Once to me brought the 14-year-old girl. Strong-willed, pale and silent. Facial expressions and gestures reminded the male. The relative who brought the girl reported that she had migraine headaches since early childhood. Nothing helps. Treated all my life, but pain remains, only their intensity varies.
On my request to tell the most important thing about his family, the girl told: “mom...so sad...dad drinks... and I have a headache and my mom freaked out about that”.
— And who called you that? (The girl was a rare male name)
In honor of his brother. He died.
Then I offered the girl to draw pictures of their family.
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Figure 1 — “ My family”.
Briefly explain drawn.
No hands, eyes closed (i.e., no emotional contact, and in the system have something heavy, I don't want to watch), no feet (no feeling of support and assistance). The child standing between parents (i.e., joins them together as a couple)... etc.
— And what here family does?
— And who here all.
— No... all the same.
— All the same?
Well, sad a bit…
— What are they all about sad?
— I have a headache forever…
In the course of conversation I asked the girl to paint your symptom as she feels it. What is a similar pain that lives in her head. After a while she drew a picture of:
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Figure 2 — “Symptoms”.
— What is it?
Is my headache. As if the man and the woman are angry at each other, blame... fighting already…
— What kind of zipper?
— Knock on their heads to each other as lightning strikes.
You're talking about it like it's already happened in your life…
Yes... this is my mom and dad... they fight all the time.
(The girl's parents experienced a lot of pain, losing her first child. This fact greatly complicated their relationship as a couple. They are unable to experience this pain together. Each lived its separate, closed in itself. But the pain breaks through the conflicts and mutual accusations. The daughter feels the pain of the parents as their own. And from the picture you can make the assumption that this was the cause of the symptom's daughter).
— ...Now we're very well aware of your parents... and where is your headache?
Then the girl on a separate sheet draws the following:
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Figure 3 — the “ Symptom — option two.”
I ask her to talk a little bit about the symptom.
— He is sad, he has a lot of legs and no hands.
— What happened?
— Be born, and maybe broken.
— As it?
— Well, floundered, floundered, and that broke.
You said that he is sad…
— Yes, crying and crying, forgotten, abandoned…
During the conversation it turns out that the girl was named in honor of the eldest brother who drowned in childhood. The girl's mother at this point was pregnant with a second child (this girl). There was a risk of miscarriage and only hope of the mother that the child will be born who can replace her dead, gave strength to bear fruit. According to the girl, she always put his brother as an example. Mom says, “Wear the name proudly!” or “Your brother never cried”... etc., adjusting its behavior in accordance with the habits, character and temperament of his brother.
In other words, sister forced to replace the first child for parents. But, becoming a different person, impossible to be yourself. The refusal of the girls from myself resulted in the symptoms that performs a very important role – returns of the deceased brother in the family system. However, as parents can't face the pain of loss, they can't look on the son because for them their son is pain. Thus the place of a brother in the system is blank and it is a symptom of a daughter. And daughter seems to be saying to parents: “If you can't look at my brother, then it's going to do for you I can. I'm doing it for you.”
Finding out the main cause of her illness, I invite the girl to draw her family completely as it is today: parents, it is the symptom.
The drawing turned out so:
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Figure 4 — “the Whole family and symptom”.
If you compare the pictures, the main thing becomes obvious – the family alive. All smiles. The eyes are open but pupils are drawn only at the girl. The only one who clearly sees what is happening – it's a daughter.
— What happened now that you've drawn a symptom?
— I'm cheerful and all smiles.
(The system always becomes easier when there is a symptom, no matter how heavy it was. Now the system is again in equilibrium. Lost brother returned in the form of a symptom.)
— And who all better?
— Mother. It is from the symptom all the more.
(The emotional pain is so strong that the mother cannot accept the death of his son. “She's...all.” Then her son, watching her daughter.).
— And to whom all worse?
— Dad. Because it is the symptom of all is closer.
(Grief over the death of the son of the father “pours” vodka. He didn't know then for my son and cannot forgive. There is a tendency for the care of life behind dead son).
What symptom is happening now?
Now he is as a person. He was about 15 years old.
— And what gender it is?
— He's male, but he squeaks like a little kid (the girl is now 14 – obvious identification with the brother).
— And what is he beeping?
— For help... maybe he was drowning... that's screaming to be rescued.
(The relationship of the symptom with the obvious brother – brother drowned).
— It's like the story with your brother?
— Mom about it, almost never speaks, and if we talk, it always cries a lot.
— He generally says nothing. Grandma said that dad brother and me were together...dad is gone... and when he came back – his brother had drowned.
Then it becomes clear what is happening in the picture No. 2.
