Meeting-conversation with the child psychologist and writer Ekaterina Murashova on the topic "is There a "proper upbringing", or the Most common parental mistakes."
Hello. I am a psychologist-practitioner with 25 years of experience. The first education I – embryologist-biologist. My basic specialization is Zoology and biology. I have previously worked in the zoo, in the circus tent, I know very well and understand animals. Development always interested me, biology is the development of individuals from conception to death. So when during the restructuring of science has ceased to take place, I went to study psychology.
Because I was a biologist, I tried not to stray too far from their field and learned on the age of the psychologist. Age psychologist studying the psychological development of individuals from conception to death, actually I became a specialist in ontogenesis. Any things that are associated with ontogeny, with the age characteristics, crises, and not only children but also adults, and family is my specialty.
What does a counseling psychologist?
If we talk about practice, I work with the most primitive of all possible methods. The psychology Department was my second higher education who studied with me are now adults, my course consisted of two halves.
One half is a teacher, sent from the provinces for training in psychology. They came because at that time issued a decree that all schools should be psychologists. The second part psychics. They had represented: "I am Katya, a psychic." Most of the already practiced as psychics, they came for the diplomas. This bright society I received the second higher education.
By the end of the study all wanted to do the deep psychology. They said: interested in this only, all the rest is nonsense.Depth psychology means that we run hands in the soul of the client and there is something replaceable.
We need to understand what time it was. Russia open to the world, and we were visited by a large number of foreign psychologists who, sometimes even for free, brought the enlightenment into the dark mass. Before we had even banned Sigmund Freud. We had our own database of psychologists: Boris Anan'ev, Sergei Rubinstein, Andrey Lichko, but it was not just deep, but deep-seated psychology.
Honestly, I'm a little bit confused and even learnt hypnosis. Looking at everything that happens, I'm staying at the most primitive level of psychological counseling.What does a counseling psychologist?
He turns the glass. Any situation, any personality is multi-faceted, like a glass. Everyone has multiple faces. Sometimes one, sometimes three. Counselor just turn off.
Sometimes seeing even more faces, the man understands what to do and goes to do it. Sometimes, seeing multiple faces, one understands that he does not want to resolve this situation, and it suits all. Sometimes a person pretends that he has never seen her new face, it also has a right to exist.
Parents who come to me, I say, "Coming out of my office, you can forget everything I tell you." Women still polite, and honest men sometimes say, "make it So". It also has a right to exist.
According to the method of working, I am a psychological consultant. My books I wrote for completely social reasons. Came to me and said: "what you tell is very important, and where you can read about it?" And I started to watch.
Then issued a huge number of books began to publish. There were two groups of books. The first group was domestic: the same Andrew Licko, Lev Vygotsky. There it says very sensible things, but is written in dry language that no normal person will not pass through it. I, an expert, was given to it hardly.
Did any of you medieval alchemical texts? They are mad. I thought for a long time that the authors specially all of it was encrypted. Then I realized that they are about such complicated things just could not more clearly expressed. Read anyone's poems of Vasily Trediakovsky? Why Pushkin was a genius? Because he was the first to speak human language. Before him was trediakovskii. Trediakovsky to read is almost impossible. Everything develops.Our psychologists have written a lot of smart, but the medieval alchemical language.
During the restructuring has already appeared on American books, and to a lesser extent the French related to the psychology of childhood, parenthood, written beautiful vivid figurative language, but it was not our book, detached from our reality. After a while I decided that it is easier to write. Wrote.The suffering of a young mother
The psychological community has moved "from Trediakovsky to Pushkin". Now there is a problem to choose among this anything sane.
The young mother, the question arises, for example, how best to put the kids to bed. It is written there: the child should sleep with the mother, this physical contact, calm mother, the child may at any time to eat, the mother is controlling the situation, and the child hears her heartbeat, and generally it is strange that someone is talking about something else.
A young mother opens another link. It says: to sleep separately. English aristocrats, children were put to bed separately, you have some claim to the English aristocracy? Mother getting enough sleep, the child becomes accustomed to the regime, his mother quickly restored sex life. Who said it doesn't matter?
Mother of confusion: here the child, in the evening it needs somewhere to lay. This is a problem that faces many parents. Pomadasys, some parents come to the conclusion: it is impossible to satisfy all these experts, so we should just look and choose what's best. In the end, you need to choose an opinion. Choose someone who seems of sound mind would appoint him an expert and will do as he says. It looks heartbreaking.
I work in a regular municipal clinic of Saint-Petersburg. When I was little, were popular films about Fantomas. That villain in the mask, which was chasing the journalist.When I was little, we watched the films about Fantomas, we were taken into the yard pass notes: "I want a body. I chose you. See you soon. Fantomas".
When I get another pair of parents, holding a notebook, with the words: "We read your books, now you tell us how we should be, and we all write and go", I feel that way – "I need a corpse. I chose you. See you soon. Fantomas". When I tell them that, they laugh.
