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How to Keep a Relationship: 5 Trust Contracts from Stephen Karpman
Humanity is paradoxical. On the one hand, we strive for relationships for life, on the other hand, we desperately defend our freedom. We stubbornly believe that love between two people is eternal ecstasy, merging into a single whole and obediently fulfill the roles of “real men” and “real women” imposed on us by family and society with a whole set of rules and regulations that are not related to the real person and life in general.
Now imagine that the two decided to live together, having mutually exclusive desires in their heads and a whole set of illusory ideas about what a man and a woman should be in a relationship, who is leading and who is led and much more. And at the same time, we forget to take into account that our partner also has his own desires, dreams, feelings and that they must be satisfied not by washing so skating. Do you think this is a good foundation for building a lifelong relationship?
The question is rhetorical and the answer is obvious.
So what do we do?
Steven Karpman's Five Trust Contracts
Transactional analyst Dr. Stephen Karpman suggests that couples negotiate and set their own rules in the relationship, binding them to five contracts of trust. In them, he clarified the basic requirements, responsibilities of the parties and distributed the responsibility in the pair, thereby creating the basis for close trusting relationships without psychological games (manipulations).
Here they are:
1. Contract on the preservation of relations
By entering into a contract on the preservation of relations, the partners undertake to maintain the structures and standards of relations adopted in society. And no matter whether you were married in the Church, registered in the registry office or decided to live in a civil marriage, from the point of view of society you are a family and, one way or another, you will have to negotiate.
To keep your relationship strong and reliable, avoid the following mistakes:
- Give up work and hang on your partner. Many women fall into the trap of “a good wife sitting at home and taking care of the family.” There is nothing wrong with this, if you have agreed that a partner who does not earn money, but takes care of children, provides home comfort and coziness is an equal contribution to the well-being of the family.
However, in fact, it turns out that the person who earns money establishes his own rules, which are not subject to discussion, and caring for the family is equated with idleness (“Sitting at home and doing nothing”).
So it's better not to quit. Financial independence gives you more autonomy and confidence in the future.
To a lesser extent, this applies to men. Although, I think that men who “sit” at home, feel more pressure not only from their partners, but also from society.
There is another extreme when one partner serves another: earns money for him, provides him comfort and comfort, forgetting about himself and his needs. This is also a skew that sooner or later will destroy your relationship.
- Constantly threatening to end the relationship.It is a kind of blackmail by which a dependent partner (financially or emotionally) pressures his partner to get what he wants. This is a “game” way to manage your partner and take power into your own hands. For example, “Me or your job,” “Me or your friends,” “Me or your business trip without me,” or “I’ll leave if you don’t change,” “I’ll leave if you’re not who I want you to be,” and so on. There are many examples in each pair.
- Suddenly neglect integrity, order or hygiene.Treason, disregard for the feelings, opinions or vision of the other partner and his property, not to mention personal hygiene, is a gross violation of this contract.
- Reject previous commitments.For example, forget about a joint trip to the cinema, sitting in the office while the partner is waiting at the entrance of the cinema, refuse to do what he promised / promised earlier, when you are counted on or make joint decisions that take into account the interests of partners and so on.
In the absence of such a contract, a person can say: “I am free to make any decisions myself.”
2. Contract for protection
Unfortunately, partners do not often care about each other’s feelings, using the partner’s weaknesses for manipulation. For example, they cause jealousy in it or drive into paint with antics on the verge of a foul, promise to be for dinner, and they spend time with their friends playing poker or girlfriends in a cafe. But most often it is simply a refusal of the previously taken obligations to care for the feelings of the partner.
Taking into account the contract of protection, the partners agree to protect each other from unnecessary anxiety and pain in anticipation of stressful situations, providing support and information in advance. The partner relieves the other from painful jealousy, shame, excessive anger and uncertainty, remembering his weaknesses and holding back when necessary.
In the absence of such a contract, the person says, "You're going to have to deal with your own feelings."
3. Contract on Openness
Having concluded such a contract, the partners undertake to discuss the slightest disagreements, resentments, misunderstandings and preferably on the day they arise. Avoid using condescending tones, interrupting each other, withholding information, or intentionally misleading.
When signing this contract, follow the three rules of openness:
1. Bring it up.
2. Talk about it.
3. Close the subject.
If you suddenly decide to “swallow” resentment against your partner, then your negative feeling turns into a psychological “coupon” – another type of manipulation, when a person recalls old resentments in another scandal, gaining the upper hand over his partner to get benefits. For example, go for a walk with friends all night, buy yourself another shoe “can’t afford” or leave without warning, leaving the partner alone with guilt.