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The wife blames the husband for the death of a child. Husband in a deep sense of guilt. In the pose of his wife – right. In a couple of “lightning”.
It becomes clear desire of the girls to become as good as her dead brother to finally mom and dad saw her. But mom and dad deep into his..
During the next consultation I asked her to draw a picture with non-existent animals.
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Rice. No. 5 “non-existent animal.”
She drew the two-headed cat. And told the following story:
Is such an animal – a cat who carries another cat.
— What's your name?
— When they are two... they may not be a name... or let it be so – “gizmo”.
— Probably not easy for one cat to wear another cat?
— Yeah, but he carries from childhood – used to have…
— How did it happen that from childhood he carries another cat?
— He must have made...or ask...in General... both of them bad.
— Why both?
— When you are always a genius, as my own life to live?
— Need to split up. To each his own body, his own head or their feet. His name is a good…
— ... and what are the three cherished desire Gismu?
— It has only one cherished desire – to separate them and they became two separate cats. And each cat would do all that he wanted. Would live on his own.
This example clearly shows how painfully perceived burden of the opponent's fate with a name. In Russia, very often name children in honor of the dead of the firstborn. And several times, to the kid that still survive. (For example, the first three babies died. They were all named after the first child. Born the fourth and it again named after the first child. He miraculously continues to live, but neither his life nor the lives of his children does not stack).
Experience with such children and adults have shown that depression is their normal state they are very difficult to deal with the life, they rarely create a married family, and if you create, you feel them deeply unhappy. In addition, it is often very painful, people, sluggish and depressed, or extremely aggressive.
In childhood and adolescence may be difficult to detect depression because such children are perceived by parents, educators and teachers positive: thoughtful, calm, quiet, humble, educated, compliant; can themselves take, etc. a Certain passivity in the behavior of the child is endorsed and supported.
Supervision of psychological practice: out of every 5 people seeking psychological help, about four named in someone's honor.
It's hard not to have his name, his destiny, his own place in the family. Giving the child a name in honor of a dear person (this may be their own parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts, first love, friends, dead children, etc.), we put the sound in a certain sense, the expectations, i.e. the program.
And now on a subconscious level our child is starting to replace us (return) the person in whose honor it is named. That is, when parents look at baby and ask him, really, in their soul, their aspirations are directed completely to the other person – besides, in honour of whom named the baby.
And now all expectations, the claims of the established relations will be implemented in communicating with this child. In other words, if we, for example, not enough father, our son, together with his name, mentally substitute our dear parent. For example, a mother may make a lot of claims and demands to the son, and in fact all expectations in her soul sent a completely different person – her father, and does not have the son of any relationship.
And the only thing you want mom to realize it lost love in the relationship with his own father. The same girl, named after her grandmother or great-grandmother, are likely to expect good parent relationship. In the relationship with her family will try to realize the love not received from their own mothers.
Child masterfully mimics the demands of your family is the conditions of survival. From the very first day of his life, he feels sure, for that its really appreciated. Growing up, the child will be struggling to meet “the challenge.” Because that's what he gets love, acceptance and the right to the belonging family. The only difference is that this place is not his, but the man in whose honor it was named.
How you will feel the baby around the clock are at a strange place in the role and responsibilities of a person who is several generations older him? Of course, bad! And then deep down the child experiences a sense of loneliness and fear (“me no, nobody's with me”), sense of great guilt, because no matter how he tries he can't replace the person in whose honor it was named. And especially not cope with its functions in relation to the members of his family.
These children at the reception, saying: “I Have the feeling that nobody wants me... I'm a bad loser,” or, “Everything I do, I do not” or “no one understands Me. I'm lonely,” or, “...I like all love, and feel like I'm not in love.” And then comes depression. Although everything looks exactly the opposite. Such children usually do not go unnoticed in his family. Love them very much. They need so much appreciate them, but that's them?
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Once to me on reception brought a teenage girl 13 years old. The mother reported that the girl is very painful, stopped to help any drugs. And to seek psychological help, they advised their physician. In addition, the mother was much troubled by inadequate attitude of the girl herself – she hated herself. The girl told about how she hates everything that has anything to do with it. It's all her things: clothes, school supplies, and the dish from which she eats, etc. “I even hate the place in the bus sit, because I sit on it”.
In the process it turned out that the girl called her grandmother in honor of his mother, i.e. the grandmother of a girl (the girl's grandmother lost her mother). But the main message from the family for the girls was: “You must be kind, gentle, caring and loving”. (I.e., perfect mother). In the family of the girl called “our happiness”. My question is: “What do you do when you feel angry?”. The girl said: “to be Angry is not good...actually I'm not mad”.
and does it hurt?