Aristocrat and nomad
Let's draw two houses. In one (in the Palace) lives of the English aristocrat, the other (this will be a Yurt) lives a nomad. The child comes into the world, not knowing where he was. He may be born in the tent of a nomad and live in it, and can be born in England in the family of an aristocrat.Here is a little aristocrat.
How does he live? Where does he sleep? Separately. Among the aristocrats there is no tradition of a joint dream. Bring the child from the place where he was born, put in the crib. No one will ever take him to his bed. It will come, it will comfort, he will be treated.At the same time, our little nomad
to 18 years old will sleep with mom and dad on the same rug. Nomad will totally get the "banging of hearts," closeness to mother, everything that was described in the first link, which opens the young mother. Small aristocratic get nothing.Eat like an aristocrat?
Knife and fork on a schedule. The nomad handles whenever you want.
Taught him to do: open the lid of the cauldron, handle take porridge and close the lid. Our little nomad is still in the tent alone. Dad and mom go to feed the cattle, he left a dog, that he was not so boring, and he's waiting for mommy. Little aristocrat will remain ever one? Sure – no. If mom and dad go away – there are nannies, governesses. Playing our little aristocratic tin soldiers of Queen Victoria.We see that the education are completely different. Do you have an idea or suggestion that aristocrats educate their children properly, and nomads – wrong?
Still, most people think that aristocrats bring up children correctly and the nomads raised right. Just rearing the future of the aristocrat, and others are raising the future of the nomad.
You are certainly not aristocrats, and not nomads, you will find yourself somewhere in the middle, someone will be close to the aristocracy, someone closer to the nomads. The problem of geometric. We just found out that the education of the aristocracy the same right as the education of nomads.So, whatever you do, it will be correct. Only you have to decide where to hit your child? Where's he gonna sleep? What will he have? What is he going to play? Will it leave one?You need to determine what you need to build.
Some rely on the tradition of the English aristocracy, others rely on your method of management. And what do you rely? Traditions per se, a method of farming in cities is also different.
Can I ask a question? In the methods of education of nobles and nomads have a lot in common – the methods of punishment...
– Do you seriously think that an English aristocrat and the nomad is punished equally? In England about 70 years in the schools abolished corporal punishment. I think that the rewards and punishments in such families different.
Of course, we are all biological creatures. We can say that they have much in common: each of the two arms, two legs, two eyes, both, for example, mum likes it. And mother was the great lady and mother-nomad love their children. Of course, a lot in common. In the neighboring house has two apartments: one children are allowed to eat ice cream outside, and the other is not allowed, not because I don't love. They just conveniently, they have some ideas about hygiene, they have ideas about the condition of the throat of their child, their own childhood traumas.
Childhood trauma and biological program
I, for example, was a ridiculous childhood trauma. In our family no one was drowning, but my mom for some reason was terrified when I was down. My swim was under the cries of mother from the shore: "Kate, get out of the water!" Amazingly, but sometimes she started to cry before I it included.
One day I got caught, said, "Mom, what are you talking about? Do you hear yourself? I'm still out of them". My mother did not hesitate: "it's difficult to kick then out." It was just a fad, it is impossible to say that it was Hyper, because when I was 12, my mom rented a room and went there for Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and the rest of the time I lived there, one to 12 years.
As you know, the first thing I did when I was one – got on the bike and went to key lake. The chance to drown me was enormous. Because of this, I had such situation: when I had children, I said, "you Kids will swim anywhere, at any time of the year on demand. Seem the water, and I give you permission to dive there at any time of the year, if you manage to break the ice." I must say that my kids are absolutely not eager to swim, especially to break the ice. They sometimes used it exclusively from cheerful reasons.
I remember as we walked along the University embankment in St. Petersburg in November to the Museum. My son tells a friend: "I Bet my mom will let here now to go swimming?" He wonders: "What? Here? In dirty water in November? No, of course not allowed". My son says, "I'll Bet you a ruble?" Friend agrees. The son asks, "Mom, can I bathe?" I said, "Bunny, of course. There the descent is. Only the head is not wet, because if the head is wet, the Museum will not get".
My son happily says: "Give the ruble." His friend is no fool, says, "First bath, and then the ladies". Of course, my child to swim is not useful, but, in General, from where do we start? From which repel the aristocrats and the nomads?
On the one hand, from tradition. On the other side of your own convenience.The child needs to know where he was. When it comes the moment of mapping the world, he needs only know where he is?
Do you think our little nomad, when my mother first left him in the tent and went with dad to feed the cattle, and ran after her across the steppe? Of course. Shouted: "Mom, come back!"? Screaming. Sorry for the small nomad. How is he one? One day ran the second day running, week ran. Over time, the handle and swing. Our little aristocrat wanted to eat the treat with your hand? Of course I did. He was not born with the idea of a knife and fork. He was trained to do this.
