How to talk with loved ones about money

Recall the grandmother to make a will for you. Ask the Pope to insure the life — suddenly with it something happens. Tell your sister that you want to sell your share of the apartment in which she lives. Speak with your family about money difficult. But we are bound by so many financial issues that once lead a difficult conversation to have.When it comes to money, we hesitate. Talking about them is difficult even with business partners. With relatives even harder, and here's why:

— it is impossible to calculate all coolly, in a relationship involved too much emotion;

— loved ones a lot of Luggage — the combined experience, omissions;

— relatives, in contrast to the partners, you do not choose.

The painting by V. Maximov "Family section" (1876).
Everything: emotion, insults and innuendo

Negotiations with the family the most difficult, but us, no one teaches it. So you have to act on a whim. Some give money and square footage, but would not quarrel with loved ones. Others, protect their interests, but I would sacrifice relationship. We'll show you how to defend their interests and with anybody not to quarrel.

Position gertyu talks with relatives of the great stake — at stake is not a contract or premium, and family relationships. Many do not know how to manage this risk, so the desert.

Victor came to Tula to study psychology. Settled in a wooden house second cousins grandmother. She cooked him Breakfast, he fixed the squeaky floorboards — and soon they became friends. In the evenings grandma met the grandson on the porch: he told the news of the Institute, and she, today I heard on the radio.

A year later, the grandmother started talking about finances: "I Dream that you and your wife will live in this house. Let's book him for you." But Victor didn't want to think that the grandmother will die, and the more he will benefit from it. Therefore he refused.

A year later, grandma died. Funeral first came the most dexterous family and their lawyers. Started to figure out how to sell a house in pieces. They didn't know about friendship grandmother with Victor and her latest dreams.

Victor regretted his decision, but at least he decided. Worse, when the position of the victim chooses one, and suffers from this other one.

Nadia and Vladimir grew up with his parents in a large three-room apartment. Vladimir was older, and therefore married first. Then three sold: bought one for Nadia and parents, and the rest of the money went for payment for Volodya mortgage. That is, the apartment is divided: half Volodya, half everything else. Nadia didn't mind — my brother has a family he needs.

In five years, Nadia and myself started a family, but her life was nowhere. My retired parents could not help. And Volodya his own family and their spending: the son went to school, repair time to do it. Nadia with her husband began to roam in the communal.

When Nadia refused housing, she made the decision and for children: a son Volodya will receive a share, and her child — no.

  In the position of victim is the worst disappointment. When you donate your interests, you unconsciously hope that someone will appreciate. But no one will even notice. The same financial issue with the two sides looks different: do you think gave man the apartment, and he just got his. When your victim does not appreciate, you will want to restore justice, but it's too late.

You think gave man the apartment, and he just got his.Position ogrescenenode relatives behave dishonourably: deliberately go for the breakup to pick up the cottage or apartment. If you want to cheat, you deceive, will not help the advice of the negotiator, you need to hire a lawyer.

But more often the aggressor does not want to hurt anyone. He had the best motives: to restore justice, protect the weak or educate your child.

Sasha's mother said, "let's sell our apartment and buy a new one. But arrange it for me — it will be easier with the documents. So they did, but in the new apartment, the mother settled with her partner and dog, and Sasha said, "earn itself".

The aggressor often feels like a victim. He believes that it is not appreciated or cheated, therefore attacks.

Alexei was under 50 when he married a woman with a child. Soon she came up with this plan: "Give your old mother will be writing to my apartment to my son, and she moves in with us. We'll take care of her". And so they did. The first time the old lady lived well. But take care of their grandmother 80 years of hard work. Soon the daughter-in-law was hurt: "I did the babysitter?!" Began to claim, oblique views. Grandma ran away to not be a burden to anyone, and for several days lived on the street. It was found by the police and taken to some distant relatives. There she lived the last days.

People want to do the right thing, but don't know how. So wrong, ruining relationships, losing money. To succeed without conflict, need to prepare. So we asked for advice from a professional negotiator.

Ilya Sinelnikov Director of the School interns and School editors Bureau of Gorbunova,
the author of the course of negotiations and customer relations

1. Discuss problemproblem not disappear by themselves, each unresolved issue affects relationships. For example, you silently sacrificed my own interests because I was afraid to argue. Soon you will feel hurt, it will accumulate over the years. When you finally speak on the financial question, to solve it will be difficult: hurt emotions and old grudges.

