Relationship with a married lover

What motivates a married man to seek mistresses?

General answer — immaturity, "neutralist". Immaturity is a complex concept that includes many emotional and personality characteristics. In this case, I mean the aspect of escape from problems or difficult experiences and the consequent reluctance to take responsibility for their lives into their own hands.

Seventeen million seven hundred eighty two thousand three hundred eleven

In our modern society under the influence of advertising, TV series and fiction formed a stereotype, which can be expressed as the least ambiguous and provocative statement by one of modern popular writer, "Man shall not suffer." The ambiguity here is that "suffer" is by analogy with the passive voice of the Russian language, something that is happening to me in addition to my desire. Should is about what is in my power. It turns out that I "shouldn't" do what's happening to me against my will. This, frankly, proud position has a loophole, a way out: to escape from these problems, from these experiences, and in the end, from this life. For a married man is, above all, an escape from family problems, creating a kind of idyllic appear that perhaps "family happiness" without babies, without ever unhappy wife, without the intervention in the family life of the parents of his wife (and sometimes his), no sexual problems, and pressure of responsibility.

But there are special cases: like in the family "all is well", and the man still gets a mistress. For example, it may be the case of so-called "collectors" — which, because of any circumstances married, but "collection" is still not collected.

Sometimes a simple argument — "a man can be everything". These usually loyalty a constant lover is not burdened, and communication with them is fleeting — just sex, nothing personal. This case is not just immaturity, and nesformirovannost moral values, and such a person, as a rule, special experiences, no one hand at parting causes. He does not allow close emotional ties because of its Conjoint — an escape from feelings of deep inferiority, from a sense that as such he is nothing and useless, and she is not interesting.

Another option — people together lived a long life, raised children and grandchildren will be here, and suddenly the husband says something like the following: "our marriage was a mistake, I finally found my true soul mate (as a rule — his former student, or the daughter of friends, or a young colleague at work), have been living with you and her, but I'm tired of this life and don't want to be unfair to you, so telling you this and moving to live with her". What makes a man to betray his wife and abandon all that was good in life together (and thus give up part of yourself and your life) and surround yourself with young creatures? This effect is very strong fear — the fear of death. And the associated feelings that something in my life was wrong, that I did something very important that the forces are not the same and that life is drawing to a close. "No, it's not coming!"says the gray-haired husband. "My young wife will give me strength, and give your youth and I will not make the same mistakes!"(It may happen that the appearance of signs of aging this young lady, she is also declared a "mistake" and is still younger).

Now back to the situation: an ordinary young man, an ordinary girl, who love each other get married. No sense of inferiority is not suffering, no one thinks the marriage was a mistake, and suddenly a surprise: he had a mistress! Why? For the answer we need to know that the family, as people, going through several stages of development, or his life. I propose to consider some initial steps that will be clear, what relation to spouse and what behavior leads to cheating.

Premarital relations. Young people swear each other eternal love and I do not see any shortcomings of the partner. Because of this uncritical perception of the other some experts compare the state of love with madness. There seems to be no infidelity should not be, however, in this period the foundations are laid for future issues.

The first danger is that we do not realize why we need a partner. If creating a family is one question. But if in order to escape from problems at home? In order that no matter what, but to change your life? Then we create a solid Foundation for after love came the emptiness. In this case, the value of a spouse only in the fact that he got rid of the current problems, but he does not expected to create a new one. And, accordingly, if problems arise (and they certainly appear), the value of the spouse is reduced to zero. And this before the infidelity — one step.

Another danger is sex before marriage. The danger here is that uncritical enhanced the already critical condition of love. Despite the ease of attitude to premarital sex in modern society, he still represents a barrier that delayed the passage which lays the Foundation of future complications in family life. For instance, sex gives the impression that the partners are each other known. Because really, naked man seems to be nothing hidden remains. And if to sexual relations, the future spouses have not been sufficiently long period of knowing each other, have not experienced the feeling of pleasant surprise from some unexpected personal qualities of a partner, the desire to know each other frozen. And the desire to know and understand a spouse, even if it hurts you, is one of the components of a strong family.

The first year of marriage. During this period, establishes the rules of conduct in the family and the rules of interaction with the outside world — parent families, friends of her husband, friends, wives, neighbors and so on. This period is full of conflict. Here that removed the "rose colored glasses", and the couple learn that their choices were not ideal. They begin to suffer from misunderstandings and frequent quarrels. The correct output is again in the knowledge of the other and sought to resolve the conflict taking into account interests of each. On this basis, formed its own family life, strengthening marriage. And if — "people should not suffer?"Then he must escape from marital conflict and, respectively, from their permission. At this stage, most often this flight is manifested in the collapse of the family, in the divorce, but infidelity, and on the part of both husband and wife.

