander money in the casino or shops, you come at the wrong time agreed, seducing other women/men. You can find a lot of options of revenge.
I can say for sure: if you do all of the above, with time the relationship will become unbearable and will need or stop them, or continue to suffer. Psychologically moving away and moving away.
That allows you to return the closeness and warmth
1. Confidential conversation with a discussion of the items listed above. To enter into a contract that both partners try not, under any circumstances, to use "illegal methods".
2. Partners are also striving to monitor yourself in situations when you unconsciously begin to work a program of "poisoning".
3. If partners are hard to notice your unconscious processes — their responsibility is to take the advice of a psychologist and undergo psychotherapy to enhance their awareness and ability to take responsibility for their contribution to the relationship.
4. The primary language of a healthy relationship is the language of direct requests. I'm asking you about that and about that. "Stay with me these 15 minutes, please hear my story", "help me with this", "hold me". Request — is a reference to another person with some range. The main feature of requests is that who asks is ready to accept and consent and refusal. If the refusal is not taken internally — this is not a request.
PSYCHOSOMATICS — the-Shoulder: a contradiction between what we NEED and what we really WANT
The power of thought attracts in life WHAT we think
5. The basic principle of any horizontal relationships (i.e., not parent-child) is the principle "I am responsible for the satisfaction of their needs. Partner next to me because I like him better than without it." The principles of the type "my partner responsible for my happiness" in this category are not included.
6. Sincere concern for the partner. I'm doing something nice because I want to and I have energy to spare for it. I don't expect every time from him any particular gratitude or some specific deed in return. I know how to give.
And in the end.
Not all relationships can be saved. This does not mean that everything is hopeless. Just not every relationship can be saved.published
Author: Elena Mitina
Source: elenamitina.com.ua/publications/ubivaya-otnosheniya-kak-nezametno-otravit-blizost.html
And there are two options: one is that there is some mismatch, which we are powerless to resolve. I'm good, he's good. But we are very different and touch points is so small that it is impossible to find interest in the differences. And it's probably about impotence in relationships.
The second option is about what I can do in a relationship than to poison them. Not nourish, not soil — like flowers or trees, but on the contrary, every day to poison. And I can not notice this, and then when the relationship fails, I wonder: how so? It was all good!
The stage of development of relations
Every relationship has stages of development. The first stage is the stage of the merge, when there is a "we" and "we're good together". As in the song: "I am you, you are me. And it is necessary nothing to us." This is one of the most enjoyable periods, many really good in it, and I want it to last forever. This stage is based largely on a sense of novelty that we experience, learning partner, and especially learning about what is similar in us and that can amaze, enthrall (for example, the partner has characteristics which we would like to have myself).
But this stage always passes. Sooner or later, a few months or years — and then comes the stage of differentiation. That is, when we notice that we are different, and there are places of conflicts of interest. It is at this stage many couples apart, some want to restore what was, and go on reception to the psychotherapist.
Sometimes partners are able to pass this stage alone, that is, to be able to negotiate the interests of preserving respect for the personal space of each (to move to the stage of autonomy, then — integration). Sometimes to achieve this, you need professional help.
I want to explain how the exit point of merger, when interests begin to vary and clearly, both partners are seeking more freedom, the relationship begins to deteriorate. It is on the stage of differentiation, we can begin to poison them, do not notice it.
As we poison the relationship
Many people unconsciously dream about their partners was how they thought, how they did, as they are, and then we will endlessly experience that sweet feeling of "I'm not one!". On the other hand, they also unconsciously wish the partner was different from them and different so it's nice to wonder, to admire and to rejoice.
Usually "step merger" and do not leave it is the aim of those who grew up in the "confluent" families where cultivated affinity, and it was dangerous to have the autonomy and differences. If someone is different and has different needs, it is necessary all forces to pull back.
As soon as I notice that the other thinks and does like me and wants something completely different — I may unconsciously apply different manipulation to bypassing his Agency to make him be like me and do what I like.
How does it look?
1. I'm starting to criticize partner. "Why do you need it?", "You look stupid, so if you want to do." I use questions or interpretations that will carry the nature of the assessment or depreciation of the thoughts-feelings-actions, as well as doubts about their feasibility.
