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Mikhail Litvak: Almost all spouses do not want to repeat their marriage.
Almost all spouses do not want to repeat their marriage. For every 100 marriages in our country, there are actually 100 divorces, spouses subconsciously hate each other, and parents in most cases do not love their children.
Love by the Rules and Without, directed by Nancy Myers
- What do you think love is?
- Fromm defines love as an active interest in the life and development of the object of love. (We often confuse love with sex.) For example, you can determine whether the mother loves the child or not.
Love is not giving expensive gifts, but a kind of educational process, as a result of which the child becomes more and more independent. If a child is 10 years old and does not know how to do anything, then his mother does not like him. Love in a broad sense can even be classified.
- Interesting.
- The basic love is self-love. She's the most important. This is not so much a feeling as an action. I do physical education, that is, I develop myself. So I do. If I go to school, I love it too. I don't like vodka. Because vodka is ruining my health. In erotic love, self-love is also fundamental. If I don’t love myself and suddenly fall in love with a woman, then as an honest person, I have to leave her.
-?
- Well, if I don't love myself, then I'm sorry for the expression - shit, and shit to a loved one is not sold.
- What kind of love is there?
- When we are little, we need a mother’s love. Then the father's, then the erotic. There is also love for God, for the truth. And only in erotic love is there sex. Sex is only one form of expression of love. The child needs a mother’s love. No reason, not for merit. Unfortunately, most of us did not receive this love as children.
- Most mothers don't like their children?
- In a way, yes. If the mother is demonstratively dissatisfied with the behavior of the child, then he often begins to behave as the mother needs it. Maybe he doesn't need it himself. Some psychologists have gone further and divided maternal and fatherly love into infantile and mature love.
Infantile maternal love should last up to a year. At this time, the mother keeps the child near her, he can always find her protection. Then comes the period of mature love: the mother gradually releases the child. But many, alas, keep children with them longer than necessary, sometimes they are escorted to school until the final classes. And then the person becomes dependent. He always needs a leader to lead him.
- What is fatherly love?
- He loves the child not for nothing, but for something. Infantile fatherly love - do as I do. It is necessary for acquiring skills. The child comes to his father and says, I did this. Father approves, good for what he did.
Infantile fatherly love is needed up to 7-8 years. And then there comes the time of maturity - do what you want, you're smart. Otherwise, the child is deprived of creativity and only repeats what others do. By the way, mature fatherly love is very rare. Often asked the question: what if a woman raises a child alone? So he does not need mom and dad, but mother and father love. And mom needs to learn how to give them.
- You spoke of love for God and truth.
- It's the same thing. Plato is my friend, but truth is dearer. As much as I love you, if you say something that is not true from my point of view, I will object. You tell me that the Earth stands on three whales. And I say the Earth is round and spinning. But that doesn't mean I don't love you. Many people see disagreement as hostility. And the lack of love leads to very serious consequences - to neuroses, suspicion, in general to improper behavior.
A neurotic person makes demands on a loved one that cannot be satisfied. For example, he thinks he should be loved. The woman is sure that the husband should guess what flowers to bring her, what gift to make. How do I know I have to scratch my beloved under my left shoulder blade if she doesn't tell me?
- What is the behavior of a healthy person, not a neurotic?
- His principle in relation to his partner - let's pull the strap of life together. By the way, we did one study. They asked women what explanation of love they liked best. There were four options: “I’ve never seen someone as beautiful as you.” "I need you." "I'll carry you in my arms." And "let's pull the strap of life together."
No one liked the fourth option. But let's think about it.
“I’ve never seen such a beautiful woman” – this explains the womanizer.
"I need you" is explained by an underdog, possibly an alcoholic.
Love is an active interest in the life and development of the object of love. I will say the paradoxical thing: there are no tragedies in love. Unrequited love is bullshit. A loved one cannot become an inalienable need. Without water a man will die, but without love he will not.
- The third option, what does it mean?
- "Wear it all the time?" That's impossible. If I carry a man in my arms, he will cease to develop.
- So, pulling the strap of life is a manifestation of true love?
- It means that I tell my woman: you are reliable, smart, smart, businesslike. And I'm ready to help you with anything. I think that's the strongest explanation of love. And they say, oh, it's not romantic. People do not know how to love themselves or others. What a romance.
To be honest, we don’t have families. People live in the same territory, isolated from each other. Like a joke. A man was walking for his birthday. He had little money and wanted to buy an expensive gift. I went to an antique shop. They say we have an old vase broken. You can buy it for pennies like a scrap. We'll wrap it up, you'll serve it, drop it, smash it, and everyone will see how expensive the gift was. He agreed, bought, filed, dropped. And when they turned around, it turned out that each half was wrapped separately.
Here are our families, people together hold only the outer shell. I studied families where marriage lasted 10 or 15 years, and asked a question like this: Would you marry your husband now, but only it would happen again? Only 5% of men did not regret marrying this woman and 9% of women. Only three couples were happy. And everyone has the same story. Like Tolstoy, all families are equally happy. Only now I have scientific proof.
