The modern woman is easier to build a factory, get a PhD, to do repairs in the apartment than sit in the decree of 3 years with a child. If many years ago a word "decree" did not exist, she simply lived for so many years, now with this word rarely associated pleasant emotions. Except that only those who have not been there and only going to relax from work.
The majority of women in the decree is very difficult. On a lot of objective reasons, and I would like you to voice them to avoid the feeling that motherhood is just a holiday of some sort, and the decree of the most serene time of our lives.
Imagine a normal girl Masha, which for the first time became a mother. Suppose she is 25-30 years, she has worked to make a career
Why is the decree so difficult?
The dependence of the total – from another person.
His sleep, mood, appetite. Woke up on the wrong foot and all, you wear it on your hand, did not really eat and even forget to comb my hair. If he was sick, then again you can forget about everything but him. This includes colic, teeth – which for the first few years will be as much as twenty Grand, it's a hassle with laying to sleep, which is almost everyone, night feeding and celebrations...
If the child – larks, you are forced to get up at 5-6 am. If he doesn't like to walk, and crying in the street, you also have to walk less. If he wants to be with you and even sleep on you – you have no choice. You just do what you need for your child.
I remember in the first decree are the hardest given it is the feeling that the child owns me completely and absorbs all my time and attention without the rest.
You really are completely dependent on this little, though very cute, but the dictator. He directs you and your life. And the habit it can be annoying. Especially if the woman used to live as she wants.
We've learned that addiction is always bad. We strive for independence, considering it a panacea for all. And the children trying to get us to a new level of understanding of life – interdependence. But such a transition is always difficult.Nothing is possible to plan and control.
I remember when my editor gave birth to a son, she told me that you will finish the book in a month. "Do not hurry to make predictions," I said to her then. "You have now for a long time there is some unknown, which is unpredictable in his behavior." After a week or two she understood what I'm talking about.
Sometimes he sleeps three hours – enough time to do everything, and even bored. And the next day instruct yourself plans just for about three hours, and he's not sleeping. Exactly. Only on the hands. What plans are not implemented, quietly chewing on itself, a child angry. Is it so hard to predictable and on a schedule to sleep? Hard.
And the more we rest in his plans and attempts at control, the less we are able to maintain within themselves the happiness and harmony. It would just go from planning to living in the flow – but who of us knows how to do this?Groundhog day
Mother's day the decree is a set of the same action a million times a day, in a circle, in the same sequence. Feed, wash, play, dressed, put to bed – and again from the beginning. Changes not so much – eating a zucchini or a pumpkin, playing with blocks or pyramids, sleeps at home or on the street, to wear a baby cap or not...
And it all seems pointless and endless. The eternal wheel of repetitive cases that do not require any special training, brains and everything else. But if such senseless everyday mom? And do not need special skills? Maybe it's just our usual criteria of human evaluation out of place here? Mothers on maternity leave often know how much all that normal managers never dreamed of. Patience, acceptance, love — all of this develops in us when we are in touch with motherhood. In the office it's not to learn.The minimal interaction
Remember in the first decree I lie to husband said the same phrase. Mol. You go there talk to people, talk to them in human language, and I have here from morning to night screams, cries, roars and all the other "charms".
Communication in the decree and the truth becomes less. In the office you have to communicate one way or another. Some communication nice to you, you gain knowledge, strength, open soul. Some less than nice, you just suffer. But the fact that it is enough — not necessary to argue.
With the birth of a child, our entire society is other moms, pediatricians, sellers of children's shops, teachers of educational centers. All. We really have no interest to discuss what we discussed earlier. But on the other hand we become pawns of "children's issues". We are not looking for another communication, do not try to find or create. Not realizing how much it can give us.No result
I spoke about it repeatedly. But again. In the decree there are no results. They are not visible. It is unclear today how many times have you mopping the floor, because when her husband returned, your again hung on the ceiling. Unknown, did you prepare anything today, because all are hungry and the fridge is empty. It is unclear if you erased something, because dirty linen again to a huge pile. And so in all. Our work is not obvious, immensely, but without it – no way. Is it an advantage? Here at work passed the project got paid. And everything is clear.
When the result is invisible, then no thanks. Conversely, there may be reproaches. The whole day was at home, couldn't they have a shirt to iron? And it's so frustrating if you spent all day in the soap, did not have time and very tired. You he – help me! And he told you – where's my dinner?Hour watch
Motherhood is not limited to a working day. You do not sleep at night and get up in the morning before anyone else. And during the day you need to be in good shape, especially if the child is small – that is still up, not hurt, too much is not eaten, didn't get hurt. Is it easy to live in this mode is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Of course not. At work, there are weekend and holiday and working day lasts 8 hours, not three times more. And the responsibility at work and all. Not for life you're there to answer (if you're not a doctor).
It turns out that the decree is a stronger emotional and physical strain. One eternal state of "combat readiness" is worth something! In the office-you can sometimes quietly and take a NAP if we're lucky.The husband often does not understand what you are doing that tired
Yes, not only that, he does not give thanks, if you ever did something. He is also attacking, if nothing else you did or did not. And not realize that you are to hear it is painful and sad. He really doesn't understand – you're kind of sitting at home. Only then did I sat for the day at least a couple of times?
