How to survive the decree without default Bashny.Net

Very few women manage to survivethe decree, without defaulting, that is, not hate her husband or be disappointed in him. Husbands are usually the same pay. Rare lucky couples to keep a period love (or rather they themselves carry), others restore relations after, some never to return.

One of the main reasons for this tendency is the different presentation of the spouses about the contributions during this difficult period.

Women often believe they are doing the deed, doing the most important and most difficult labor for the common good.

Men believe that a woman is doing what she always wanted, do all women in the world, but he provides and gives her the opportunity, carrying all material risks.

 





Very often the woman in the decree surrounds himself with podrugami who have the same ideal picture of the world: in the centre the mother with the baby like a Madonna of Raphael, and around the kneeling males, are not able to give birth and feed and are therefore obligated to thank the Woman.

Husbands of such women relations, as a rule, not very. And it is clear. Husbands have in their heads the picture is different: the huge number of women who gave birth, give birth, ready to give birth, going bursts around those who can and their offspring provide.

Survive as couples those couples who are willing, first, to see the picture of the world through the eyes of the other spouse, and secondly, his picture of the world to add and change.

The trouble is due to the fact that both women and men confuse the two main resource: resource, and the resource Family. Men want to be credited as a contribution to the family, and women want their maternity was considered work. But it's different resources and compare these contributions all the same what to compare the number of books read (resource Study) with the number of miles on the treadmill (online Health). Both very important, but in a completely different planes.

Ifa man will understandthat his job is his job, he invested in this resource and gets there their professional bonuses, personal, private, andfamily is something separate, and contributions to the family are measured by the work and interaction with the family, involvement in the life of this family, it will also be easier to understand.

Here is often mixed with another separate resource. Economy. Within the pair, the common economic space — money, property, housing. Here, by the way, is farming. Usually the money part of this resource in the period of the decree more do men (although a woman can get maternity leave), and the economic part is more of a woman. But it is a separate resource and should not mix with those two, they are all different. The resource sharing is needed in order to better understand the deposits and to see an objective picture of who gives what, who is where takes.

 

And now look what happens.

What the husband is doing his online Work has nothing to do with contributions to the Family. He invested in himself (!), partially in the benefit of society, partly in prospect of their life together (more opportunities for the future), but only if they will remain together. Here is the money, which he invests today in the budget — Yes, it is his contribution to the total resource in the Economy.

The wife is unable to do any online Work his behind professionally, lose skills, motivation, are often degraded in this resource, or even its blocks (fears and then work as a fire). Do not be mistaken and think that the other person can take over your life. NO. Husband develops its resources, pumping his professionalism, and his wife at that time your life Work to ruin. To prevent this from happening, she needs from the beginning to remember what her face than it is fraught. A year, two, even three, the resource can be and will wait (if there was already a little pumped), but is also better not to risk it and at least a little bit to do it. And then it will start to disintegrate.

It is fraught with the fact that after some time it will turn into a professional nothing. Mother, wife — is not a profession. It is the roles that people have in addition to working as a daughter, friend, lover. This one does not pay money, and most importantly, does not respect. Love is sometimes give (until there is a closeness and understanding), but no respect. Without respect in the society to live even more difficult than without love. You can't lose your life and don't know how you remain vulnerable and dependent. You lose the main support, which needs to be a person.

At the same time, husbands who think a wife can deal with their resource Family, you can lose this resource. The other person may not develop your resource! Once again I want to focus on this. Couple need not in order to develop each other's resources, it's impossible. Couple needed for some resources to develop together. Together to create a family and be parents to educate children. Together to create a farm and to do life together. Work together you can do it, but only if you have a common cause, not when one works for another. It's like that for others is.

Two major mistakes that women make in their thinking about the decree to originate from the desire to compare your contribution to the education of children with the material contribution by the husband to the budget.

From this arise absurd with no logic arguments. "I bring the money," says the husband, referring to their contribution to resource Economy. Wife says: "I carry our child." In the plane of the resource Economy, which measures its contribution husband, "occupation baby" — this is the work of the nurse, which has a specific market rate. But the nanny deals with someone else's child, and the mother with her, so all have the wife the husband, in his purely monetary calculation is half the salary of a nanny. So men say they're usually good at counting.

His wife in anger. Her maternal heroism, the fire of the soul and body, considered in some miserable money, but still at a low rate, but still was divided into two. Her work is priceless! But she decided to compare its contribution with its monetary contribution. Although investments in intangible resource Families, it is our care for our loved ones and help them. To invest needs both parents, not one after the other.

