Interdependence: the delicate balance between parents and son

Instead of expressing love through words, many boys do so through action. Instead of talking directly about their love, boys use indirect ways to convey their feelings — doing something for others or with others.

Another way of expressing love, which is at odds with stereotypes about boys is their strong sense of law and justice.Boys often sacrifice their personal interests to be fair to the people they care about.

The boys do justice in trying to solve problems, making decisions, and especially making bold, decisive actions. Girls his sense of justice sometimes expressed differently: for example, they talk about his outrage with adults or among themselves.

©Adrian C. Murray

These boys care about the girls.

In blended learning the boys put in conditions when they need to fight each other for the attention of girls and boys begin to behave as if they don't respect girls.In such circumstances, they tease the girls laugh at them or praise other boys his connections with girls or women.

The pressure to be "cool" and "hard" to be "with all" makes many teenagers and young men to hide their feelings, hide their natural inclination for empathy, and instead play the role of mindless sex predator. If we remove from the life of boys this pressure, I'm sure they will feel freer in expressing their inherent respect for girls and woman and their need them to build close and deep relationships.

If we create a "comfort zone", free from shame and humiliation, if we let them know that their needs and the needs not only acceptable, but worthy of care — the boys will open for us from the other side, the existence of which we were unaware.

Make contact with the boy

The power of mothers

Moms help boys become men.

In contrast to usual public concerns about the close relationship between mother and child, I found out that, actually, the boys get a huge benefit from maternal love, especially with the approach of "astydameia" parenting, which we discuss here as a way to develop the best in the boy.

I am convinced that by supporting the mother, we supported the child. And I believe that a confident mother is the key to the solution of social problems relating to masculinity, and the creation of a new code of these boys.

A mother's love has nothing to do with effeminacy, it is, in fact, make boys stronger, emotionally and psychologically. It does not make them dependent, and creates a secure Foundation of love — relationship, which the boy can rely on his entire life, which gives him the courage to explore the world. And most importantly: not making a boy "effeminate", a loving mother plays a leading role in the development of his masculinity — the self-esteem and strength of character necessary confidence in his male self.

Double standard of masculinity

In the modern world, the old Boy Code puts boys before the double standards of masculinity: on the one hand, boys are told that they have to act tough, "manly", on the other hand we reproach them that they are not "sensitive" and "caring". My research shows that the best solution is an active, courageous, compassionate mother who helps the boy to reconcile this contradiction between what he should be and how it should/should not behave.

My research also shows that the lack of a close relationship with a loving mother puts the child at a disadvantage when it comes to freedom, confidence, independence, about a man who loves himself is able to take risks and to build close relationships with people in adult life.

In early childhood, and in adolescence, I think that boys will only benefit from that spend time in a warm atmosphere created by the mother and her friends in a happy, enriching the world of women.In short, I am a supporter of the approach "more mother", especially at a time when our society insists on premature separation of the boy from his mother.

What's a mother to do? The boy of the future.

Mothers who try to ignore gender stereotypes, find themselves in a difficult situation. Society can't wait to tell them that the Boy Code is still in force and that mothers should stay within the law. Whether it's a little boy who runs home crying about the fact that his peers tease him for his long curly hair, the teenager who complains that mom's alternative ways of conflict resolution do not work in school or a husband or another family member who begs her to stop these attempts to make the boy "honey" — mother constantly gets a reminder that she must obey public perceptions about boys and masculinity.

Psychologically, years of research confirm what we all know: the more love little kids get from their mothers, the more they are confident in personality. A mother's love helps the boy to become self-sufficient and inquisitive.

Study after study shows that young children who have a close relationship with the main object of affection — the so-called "securely attached children" is psychologically more healthy and strong. The more care a child gets, the bolder he may become. A secure attachment to mother, Magin concludes Gunnar at the University of Minnesota, works as a buffer against the new, frightening situations. A colleague of Gunnera Alan Stroup found that those who in childhood was close to the mother, develop greater confidence, have lower risks of psychopathologies, do better in school and form higher self-esteem.

But how, you ask, how do we change the Code? What to do when I am teaching my son to sympathize with, and he comes home with a bloody nose?

©Adrian C. Murray

This is certainly not easy, but many mothers find ways to resist the code and raise sons, who at the same time close to their mothers and successful in their contemporary setting.

A wise mother can help her son fit into modern culture naturally and painlessly.

