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Eckhart Tolle: Why you should not become attached to another person
According to statistics, most of the “love relationship” quickly turns into the relationship of the “love-hate”. Then love can change the mask and you turn to brutal attack, feeling of hostility to you or sudden and total failure of love to you.
And this is considered normal. Then for several months or several years, Your relationship would swing between love and hatred, and it is not clear what more it will bring you pleasure or pain. There is nothing unusual in the fact that couples are bound to these cycles as a bad habit.
Their drama makes them feel alive. When the balance between positive and negative polarities is lost and when the frequency and intensity of negative and destructive cycles increases, which tends sooner or later to happen, then the final rupture of relations is not far off.
It may seem that if you could eliminate the negative destructive cycles, then all would go well and the relationship was adjusted to – but alas, it's impossible. Polarities are interdependent. One without the other does not happen. Positive already contains within itself negative in its unmanifest form. Both, in essence, is the different aspects of the same disorder.
I'm talking here about what is commonly called romantic relationships, and not about the true love that has no opposites as it rises from beyond the mind. Love how long the condition is found more rarely – as rarely as conscious people. However, short-term and subtle flash of love possible, and where the continued work of the mind happen breaks.
Of course, compared to the positive, the negative side of the relationship is easier to be detected as interfering. Just as it is much easier to see the source of the negative in Your partner than in yourself. This can manifest itself in various forms: the desire to possess, in the emergence of feelings of jealousy, need to control, away from partner and in unspoken irritation, need to be right, of inattention to the partner and withdrawal, emotional demands and manipulation, to provoke disputes, in criticism, in condemnation, in anger or aggression, unconscious revenge for past pain inflicted on you, even parents, rage and physical violence towards you.
On the positive side you are in a state of “love” to your partner. First of all, it is deeply beneficial condition. You feel alive to the fullest. Your existence suddenly becomes relevant, because someone needs you, wants you and makes you feel special, and you in turn do the same for him or her. When You are together, you feel one. This feeling can become so strong that in comparison, the rest of the world just pales into its insignificance.
However, you may have noticed that in this case you have a need for this saturation of the senses and the desire to cling to it. You find yourself dependent on another person. He or she is acting on you like a drug. When a drug is — you're on top, but even the probability, or the idea that he or she may not be with you, able to arouse feelings of jealousy, desire to possess, attempt to manipulate using emotional blackmail can lead to recriminations and accusations, that is, the fear of loss.
If the other person suddenly leaves you, it may awaken in you the sharpest feeling of hostility, or grief and despair. Love the tenderness in the blink of an eye can result in severe attacks or uncontrolled grief. Where is the love? Can love instantly become its opposite? Standing there in the first place love or was it just a bad habit to catch and keep?
Why we shouldn't get attached to another person?
The reason why the romantic love relationship are so strong, so rich and always in demand, is that they are carrying an exemption from deeply hidden in man feelings of fear, need, insufficiency, and unworthiness that are part of the human condition in its unenlightened and unfulfilled. In addition, there are physical and psychological aspects of this condition.
On the physical plane You are obviously a piecemeal, and never will be holistic: because You are either a man or a woman, but that being said, half of the whole. On this plan, the pursuit of integrity, that is, the return to oneness manifests as sexual desire – a man needs a woman, woman — man. It is almost irresistible desire to reconnect with the opposite energy polarity. The root of this physical attraction — spiritual: a strong desire to overcome duality and to return to a state of integrity.
In psychological terms, feelings of inadequacy and inferiority appear to be even so much more than physical. Because you identify yourself with the mind, feeling myself get outside. In fact, a sense of who you are, you get from the fact that, ultimately, has nothing to do with you: that is, from its social role, acquired property, external appearance, successes and failures, belief systems, etc.
It's about “I” or ego, created by the mind, feels vulnerable, in danger, and always on the prowl, in search of something new, the identification would allow him to feel that it exists. But in order to ensure his continued existence, always something is missing and nothing is never enough. Therefore, his fear never disappears; his sense of failure and need always remains.
And now there are these special relations. It seems like they bring the solution to all problems ego and meet all his needs. At least so it seems at first. Everything from what you had previously learned his sense of self, now becomes relatively unimportant. Now you have a single focus, which replaces all the others, gives meaning to your life, and through which you find your identity: the person you're “in love”. Now you are no longer a separate fragment in an indifferent universe, or that at least so you think.
Now your world has a center: the only beloved. And the fact that the center is outside, and that's the reason you got the sense of self continues to come from outside, at first not even seem relevant. The important thing is that underneath all these feelings of inferiority, fear, failure and lack of implementation, so typical of the selfish state, there is no more – or they have? What! have they disappeared or still exist under the plane happy reality?
