Belt mother: Projection and Shadow
Here's what I will describe my vision of the situation through the prism of individual and group psychotherapy for adults, which I led, taught and supervisional more than 10 years. I'm not a theorist, and pure practices, it is difficult to generalize, every situation is unique and psyche of each client choose their own path spravleniya with the situation and the behaviour of each mother was due to unique circumstances. But something in common is, we try to grasp it.
The most important factor here is that the mother and the daughter of one gender, the winner of the women's bodies and feminines, the Yin energy.
Daughter could potentially also be a mother, wife, and largely repeats his own mother, genetically, emotionally and psychologically. Even those who brought up his birth mother, still bear the traits biological. What is this, such a simple thing pay attention? Mother and daughter alike. This means that mother daughter will sometimes see myself, how in the mirror.
And here if mother could see their daughter only the best, its features, and then you can see its weak, and even negative, did not approve of her hand. Psychological language, the mother can easily "project" the daughter of their traits, character, psychological features, especially painted "cockroaches" and injuries.
Now, mother something projected on the daughter at all is not working. They are of one flesh and blood and my daughter also copies with moms of their behavior.Called "imitation via mirror neurons".
Licks everything, from movements to tone, to character traits and reactions. And, in addition, mother does not want to daughter "repeated the path and the error" of her and will try a daughter to protect. This what? Yes, the fact that it is annoying in itself consciously and, even sadder, not consciously, that are driven deep into the unconscious, into the Shadows.
What does the "education belt", then? Yes, as in my case, the General message: "I'll beat the shit out of you!" Well, it meant everything that a mother is trying to suppress, not to touch. This does not mean that this quality is directly radiate from the mother, it only means that the theme for her unbearable. Total and beyond. Example:
an Adult client was a woman in childhood had been in the same situation. For example, a girl did something, failed and feels helpless. Crumbled, only crying, hysteria or even fell into a stupor of depression. The mother looks at the daughter and sees the hunched-up figure, whimpering and completely devastated. Little body girl shows that surrendered. The "healthy" mother is a natural reaction — to come and hug, give support, maternal warmth. But...
And for a moment imagine it is quite a common situation when our mother was still a child and lived in a family where the father drank and been aggressive. Agree, the USSR is quite a common phenomenon. Mother, grandmother of our girl, and be glad were getting a divorce, to get away from this man together with children. But in the scoop kvartiry question too spoiled, if you remember the words of Woland. Where would she go? And how society would react? The Communist party, which approved divorce. And the parents would have said? But the overarching message is: "Better this than no one! Where do you find another?"
I Soviet times (the grandmother of the client) continues to live with the husband, suffers because "God suffered and to us ordered". And the energy fades and fades. Joy, happiness, replaced by routine, gray weekdays.Body energy is depleted, sometimes tearing sobs, sometimes it turns into stone or just spread out on the couch like a jellyfish.
We have a body already met? So in the story of our client when she was a girl. Remember where she collapsed and surrendered. Mom sees our girl in this state, and within it emerges another, the same helpless body of her own mother, surrendered, helpless to change the situation, to divorce and to leave. Grandmother and granddaughter for mother our client at this moment in the psyche of one "helpless body, being incapable to make a decision to break the situation."
For a child to see his mother in a helpless condition unbearable. The mother is the most reliable, safe Harbor, support and resource. The mother gave birth, in the womb were given to experience a sense of security and Paradise, fed and gave warmth after birth. The child wants to see her all-powerful, all coping. He wants to see his mother happy, to be happy with her. And baby, every, without exception, instinctively loves his mother.Don't believe? I've been to an orphanage, when my mother worked there and saw with my own eyes how children of mothers that they are tortured, abandoned, humiliated still conucil "I want mommy!".
Although not bad the orphanage was, and obviously parental rights was for the mother to deprive. But almost every day the children ran away and were removed from freight trains as they rode home to the mother. Loved no matter what!
