In most cases, one of the most important moments in the discord between you and your partner lack intimacy. Here you talking about just thinking? And, Yes, sex, too, is that absent or insufficient. But this is only part of intimacy. The fact that an understanding of intimacy is too narrowed recently in the minds of many people, purely to sex. And even to the technical side of sex.
In fact, intimacy is the closeness and openness of the partners. In General, it includes a few basic options:
1. Knowledge about the partner.
2. Caring about the partner.
5. Reciprocity of feelings and emotions.
When people meet and they begin an affair... then you need to realize that this novel is not between spherical horses in vacuum, and between real people. What is a man? This is a collection of pluses and minuses, problems, complexes, expectations and aspirations. The novel and all sorts of the honeymoon stages have "oxytocin." During the period of development of relations is approximately the same as between mother and child. As we watch mother and child on each other (if normal)? I see only positive and negative is smoothed. Oxytocin in the same way maintains a feeling of intimacy and understanding in a couple. Under its influence people are willing to sacrifice something personal, to try to be better for a partner to restrain the negativity and create each other holiday.
It takes all the fun lovers in different ways, but somewhere much average option close to 6 months. Further the level of oxytocin, if it is not supported, begins gradually to fall. And what remains? There are real people, with all their wonderful Luggage. Of course, in a certain sense, they are trying to restore yourself. The memory stores a situation that paired parent-child had a lot of oxytocin and partners can take the child or the parent role in an attempt to restore oxytocin level. Well, there's someone that close, Someone can read the notation, to show their concern, someone "naughty" to see what it all is forgiven. Restores whether this intimacy depends on how the partners fall into the parent role each other. And how such a model acceptable for a particular individual.
Moreover, a very common situation when people do not to lose the closeness they never had. And not only had, but also afraid to have it. And since people may not like this intimacy to live, for a social creature, is her replacement. This so-called "fantasy connection".
What is it? Here, for example, you meet with the person. He or she loves potatoes. You are not thinking determine what you need to eat potatoes with mushrooms and sour cream, and mushrooms collected in the forest, and therefore he\she is an avid mushroom picker. Estimate, you also mushroom! What a coincidence of views! Fate! And you start imagining how romantic you stir up the leaves in the autumn forest, drinking hot tea and a thermos sitting on a tree stump back to back... Your brain anyway, and if you have a clear idea of the kind of joint activities in the forest clearly enough and refuse to include other parts of the brain, oxytocin has a fountain. To marry/to get married immediately!
And then what? Then it turns out that your newly legal spouse not only pickers, but not berries, and all of wild nature is not happy. And what was needed all these notions with mushrooms and imagination of your Hiking in the woods? Maybe if you had something in mind to take from reality? Yeah, it is, of course, if you're not afraid you're like a mushroom may be of interest to someone. Or if you are waiting for the Prince in your fairy tale it should appear by any. I.e. "real quality" is very good if you're not afraid to build close relationships with a real person and show him his real quality, not afraid of the pain from the fact that something can not happen with someone who you allowed too close.
And fear of intimacy now so common that it is usual situation when she thinks he's a mushroom and walk through the forests in search of mushrooms, and he thinks she's a fisherman and will be with him to catch bream. After some time, in the Wake of the decline of oxytocin is that one is not going to go into the forest, one does not want to go to the river. And most importantly, he never wanted. Yes, in the Wake of oxytocin could appear sketchy desire to go with the favorite fishing and in the woods, and firewood. But it's kind of vows to go " and into the fire and into the water." Ie tell people say, but smartplanet and the self-immolation plan. Another issue is that the opposite side will actually take all of these water and lights
Quite characteristically, the destruction of these fantasy relationships people perceive as deception on the part of the partner. All kind, scum has shown that there will be bream to catch, and after the wedding, took off his false mask... Although few people are wondering, and if that had it before the Registrar admitted that fishing does not love. Not really, I would have dropped everything and run? Yes some do, but the vast majority under the oxytocin and craving fantasies will think it a trifle! After fishing you can always love. But when she loves fishing and bream....
What to do? Normal need to breathe and start to build relationships on what we have and to seek common ground, if you are still interested in a partner. If desired, it may. But in reality, people choose 3 main ways. They either feel unhappy, curse fate, or looking for a new oxytocin on the side, or continue to fantasize about something else illusory joint and support your oxytocin level. Combinations in pairs may be different. If to speak about the case that the family has failed, then one of the pair may be quite normal to imagine how things are, but the imagination of the partner can make the relationship dysfunctional.
But in General, for both or for one of the partners, again due to low oxytocin the other becomes less physically attractive. That seemed previously important, begins to be evident and annoying. Anything they do not, not to important for your peace of mind oxytocin.
Only it is not necessary to idealize the situation of one of the partners in such pairs. He\she "nimany" has not received oxytocin and had ... just after he was pushed and he\she fell in the arms of someone else. Where to get oxytocin, everyone decides for himself. And being a reasonable person, can adjust and be aware of their hormonal surges, and to predict how it all will end.
Intimacy is always available to restore, if there is a desire on both sides. If any party does not wish to do, forcibly of it not a drop of oxytocin to beat. And all of a sudden he suddenly safetysuit if there was a period of discord and aloofness. This is the question of advice in glamour magazine, "if you notice that your husband had a mistress and he is cold to you, prepare a romantic candlelit dinner, dress sexy, etc." Sex can take place after dinner, and sexy outfit, but the fact that the husband will return and you will forget all the lovers once and for all, unlikely.
Yes. Will have to build again. But now intimacy, affection, closeness, and whatever else there was between you already need to put on a real basis.
What is important for new construction:
- Enthusiasm is good, but this is not an option "carry out five-year plan in 3 years". When people are in a hurry, they usually stop to hear the other partner, i.e. missing the most basic, what we need to strive for. Look at yourself, do you have a fantasy your partner. They are very often not seen and they are perceived as reality. That's the essence of their protective functions, they should be as similar to reality. But if they do not catch, you can get the same thing that you already passed.
- Do not take a passive stance, like she's all arranged, now let the rake. Remember that if you do not build your life, you will build it, but not the fact that it will be what you need.
- Agree on the General steps and institutional responsibilities. If you have had a misunderstanding and false expectations, it does not mean that they suddenly disappear. Don't let things slide relationship.
- To voice their expectations and intentions. Give the person knowledge about yourself, do not expect that it "should guess if you like".
- Joint activities and interests connect people, create the same oxytocin background, but this does not mean that a couple should spend 100% of time together. Crowding and the lack of freedom creates stress. To whom and how much of what we need individually and also requires lapping. By the way sometimes you may find that the need for freedom one of the partners is much more than another. No one has to endure is not required and nobody is obliged to concede. Relationships are built not the victims and gratitude to the victims far from the concept of "love".
- Search for the pleasure of each other's company. If it is just "duty" or "sacrifice in the name of children" to build intimacy will not be easy.
- Well, look for variation and balance in the relationship. People are unique and create a unique pair. There are no exact recipes that'll fix it for a certain period of time. We must learn not only to build relationships but also maintain them. The second is even more difficult.
Author: Natalia Stilson
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©