- Tell me the same story.
- They worked in the same facility in adjacent rooms. Collaborated, experienced some sympathy for each other, not even sexual. I never thought we could be together. And then there was a fire, and they were saving documents together. Then I had to wash somewhere, and she lived next door. And without a second thought, she invited him to her house. And he stayed. They were tested by the case! The marriage was strong and happy.
Family is production. And there have to be very qualified people. Marry a man who can feed himself, his wife and children from this marriage. But a woman has the right to marry if she can feed herself, her children and her husband, if, God forbid, something happens to him.
- Do happy couples find each other at work?
- It turns out so. Because that's where the lice test usually takes place. There are different circumstances in the family. Sexual relations have five stages. The first stage is the ideator stage. I looked at the woman, I liked it. The second stage is production. We do something together. The third is presexual. The fourth is sex. And then the fifth stage is post-sexual.
So that's the whole point. True feelings are what remains after good sex. Passion is a burning tree from which coals remain. Coal is love. And love is stingy on external expressions of feelings. In us, external manifestations are cultivated, and a person gets used to violently expressing his feelings, although the feelings themselves disappear.
- You once wrote that man is responsible for choosing the object of love.
- Of course he is. I liked the woman. But we have to keep watching. There may be bodily discrepancies, for this there is sexual intelligence, for example, dancing. Then we need to consider whether this person can be relied on in a difficult time. Oaths won't help. If she can’t do anything, she won’t do anything in a difficult moment.
- What if you fell in love at first sight?
- There is no love at first sight. The object of love is prepared by genetics and upbringing. There is always an image of a woman. No disease suddenly begins, there is always an incubation period when a person feels more or less healthy. So it is. That’s why good education is important. When the mother is smart, the boy will choose the same wife and will not go wrong. And a girl, if she has a good father, if she doesn't get in touch with anyone.
- Does love pass?
- Of course it does. I loved a man the way he is now. And 50 years can only be happy if I change and my wife changes.
- Did you and your spouse change each time?
- You have to change if you want to save your marriage. You can't listen to the same old record forever, no matter how good it is. People either change themselves or change their wives and husbands. For the union to be strong, both must develop. The husband went up and pulled his wife. Then the wife got up, the husband reached for her. Otherwise marriages fall apart.
- There are people who believe that they are not made for love, for family.
- It's not normal. You need to live in pairs. That's how nature made us. One or two failures, and a person sometimes wears a shell. No one can prick you, but no one can pet you. published
Author: Mikhail Litvak
P.S. And remember, just changing our consciousness – together we change the world!
Source: litvak.me/statyi/article_post/lyubit-po-russki
Love by the Rules and Without, directed by Nancy Myers
- What do you think love is?
- Fromm defines love as an active interest in the life and development of the object of love. (We often confuse love with sex.) For example, you can determine whether the mother loves the child or not.
Love is not giving expensive gifts, but a kind of educational process, as a result of which the child becomes more and more independent. If a child is 10 years old and does not know how to do anything, then his mother does not like him. Love in a broad sense can even be classified.
- Interesting.
- The basic love is self-love. She's the most important. This is not so much a feeling as an action. I do physical education, that is, I develop myself. So I do. If I go to school, I love it too. I don't like vodka. Because vodka is ruining my health. In erotic love, self-love is also fundamental. If I don’t love myself and suddenly fall in love with a woman, then as an honest person, I have to leave her.
-?
- Well, if I don't love myself, then I'm sorry for the expression - shit, and shit to a loved one is not sold.
- What kind of love is there?
- When we are little, we need a mother’s love. Then the father's, then the erotic. There is also love for God, for the truth. And only in erotic love is there sex. Sex is only one form of expression of love. The child needs a mother’s love. No reason, not for merit. Unfortunately, most of us did not receive this love as children.
- Most mothers don't like their children?
- In a way, yes. If the mother is demonstratively dissatisfied with the behavior of the child, then he often begins to behave as the mother needs it. Maybe he doesn't need it himself. Some psychologists have gone further and divided maternal and fatherly love into infantile and mature love.
Infantile maternal love should last up to a year. At this time, the mother keeps the child near her, he can always find her protection. Then comes the period of mature love: the mother gradually releases the child. But many, alas, keep children with them longer than necessary, sometimes they are escorted to school until the final classes. And then the person becomes dependent. He always needs a leader to lead him.
- What is fatherly love?
- He loves the child not for nothing, but for something. Infantile fatherly love - do as I do. It is necessary for acquiring skills. The child comes to his father and says, I did this. Father approves, good for what he did.
Infantile fatherly love is needed up to 7-8 years. And then there comes the time of maturity - do what you want, you're smart. Otherwise, the child is deprived of creativity and only repeats what others do. By the way, mature fatherly love is very rare. Often asked the question: what if a woman raises a child alone? So he does not need mom and dad, but mother and father love. And mom needs to learn how to give them.
- You spoke of love for God and truth.
