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Mother and Son: How to Raise a Man
Why do you need a mom? In the first year of life, the child establishes a close psychological connection with the mother. Lack of maternal love and attention during this period affects many years. There are two rules for treating a baby. First: “A child is a guest in the house. It may be loved and respected, but it cannot be ruled, for it belongs to life, wrote the Hindus in the ancient Vedas several millennia ago. It provides a loving and respectful and at the same time somewhat detached attitude towards the child. Another rule is formulated in psychology already in our century: the infant did not come into this world to meet the expectations of his parents. Every child comes into the world with their own goals and has to go their own way. And the parents have the task to help reveal to the child their individuality and their capabilities.
The child is oversensitive to the mother’s mental state. If the mother is happy and peaceful, the baby grows healthy and joyful. Note: when you are calm, the baby is calm; if you just get nervous, the baby becomes capricious and unbalanced. Your child is your psychological barometer by which you can determine your state of mind. Your child should feel loved, so don’t be afraid to spoil them with love. This is necessary for the child to safely pass through all the difficult moments of the first year of life, when a very important psychological education is formed - a basic trust in the world. If a baby communicates a lot with a calm and affectionate mother, if his needs are regularly and gently taken care of, then the child has a positive attitude to himself (I love, so I am good), confidence in his abilities and capabilities (adequate self-esteem), initiative. Then the baby grows cheerful, friendly, curious and active, and he treats other people with sympathy and interest. He will learn to be friends and feel love. If the baby has not developed a basic trust in the world, then he will treat himself badly, grow anxious, insecure in his abilities, gloomy, aggressive, stubborn, and people will be treated wary, which can be expressed in whims, obstinacy, aggressiveness.
Harmony of raising a boy largely depends on the nature of maternal behavior. Let's look at the approximate typology of mothers and try to find the type of behavior that we implement in relation to the son.
Anxiety-active mothers who are constantly in a state of internal tension, which manifests itself in external anxiety. The ways of raising such a mother are characterized by inconsistency: it spoils, then punishes, often for the same actions. With such a mother, the baby will grow up in a troubled atmosphere in which it is difficult to know what he is doing right and what is not. And the child becomes capricious, anxious, tearful and easily excitable, which does not contribute to his normal mental development.
Owner mothers who believe that a child is born to solve their life tasks. Such mothers, speaking about their child, use the phrase: “I gave birth to a child for myself”, “Let my son have what I did not have, let him achieve what I did not achieve.” This attitude indicates that the mother seeks to absorb the child, merge with him, prevent the child from living an independent life. This attitude makes it difficult to see the individuality of the child, his true needs and inclinations. Often in the behavior of her son, such a mother sees the evil will of the baby, the desire to annoy. She was disappointed that she was expecting a different son. It is also important to determine whether the child’s gender matches maternal expectations. If not, then there is a risk that the mother will unconsciously suppress the qualities inherent in the real sex of the child, and try to form in him traits of the opposite sex or some contradictory qualities.
Authoritarian mothers who, without taking into account the psychophysiological and age characteristics of the boy, impose their own system of requirements on him. Such a mother will force-feed the child at the time when she considers it necessary; will ignore his crying, leaving one if she believes that the child needs to sleep at this time. Unfortunately, such mothers are unshakably confident that they act correctly and for the benefit of the child, regardless of his behavior. Any whim or refusal to obey is regarded as a rebellion to be suppressed. It is not surprising that such a mother will grow up a downtrodden, withdrawn and emotionally dysfunctional boy. At the same time, he can form a colossal internal charge of aggression, which later develops into open negativism towards the mother or even to all representatives of the opposite sex.
Pessimistic-depressive mothers, whose condition is most often depressed and tired. They avoid communication with the child; in caring for him, they remain silent and do not smile. It seems that for them the education of a son is a heavy and joyless burden. Such a mother thinks: “This is my cross, which will have to be dragged all my life!” The baby does not receive the necessary maternal love and warmth, and the feeling of attachment to the mother is not formed. As a result, the need for communication with adults is not satisfied, which can cause a delay in mental development.