2. I'm starting to show partner his offense. I'm leaving the contact fall silent, cease speaking and be around. A mute reproach. I give my partner a message: if you want me back in contact, do what I want and be like I want.
3. I'm angry with a partner, or mad. I start to blame the partner that he spoiled my mood and generally strongly influenced by the fact that I became ill. Partner a priori guilty and obliged to do everything that my condition has changed — so, to do what I want.
4. I threaten the partner. "If it happens tomorrow I don't keep the house". "I'm not giving you money." "I will take from you the gift (I will not take of the child, not a PTA meeting, etc.)".
5. I play their dissatisfaction, correctly speaking about the partner in front of others, harming his reputation, telling a personal, intimate information that is known to me. "Yes, he's my socks every day scatters around the room!", "yesterday I got drunk and threw up all night," "he said that my best friend (mother, sister, boss) is stupid".
What causes us to poison relationships
Projection. Our partners may remind us in the manifestations of other people — parents, relatives, which can be (or was) not very bright relationship. When we realize this substitution, we unconsciously react to some "familiar" symptoms — certain feelings — anger, resentment, and kind of want to partner ceased to cause these feelings. The easiest way to change it, using manipulation.
We can also project partner in something that don't allow themselves. Partner is angry, he doesn't want to go to the movies. If I made myself angry and not wanting something does not allow it (and it — contagion — allows!), I will be very difficult to agree with him — "Yes, okay, you don't want, I'll understand."
Jealousy towards the partner. He had something better, he's more talented and intelligent. And I had "to stand at the stove and serve him." I don't allow myself (I'm scared or ashamed) to realize their talents and abilities, and he allows he's got it! Envy I can unconsciously "put a spoke in the wheel". For example, devaluing his achievements, or do they not react to (they are not), reproaching him for what he is — there, and I'm here ("even if your sneakers out of the way!"). I Express my doubts that his new idea will be a success ("Yes this do, wild competition, why do you need it? Burned!").
The desire for revenge. For example, there were many cases in relationships where I have not forgiven your partner. He was doing something that I was offended, I said nothing, might not be aware of their own prejudice, and resentment was deep and layered, and every now and then — involuntarily "spills". Of course, I can understand his desire to take revenge on the partner. Maybe small things, maybe big. I often "forget" to cook, squander money in the casino or shops, you come at the wrong time agreed, seducing other women/men. You can find a lot of options of revenge.
I can say for sure: if you do all of the above, with time the relationship will become unbearable and will need or stop them, or continue to suffer. Psychologically moving away and moving away.
That allows you to return the closeness and warmth
1. Confidential conversation with a discussion of the items listed above. To enter into a contract that both partners try not, under any circumstances, to use "illegal methods".
2. Partners are also striving to monitor yourself in situations when you unconsciously begin to work a program of "poisoning".
3. If partners are hard to notice your unconscious processes — their responsibility is to take the advice of a psychologist and undergo psychotherapy to enhance their awareness and ability to take responsibility for their contribution to the relationship.
4. The primary language of a healthy relationship is the language of direct requests. I'm asking you about that and about that. "Stay with me these 15 minutes, please hear my story", "help me with this", "hold me". Request — is a reference to another person with some range. The main feature of requests is that who asks is ready to accept and consent and refusal. If the refusal is not taken internally — this is not a request.
PSYCHOSOMATICS — the-Shoulder: a contradiction between what we NEED and what we really WANT
The power of thought attracts in life WHAT we think
5. The basic principle of any horizontal relationships (i.e., not parent-child) is the principle "I am responsible for the satisfaction of their needs. Partner next to me because I like him better than without it." The principles of the type "my partner responsible for my happiness" in this category are not included.
6. Sincere concern for the partner. I'm doing something nice because I want to and I have energy to spare for it. I don't expect every time from him any particular gratitude or some specific deed in return. I know how to give.
And in the end.
Not all relationships can be saved. This does not mean that everything is hopeless. Just not every relationship can be saved.published
Author: Elena Mitina
Source: elenamitina.com.ua/publications/ubivaya-otnosheniya-kak-nezametno-otravit-blizost.html