If you're worried about their relationship and “love” and its opposite, that is, attacks, emotional abuse, etc., then it seems that you are mistaken for love, attachment, ego and your physical dependence. You can't love your partner, and in the next moment to attack him or her.
True love has no opposites. If your “love” has an opposite, then it is not love but a strong ego need in a more complete and deeper sense of self, it is your need that the other person just constantly satisfying. This ego substitute for the release, and within a very short time it really is viewed as liberation.
But there comes a time when your partner starts to behave so that it does not meet your needs or rather the needs of your ego. Feelings of pain, fear and emptiness, which is inherent in the egoistic consciousness, but until recently covered “sex”, again swim to the surface. Just as with drug addiction, while there's a drug you upstairs, but inevitably there comes a time when the drug stops you to act.
And when painful feelings come back, you start to experience them sharper still, and even more than that, you will now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. This means that you project them outward and attack it with all the cruelty that has become a part of your pain.
This attack may awaken the pain of your partner and he or she can give you change. At this point, the ego is still unconsciously hoping that its attack or its attempts at manipulation will be sufficient punishment for your partners to encourage them to ismenio their behavior so that it could again use them as a cover for their pain.
Any attachment stems from a subconscious refusal to meet openly with his own pain and go through it. Any affection with pain begins and pain ends. What would you experienced any attachment to alcohol, food, permitted or prohibited drugs, or to the person you use that something and that someone in order to cover up their pain.
That's why after the initial euphoria of intimate relations, they appear so much misery and so much pain. By themselves, these relationships do not cause pain and unhappiness. They pull out the hurt and unhappiness that is already in you. Similarly acting any other attachment. Any attachment will inevitably come to the point where she pretty much has no effect on you, and then you feel my pain much sharper than ever before.
This is one of the reasons why most people avoid the present moment and are trying to find at least some salvation in the future. The first thing they would face, they focus their attention on the present moment, would be their own pain, and this is exactly what they fear most. If they only knew how easy, staying in the Now moment, to gain access to the power of presence that dissolves the past with all its pain and to the reality that will dispel the illusion. If they only knew how close they are to their own reality, as they are close to God.
Avoiding relationships to avoid pain — not a solution. The pain is there anyway. Three failures in vzaimootnosheniyah for the same number of years are more likely to push you to awakening than three years on a desert island or three years spent locked up. However, if you manage to make a full-bodied presence in my loneliness, then for you it will begin to work. published
© Eckhart Tolle "Power of Now" P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Source: /users/15106
And this is considered normal. Then for several months or several years, Your relationship would swing between love and hatred, and it is not clear what more it will bring you pleasure or pain. There is nothing unusual in the fact that couples are bound to these cycles as a bad habit.
Their drama makes them feel alive. When the balance between positive and negative polarities is lost and when the frequency and intensity of negative and destructive cycles increases, which tends sooner or later to happen, then the final rupture of relations is not far off.
It may seem that if you could eliminate the negative destructive cycles, then all would go well and the relationship was adjusted to – but alas, it's impossible. Polarities are interdependent. One without the other does not happen. Positive already contains within itself negative in its unmanifest form. Both, in essence, is the different aspects of the same disorder.
I'm talking here about what is commonly called romantic relationships, and not about the true love that has no opposites as it rises from beyond the mind. Love how long the condition is found more rarely – as rarely as conscious people. However, short-term and subtle flash of love possible, and where the continued work of the mind happen breaks.
Of course, compared to the positive, the negative side of the relationship is easier to be detected as interfering. Just as it is much easier to see the source of the negative in Your partner than in yourself. This can manifest itself in various forms: the desire to possess, in the emergence of feelings of jealousy, need to control, away from partner and in unspoken irritation, need to be right, of inattention to the partner and withdrawal, emotional demands and manipulation, to provoke disputes, in criticism, in condemnation, in anger or aggression, unconscious revenge for past pain inflicted on you, even parents, rage and physical violence towards you.
On the positive side you are in a state of “love” to your partner. First of all, it is deeply beneficial condition. You feel alive to the fullest. Your existence suddenly becomes relevant, because someone needs you, wants you and makes you feel special, and you in turn do the same for him or her. When You are together, you feel one. This feeling can become so strong that in comparison, the rest of the world just pales into its insignificance.
However, you may have noticed that in this case you have a need for this saturation of the senses and the desire to cling to it. You find yourself dependent on another person. He or she is acting on you like a drug. When a drug is — you're on top, but even the probability, or the idea that he or she may not be with you, able to arouse feelings of jealousy, desire to possess, attempt to manipulate using emotional blackmail can lead to recriminations and accusations, that is, the fear of loss.