— sometimes long...... me all the love…
The girl, at the time of our meeting, there were seven chronic diseases, constant anxiety, fear, drowsiness, fatigue, headaches and causeless tears. At school the girl studied a week in two two weeks she was sick. And that's not counting the two months of the year when she was in the hospital. As it turned out, more than half of the diseases of the girls are exactly the same as her great-grandmother, and among them those that usually appear only in adulthood.
In the process of psychotherapeutic work with mother and daughter the child's psychological condition improved significantly. The girl herself began to choose their own clothes at the store, she had her favorite things. Improved mood, anxiety became manageable and has decreased significantly. And after some time at the next meeting, the mother said: “All diseases as if time ceased, they have, but no longer actively attack the body of his daughter. And the drugs, previously prescribed by doctors, suddenly started to act.”
Want to comment on this case because it vividly illustrates the processes occurring in humans, named in someone's honor.
Along with prababushkin name girl hierarchically ranked levels on the three generations above her, but her natural, personal resources are not enough for the maintenance of this place in the family system. Because the law of life States: the parents give the children resource. Those growing up, give the resource to their children. And just the way life goes in the family.
Hierarchically, taking the place of the grandmother, the little girl started to give a resource to a grandmother, daughter, and mother, as a granddaughter. Now it was her unconscious attitude towards life in General. (In the end, the girl became the mother not only for grandmothers, mothers and the household, but for every person she met in real life). This situation was complicated and her relationship with their parents, because taking the place of the grandmother, for her parents she became invisible. But her parents could not understand why their daughter constantly asks them: “do You love me?”.
Substituting in the generic system great-grandmother, she had to abandon herself. Along with the name she had a different destiny and a different mission, and thus other tasks. But, as the child from infancy are included in the substitution process, and other he does not know the level of consciousness, it is taken for granted. And on an unconscious level accumulating anger for the deprivation of their own destiny, anger at the person who gave the “heavy” name, and at her mother for agreeing with this.
The expression of such anger in society tabulated. Then she goes into autoaggression, i.e. the anger directed at himself. The girl she was in lot of ailments. Resources on health and education did not. The situation is twofold – on the one hand there is a child, his love, appreciate, pay a lot of attention, but on the other hand, most girls like she's like no one knows, and her home through interaction with her actually interact with her great-grandmother. Ie all the attention directed toward the child actually goes to another place, passing in transit.
The kid very well feels that he lacks the focus and energy of love. Get it as a child, ie, just like that, he can't, because the effect name (weave) the child is no longer. Now attention and love must be earned, and earning it can only price a perfect execution of the role of the person after whom you were named.
My grandmother does not have a relationship with her mother – the flow of love is interrupted. This means that the girl's mother also did not have enough love in your relationship with your mother, so it is also difficult to pass on to her daughter. Then, naming the baby after great-grandmother, grandmother as if restores the interrupted flow of love, “returning” my grandmother on my place, and now replaces the granddaughter grandmother, her mother.
Only now, to receive love and attention from mom and grandma, the girl is supposed to play the role of grandmother to mother and grandmother received from her what is not received from their mothers care, attention, joy, understanding, support and love. Here the circle closes. The more the child's need for the resource, energy (and with age, this need is growing), the harder it is to get approval, attention, but all the energy passes by him, she takes in the problematic relationship (weave), in which the child was included.
Thus it turns out, the more the child gives, the less he gets. All of these processes occur unconsciously and access is difficult. So people abandon them can not. And besides, the whole situation is further complicated by the fact that it is supported as a positive, all members of the family system (“It's very good that you're named after so-and-so”).
At the reception, the mothers of such children usually speak about reduced immunity, lethargy, depression, drowsiness, scattered attention, reduced self-esteem, tendency to irritation, slowness. Or are children with high trauma, touchy, irritable, with outbursts of aggression. With adults, these children feel equal and above. In the family it may be dictators or overly caring and understands everything, but is extremely painful children.
It is important to note that regardless of who named the child, as well as in honor of a living or a dead person, depression (and constant desire to sleep) or inappropriate aggression met almost all children and adults who have been named in someone's honor.
Of course, any of these symptoms occur in children and in adults, is not named in someone's honor, it's their problem related to other topics, but among the people bearing the “foreign” name, such symptoms associated with their name. Ie, the name became a source platform to further problems.
Not always the child repeats the fate of the man in whose honor it was named. But experience has shown that the fate of the person whose name the child has an impact. And repeat the key moments of fate: of illness, death, early loss, loneliness, divorce, financial condition, profession, situation in the family, etc.