And as the mother of our client, being then the girl could help my helpless mother? As the love of a daughter could at least a little bit to ease the pain, the impossibility of existence of the native creatures in this World? Devotion. To sit next to and mirror the pose. Bristling at the hem of mom and along with her cry. To listen mother watch as the hard. Stop running around the house, play and enjoy. Begin to blame the father, sharing mother's anger, for example, when he got drunk. To do the housework so mom was easy, instead of the festivals, games with friends.
But it works if such "support" of a child towards her mother? Most likely it somehow eases the suffering of the mother, it is not so strongly feels "all alone in the world." Maybe she'll even turn her in "girlfriend". However, whether to leave the topic of besplanoe of her life? No. And then I experienced the girl who helped your mother? His own helplessness.
Mom's life will remain in grey or even black tones, and hence the girl's life is also not very happy. It is very difficult to be happy when your favorite person is in bad condition. And the girl's body, her condition, her energy will periodically take the pose of a helpless mother, and his helplessness, too. And if the father is aggressive and his daughter, and the mother goes, the child then does not see the lumen and the state of devastation, powerlessness he provided.
Of course, if the girl doesn't shut off the feelings and didn't become a Hero, who can overcome everything. "I can handle it I can handle it! I'm not as helpless as my mother." And she stands between the father and mother in their conflicts.She handles herself with all the chores.She "adopts" his own helpless mother.
What happens when you grow up, our "Hero"? A lot of options. Here is a typical. May continue all his life to catch him, becoming the head of the family. Options life? Her husband was an alcoholic. A single mother. Infinite care for sick relatives. Head, not getting out from work.
Would she be happy? "What is happiness? Need to get together to do business!". Will she be able enough to relax and let go of the situation? Unlikely. "If you let go, how will it work?".
But if so much to drag all on itself, that body is? Periodically, screams, falls, gets sick. Or challenge do not want to run. Or people let you down. Then on the horizon looms the theme of "helplessness", which is necessary to drive from itself, and as far as possible. Why?Pain. It's insanely painful when you love my mother and can't help her.
It hurts when you want to walk and wyndley to save mom and the situation. And it hurts, but not exactly available in the consciousness of the child when you betray yourself, "docarea" helpless mother. Pain from work a lightning rod in the conflict with his father. The pain from working maid, housekeeper, nanny brothers and sisters, rabotye
The girl betrays itself, starting to live a "miserable life" of his mother. And more likely that she will start to hate yourself for not being able to help my mom. Father, that the mother brings to this state. My mother, for not can pull myself together and leave.And most importantly, she will start to hate... "helplessness" — a figure for which they are so unhappy.
And so the girl grew up. Her mother was already a grandmother. My daughter grew up, maybe went to school there and give the tough assignments, homework, outside the window of a depressive autumn rains, it gets dark early. The child is tired and unable to cope. Tries, but not out. Crying and helplessness to give up. Wouldn't it be great if I hugged my mom...Hug??? Hug "the shape of helplessness". "Yes, I HATE this helplessness! She stole my mother stole my childhood, stole the happiness!".
"What are you doing!? Go do your homework! What do you as a weakling!? Get up I told you!... Will you listen to your mother!? Just going to lie there all day?!". And God forbid her daughter to continue to lie. And God forbid the girl to cry, or fear, to shrink, to curl up in a ball and thus enhance the bodily "figure of helplessness".
"I'll never be like my mother!" — said once the mother of our client's childhood — "I'll never be helpless." And, as the theme of "helplessness" has not been lived, otreagirovana, it is driven deep into the unconscious, in the shadow of the mother of our client for a period of her childhood.The important thing now inside mom: STOP any feelings, experiences, reminiscent about my childhood, about a family where there was so much helplessness and, therefore, not to give PAIN to emerge.
Her own pains, her mother, perhaps the pain of his father, brothers and sisters. How to stop the danger of collision with pain from the past? The simplest solution is to change the fact that the mother now sees a trigger. To remove the "button" that presses on the Pain of the Past. It is necessary to "kill" the hated figure of "helplessness". A "button" is a girl who took a bodily form similar to my grandmother-in-helplessness. Most people that would be like.