In any case, each of the spouses in case of divorce, and in the case of adultery, you still will have to go through this stage — with the same spouse or with a new. Or in the end will remain one.

The birth of first child. This is exactly the situation in which cheating or having a mistress, as a rule, men. What's going on here? The fact that even during pregnancy changes consciousness of the woman — she "adjusted" to what the next three years, its main joy, the primary concern and the main thing — the main interlocutor with child. It is configured in a joyful and meaningful communication with someone who can't speak, and nothing else can not. This restructuring of consciousness of the mother are necessary for full development of the child.

And how it looks for men for father? First it was "stupid". She did not wonder, moreover, how the child ate, he pooped, what a face and so on. The second she became cold and distant. All her joy, all her care and all her interests, new people, and not the husband, although until recently it was different. And yet — she became very demanding, often uncritically demanding: we need something, we need it and that you have to do it, and you can or you can't — we don't care, you're a father, you do it.

Husband is suffering, and sees no other way to escape from this suffering in the arms of a lover, at least for a while. Is there another way? Eat. First, we need to understand what the wife's condition is not forever — it wears off with increasing autonomy of the child. Secondly, the wife should not forget that the husband is hard, he in some degree alone now, and he needs affection (though will never admit). With mutual respect and viewing problem as a temporary (and it is, if not to run to his mistress for comfort) life is getting better and the baby grows into a strong, happy family.

In General we can say that the reasons for adultery and life on two fronts next.

Initial. Originally incorrectly laid the Foundation for family life (family in order to escape from parental influence, from any problems, and even from their country, as well as too rapid onset of sexual activity),

Second. Incorrect value attitude to the husband or the wife (it is valuable not as a separate, free and independent person, but as a means to achieve any goal),

Third. The lack of desire to know and understand a spouse, even if it hurts you (and no one can get hurt, the closest person),

Fourth. Ignorance of the basic laws of family life (of course, you can argue that in the olden days didn't know, but do not divorce, but was a strict ban on adultery, and on divorce, and now such a social taboo, and it can take place that is a reasonable understanding of what is good and what is bad, that is knowledge),

And, in General — that in modern society it is not necessary to make efforts in order to become well, this is the "good" must be by itself, right now, "man shall not suffer."

— What motivates a woman to meet a married man?

Or the same immaturity, or related to the immaturity of the cynical attitude of "take everything from life", or "others can, and I what?". Immaturity is the desire to "get" a successful, grown man with no need to grow up and become to pass through the crises together. As if this will save the girl from having to Wade through the difficulties to a decent life, because this "worthy" life is given once. They think that to achieve the goal you should persuade him to divorce and marry her, young and beautiful.

It is with this position — all-inclusive — bound dreams of a "Prince" who knows how. It's true, the "Prince" of painlessly solve any problems? He will not allow me to suffer? (What he's already hurting his wife, is not taken into account — the very fault that such a old and harmful, and does not want to understand it).

Many women reject any arguments on the grounds that "this love", she "came", it is a high feeling, and nothing can be done. It can only say that here there is a confusion of love and infatuation. Love is a hormonal condition that ensures the continuation of the species. The man she is after the first sexual encounter (okay, second), and women after childbirth. That is, when each will do the trick. In a situation with a married lover children are rare, and therefore the state of love is delayed, creating the appearance of love and forcing hormonal and nervous system women. About love here it is impossible to say in principle, because love is the fruit of a long collaboration, mutual care about each other, forgiveness of each other, studying each other, tolerance each other. To do this, you should at least live together.

The position of "take everything from life" is somewhat different, she's not even covered by excuses of "sudden and strong love." Typically, this is a woman who has experienced one or even more unsuccessful (due to, including, and unwillingness to face problems in family life) attempts to establish family life. Angry, or desperate, or deciding that a happy marital relationship is a fairy tale for children and lies, these women start to use men in the Mercantile purposes. In this case, the woman does not allow any deep attachment to this man, he is not eager to marry him, considers a relationship with him as a business and easily give up if it dries up or is the object of "for better cooperation."

— What are her prospects of these relations?

— I do believe that prospects for a relationship built on someone else's misfortune, no. Of course, I can argue the most common "logical" argument that, well, I know this family, she or he "rescued" the previous spouse, and they now live happily. I believe you, but, first, their life is not over, and secondly, how do we know that the previous family would be currently worse than third, if outsiders, even friends, to objectively assess whether all in the family safely? And fourth, it's just my belief as a man, needs no proof. Although my professional experience, my belief is correlated. But let's deal.