- It's the same thing. Plato is my friend, but truth is dearer. As much as I love you, if you say something that is not true from my point of view, I will object. You tell me that the Earth stands on three whales. And I say the Earth is round and spinning. But that doesn't mean I don't love you. Many people see disagreement as hostility. And the lack of love leads to very serious consequences - to neuroses, suspicion, in general to improper behavior.
A neurotic person makes demands on a loved one that cannot be satisfied. For example, he thinks he should be loved. The woman is sure that the husband should guess what flowers to bring her, what gift to make. How do I know I have to scratch my beloved under my left shoulder blade if she doesn't tell me?
- What is the behavior of a healthy person, not a neurotic?
- His principle in relation to his partner - let's pull the strap of life together. By the way, we did one study. They asked women what explanation of love they liked best. There were four options: “I’ve never seen someone as beautiful as you.” "I need you." "I'll carry you in my arms." And "let's pull the strap of life together."
No one liked the fourth option. But let's think about it.
“I’ve never seen such a beautiful woman” – this explains the womanizer.
"I need you" is explained by an underdog, possibly an alcoholic.
Love is an active interest in the life and development of the object of love. I will say the paradoxical thing: there are no tragedies in love. Unrequited love is bullshit. A loved one cannot become an inalienable need. Without water a man will die, but without love he will not.
- The third option, what does it mean?
- "Wear it all the time?" That's impossible. If I carry a man in my arms, he will cease to develop.
- So, pulling the strap of life is a manifestation of true love?
- It means that I tell my woman: you are reliable, smart, smart, businesslike. And I'm ready to help you with anything. I think that's the strongest explanation of love. And they say, oh, it's not romantic. People do not know how to love themselves or others. What a romance.
To be honest, we don’t have families. People live in the same territory, isolated from each other. Like a joke. A man was walking for his birthday. He had little money and wanted to buy an expensive gift. I went to an antique shop. They say we have an old vase broken. You can buy it for pennies like a scrap. We'll wrap it up, you'll serve it, drop it, smash it, and everyone will see how expensive the gift was. He agreed, bought, filed, dropped. And when they turned around, it turned out that each half was wrapped separately.
Here are our families, people together hold only the outer shell. I studied families where marriage lasted 10 or 15 years, and asked a question like this: Would you marry your husband now, but only it would happen again? Only 5% of men did not regret marrying this woman and 9% of women. Only three couples were happy. And everyone has the same story. Like Tolstoy, all families are equally happy. Only now I have scientific proof.
- Tell me the same story.
- They worked in the same facility in adjacent rooms. Collaborated, experienced some sympathy for each other, not even sexual. I never thought we could be together. And then there was a fire, and they were saving documents together. Then I had to wash somewhere, and she lived next door. And without a second thought, she invited him to her house. And he stayed. They were tested by the case! The marriage was strong and happy.
Family is production. And there have to be very qualified people. Marry a man who can feed himself, his wife and children from this marriage. But a woman has the right to marry if she can feed herself, her children and her husband, if, God forbid, something happens to him.
- Do happy couples find each other at work?
- It turns out so. Because that's where the lice test usually takes place. There are different circumstances in the family. Sexual relations have five stages. The first stage is the ideator stage. I looked at the woman, I liked it. The second stage is production. We do something together. The third is presexual. The fourth is sex. And then the fifth stage is post-sexual.
So that's the whole point. True feelings are what remains after good sex. Passion is a burning tree from which coals remain. Coal is love. And love is stingy on external expressions of feelings. In us, external manifestations are cultivated, and a person gets used to violently expressing his feelings, although the feelings themselves disappear.
- You once wrote that man is responsible for choosing the object of love.
- Of course he is. I liked the woman. But we have to keep watching. There may be bodily discrepancies, for this there is sexual intelligence, for example, dancing. Then we need to consider whether this person can be relied on in a difficult time. Oaths won't help. If she can’t do anything, she won’t do anything in a difficult moment.
- What if you fell in love at first sight?
- There is no love at first sight. The object of love is prepared by genetics and upbringing. There is always an image of a woman. No disease suddenly begins, there is always an incubation period when a person feels more or less healthy. So it is. That’s why good education is important. When the mother is smart, the boy will choose the same wife and will not go wrong. And a girl, if she has a good father, if she doesn't get in touch with anyone.
- Does love pass?
- Of course it does. I loved a man the way he is now. And 50 years can only be happy if I change and my wife changes.
- Did you and your spouse change each time?
- You have to change if you want to save your marriage. You can't listen to the same old record forever, no matter how good it is. People either change themselves or change their wives and husbands. For the union to be strong, both must develop. The husband went up and pulled his wife. Then the wife got up, the husband reached for her. Otherwise marriages fall apart.
- There are people who believe that they are not made for love, for family.
- It's not normal. You need to live in pairs. That's how nature made us. One or two failures, and a person sometimes wears a shell. No one can prick you, but no one can pet you. published
Author: Mikhail Litvak
P.S. And remember, just changing our consciousness – together we change the world!
Source: litvak.me/statyi/article_post/lyubit-po-russki