We hope you have noticed that in these cases, mothers do not feel the joy of motherhood and do not see in the son a person. In contrast to these types, we will draw a portrait of the ideal mother that you will become. Such a woman constantly learns to be a mother, tries to be cheerful, balanced and calm, accepts the child as he is, watching him and understanding his features. She tries as early as possible to feel and understand her son’s individuality and his needs, rather than assigning her own to him. She reads a lot of literature on education, but treats it critically, analyzing it and adapting the knowledge gained to the characteristics of her baby. Its system of requirements for the child is realistic, includes a minimum of prohibitions and a maximum of signs of respect and encouragement. Such a mother is familiar with the main psychological condition for proper upbringing - the recognition of the independence and independence of the child from birth.
How does a mother behave if she raises a boy without a father? To raise a real man from a naughty boy requires a certain male ideal, on the basis of which the child will build his behavior. Such an ideal in ordinary families can be a father, uncle, grandfather - in general, all those men with whom your baby grows up. The more men a child is surrounded by, the more flexible and diverse he will build his male behavior, relationships with other people, including women. If a child does not have a father, he will look for a pattern in other men, so you need to think about what men surround him.
A deadlock is created when single mothers raise sons without men in the family. Initially, such a family was built on the exclusive authority of a woman. The mother is forced to assume the role of the father, as a result of which the boy begins to perceive the woman as an unusually strong creature that does not need protection, but, on the contrary, is able to solve any problems.
If the mother is prone to authoritarianism and power, then the boy will gradually suppress the male principle - the desire to assert himself and be a leader. The struggle against the maternal dictates will turn for the boy into a denial, a struggle against femininity in all its manifestations. Invisibly, this turns into an internal battle with himself: everything in which the growing man suspects a non-male origin, he resolutely suppresses in himself. Any direct, sincere manifestation, even kindness to people, he considers as weakness, as betrayal of his sex, and rudeness and impudence are the main qualities of a “real man”. In those situations when a man is called to act as a defender of a woman, he feels his weakness and therefore shows disrespect for her. And when he must prove himself as a stronghold of the family, he tries to hide under the “woman’s shield”, demanding the strength and presence of the spirit from his wife, which he used to see in his mother.
Many modern women complain: “There are no real men now, only weaklings!” Let’s think: where do weak men come from? The answer to this question may seem paradoxical. We educate them ourselves! The fact is that everything in the world should be in balance. The stronger the woman, the weaker the man. Strong men grow up with weak mothers.
In order not to cross this line, it is necessary that the boy communicates more often with adult men, your relatives, friends. Ideals for him can serve as heroes of books and films. But not melodrama heroes! Choose your films carefully in your home collection. You don't want your son to be a ladies' man, do you? Let them be knights, musketeers and other equally fair heroes who protect their ladies and fight injustice.
Even any boy’s game can be turned into an educational situation. At the age of four, a son, like any boy, loved to play war. He said he was shooting at me or the dog. My remarks that people and animals should not be shot did not lead to the desired result. My son kept aiming at us, but secretly around the corner. I could have ignored it, but the psychological discomfort kept me awake. After all, it turned out that my son sees in me an opponent, and this is already a potential aggression. I thought about it, but then I decided, in my opinion, pedagogically correct. No, I didn't punish my son, I didn't swear. I made frightened eyes and asked him to be my protector and guard, explaining that I could not fight and shoot. And when I'm doing my homework, I can't see how I'm going to be attacked by the villains. I couldn't know how my son would accept my offer, so I was a little worried. But the result exceeded all expectations! His son, proud and content with himself, immediately felt strong. He began to follow me, copying the behavior of heroes - defenders of the weak. Going from room to room, he would say, "Mom, wait, I'll come check." And I stood patiently at the door if I went to the bathroom or the toilet.”