The only solution to any problem discussion. Fear not: the conversation is not worse than the problem. Start like this:

— I'm worried about the sale of the apartment. Let's talk?

2. Follow emaciation all in the family to talk about three things: parenting, sex and money. So first the atmosphere will be tense. But the conversation on emotions ends with no solutions, and scandal. If you accept the decision, you will regret them as soon as the passion subsides. The conversation will have to start over.

As soon as emotions, take a break. Don't blame the source of incontinence, take responsibility:

I see the issue is complex, it hurts both of us, which is understandable. I got excited, sorry. Let's discuss this another time?

3. The grass of Keskustori to cool the emotions, use the technique of etching line. When the fisherman's hook catches a big fish, he's not trying to get her jerk — then he will break the line or break the rod. On the contrary, it weakens the fishing line for the fish to swim freely and relaxed. And then it slowly pulls out. Similarly, in negotiations: if you disagree human emotions, but rather speak them for him, he'll calm down.

If the person is angry, do not try to argue and convince. On the contrary, admit that his behaviour is logical:

— Yes, it's hard, in your place I'd be angry too and didn't want to continue the conversation. Let's get back to it another time?

4. Be isreminiscent more important than all the negotiation techniques. Let your loved ones feel that you want to solve the problem, not to argue and to assert themselves. Do not attempt to dabble in politics, to play, to apply techniques of NLP. Even if you negotiate awkward relatives you will forgive when I see your sincerity.

Tell me about your fears and doubts honestly:

I don't know how to start this conversation, it difficult. But I'm worried about the sale of the apartment. We can discuss it?

5. Lay bagaza a joint life with the family you have accumulated baggage: shared experience, misunderstanding and resentment. Every family has a taboo subject: she's all worried about her but try not to raise. To discuss this topic uncomfortable, but if it is to circumvent the negotiations will fail.

For example, parents do not like your wife. This everyone knows, but silent, not to provoke conflict. You asked parents to help pay the mortgage, they agreed. Time passes, and no money. Parents say they have unexpected expenses, problems with Bank transfer or something else. But it's all just an excuse. The real problem is that parents don't want to pay for an apartment in which to live unloved daughter-in-law. Hidden problem has affected your plans, and you can't control.

If the family did not discuss forbidden topics, solve challenging financial issues will not work. Someone will be offended. Therefore, the Luggage should be put in the beginning of the conversation, to talk through the problem:

I know you don't approve of my decision to marry Nadia. If this can be a problem, better tell me at once: think about what to do.

6. Do delakorda lay out Luggage, do not violate the boundaries of others. For example, your brother is not working and hanging out in bars. And yet — did not pay their share of the mortgage. You need to not discuss the moral character of the brother and his lifestyle, and buy an apartment.

Discuss the rules. Let the interviewee will feel that you respect his right to arrange his life as he sees fit:

We will discuss only the purchase of apartments. Will try to figure out how to solve the issue that everyone was comfortable.

7. Think about sebelas the source in the first, second and third place thinks of himself. If you talk about your goals and desires, he won't hear you and your suggestions will not accept. Therefore, we must say, looking at the problem through the eyes of the interlocutor. Think about its benefits, not your own.

This principle is easy to postulate, but difficult to apply in life. You are the same person and also think only about themselves. But if you have to look at the problem through the eyes of a partner, resistance will be less. He will cease to fight with you, and begin to think about how to solve the problem with the benefits for both of you.

Try to understand the motives of the partner. He's worried about specific things: how not to lose respect, not to let the family, not to remain without money. To understand his pain, ask the following questions:

I want to sell the apartment.

— Why now?

— You know, real estate prices is not very high, but 6 million can be sold.

— Why do you want the money now?

— I'm thinking to go to Germany to study and I am afraid that the money to study is not enough.


If you master these rules, you will understand: there are no predators and victims — there are only people who do not know how to negotiate. Who thinks only about their own interests loses. Who is silent about the issue loses. The winner is the one who cares about the other person and is not afraid of difficult conversations.published

  1. Discuss a problem: the conversation is not worse than the problem 2. Follow the emotions: a conversation on emotions will not end solutions, and scandal 3. Grass line: if a person is angry, don't try to argue and convince 4. Be sincere: tell me about your fears and doubts honestly 5. Post baggage: the hidden problems spoil the negotiations 6. Mind your business: let the interviewee feels that you respect his way of life 7. Think not about yourself: look at the problem through the eyes of the interlocutorP. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©

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