Now suddenly emerged theme of tenderness – it is very rare, in my personal experience, arises when men talk about women. And in General, it is a word seldom in psychological space... And this despite the fact that this is one of the most complete and vivid experiences that people can experience each other (not only men and women, but also friends, parents and children...). Tenderness is the threshold of love, and at the same time, it is very important component.
Trying words to define what tenderness, I was faced with a quandary – definition of persistently escaped, I did not want to be clothed in the words and phrasing, all the while turning into emotional experience and feelings...
Waving his hand at the words, remember-are immersed in this state... Tenderness is the desire to embrace the ability to feel the breath and heartbeat of the one with which you are.
Look into the eyes directly, and not burdened by this long eye contact. It's a warm, velvety feeling of quiet joy that floods the chest, almost squashing the breath and makes breathing deeper. This openness in the tenderness of the man is lit from within, it is the usual defensive-wary tension in the body.
Hence the sensitivity to the slightest movement of the body, a gentle caress, the thrill. Tenderness is the sensation of fragility of the other, the desire to dispense with it as thoroughly as possible. Gently hold something so gently. Gentle words – words about the value of the other for me.
It seems that there is a clarity in the mind, caught... Tenderness in the first place — the experience of the fragility and vulnerability of the other and respect for him. So tenderness is not an experience of high energy, it is harmonious and quiet, slowing down all other passions. Experience tenderness requires softness, but is not synonymous with weakness.
And here is the stumbling block for many men. Tenderness is rejected by them, because it is impossible without vulnerability and the rejection of role-playing game in which the man has a stone wall, the strong pillar who don't care about these "calf tenderness". Tenderness, in which they try to preserve themselves as "solid" turns into a patronizing attitude
– that in which men, as a rule, the tenderness to the woman and transformyour. But in the tenderness it's impossible to be solid support, support, tenderness – is a soft pillow under the head, not hard on the flooring.
Place negated and superseded tenderness to the woman fills sexual arousal, lust as the only strong experience directed at the woman. However, if in the tenderness of the other person is experienced as a meaningful entity, then the excitation is objectification, the transformation of another important object, a thing. Sparking a passion for the unfamiliar woman objectifies her, she wants to master, and it is, in essence, in the consciousness of "thirsty" is a little different from things.Many men have tenderness and lust fracture and one woman feel the tenderness, and the other is a strong and aggressive desire
, which does not care for the feelings and experiences of the object of that desire. Mature, formed an erotic sense combines tenderness and passion in a single stream, from which blows the roof.
Split this thread in one of the last of its manifestations leads to a "complex Madonna-whore", when some women "for love" or "sex". Coupling of excitation and tenderness causes excitement to tenderness becomes active, and from tenderness to excitement – concern about partner, that creates love.
Tenderness for the woman to give her the freedom to develop and Express, begins to be accompanied by erotic feelings, which, if again not braking, can flow in the excitation (associated with the experience of intimacy and proximity), and this stimulation is based on more solid ground than lust for the woman who does not feel tenderness.
"I like to communicate with her, but I have almost no sexual desires..." — "what is desire then?" — "I want to gently hug her"... — "And you feel that when you want to hug her?" — "What a feeling is very warm. She's so delicate and warm... And strangely when I think about it, I have a desire..."...
If the tenderness is something unworthy of a real man, then as a reaction to this feeling is shame. Tenderness with attachment and if the attachment is scary and is associated with loss of freedom, a reaction to the feeling of tenderness may be a vague anxiety, Dating back to fear.
In both cases the tenderness can be "protected" with a depreciation, or that feeling, or partner... there is a depletion of emotional contact with a woman, and I once heard from one man's sad confession: "I don't know what to do with a woman besides sex..."
As if with a woman is impossible to speak about topics of concern to you, you can't be relaxed with her, do not ask for support in difficult minute, to help her yourself (and feel strong and fit)... the Woman is the object which, moreover, might interfere with their feelings – they need to react... (however, about attachment is a separate big subject).Tenderness allows you to go beyond your limits, being one of experiences aimed at overcoming the primordial, existential loneliness of people.
This is its great power, and as the b-side weakness.
When tenderness is too much, the other person again becomes an object, which is poured such a quantity of warm feelings that I want to step back, defend, and irritation, turning into anger that no longer see them.
This is the prelude to a full merger, turning tenderness into something else when the other person doesn't matter, all that matters is your own desire to Express and to Express accumulated feelings, ignoring his response.
One man's childhood simply raped this "other soft", demanding that he kiss her, which was missing in the arms of his nephew and long time it was not allowed, ignoring his desire to move away...
Soft without the merger is a mutual experience in which I feel my partner and respond to his movements, even if this movement is the suspension.
Where there is a merger, tender transformirovalsya in other experiences.
For example, in emotion, for which in General no matter the reaction of the one to whom it is directed affection: from grab-Sy baby that it already got up to the frightened animal passed from hand to hand with "minimizeframe" experiences. "Once I like it and I feel such good feelings, and you, the object of my feelings, should rejoice and to feel something similar." Still it can be "like parental care and affection, which is also fine at a certain age, but in adult relations is probably disgust and aggression" (R. Gomulicki)
Another story is the tenderness of men towards each other. She painted sexy but inhibited significantly more than the tenderness of a woman. All these rude arms, the tremors in the shoulder, a handshake with the preliminary arm swing, the constant "jokes" each other – they can mask the very tenderness that cannot be expressed directly...
But it is difficult not only because it is associated with femininity or homosexuality, but also because very little experience tenderness on the part of their fathers. Mom's can love and caress their beloved boys, and fathers often keep their emotions in relation to the sons, that is not "grown soft". What these "calf tenderness"... And it turns out to Express your feelings only through awkward hugs or comments-praise — if not impossible. Daughters turns easier.
It will be interesting:We have learned to endure that have forgotten how to liveLove is possible only when you are not afraid to lose my partner And the need to be tender and soft – it stays. "Unspent tenderness" is nothing like the need for love.
That I was of value to the other, and to be treated as a value, and then – gently, tenderly, gently. And that to me was the people, whose existence is experienced as important and valuable for me, it's such a pleasure gentle care that valuable for me, and see how the other person responds to my concern... In the end, we do not not so invulnerable, and "shockproof" as it seems from the outside.published
Author: Ilya Latypov