We don’t want to follow my example, we want to show that a mother should never forget that she is a woman.
Unfortunately, our boys almost from birth experience all the options of pressure from women. In the first years of life, the boy spends more time with his mother or grandmother, who not only care for him, but also require obedience. In kindergarten, boys must obey female educators who punish fights and excessive activity, and encourage and praise obedience and humility. There are so few men in school that their influence on boys is almost imperceptible. But authoritarian teachers who regularly humiliate and suppress boys, at least plenty. How can you grow up active, proactive, confident and independent, where can you learn to be strong and decisive?
Of course, we – mothers – are not always perfect, break down, punish, scold our overly nimble boys. When we are wrong, we should not be ashamed to appear weak. Ask for forgiveness for the rude tone, apologize, even if your son is still very young, explain your behavior, allow yourself to cry to his vest, ask for advice. And you will see that the boy will not get angry, but, on the contrary, will pity you. In this way, he will learn to forgive, to be frank and also to admit his mistakes.
If you carefully observe adult men, you can easily distinguish those who were mainly raised by mothers.
Often in single mothers, boys grow up more empathetic, tender and even spoiled. The fact is that the child from birth absorbs everything that he perceives, and this happens unconsciously. Most often, children imitate a parent of their own sex, imitate his behavior. Whose behavior will the boy copy if the father is not around? It is highly likely that the mother is. And this is noticeable not only in meaningful manifestations, but also in manners, and even in intonations of speech. This is due to the fact that the boy sees only one standard of sex-role behavior. That is why it is so important for a boy raised by one mother to communicate as much as possible with real men, receiving information about another standard of behavior - male.
Only through communication with other men, the boy will master male forms of behavior, ways of solving problems, learn to express his opinion and evaluate events. Therefore, divorced mothers are wrong, who do not allow the child to communicate with the father.
While a boy is young, his behavior may not be much different from that of a girl. However, already in preschool age in the environment of peers, the child begins to demonstrate himself as a representative of a certain sex, implementing gender-role stereotypes obtained in the family. And if the male stereotype of behavior is not formed, then the boy can become the subject of ridicule, bullying and neglect. This can be a big trauma for the child. You’ve probably noticed how cruel boys are to boys who can’t resist, fight back, or cry. The absence of a male example of behavior very much complicates the introduction to the male subculture and can be a source of neurotic manifestations (enuresis, stuttering, fears, etc.).
The consequences of upbringing by one mother also affect adulthood, especially on the marital relationship of the son. Statistics show that such men are less likely to marry, and if they marry, then their chosen one is more likely to be older in age.
This fact is also explained: the son copies the parental family in his family, that is, consisting of an adult woman and a younger man. Such a man often cannot become a full-fledged father to his own child, because at heart he remains a son and waits for support and help.
But let’s not consider these situations as a tragedy, because many boys raised by one mother found their place in life and realized themselves as men.
How can a mother behave when she is raising her son alone? First, it is necessary to give the child the opportunity to communicate with men for a long time. It can be a grandfather, uncle, cousin, acquaintance, coach. If you say that there are no decent men in your environment, then you will be wrong and show your subconscious reluctance to make your son a real man.
Secondly, focus your son’s attention on the behavior of positive characters in movies and books.
Third, recognize your son’s right to live independently. At the beginning of adolescence, let your son go, learn to respect his interests and friends, give him more freedom. The sooner you give him the opportunity to make his own decisions (no matter how thoughtful they are), the faster he will learn to be responsible for his actions, primarily to himself.
Fourth, the “dose” of a mother’s love for her son must vary at different ages. In adolescence and adolescence, excessive maternal love can become a brake on a boy’s social development. If you do not push your son to a certain distance, he will not be able to establish his personal life and will rush between his beloved girl and mother. When a son is emotionally dependent on his mother, it can destroy his own family. And the adult son will remain infantile.