If the other person suddenly leaves you, it may awaken in you the sharpest feeling of hostility, or grief and despair. Love the tenderness in the blink of an eye can result in severe attacks or uncontrolled grief. Where is the love? Can love instantly become its opposite? Standing there in the first place love or was it just a bad habit to catch and keep?
Why we shouldn't get attached to another person?
The reason why the romantic love relationship are so strong, so rich and always in demand, is that they are carrying an exemption from deeply hidden in man feelings of fear, need, insufficiency, and unworthiness that are part of the human condition in its unenlightened and unfulfilled. In addition, there are physical and psychological aspects of this condition.
On the physical plane You are obviously a piecemeal, and never will be holistic: because You are either a man or a woman, but that being said, half of the whole. On this plan, the pursuit of integrity, that is, the return to oneness manifests as sexual desire – a man needs a woman, woman — man. It is almost irresistible desire to reconnect with the opposite energy polarity. The root of this physical attraction — spiritual: a strong desire to overcome duality and to return to a state of integrity.
In psychological terms, feelings of inadequacy and inferiority appear to be even so much more than physical. Because you identify yourself with the mind, feeling myself get outside. In fact, a sense of who you are, you get from the fact that, ultimately, has nothing to do with you: that is, from its social role, acquired property, external appearance, successes and failures, belief systems, etc.
It's about “I” or ego, created by the mind, feels vulnerable, in danger, and always on the prowl, in search of something new, the identification would allow him to feel that it exists. But in order to ensure his continued existence, always something is missing and nothing is never enough. Therefore, his fear never disappears; his sense of failure and need always remains.
And now there are these special relations. It seems like they bring the solution to all problems ego and meet all his needs. At least so it seems at first. Everything from what you had previously learned his sense of self, now becomes relatively unimportant. Now you have a single focus, which replaces all the others, gives meaning to your life, and through which you find your identity: the person you're “in love”. Now you are no longer a separate fragment in an indifferent universe, or that at least so you think.
Now your world has a center: the only beloved. And the fact that the center is outside, and that's the reason you got the sense of self continues to come from outside, at first not even seem relevant. The important thing is that underneath all these feelings of inferiority, fear, failure and lack of implementation, so typical of the selfish state, there is no more – or they have? What! have they disappeared or still exist under the plane happy reality?
If you're worried about their relationship and “love” and its opposite, that is, attacks, emotional abuse, etc., then it seems that you are mistaken for love, attachment, ego and your physical dependence. You can't love your partner, and in the next moment to attack him or her.
True love has no opposites. If your “love” has an opposite, then it is not love but a strong ego need in a more complete and deeper sense of self, it is your need that the other person just constantly satisfying. This ego substitute for the release, and within a very short time it really is viewed as liberation.
But there comes a time when your partner starts to behave so that it does not meet your needs or rather the needs of your ego. Feelings of pain, fear and emptiness, which is inherent in the egoistic consciousness, but until recently covered “sex”, again swim to the surface. Just as with drug addiction, while there's a drug you upstairs, but inevitably there comes a time when the drug stops you to act.
And when painful feelings come back, you start to experience them sharper still, and even more than that, you will now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. This means that you project them outward and attack it with all the cruelty that has become a part of your pain.
This attack may awaken the pain of your partner and he or she can give you change. At this point, the ego is still unconsciously hoping that its attack or its attempts at manipulation will be sufficient punishment for your partners to encourage them to ismenio their behavior so that it could again use them as a cover for their pain.
Any attachment stems from a subconscious refusal to meet openly with his own pain and go through it. Any affection with pain begins and pain ends. What would you experienced any attachment to alcohol, food, permitted or prohibited drugs, or to the person you use that something and that someone in order to cover up their pain.
That's why after the initial euphoria of intimate relations, they appear so much misery and so much pain. By themselves, these relationships do not cause pain and unhappiness. They pull out the hurt and unhappiness that is already in you. Similarly acting any other attachment. Any attachment will inevitably come to the point where she pretty much has no effect on you, and then you feel my pain much sharper than ever before.
This is one of the reasons why most people avoid the present moment and are trying to find at least some salvation in the future. The first thing they would face, they focus their attention on the present moment, would be their own pain, and this is exactly what they fear most. If they only knew how easy, staying in the Now moment, to gain access to the power of presence that dissolves the past with all its pain and to the reality that will dispel the illusion. If they only knew how close they are to their own reality, as they are close to God.
Avoiding relationships to avoid pain — not a solution. The pain is there anyway. Three failures in vzaimootnosheniyah for the same number of years are more likely to push you to awakening than three years on a desert island or three years spent locked up. However, if you manage to make a full-bodied presence in my loneliness, then for you it will begin to work. published
© Eckhart Tolle "Power of Now" P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Source: /users/15106