In the absence of such a contract, the person declares, “I don’t have to tell you anything.”
4. The pleasure contract
Taking into account such a contract, the partners agree to give each other pleasure.
When having sex, talk openly about your preferences and agree to do what your partner asks. Acting out “Don’t press me, I’m going to” or silence, during which you accumulate dissatisfaction with your partner’s “imprecision”, is fraught with the destruction of your sexual relationship.
In a joint pastime, agree to visit new places at the whim of a partner, even if you do not want to. For example, a married couple can not agree on how they will spend their vacation on the coast. One is interested in excursions, the other would like to spend time on the beach. The solution can be as follows: half of the holiday they explore the coast, and the second – spend on the beach. Both remain happy with their holidays.
In the absence of such a contract, the person broadcasts: "We can both have fun, each in its own way."
5. Flexibility contract
The partners agree on a spontaneous willingness to give in to emerging disputes, even if they are confident of their rightness, for the sake of preserving peace.
The opposite of flexibility is a rigid position: “I will not change my lifestyle for the sake of anyone,” ignoring the possibility of finding a solution that would suit each partner. For example, the wife loves diving, and the husband is afraid of scuba diving. Since the husband financially supports the family, he forbids his wife to spend money on dives, accusing her of wasting. However, he doesn't mind a boat ride.
A solution that could satisfy everyone is a joint trip on a yacht, and an hour-long parking in the bay, where the husband could enjoy the views or land on the beach to sunbathe on the beach or swim in shallow water, and the wife diving.
In the absence of such a contract, the person states, “We seem to see things differently.”
Also interesting: The art of sleeping under one blanket
Single married women
Trust contracts will help couples build close, lifelong relationships of trust, while taking into account the individuality and autonomy of each partner.
Contract relationships do not exclude conflicts, quarrels and other unpleasant moments, but they will not let you go off course and will keep your relationship even in the most difficult times. And when you do that, you will see that you are created for each other.
However, remember that everyone has the right to make mistakes, and if a relationship is important to two people, then forgiveness is another opportunity to love each other. published
Source: kseniyapanyukova.com/kak-postroit-blizkie-otnosheniya-dlinoyu-v-zhizn-5-kontraktov-na-doverie/
Now imagine that the two decided to live together, having mutually exclusive desires in their heads and a whole set of illusory ideas about what a man and a woman should be in a relationship, who is leading and who is led and much more. And at the same time, we forget to take into account that our partner also has his own desires, dreams, feelings and that they must be satisfied not by washing so skating. Do you think this is a good foundation for building a lifelong relationship?
The question is rhetorical and the answer is obvious.
So what do we do?
Steven Karpman's Five Trust Contracts
Transactional analyst Dr. Stephen Karpman suggests that couples negotiate and set their own rules in the relationship, binding them to five contracts of trust. In them, he clarified the basic requirements, responsibilities of the parties and distributed the responsibility in the pair, thereby creating the basis for close trusting relationships without psychological games (manipulations).
Here they are:
1. Contract on the preservation of relations
By entering into a contract on the preservation of relations, the partners undertake to maintain the structures and standards of relations adopted in society. And no matter whether you were married in the Church, registered in the registry office or decided to live in a civil marriage, from the point of view of society you are a family and, one way or another, you will have to negotiate.
To keep your relationship strong and reliable, avoid the following mistakes:
- Give up work and hang on your partner. Many women fall into the trap of “a good wife sitting at home and taking care of the family.” There is nothing wrong with this, if you have agreed that a partner who does not earn money, but takes care of children, provides home comfort and coziness is an equal contribution to the well-being of the family.
However, in fact, it turns out that the person who earns money establishes his own rules, which are not subject to discussion, and caring for the family is equated with idleness (“Sitting at home and doing nothing”).
So it's better not to quit. Financial independence gives you more autonomy and confidence in the future.
To a lesser extent, this applies to men. Although, I think that men who “sit” at home, feel more pressure not only from their partners, but also from society.
There is another extreme when one partner serves another: earns money for him, provides him comfort and comfort, forgetting about himself and his needs. This is also a skew that sooner or later will destroy your relationship.