Don’t act like a father and a mother at the same time. Be a woman mom: weak, affectionate, loving, feminine. This will teach your son to pity his mother, sympathize with her, support, help, i.e. acquire the qualities of a strong, confident man who knows how to make decisions, be responsible for himself and others, support a woman and become her support.
S.G. Dostovalov and L.V. Maltseva
Source: psychologos.ru
Source: /users/1077
The child is oversensitive to the mother’s mental state. If the mother is happy and peaceful, the baby grows healthy and joyful. Note: when you are calm, the baby is calm; if you just get nervous, the baby becomes capricious and unbalanced. Your child is your psychological barometer by which you can determine your state of mind. Your child should feel loved, so don’t be afraid to spoil them with love. This is necessary for the child to safely pass through all the difficult moments of the first year of life, when a very important psychological education is formed - a basic trust in the world. If a baby communicates a lot with a calm and affectionate mother, if his needs are regularly and gently taken care of, then the child has a positive attitude to himself (I love, so I am good), confidence in his abilities and capabilities (adequate self-esteem), initiative. Then the baby grows cheerful, friendly, curious and active, and he treats other people with sympathy and interest. He will learn to be friends and feel love. If the baby has not developed a basic trust in the world, then he will treat himself badly, grow anxious, insecure in his abilities, gloomy, aggressive, stubborn, and people will be treated wary, which can be expressed in whims, obstinacy, aggressiveness.
Harmony of raising a boy largely depends on the nature of maternal behavior. Let's look at the approximate typology of mothers and try to find the type of behavior that we implement in relation to the son.
Anxiety-active mothers who are constantly in a state of internal tension, which manifests itself in external anxiety. The ways of raising such a mother are characterized by inconsistency: it spoils, then punishes, often for the same actions. With such a mother, the baby will grow up in a troubled atmosphere in which it is difficult to know what he is doing right and what is not. And the child becomes capricious, anxious, tearful and easily excitable, which does not contribute to his normal mental development.
Owner mothers who believe that a child is born to solve their life tasks. Such mothers, speaking about their child, use the phrase: “I gave birth to a child for myself”, “Let my son have what I did not have, let him achieve what I did not achieve.” This attitude indicates that the mother seeks to absorb the child, merge with him, prevent the child from living an independent life. This attitude makes it difficult to see the individuality of the child, his true needs and inclinations. Often in the behavior of her son, such a mother sees the evil will of the baby, the desire to annoy. She was disappointed that she was expecting a different son. It is also important to determine whether the child’s gender matches maternal expectations. If not, then there is a risk that the mother will unconsciously suppress the qualities inherent in the real sex of the child, and try to form in him traits of the opposite sex or some contradictory qualities.
Authoritarian mothers who, without taking into account the psychophysiological and age characteristics of the boy, impose their own system of requirements on him. Such a mother will force-feed the child at the time when she considers it necessary; will ignore his crying, leaving one if she believes that the child needs to sleep at this time. Unfortunately, such mothers are unshakably confident that they act correctly and for the benefit of the child, regardless of his behavior. Any whim or refusal to obey is regarded as a rebellion to be suppressed. It is not surprising that such a mother will grow up a downtrodden, withdrawn and emotionally dysfunctional boy. At the same time, he can form a colossal internal charge of aggression, which later develops into open negativism towards the mother or even to all representatives of the opposite sex.
Pessimistic-depressive mothers, whose condition is most often depressed and tired. They avoid communication with the child; in caring for him, they remain silent and do not smile. It seems that for them the education of a son is a heavy and joyless burden. Such a mother thinks: “This is my cross, which will have to be dragged all my life!” The baby does not receive the necessary maternal love and warmth, and the feeling of attachment to the mother is not formed. As a result, the need for communication with adults is not satisfied, which can cause a delay in mental development.
