Inner loneliness Bashny.Net

Fear of rejection is an expectation that will not be accepted and rejected. From this — anxiety, irritation... and the rejection of others. As a result, a sense of deep inner loneliness. Where does the fear of rejection the First rejection we know, of course, in childhood. Indeed, initially the child is born open to the world. Only then it can be fenced off in order to protect themselves from stresses resulting from the not entirely pleasant contact with others. Rejection can be direct or indirect.

For example, the older sister of my girlfriend — as a teenager - openly expressed their unwillingness to communicate with her (she is 8 years younger): "do Not bother, leave!". She was interested in peers, the "party". And the younger working parents (as is usually the case) left at his sister.



When a hiddenrejection of the child can smile, friendly attitude, but, for example, do not pay attention, to translate the conversation to another topic, ignore his wishes, sayings. "Don't meddle in adult conversations!" — we often hear. Like as for the purpose of education is to teach the child to respect their elders — we thereby generated a sense of humiliation, resentment, loneliness, low self-esteem.

Growing up, children who were systematically rejected, become anxious adults. They perceive life situations through the prism of "me rejected". For example, a person late for appointments or not answering the phone. Those who fear rejection will fantasize that people don't want to communicate with him.

This will either be upset, angry or Vice versa — to move away from feelings.

Often people don't realize that initially feel the frustration and anger and possible rejection. Often sarcastic, sarcastic people — those who live constantly in fear of being rejected. Anger also goes through caustic remarks. Fear of rejection often stymies many impulses. For example, the guy hesitates to approach a girl because of the fantasy that she will see this as an ulterior motive. And as a result will reject it. Although in reality the girl might have been very glad of such an approximation and kept contact with the young man. Out, people are unconsciously waiting for rejection, are driving themselves into the same trap — block the satisfaction of their own needs.

And you, dear readers, did a fantasy about fear of rejection? In what moments? What is it fantasized?

Work with fear of rejection Let's practice. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into three columns. In the first write the situation. For example, "the husband is late home." In the second (next) — describe your most vivid imagination, associated with this — for example, "does not want to come to me, loves me not." In the third column describe the feeling you feel, subconsciously living the fantasy. It would be good therefore to write down five to ten situations in a row.

When the columns are filled in, re-read everything you wrote. Try to evaluate all the situations, fantasies, and feelings on a scale.

Evaluate the strength, intensity, severity, and significance of the events, experiences, fantasies for you. Next to each entry in each column, put down your rating.

You can now track the way you react to different situations, what they feel, how seriously, how often expect rejection, etc. for Example, the situation satisfactory, and imagination and feelings about her on "eight". Conclusion: are worried much in General insignificant events. What trends have you followed? Learned something new about yourself? Record the findings on paper.

Waiting for love

In fact, the person who expects rejection, and needs very much in love. Just to set the record straight about your needs, ask for attention, affection, tenderness in his address he was afraid. After all, if he got rejected in such a defenceless state (openly asking about the most important) — it will be very painful and unbearable for him.

Often out of fear of rejection, people are using indirect, manipulative methods of gaining love, attention, care and affection from others.

Here are some of them:

"Bribery"

In a situation of bribery of the person uses of such manipulation: "I love you more than anything, so you have to give up everything for my love". Often hear the phrase "I love you so much and you...", "Do it for my love!". Often manipulate women. So they are making his — attention — but only with the difference that the other person can give it out of obligation and not out of love. Of course, it will accumulate irritation, which over time can escalate into conflict.

"Appeal to pity" People will put their suffering and helplessness on display to others. The message here is: "You must love me, because I suffer a lot and quite helpless." However, such weaknesses as if he justifies his often unreasonable demands.

Often hear: "I'm so tired at work, constantly sick, and you don't even call!". Or: "How can you say a sick person!". In this case, people are likely to be only formally comply with the requirements and to pay close attention. And inside feel cheated and angry.

"A call for justice" I raised you, fed you, and that you gave me?.. Often this is of the phrase parents, "educated" by the Soviet Union. These people are trying to love, calling them to duty. Often they try to do as much for others — hoping that in return will get everything they want. They are very disappointed, learning that those for whom they are tried, don't want to do something in response.

Appeals to fairness can be implied. For example, after her husband left her for another woman suddenly falls ill. Her illness — in most cases — a means of unspoken reproach, which, as a rule, gives ex-husband's guilt and forces you to pay her attention.

