Boys. Should they be men?

As a mother of almost three boys, I try to be in the subject of boyhood and upbringing of men. And much of what I hear in Vedic lectures is understandable to me. But recently it turned out that, personally, I lacked a couple of accents. He wrote a book called “Real Boys.”

In the desire to make a boy a man, the main thing is not to overdo it

This is the main thought that haunts me for several days. Every mother wants her son to become a man. For real. Not to be ashamed in front of your daughter-in-law and people. So that she herself in old age did not abandon. And so on.

How do we get there? How do we get there?

An obstacle course at height. It's safe, it's covered in nets. But the height is decent. Five meters. The kids get in there and they walk on a tightrope, they climb in the tunnels. Anyway, interesting mass.

But here in the middle of the strip is formed a pandemonium. There's a boy about five in there. He cries and asks his mom and dad to get him out of here so he won't get into that tunnel.

“Why are you embarrassing me!” shouts the father from below – “You are a man, come on, climb!”

Together with the children and parents behind, the boy passed. But he came down in tears and crushed. Everyone saw his shame...

The sea. Three years ago. Matthew is three months old. This is our first vacation. Dana doesn't get out of the water at all. The baby does not need anything but to eat and sleep.

And then it dawns on me that sea water is good for everyone, and the baby will certainly like it if you dip it a couple of times. Besides, he's a boy! The dip lasts a few minutes. And while the water is warm (for us), the baby is screaming in terror. And we, smart and progressive parents, harden it!

And the playground again. High slide, stairs. The boy is two and a half. He is clearly not going to do feats. Dad needs feats. "Come on, you're a man!" You can do it! I'll catch you! the baby cries and rests. Dad dragged his son and rolled him off the slide. Did your son enjoy it? Hardly.

Waterpark, three years ago. We really want to show Dana how cool it is to go downhill. Come on, come on! What are you afraid of? Go with Dad! Give me a hand! The child stubbornly refuses. We insist – he will like it later! As a result, the mood is spoiled for everyone.

What am I talking about?

Boys are expected to do great things from birth.

We want to see them brave, fearless (but in moderation, otherwise my mother’s heart will stop!), we want to be proud of them – look, he is two years old, and he is already from such a slide! Or, as I do, he's only three, and he's already swimming and diving!

Boys have no right to fear. They have no right to refuse adventure. They should like the adventures we find for them. These adventures are usually not for their age, but for children a little older. After all, they are boys - they must have super powers.

And so everywhere – parents are trying to shove a child somewhere, impose entertainment on him, make him show heroism. Is it easy with such parents for boys?

The most interesting thing is that one day the boy will mature for these adventures, he will be ready. Now our eldest son drags his father on the slides in the water park, not allowing him to rest. Like the youngest – which does not come out of the sea at all, even if it is not very warm.

Here it is important not only to wait for his readiness and desire, but also to let him choose his own adventures for himself. Someone likes slides, and someone climbing, someone the sea, someone sand castles. Do not try to push your childish desires. Not to force, not to decide for him. Don’t try to make him the same as others. Do not put a label on him: “The boy, then, must!” .

It would be fine if the first paragraph was not combined with the second. Not only do boys have to be diapers, they don’t have the right to emotions. They should not cry, be afraid, blush. They can be angry, and not everyone. The boy must endure any pain and pretend that everything is okay.

I mean, it's not enough that you have to do something at three that you're very afraid of. You still have to stick your fear far, far away and never cry. You're a man!

Then these boys grow up, and they don't know how to deal with emotions. Any fear, sadness, pain, sadness – they transform into anger. Frightened for a child who almost got hit by a car, the first thing the father will most likely yell at him and give it up. And then he'll regret it.

We, women, these grown boys are often called “trees” for their “insensitivity” and “indifference.” But in fact, inside every man there is an ocean of emotions. But he is so used to wearing the mask of indifference that he does not know how to get it out of there.

Another important point is the transfer of the son to his father. All Vedic lecturers say that the father should raise his son. But what do we do and how do we hear it? So, we need to stop showing tenderness to him, stop hugging, so as not to grow into a cloth. Stop helping him. Get away from him.

Is it easy for a boy whose mother still adored and gently kissed the crown in a year or two? And now he's five and his mother feeds him, drinks him, clothes him. But he's not on his knees, he's not hugging? When he is ten, she will begin to fear to hug him once more, at fourteen, and all manifestations of feelings will disappear.

We are afraid to raise a mother's son, so we tear him away from us sharply, with meat. Gradual separation seems unreal and painful. Better in one fell swoop. Take them to kindergarten and leave them all day. He's a boy, and they shouldn't cry. Or send on vacation to his grandfather and grandmother, he is a boy, he will be more interesting in the village.

Is it not because many men now tend to live for their mother? Are you willing to do more for her than for her? Are they trying to fill the void they didn’t fill when they were three or four?

I don't mean to keep kids under the skirt. Just need to see if the baby is ready? Or does he still need his mother too much? Our second son is three years old. And now I can see for sure - he is not ready for separation. He's happy to play with the kids. But Mom needs to be around. It is the mother to share emotions, cry or rejoice together. Or get on your knees and sit for a while.

Senior seven. And he's already separated in many places. You. When I tried to tear it off and stick it to my dad, it only got worse. In many places, he prefers his father to his mother. Like walking to the park. But he still needs me. Scratching your back before bed, hugging, dipping. Although he is seven, he still needs care and care. Mommy. I mean mine.

And physical contact - it is necessary for the boy. So did the girl. Especially my mom. It's not scary to hug a girl, it's up to Dad to worry. You can hug her at twenty. The boy isn't. Oedipus complex and all. Do not encourage forbidden desires and other things. We have so many thoughts about it in our heads! That he's already a man, he's puberty. And the boy just needs his mom to hug him like she used to. Sometimes he sits on his knees – well, that he is taller than his mother. Who cares? It's the same kid!

If you have nothing wrong with the hierarchy of the family in your head and heart – and you hug your boy like a son – there is no problem. With all the other distortions in the head it is better to work. To see the child as a child. Even if he's fifteen.

If the child, the boy, maintains normal bodily contact with the mother, it will be easier for him to hug his wife. Many wives complain that they do not hug, do not kiss just like that. There is no such habit, no such permission.

And to bring up a son, that is, to punish, to explain to him the structure of the world, to teach men things, is the Pope. Of course Dad! Can Mom take apart a car engine like Dad? Punishment from the father by boys is really easier - again, if the system is all right with the hierarchy. Dad is a model of masculinity, and male energy, and male advice.

Mom never stops being needed. She just has a different role. It is needed for the other – to feel small again, how you are cared for, how you are loved. That you're a good man and you're gonna make it. Even if something didn't work out today.

Moms of boys, let's learn this difficult art of being a mother of boys. It depends on what the next generation of men will be. Will they be as complex and infantile? Or we can imbue them with love so that they will come to life confident men who not only can perform feats, but sincerely want to do so.

I learn it every day, even though it’s not easy. And every age and every son gives a new ground for reflection and experience. When I have another crisis about “what to do with this boy,” I recall a very wise phrase: “A child needs our love most when he least deserves it.” And in those situations, I learn to love them again and again, even more. Even if it seems impossible to love anymore. Expressing love so they can feel it too.

To love and respect their father. As they grow older, they want to be like their dad. Strong, responsible and loving. Real men. Without this point, everything else loses meaning. published

Author: Olga Valyaeva

Source: www.valyaeva.ru/malchiki-delat-li-iz-nix-muzhchin/