- Constantly threatening to end the relationship.It is a kind of blackmail by which a dependent partner (financially or emotionally) pressures his partner to get what he wants. This is a “game” way to manage your partner and take power into your own hands. For example, “Me or your job,” “Me or your friends,” “Me or your business trip without me,” or “I’ll leave if you don’t change,” “I’ll leave if you’re not who I want you to be,” and so on. There are many examples in each pair.
- Suddenly neglect integrity, order or hygiene.Treason, disregard for the feelings, opinions or vision of the other partner and his property, not to mention personal hygiene, is a gross violation of this contract.
- Reject previous commitments.For example, forget about a joint trip to the cinema, sitting in the office while the partner is waiting at the entrance of the cinema, refuse to do what he promised / promised earlier, when you are counted on or make joint decisions that take into account the interests of partners and so on.
In the absence of such a contract, a person can say: “I am free to make any decisions myself.”
2. Contract for protection
Unfortunately, partners do not often care about each other’s feelings, using the partner’s weaknesses for manipulation. For example, they cause jealousy in it or drive into paint with antics on the verge of a foul, promise to be for dinner, and they spend time with their friends playing poker or girlfriends in a cafe. But most often it is simply a refusal of the previously taken obligations to care for the feelings of the partner.
Taking into account the contract of protection, the partners agree to protect each other from unnecessary anxiety and pain in anticipation of stressful situations, providing support and information in advance. The partner relieves the other from painful jealousy, shame, excessive anger and uncertainty, remembering his weaknesses and holding back when necessary.
In the absence of such a contract, the person says, "You're going to have to deal with your own feelings."
3. Contract on Openness
Having concluded such a contract, the partners undertake to discuss the slightest disagreements, resentments, misunderstandings and preferably on the day they arise. Avoid using condescending tones, interrupting each other, withholding information, or intentionally misleading.
When signing this contract, follow the three rules of openness:
1. Bring it up.
2. Talk about it.
3. Close the subject.
If you suddenly decide to “swallow” resentment against your partner, then your negative feeling turns into a psychological “coupon” – another type of manipulation, when a person recalls old resentments in another scandal, gaining the upper hand over his partner to get benefits. For example, go for a walk with friends all night, buy yourself another shoe “can’t afford” or leave without warning, leaving the partner alone with guilt.
In the absence of such a contract, the person declares, “I don’t have to tell you anything.”
4. The pleasure contract
Taking into account such a contract, the partners agree to give each other pleasure.
When having sex, talk openly about your preferences and agree to do what your partner asks. Acting out “Don’t press me, I’m going to” or silence, during which you accumulate dissatisfaction with your partner’s “imprecision”, is fraught with the destruction of your sexual relationship.
In a joint pastime, agree to visit new places at the whim of a partner, even if you do not want to. For example, a married couple can not agree on how they will spend their vacation on the coast. One is interested in excursions, the other would like to spend time on the beach. The solution can be as follows: half of the holiday they explore the coast, and the second – spend on the beach. Both remain happy with their holidays.
In the absence of such a contract, the person broadcasts: "We can both have fun, each in its own way."
5. Flexibility contract
The partners agree on a spontaneous willingness to give in to emerging disputes, even if they are confident of their rightness, for the sake of preserving peace.
The opposite of flexibility is a rigid position: “I will not change my lifestyle for the sake of anyone,” ignoring the possibility of finding a solution that would suit each partner. For example, the wife loves diving, and the husband is afraid of scuba diving. Since the husband financially supports the family, he forbids his wife to spend money on dives, accusing her of wasting. However, he doesn't mind a boat ride.
A solution that could satisfy everyone is a joint trip on a yacht, and an hour-long parking in the bay, where the husband could enjoy the views or land on the beach to sunbathe on the beach or swim in shallow water, and the wife diving.
In the absence of such a contract, the person states, “We seem to see things differently.”
Also interesting: The art of sleeping under one blanket
Single married women
Trust contracts will help couples build close, lifelong relationships of trust, while taking into account the individuality and autonomy of each partner.
Contract relationships do not exclude conflicts, quarrels and other unpleasant moments, but they will not let you go off course and will keep your relationship even in the most difficult times. And when you do that, you will see that you are created for each other.
However, remember that everyone has the right to make mistakes, and if a relationship is important to two people, then forgiveness is another opportunity to love each other. published
Source: kseniyapanyukova.com/kak-postroit-blizkie-otnosheniya-dlinoyu-v-zhizn-5-kontraktov-na-doverie/
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