Of course, many people still benefit from the use of manipulation. And often this behavior is unconsciously. But they can hardly be called a happy people, because the love and attention they so desperately desire and seek actually come through deception.

How to start to live differently. The first step Without recognizing and admitting that you are afraid of rejection, of not being able to say directly about their needs for love, care, affection, attention, hardly it is possible to further work on yourself. Suggest to remember and write down situations when you have resorted to the methods described above. Perhaps they will be a continuation of the situations that you described in the first exercise.

Now imagine the relevant situation in which you would expect from someone of rejection. Try to realize your first fantasies about future developments. What will this person do? For example, you need to call is important to you, but a stranger. He will answer you in your wildest fantasies? The answers to these questions are very important. And most importantly — the most important "end", terrible results, which can lead to fantasy. Often a simple "hang up" can be "pofantaziruete" to "ignore and leave me to die." Such seemingly odd, but essential phrases reveal the hidden fear.





To separate fantasy and reality. Step two Think logically: probability that a stranger, hearing your voice, I'll hang up very low. And in your experience, this is unlikely to happen a lot. Place to one "cell" of the brain your imagination: "I think so", and in another reality: "it is unlikely that this will happen." Then you can gradually begin to control the situation.

In some cases, people just remember where they come from such thoughts. For example, I have this strange picture — mom goes from the crib with the baby. Or closes in the room of a crying child (you). Such images can be quite different. But they are very important. After all, once in childhood you experienced the same rejection. Mom left, dad left, etc. For some time, but you saw it as "forever" as a threat to his life. And then, most likely, it really could threaten the life of a little child. Not now, but the response mechanism of the body — left.

The realization that fear of rejection formed in childhood and "stretches" so far — is also an important discovery. And that he has almost no connection to those people from whom you are waiting for rejection now. Often at this stage people realize the difference and begin to divide reality. In other words — to see what really is – objectively.

Exercise on the study on the quality of contacts with people

Sometimes the fear of rejection stems from the fact that in my childhood my parents gave enough positive emotional and bodily contact. For a child it is very important, and the lack of such communication is regarded by them as a rejection.

If the contacts are mostly negative — the child either withdraws into himself (which subsequently threatens the development of harmful addictions, weakness of will), or rises is the most aggressive and conflict responding to peace (and it is fraught with crime and lawlessness). The lack of positive contacts, ignoring the child is often withdrawn (already in adulthood) separated from the people, the fear of communication, physical contact, beschuvstvie or problems in the sexual sphere.

The following exercise will help you identify how you normally come into contact with people. As you had contact in childhood.

Remember how you spent the last forty-eight hours and met with someone. Analyze and rate your abilities to give and receive contacts.

Write down the answers.

With whom did you meet?

How did you meet?

Positively or negatively?

If you avoided contact with anyone? Why?

Would you contact anyone? Why?

Who exactly contacted you? How are they contacted? Positively or negatively?

Avoided if you someone's desire to contact with you? Why?

Whether you wanted to or contacted you yet?

Now imagine the scale of needs in contacts -

to the left of which is a complete avoidance of contacts

to the right of which is a complete continuous pursuit of contacts

Mentally mark where you place yourself on this scale now? And where would you like to be located? Using this same scale, rate the frequency of your contacts, their tension, sincerity. If you can establish a connection between the current style of your children's contacts and experience? If you can't remember how and where contact in childhood, the following exercises will help you.





Take a sheet of paper and colored pencils. Draw the outlines of your body front and back. Color in red those areas that other touch most often, pink — we touch less often, and green rare and blue — which is never touched. Those areas where contact is negative, shade on top of black lines. Examine your "portrait contacts." Try to re-experience old feelings. What are they and about what? Do you have barrier, which prevents to experience them?

Deep to realize where the origins of fear of rejection, to change its own perception and behaviors, perhaps realizing itself next to the other. This can maintain a competent psychologist. He will become a skillful guide through the fragile paths of the unconscious. And then, perhaps, you finally get, for example, without fear to say to his neighbor, "I need your love, I want you had cared for me (cared), is so important to me your attention!" and to get what you want in full. And if not to, not to take rejection or failure as "the end of the world", and, perhaps, easy to find in other place.published

 

Author: Elena Mitina

 

P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©

 

Source: elenamitina.com.ua/publications/strah-otverzheniya.html