The only trouble is that it's her own daughter now in helplessness. However, the Cry of Pain inside of the mother shouts: "Remove this condition inside me, I can't stand! I'm HELPLESS to cope with the flood of feelings!". And, like so strong, our mother goes through this state of "I can't do it". Even if outwardly it looks like a flint, thunder storm inside her, she did not able to oppose the Shadow that runs to the surface. Shadow pushed, pounded very deep in the unconscious. Adult woman again covers the horror of the children's condition.
"Stop whining, I told you!" — voice of mother. And what are the options a girl, who can not cope with the school load? Girl that is the last thing he wants to upset his mother. Here so to take and "stop helplessness"? STOP IT! ? Jump pickle and then all the lessons to do with a Buddha smile on his lips?She's a child! It is difficult, it is necessary that hugged her mom. And my mother we where? Yes, that's there in the distant helpless childhood. In the depths of your unconscious. Now her daughter is a "button" to press at her own helplessness.
III. Whoosh... Whoosh... Hear the sounds of the belt. The cry of a woman at the level of the ambulance siren in decibels. Or mom shakes baby for the breast. Or slap. Or dragged somewhere by her hair. Or something started... She has no idea what he's doing. Just disable the "button".
What is our girl, the future client of a psychologist? Got... the support from your mom? Helplessness vanished? Happiness returned? And gets a beating because the "grandmother", but does she know about this? What she sees in front of him? The angry mother.
If the girl understands why a mother brutalized? In 7 years, not so much mental resources to conduct a causal relationship. Sorry, since I have first degree in the faculty of Law of Moscow state University, I often refer to the legal term "capacity". We have it in 18 years is coming, and in the US, fully as much in 21 years.
Capacity is the ability of a person by their actions acquire and exercise rights and responsibilities. It is directly dependent on a person's ability to understand the consequences of their actions. Partial law is set at 14 years, partly in 16. Well, on average, of course. Psychophysiology, experts have determined.
And the girl most likely is your child's mind drawing Parallels, "I have something wrong done, once mom gets angry and even grabbed the strap". My daughter also "lost" with the lessons, situation, condition. It is unlikely to ever be able to understand that in a state of "helplessness" is. And you know that it was her mother's helpless, about his Shadow, his inner world?
What about me I say girl most likely? "I'm bad!". And what would she do to "be good" for mom and not to receive blows and screaming? There are options, but most often I have met clients that the girl began to control their state of "helplessness". Make the lessons longer and better. Not a whimper and a little less lying on the couch in the dreary position. Not to argue with mom when she calls to start something urgent to do. Pretend that you are always happy and happy.
The saddest thing is that often girls accept a "solution" (unconscious, of course) not to complain to my mother if something does not work, something a girl can not cope. "I will decide myself! I'm responsible for everything that happens to me!". In any case not to upset the mother of his depressive States, it is better to show that you are always on top, elated.
"Something happened," asked mother, seeing her daughter upset. "No, all right, all right," replies the little girl on her face may even bloom smile. Good quality, smile, smile of the Buddha even when you feel bad?.. The Eastern religions teach, in my Ashram for sure. It is only addressed to adults. The child must be immediate, to live what is lived.
And the woman was a client we have in psychotherapy. For me, and then her Higher Power helped, showing the road to healing. Not everyone will come to believe in psychologist. Not everyone will agree to look into his own Shadow, where a ton of Pain. Then the Almighty and it gave strength and support. Supported her will to liberation of the figure "grandmother", which is maybe alive, no, but her Ghost still looms.
And it's really for the client's COURAGE! Because going to the psychologist, is the acceptance that: "I am HELPLESS and I need professional help". For such clients, it is a sign of inner Strength, perhaps a sign of Love, the desire to break the cycle and not pass on, his daughter, the subject of "helplessness".
Maybe she took the same decision: "I will not like her mother and grabbing the belt", but Shadow took over and the client caught myself aggression against the daughter he loves. In any case, she fights for herself, for children, for relationships, for happiness. And most importantly now, in this moment, take this "I'm helpless" and to accept help where it never was. published
Author: Andrey Vishnyakov
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©