If you chase someone else's approval, life becomes a continuous Procrustean bed where people in fear do not justify its image of the stress is bent in the appropriate approved position and continues to choose any available life scenario where it somehow in this curved position taking.
And this existence universally taken for granted and proper. And it hurts so terribly to live and a life to lose...
And there are people with twisted mentality in their Sheshenin a hundred times tracks, and I think that the us infinity – it is a dismal swamp. Meanwhile, if you are not afraid of criticism and failure, it becomes clear that life is full of doors with a variety of scenarios.
Somewhere we will try to bend even more in favor of local regulations and whims. Somewhere will not like us. And somewhere in our persona, with its unique qualities, can fit not successful. But to this door pass, you will need the courage to be yourself.
The article was a bit chaotic. I focus here on relationships, but, in General, the described mechanism can be followed in any activity.
Love and approval
So it turns out that we ourselves do not really know and in their reality are not sure, and therefore draw a self-esteem based on other people's opinions. If someone did not like the self-esteem drops. If the work and deeds do not respect the employer or unhappy customers – self-assessment again varies. Can drop his hands and come a bad feeling that nothing good you do not deserve. But if this negative evaluation comes from important and loved ones, the fluctuations can be wild in the extreme – from hysterical joy to a depressive melancholy. And where is the truth?
While holding the conviction that happiness is the consequence of universal love and approval, life can not be happy. This is even logically, because to please and to please everyone is impossible. Such a life is one continuous duality of triumph and hatred, filled cautious neurotic, obsequious behavior.
Impossible, and not necessary to please everyone. As the actors have a narrow circle of fans and admirers, and a single person can be like – its narrow audience. But straining in an attempt to appeal to those who our person is not to their liking, often simply unproductive.
Ordinary unremarkable person with common interests will find plenty to do in the middle of the same usual inconspicuous majority. And what original interests and views on life, the less understanding from others, but so it is more valuable. Communication between like-minded people with unique interests can be deeper and stronger. This rule works in friendship and in relationships.
But a man in search of a relationship after the first bad date ready on a cross to deliver. It is as if he himself does not know and defines his place in life solely on the opinions of others about this place. In this scenario, the first failure in love and respect from "significant others" is perceived as a complete life collapse – the failure in the exam of fate, after which on the forehead there is a raised stamp defective personality.
This mechanism works as in the informal relations in a professional environment. Everywhere we are afraid to screw up, every step I want to make perfect, though somewhere in the back for our little person brewing the heavenly Commission, the distribution of creatures in his celestial hierarchy – from losers to successful.
Do not put in any crosses. If our person who does not like something, there's no great problem. People have the right to think what they want. Sometimes it is necessary to go through a dozen unsuccessful Dating and commit hundreds of mistakes in order to find something really valuable.
And each "unfortunate discovery" – whether it's Dating or work, is not some kind of mistake and not a symbol of inferiority. It's just a little adventure and a valuable experience. And no real stamps personal misfortune such events can not deliver.
Here we should make one stipulation. If the relationship is stable is not glued, of course, it is useful to analyze the reasons. Very often personal rudeness, immaturity, unreasonable requests and expectations can actually be the cause of the failure. And in this regard it is useful either to talk with a psychologist, or somehow independently come to an understanding of his own delusions.
But if you're at the stage of Dating and no requirement to show do not have time, here most of all experiences about their own qualities, correct or incorrect actions is a waste of energy.Dislike and rejection
Ideally, all potentially long-term informal relationships from the first meeting makes sense to make contact without any labored attempts to put himself in the best light. Own natural behavior is a perfect filter for a real relationship. Birds of a feather sees from afar.
And if the partner did not initially accept you as is and wants you for him improved is such a "mystical" sign that the person is simply not yours, and, as if you wanted to build relationships will be problematic.
Similarly, in your case is to force the brain partner, expecting him any personal fabulous or types of "real" transformations, he began to arrange is capricious egoistic illusion, which is what Putnam does not.
Such are the requests of partners to one another is, in General, pathological norm of our society. That is, nearly everyone hopes that the partner will somehow rise above itself and to improve in favor of our whims. That is why so many divorces. The stronger the expectation and hope that the partner will become better, the faster the relationship will come to ruin.
Very much we like to hope for the best, that all somehow itself will develop. Neurotic grasping for a partner that somehow match the perfect fantasies during love closing our eyes to differences, Yes, in General, do not even try to learn and understand the person next to us – his real views on life and possible future together. And then, suddenly, it turns out that the man is actually an alien, and already good joint.
Relationship neurotic satisfy the most significant need, therefore, for them to hold on tight. If a partner has those needs to satisfy stopped, it rained resentment – he suddenly becomes guilty of all the misfortunes just because his behavior went beyond our requirements.
And I think everyone would have adjusted and became great, if only people realized that we should not behave a little differently. And can even be surprising, as the partner himself does not see and does not understand such simple things?! If so, our person knows the truth, and only this knowledge as a partner in mind to implement. But this "truth" is nothing but a baseless, infantile demands destiny.
The partner in the head their own "truth", and he just may not be clear, why are we so stubbornly insist on some of their "stupid" requirements. He is similarly hard to bend against their "truths" in favor of our – from his point of view stupid claims. On progressman.ru this topic has been raised in the article about a serious relationship.
When the relationship is filled with demands and claims, then the buzz from them is punctuated by the opposite party – resentment, irritation, jealousy, anxiety. Meeting the expectations of joy, any deviation from them is a pain.
And started this whole "incarna" drama at the very moment when he became scared for their place in this life when there were doubts – and do our person in this reality, something good... a Big part of all our requirements destiny is an implicit attempt to prove their own value in the hierarchy of existence.
As long as personal happiness is based on others ' approval, denial of love and the subsequent loneliness cause terrible experience of their own inferiority. And this fear motivates grab a stranglehold even in obviously hopeless relationship, so as not to miss though is available, that is.
This neurotic grip, like blinkers, closes a review of the possibilities of life. She deprives of freedom, and draws the potentially harmonious relationship in the next pantomime, where the joy of owning punctuated with a grimace of harassment and the fear of loneliness.
Man relationships are much more important than the woman...Loneliness teaches a lot...
Returning to normal, I repeat: life is full of possibilities. Yeah, the us will try to bend and harnessed in harness other people's whims – you don't have to take this attitude at face value. Somewhere we are simply bored. But the choice is never shrinking. All restrictions caused by the fear to fail and to feel their weakness before the face of unpredictable reality. But something different, something valuable, is only one who is not afraid to open the doors of the unknown.published
© Igor Satorin