We hope you have noticed that in these cases, mothers do not feel the joy of motherhood and do not see in the son a person. In contrast to these types, we will draw a portrait of the ideal mother that you will become. Such a woman constantly learns to be a mother, tries to be cheerful, balanced and calm, accepts the child as he is, watching him and understanding his features. She tries as early as possible to feel and understand her son’s individuality and his needs, rather than assigning her own to him. She reads a lot of literature on education, but treats it critically, analyzing it and adapting the knowledge gained to the characteristics of her baby. Its system of requirements for the child is realistic, includes a minimum of prohibitions and a maximum of signs of respect and encouragement. Such a mother is familiar with the main psychological condition for proper upbringing - the recognition of the independence and independence of the child from birth.
How does a mother behave if she raises a boy without a father? To raise a real man from a naughty boy requires a certain male ideal, on the basis of which the child will build his behavior. Such an ideal in ordinary families can be a father, uncle, grandfather - in general, all those men with whom your baby grows up. The more men a child is surrounded by, the more flexible and diverse he will build his male behavior, relationships with other people, including women. If a child does not have a father, he will look for a pattern in other men, so you need to think about what men surround him.
A deadlock is created when single mothers raise sons without men in the family. Initially, such a family was built on the exclusive authority of a woman. The mother is forced to assume the role of the father, as a result of which the boy begins to perceive the woman as an unusually strong creature that does not need protection, but, on the contrary, is able to solve any problems.
If the mother is prone to authoritarianism and power, then the boy will gradually suppress the male principle - the desire to assert himself and be a leader. The struggle against the maternal dictates will turn for the boy into a denial, a struggle against femininity in all its manifestations. Invisibly, this turns into an internal battle with himself: everything in which the growing man suspects a non-male origin, he resolutely suppresses in himself. Any direct, sincere manifestation, even kindness to people, he considers as weakness, as betrayal of his sex, and rudeness and impudence are the main qualities of a “real man”. In those situations when a man is called to act as a defender of a woman, he feels his weakness and therefore shows disrespect for her. And when he must prove himself as a stronghold of the family, he tries to hide under the “woman’s shield”, demanding the strength and presence of the spirit from his wife, which he used to see in his mother.
Many modern women complain: “There are no real men now, only weaklings!” Let’s think: where do weak men come from? The answer to this question may seem paradoxical. We educate them ourselves! The fact is that everything in the world should be in balance. The stronger the woman, the weaker the man. Strong men grow up with weak mothers.
In order not to cross this line, it is necessary that the boy communicates more often with adult men, your relatives, friends. Ideals for him can serve as heroes of books and films. But not melodrama heroes! Choose your films carefully in your home collection. You don't want your son to be a ladies' man, do you? Let them be knights, musketeers and other equally fair heroes who protect their ladies and fight injustice.
Even any boy’s game can be turned into an educational situation. At the age of four, a son, like any boy, loved to play war. He said he was shooting at me or the dog. My remarks that people and animals should not be shot did not lead to the desired result. My son kept aiming at us, but secretly around the corner. I could have ignored it, but the psychological discomfort kept me awake. After all, it turned out that my son sees in me an opponent, and this is already a potential aggression. I thought about it, but then I decided, in my opinion, pedagogically correct. No, I didn't punish my son, I didn't swear. I made frightened eyes and asked him to be my protector and guard, explaining that I could not fight and shoot. And when I'm doing my homework, I can't see how I'm going to be attacked by the villains. I couldn't know how my son would accept my offer, so I was a little worried. But the result exceeded all expectations! His son, proud and content with himself, immediately felt strong. He began to follow me, copying the behavior of heroes - defenders of the weak. Going from room to room, he would say, "Mom, wait, I'll come check." And I stood patiently at the door if I went to the bathroom or the toilet.”
We don’t want to follow my example, we want to show that a mother should never forget that she is a woman.