There are two possible situations: the girl had not yet persuaded her lover to leave his wife, and she succeeded, got married. In the first case, let us imagine the experiences of men. They can be like: "that was a tough situation, my wife didn't (or still don't understand), had a lot of problems, everyone something forbid, and it's hard for me, no one cares. And this girl, so selfless, loved me without regard for anything, and now I, as a decent man should divorce his wife and this girl to marry... And she wanted... even requires. Wife always requires something, and now the mistress requires. I sought happiness and found the same problem only twice. There are no more forces, we must do something to solve the girl is right. But what? The wife, too, at first demanded nothing, lived in perfect harmony, and there were many fun and good, but now something has changed. Mistress nice and gentle, and most-most-most, but my wife is a good person. You won't regret it I?". And so on in the same spirit.

As a result, the man, albeit under the influence of new requirements on the wedding, reinvents his past family life, and in most cases, changing attitudes towards his family and makes a choice, which he is confident that will continue, and where his conscience will "stay clean" — that is, cut off relations with his mistress and return to his family. Maybe even the full reconciliation and the advent of the new "honeymoon".

And what will his already ex-lover? In the best case — with a sense of irretrievably lost time. And maybe worse — with bitterness, unbelief in the possibility of good relations between man and woman, disbelief in the possibility of creating a strong family, a disappointment in love. Can occur and medical problems — insomnia, loss of appetite, prolonged depression, suicide attempts, problems with alcohol. And even worse: she is the child that the father does not want to know, and whom she loves and hates at the same time — because he's her child and his child, and that gets inherited for life all wrong and the wrongness of the beginning of its existence, and the hatred that he'll love. The negative consequences of a love affair in the worst case can, unfortunately, affect more than one generation of people and manifested through many many years. A wonderful example is the story of Smerdyakov from Dostoevsky's "the Brothers Karamazov".

— Well, if it happened, and the man left his family for a mistress, and decided to stay with her? So, too, sometimes.

— Here we are to understand what is happening we must remember that they will have to go through all the stages of family development. That is, the man again to dive into all the problems, from which he once fled, and, again, or run away again, or to decide them as is necessary, to pass through the crises correctly. The likelihood of this is low for two reasons: first, he has "trained" a certain way of coping with the problems (that is escape from them). Secondly, each person has a conscience. And this conscience will prompt him that he is a scoundrel, because he threw the previous family. From these unpleasant experiences, too, can escape in feverish activity, constant travel, Yes anything. But again, what you running from, then you catch up and salit. Very ozalit.

What can you say about the new wife? It is also expecting a number of shocks. First, and she will also have to solve a number of problems and overcome a number of challenges associated with building relationships. The shock enhanced by the fact that at the time of creation of a family she thought this relationship is already fully built. Second, she realizes that "Prince" is not. If some of the problems it solves (mainly financial), most problems or not he sees (and wants), or he creates. Third, it will gradually begin to notice that her husband is not the man she "loved like no one ever", when was his mistress. It turns out to be a rough, primitive, insensitive person "I'm not interesting, I deleted everything on, starts somewhere permanently disappear... the scoundrel." The result is the same — the feeling of a correctly lived life, depression, disappointment in love, and so on.

I don't mean to offend and willingly agree with the person who says that I'm wrong and he's in exactly this situation happened everything is fine. I'm just talking about most likely development of events.

— What would you advise a woman who is in such a relationship?

— What can you advise to a person who is rushing downhill in the car whose brakes failed? Stop the car? That would be ideal, but he can't. The only thing that can advise — try to regroup, to move the impact with minimal consequences. And then to make a conclusion: it is impossible to go on faulty machines.

So in this situation. A woman becomes the mistress of a faith that is love. With full trust to the man with respect to him. With hope for a happy family life. And to get out of this situation should be about the same. Not disappointment in love, and with the knowledge that love is there, but it is not given immediately, but is the result of hard joint work on the relationship from the beginning to the end. Not to devalue men, and with the understanding that initially made the wrong move could anyone in the end lead to meanness. Not convinced that there's no happy families, because most did not work, and with the conviction that did not happen because the relationship was originally built on the wrong grounds: on the misfortune of another person, on the life according to the principle "people should not suffer." Any life crisis, any problems is an opportunity to become wiser. Become humane. And then we can build relationships without stepping on the same rake. And succeed.

Author: Maxim Tsvetkov

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©



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