In addition, the society, the child will act according to the role that he has in his family (e.g., “mother”, in relation to all). This role is hierarchically more significant than its biological age. Therefore, as a consequence, there are problems in communication with peers. These children feel much more significant and older than my classmates, which eventually leads to loneliness.
Once to me brought the boy 8 years old. My question is, what bothers the mother, she wept and said, “Everything.” It turned out that the first concussion, her son received in ten months, second a year later. On account of the child nine broken bones, countless sprains, burns, cuts, various injuries as a result of incessant accidents. My question to the boy: “I am fascinated and happy?” he with replied, “take chances!”
— and what's the risk?
— jump from the roof of the garage, under water for a long time don't breathe the boys suffer pain, who endure more – will generated.
It turned out, the boy's father lost his best friend in the war. According to mom, her husband is still a huge pain to say about this loss. His son he was named after best friend, who was killed in the “hot spot”. Now the boy with all his injuries shows the movement in death.
He replaces like for dad and his best friend. After placement of the father and mother of the boy has a lot. Two months later, the boy's mother reported that during this period the child is never damaged, and most importantly – have ceased to play games associated with risk. In addition, the father treated the son is less critical.
Similar cases are very common and in group work with older people. A woman of 53 years. Never been married, never had children and is still a feared partnership. In the work it turned out that she was named after her own aunt, who died at a young age from illness, leaving four minor children.
Her aunt, realizing he was dying, leaving young children, was in despair. In the end, with the name of the aunt of the woman moved the main program: “do Not marry, not have children so as not to feel the pain”. After a few setups the woman said that now she has a friend and changed the mood: “Just now felt alive. Breathe deeply and without fear”.
Male 47 years addressed the problem of depression, insomnia and wanton aggression. In the process, it became clear that the more a man weighed down by a sense of “wonder of life lived”. It did not take place in the profession – received a specialty that he was not interested, and engaged in business, which tires him and takes a lot of effort.
The man said that he always wanted to become a doctor and even four times to enter a medical Institute, but failed. It turned out that his mom named him after a doctor who was highly respected – he loved her. With this name, without knowing it, man has struggled to repeat the fate of the doctor.
He could not choose a profession that was to his liking, because his program said: “Your life will be when you become a doctor. Only it makes sense. Only then can we earn people's respect and acceptance of the mother.”
After placement, about a month later, the man reported that his condition has improved significantly, and most importantly – he changed jobs.
Quite often there are cases when fathers or mothers call daughters or sons after his first love. Such children, as adults, have great difficulty in creating their own families, because their mission is to be a “partner” for the beloved parent.
Often happens when sons are named after fathers. These clients say that their life is eternal follow in his father's footsteps, often against their own will. Or, conversely, the eternal struggle with his authority.
Male 36 years old has addressed with the problem is incredible fatigue (to sleep, he needed about 14 hours), constant sleepiness, depression, inability to find a job and a wife. In the process it turned out that it was called grandma in honor of his father, i.e. the grandfather of a man (“Because he was very good”).
The man lived the life of his grandfather, i.e. psychologically he was father to my grandmother and father and grandfather to his mother (husband's grandmother died early, i.e. the man's mother grew up without a father). In addition, the situation was exacerbated by the divorce of the parents of a male in his early age. This meant that the place of a husband for his mother had to take him too.
It is clear that resources for such “work” is not enough. But forces in his life did not exist. After the first placement, after a few days, the man reported that getting up was easy, there was a feeling of joy. Some time later, constellation work (it took about four months) work and live, he became separate from his mother.
The tradition called “honor” in Russia is quite common. This trend is due to historically – there were too many losses during the war. Therefore, giving the child a name in honor of his father, mother, or other relative of the deceased, tried to get the man for yourself in life. And the pain of loss was so great that nothing else mattered.
At all times the life in the country was unpredictable and heavy. Children were named after people whose destiny has developed successfully: longevity, good character, good marriage, good fortune or was healthy, wise, funny, beautiful, etc. Mother (or relatives) wanted to protect the unborn child from his unpredictable fate. To protect yourself from tragedies in his life. Like the name was passed on the immunity of survival.
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But the name given in honor of anyone, even the most beloved and remarkable man, involves a rejection of the child from his own destiny, mission, and power. Therefore, living the fate of another name, life feels like neprivodimye cargo, and people trying to find the weight of the excuse – “it's my karma” and encourages himself with the words: “And who is now easy?”. Continuing to respond to someone else's name as his own, he deep down knows the price of having someone else's fate.
And as shiny tears of sweet release, when a person finally acquires his own name, his fate, his place in life. Because it is easy and joyfully given only what belongs to you. You're the only one!