Unfortunately, our boys almost from birth experience all the options of pressure from women. In the first years of life, the boy spends more time with his mother or grandmother, who not only care for him, but also require obedience. In kindergarten, boys must obey female educators who punish fights and excessive activity, and encourage and praise obedience and humility. There are so few men in school that their influence on boys is almost imperceptible. But authoritarian teachers who regularly humiliate and suppress boys, at least plenty. How can you grow up active, proactive, confident and independent, where can you learn to be strong and decisive?
Of course, we – mothers – are not always perfect, break down, punish, scold our overly nimble boys. When we are wrong, we should not be ashamed to appear weak. Ask for forgiveness for the rude tone, apologize, even if your son is still very young, explain your behavior, allow yourself to cry to his vest, ask for advice. And you will see that the boy will not get angry, but, on the contrary, will pity you. In this way, he will learn to forgive, to be frank and also to admit his mistakes.
If you carefully observe adult men, you can easily distinguish those who were mainly raised by mothers.
Often in single mothers, boys grow up more empathetic, tender and even spoiled. The fact is that the child from birth absorbs everything that he perceives, and this happens unconsciously. Most often, children imitate a parent of their own sex, imitate his behavior. Whose behavior will the boy copy if the father is not around? It is highly likely that the mother is. And this is noticeable not only in meaningful manifestations, but also in manners, and even in intonations of speech. This is due to the fact that the boy sees only one standard of sex-role behavior. That is why it is so important for a boy raised by one mother to communicate as much as possible with real men, receiving information about another standard of behavior - male.
Only through communication with other men, the boy will master male forms of behavior, ways of solving problems, learn to express his opinion and evaluate events. Therefore, divorced mothers are wrong, who do not allow the child to communicate with the father.
While a boy is young, his behavior may not be much different from that of a girl. However, already in preschool age in the environment of peers, the child begins to demonstrate himself as a representative of a certain sex, implementing gender-role stereotypes obtained in the family. And if the male stereotype of behavior is not formed, then the boy can become the subject of ridicule, bullying and neglect. This can be a big trauma for the child. You’ve probably noticed how cruel boys are to boys who can’t resist, fight back, or cry. The absence of a male example of behavior very much complicates the introduction to the male subculture and can be a source of neurotic manifestations (enuresis, stuttering, fears, etc.).
The consequences of upbringing by one mother also affect adulthood, especially on the marital relationship of the son. Statistics show that such men are less likely to marry, and if they marry, then their chosen one is more likely to be older in age.
This fact is also explained: the son copies the parental family in his family, that is, consisting of an adult woman and a younger man. Such a man often cannot become a full-fledged father to his own child, because at heart he remains a son and waits for support and help.
But let’s not consider these situations as a tragedy, because many boys raised by one mother found their place in life and realized themselves as men.
How can a mother behave when she is raising her son alone? First, it is necessary to give the child the opportunity to communicate with men for a long time. It can be a grandfather, uncle, cousin, acquaintance, coach. If you say that there are no decent men in your environment, then you will be wrong and show your subconscious reluctance to make your son a real man.
Secondly, focus your son’s attention on the behavior of positive characters in movies and books.
Third, recognize your son’s right to live independently. At the beginning of adolescence, let your son go, learn to respect his interests and friends, give him more freedom. The sooner you give him the opportunity to make his own decisions (no matter how thoughtful they are), the faster he will learn to be responsible for his actions, primarily to himself.
Fourth, the “dose” of a mother’s love for her son must vary at different ages. In adolescence and adolescence, excessive maternal love can become a brake on a boy’s social development. If you do not push your son to a certain distance, he will not be able to establish his personal life and will rush between his beloved girl and mother. When a son is emotionally dependent on his mother, it can destroy his own family. And the adult son will remain infantile.
Don’t act like a father and a mother at the same time. Be a woman mom: weak, affectionate, loving, feminine. This will teach your son to pity his mother, sympathize with her, support, help, i.e. acquire the qualities of a strong, confident man who knows how to make decisions, be responsible for himself and others, support a woman and become her support.
S.G. Dostovalov and L.V. Maltseva
Source: psychologos.ru
Source: /users/1077