Similarly, women have learned to succeed in the previously exclusively male areas, learned new rules of behavior to which they are subject, in certain situations, such as at work. When a woman is head of the Bank, she is not crying at work, but it can cry if her close friend was bankrupt and could not pay off debts. In short, women have learned to expand their emotional repertoire and choose the style of behavior, adequate to the situation. The boys obviously do too.

The internal contradictions. Working on their ideas about boys

©Adrian C. Murray

Sometimes not so much society affects maternal representations of how much her own beliefs about what constitutes good, healthy, brave boy. Sometimes the most beautiful ideas about equality of the sexes spoil her own unresolved contradictions. MAMB can say what she wants, her son was delicate, but her deep, sometimes subconscious desire to draw to his severe athlete. So, the woman would like to have a kind, soft-hearted husband, but a date would prefer to go with Rhett Buttler.

To avoid this painful dilemma, I suggest moms to look inside themselves and test their ideas about masculinity. This study will be incomplete until they analyze their own stories and not think about the man who taught them what manhood is about your father. If a woman grew up with a silent father (or none at all), as was customary, for example, in the 1950s, she would feel uncomfortable with a man. And, unconsciously, it will block the attempts of his son to Express his feelings.

Another common role that is often played fathers previous palenia is obsessed dad who loves his little girl and constantly commented on her looks, clothes, figure. This obsession has ruined many women in our culture, instilling them the idea that their self-esteem depends on their ability to please men. A mother may unconsciously flirt with my younger son, because sure that's the only way to communicate with men.

The mother, who pulls away from a relationship with a boy out of fear that they are "wrong", is more common than the Horny mom. The most well-intentioned moms feel that they don't know how to maintain intimacy with boys, especially when they are in puberty and you suddenly start to look like men. The Ghost of the Oedipus complex follows even the healthiest relationship between mother and son. Namely, at this time, the boy vitally needs the mother as a mentor, until he passes this stage.

Most of the internal conflicts can be resolved, I'm sure if we, as a society, to clarify our expectations and agree on what it means to be a man — what we actually expect from boys and men. My experience as a consultant shows that we really don't want our boys went to the other end of the country lived far away from us and never called, although some of the myth about boys is the picture that the boys must go through a "hardening" of the ritual, the heroic mission to prove your mettle and strengthen masculinity.

These legendary images of the single male is no longer relevant. We live in a world of interdependencies, and even the best managers of large companies, the heroic men of the "words and deeds", sink or swim depending on their ability to work with people.

©Adrian C. Murray

Interdependence: the delicate balance between parents and son

Parents need to be careful not to put your own needs and desires above the needs of his son, not to try to manipulate his emotions.

Motherhood (and fatherhood) is a delicate balance to miedo child support and letting it to grow "on its own". The best reference point — the child.

Different styles and languages of love: speaking vs doing

Contact with boys is established through joint action.

  • the syndrome of silence. Before sharing, the boy should be quiet. The first reaction to stress is to be alone and to "lick their wounds". No need to take offense at "leave me alone" and not to miss the moment when he is ready.

  • you can teach a boy "maternal language": little by little teach him to expand his ability to talk about feelings (for example, pronouncing their feelings in different situations, in parallel, demonstrating that negative emotions are normal, it at all).


The secrets of modern motherhood: how to save a contact and prepare to meet the "real world."

Talk openly about the Boy Code.

Talk about what you like and what you don't like, talk about double standards. Talk with your son and stay by his side.

Tell others about the problems of a Boy Code.

Teach your son's masculinity, telling men that you love and explaining why you love them.

Change of parental roles.

Not always husband needs to be "disciplined" party, and a woman taking care of those who find it difficult. When each parent plays a neutral gender role, it teaches the boy to be caring and compassionate — is not a "women's business" and to be strict and firm male.

When your son is suffering, don't hesitate to ask him if he wants to talk about it.

Do not shame the boy, if he refuses to talk to you.

Instead, let him know that you love him, it's nothing that he doesn't want to talk to you right now and that you're there if he wants to talk later.


Parents who yell at their children...

Soviet films for children


Respect his right to a silent reprieve.

If your boy is looking for contact, do what you can to be with him.

Experiment with "communication through action".

Do not restrain feelings.

It is wonderful to speak to his son about how much you love him. This will only make him stronger. published

William Pollack's "Real boys" (William Pollack. Real Boys: rescuing our sons from the Myths of Boyhood).




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