That can be compared withthe material contribution by the husband to the budgetisthe economic labour of the wife. But it just should be considered is the rate of a housekeeper, dividing into two again, because she, too, enjoys the fruits of their labor. All of these calculations do not need to each other to present, and to have to stop to measure distances in parrots, but love the money. The economy needs to do both, either one to give more money to the economy, and the second is more to do with his hands, otherwise nothing.

But your resource Work, women, nobody will compensate. In its place will be a dump. So I wouldn't have wanted to sit in the decree over the years, no matter how wanted to convince myself that motherhood is a complex and important work, remember this. This is not a profession, it is work, but a very different kind. From the point of view of the profession is very low-skilled, poorly paid, little respected, it is futile. From the point of view of personal happiness and comfort loved ones is a very good, important and useful thing. But don't confuse these resources.

With a hole at the place of Work, too, can live if the other resources are well developed, but this is the main resource and you take a big risk. If you find that other resources have so-so, the children fled, the husband fell out of love, of a friend willing to help but chatter, as the lovers appear and disappear immediately, you learn nothing interesting, and health leads, your life might look very sad, and you will be offended at her husband, who was engaged in the work, and you thought it your total work. No — it. You were family, but he just could not take care of the family, and now you have a connection with children, and he doesn't. How it this bad, is another question. Maybe he got himself another family, and maybe regretted the loneliness. If he has a connection with your children and a great relationship with them, so family to do it too in time, and for some reason you did not work.

The main mistake is to measure subjective attachments "hard" "tired" "I am suffering". Some women (and men) believe that if they suffer, suffer, their investments are high. No. Suffer can and in the toilet anywhere, and attachments of this will be zero. Suffer more people into clinical depression when lying face to the wall, and the contribution of their zero. Suffering arise from stress, and stress is not always useful from the waste of energy. On the contrary, if the waste energy is useful, stress is usually much less of a man pleased with himself.

So no matter how you toiled from boredom, the monotony, irritation, it does not mean that your work is difficult and even more useful. The benefit is measured only by how other need in your work and can't do without you. And need you can't measure it. You can't say "you need to be starched tablecloths," he may consider it useless for me. It is very important to separate what you do for yourself and for the picture proper family life, and what the second is really ready to be grateful. If it turns out that everything you do, it is not necessary (not in words but in reality), unfortunately, your contributions to a life together is almost useless. This does not mean that they are bad, they can be beautiful, but the partner they are not able to evaluate, they do not relate to his picture of the world in his picture of the world has other priorities and values. Maybe you need another partner or change its world view.

It's better if you have two paintings of mine, where have your investments and what you would like for it to, and his painting, which also have this, but in his view. We need to see how different these paintings, and think if them as closer to each other, create something common.

But creating your own pattern, draw objectively. Evaluate your contributions from the point of view of "how easy is it to get the same thing, not from me." Not everyone needs his kiss to appoint a high price. Even if he is in love for him, your kisses are priceless, it is a subjective attitude. Loves today, gone tomorrow. And wanting him to kiss can be a lot, in addition to you. Therefore, a better measure of objective contributions. And love does not measure, it is something that exists apart from everything as a gift. But when the structure of the equilibrium relationships, love lives in it much longer and develops, and is not bent and does not die. It is therefore important to monitor the balance of contributions and effort.

 

As always the challenge

Typical situation. The couple decides to have a baby, the husband persuades his wife to give up work for three years, promises to make amends. But compensation is perceived as material, is arranged on a second job, which does not happen at home. Wife raising a child is almost solitude, he is ill, it is difficult for her. Natural start a quarrel, the husband feels that level of stress is such that if it does not find an outlet, he is sick. Finds a mistress, who unlike his wife supports him, comforting and, as it seems, gives him the opportunity to work for the family (he pays the loan for the apartment).

After three and a half years, when the wife is already active, the child grew up, she finds out about the mistress, who has in the past. Wife doesn't want to forgive betrayal, she can't love him more. She accuses him that lived for three years in prison because he was persuaded to leave his beloved work. Yes, and betrayed her, humiliated in front of another woman and had lived for a year on two fronts as a traitor. The husband tries to explain that thought about the welfare of the child, I sincerely believed that it would be better, and then just didn't handle stress well. He loves his wife and doesn't want to lose my family.

These letters, plus or minus the nuances very much. And you, for sure, similar stories were heard more than once. Who is right and who is wrong, how, under what conditions, and what should have been done before and can do now? published

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Source: evo-lutio.livejournal.com/257406.html