– We believe out of convenience? Raising a easy child? Tell him what to do and what not to do? What is right and what is wrong?
– What do you mean "correctly"? How can you tell a child a year and a half, how? You can tell him it would be: "I will not give you ice cream on the street."– If we take the manner of communicating with the whole child, we used to communicate with them in a certain way. He does not abruptly change from eighteen months to ten years...
– The child very seriously varies from eighteen months to ten years.– Yes, but gradually.
– Biological program of boundary-turns on instantly. I sometimes say, "Two weeks ago was a normal child, now – the horror." This is the program when the child is saying, "don't go, Peter, in a puddle," and he, looking in his eyes, goes into a puddle. It's a biological program. The fact that it works, except for children, puppies, kittens, little bears. This is a program to establish the boundaries of what I can do, and what's in it for me.– How to find a balance between this Directive as right and wrong, but it's time to stop and realize that we don't say, "You're doing at MSU, and not where you want because we have decided"?
You very quickly jumped. The program of establishment of borders is included in the half year. Then the child and you need to map the world, to know how it works. The program of establishment of boundaries is a basic program, which includes a year or two. Now the development is inhibited, so when I started working, she was involved in and a half, now included in two to two and a half. The development of children something slow. What I don't know, but it is. Recently a doctor-a speech therapist that I work with, they took the tables that she had, – they do not meet more than anything.
Developmental delay of speech, in those tables that was true 25 years ago, can be supplied to each first child. I once went to a medical conference. This conference was the most boring reports, there were some doctors. The doctors listened to them properly, because for them it was a new, important, interesting, and absolutely fit into their worldview information.
And suddenly, out of chief children's gynecologist of our city and began to read his report. I listen and after a while looking at the doctors who sit next to me – they fall asleep. I'm still here, then Wake one of them and say, "what I hear is true?" The doctor said to me: "Yes, you understand correctly, he has many years it says it used to be, not paying attention."
What did he say? He has collected statistics over many years. At some point he saw that not just younger Teens in crisis, there are more serious things
. The things in the child's development was considered linked: grow teeth – teenage crisis, at the same time is a psychological restructuring, etc. All these things break down. Development is more floating.His thesis about children was: "they Seem someone turns".
The earliest program of right and wrong – to map the world. Later, when she's done (about three years), begin the following periods. When it comes to admission to mekhmat, you knock the bottom. The idea that you'll say "ice cream on the street do not eat" to 21-year – wrong. You knock on the bottom before the adolescent crisis.
Podrostkovoy and predpokladat
About Teens in crisis know everything, but there is predpokladat, about which nobody knows. Adolescent crisis does not exist, we ourselves have done, but adolescence there. There are predpokladat that it is marked by two funny things
.The first thing the child begins to dream, to invent
, that he was in his non-native family, he was adopted. Never child shares it with parents. Sometimes divided with a sort of confidant. The Trustee then uses to parents, provides the child. And this is just predpokladat. Our child begins to understand that the family system, and everything in it is the same, but he is different.The second thing children begin to dream that they will run away
. This is not teenage Babysitting: "You're sick". It's a dream about how "I'm going to live in the woods with his dog in a tent." If podrostkovoy tragic, and the tragedy of her do we, the adults, that is – yet. It is the sweet dreams. Remember Tom Sawyer? Tom Sawyer – not the teenager, Tom Sawyer – prepodnesti. They ran away, writing notes to parents.
Priemnoi I have not touched, and if touched, I antirealist. She touched my closest friend. I as now remember her words: "Kate, let's go to the barn, I need to talk to you". In the evening on the roof of the shed the sun went down, and she said to me: "I realized that I was not home, and reception". We were about 9-10 years. In her family all had brown hair and she is a natural blonde. "Actually, she says to me, – I'm a Scandinavian Princess."
After a while I caught the second point, and together with two boys from the courtyard we went to help the Vietnamese patriots to fight against the American military. We got off the train in Vologda. We were getting ready, I was. The police questioned us separately. My comrades kept as guerrillas during the interrogation the Gestapo, they didn't say anything. I cracked and admitted that we were going to help the Vietnamese patriots.
I still remember how an elderly policeman took out from somewhere a mirror in front of me was a dirty face with protruding in different directions curly hair, with an abrasion. He put the mirror and said, "Think what you this can help Vietnamese patriots?" I'm serious, I remember thinking. I was not age-related psychologist, did not understand what was happening to me, but the disconnect I felt.
Of course, realizing that he is not like the others in the family, the teenager tries to escape. But is it one he can resist the pressure: "what are You? We are all in the family studied, all graduated from MSU..."? Of course, he had no strength. What's his solution? Run. Where? Find the kind where everyone wears a nose ring. The child rushes in and says: "We are all Goths". Or: "You all suck". Such a company they are already quite able to resist the uncomprehending world of adults.published
HOW to talk to children about sex
Authors: Katerina Murashova, Anna Utkina
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©
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