Yes, these claims often drive a wedge between us, we stop each other to hear, offended, angry. Instead learn to communicate, to negotiate, to explain to each other what is difficult to understand – swear. And Yes, because swearing is easier than the same husband to explain what you did and what you're tired. To be offended is easier than learning to build a dialogue. And what skill is more useful? The decree has every chance to master them.There is no incentive to care
Many women on maternity leave look terrible. Bathrobes, sports sweat pants, on the head the bun. Forget to comb my hair, wash my hair, apply cream is in order. This may also include extra baby weight that seems like a hindrance, but it seems like not very much.
But as soon as the woman decided to go to work, she immediately will start to bring in the divine form. And lose weight, and wardrobe update, and then take out the ink and will remember where they were lipstick. Because now it seems to have for anyone. And still no one will understand, will not notice and will not appreciate. Somehow we in this place think that our children and husband still how we look. Why is that?The brain turns into cream soup
Yes, that is the influence of hormones. During pregnancy, breast-feeding, we become slower, tight see the light, forget. And decree this effect extends. We don't need to try to come together, and we live.
Someone thinks that we "tupe", someone that we lose their position in the labour market, some that we are behind the times. I prefer to see this as a pause, a respite and new opportunities. For example, to stop living with his head and begin to open your heart. But it's very hard to live in the heart. Therefore, this cult brain exists.Not socially welcome
Society by and large does not consider a woman on maternity leave. If she is sitting before the year of the child wherever you went, and if longer? It will be called the dependent, and chicken, and start to scare care of the family of her husband. This is unmatched. This is undervalued. It doesn't matter. There are other activities that society considers "worthwhile".
It is believed that the decree is unskilled labor, which will manage anyone. Wash, feed, walk. But is it true anyone? And what if we do all this mechanically, as on an Assembly line? Does the child and his soul – a thing that absolutely no matter what mood it is washed and fed? And is it true that do not need any special qualifications to his mother in the decree?Not paid
Society's attitude to motherhood was also evident in the fact that our work is not paid. There are payment before delivery, there is a tiny monthly payments are not comparable to previous income women. In many developed countries, a decree for the women is three months maximum. And then don't pay, the workplace is lost. Therefore it is necessary to give children in the nursery.
That is, a woman is valuable only when it works. In other cases, it is not only uninteresting, but also blameworthy. Including in the decree.Too new – especially first timeThe first decree is the development of new profession from scratch with minimal prior instruction.
To join as soon as possible, need to study too much, life changes dramatically. What we get in the end? Stress.
To warn it can only be prepared in advance. Almost. You can read anything, but to interact with real children is quite different. If the girl and the girl will understand what is parenting from the inside out, she will be on maternity leave.
But most of us grew up in small families, if the younger brothers and sisters are, then the difference is minimal. And Junior senior to force "hung" — that is, the ability to inspire kids are not given. That's how we live – those who had never seen kids so close, and those who are these kids whole life ruined. And suffer in the decree.It is not considered an important work
Do you need a lot of brains to diapers to change? So we say about motherhood now. What is unskilled labor, what it may do to anyone. But an accountant will be able not every! And accountant is important. And the mother did not.
But why not? If mother depends on how the world will be tomorrow when the child grows up? If the mother is investing in its children, invests in the future – not yours personally, but the overall, world. If the mother values the child, his attitude to himself, to the world? Does it not matter?
Let's say we're not going to do. We have no time. Let the kindergarten and the school form. So they did napominaut that then do not glad! The empty space will not remain accurate. If we don't fill, fill friends, street, school, TV – wishing much. But the responsibility will still be on us. Because we believe that being a mother doesn't matter. That accounting is more important.Money becomes less
The decree often happens in a financial crisis. Money becomes less. It works now only one of the two, and members of the family becomes three. That is money you need to have more, and to get it goes now only the husband.
Of course, it is exhausting. Want a baby to dress, toys to buy, and yourself. And you need to count money, to consider, to save money (usually for yourself). An additional factor of stress. I think. That will work, and will be as before, and will miss this and that. But will it? And is there no other option?
The issue of women in the decree that they forget completely about her husband, as a man. Cease to inspire him, if he did before. Or – forget to learn.
Therefore it cannot provide for the family, the more upset and even less feels like a man. Becomes irritable, nervous – and also dreams of the day when the decree will end, and she, too, will start something to do. And then, you know, sitting for nothing while I suffer. No good there.Work much easier
It's not about men. It's about women. Women are much easier to work with than to deal with children. Because children of her strength to pull in them the energy you need to invest all the time you need to be. In addition, they are also our own children's injuries are stepping up.
Work easier. A limited working day, limit of liability, all clear, everything is under control. More money to pay. Compared to decree where you will never meet, do not have time and did not understand, but also forced to ask for money even on tights is seems like Paradise.
But only it seems. Because it has a price, which will become apparent 15-20 years. And all the disadvantages of this decree, if desired, to smooth, to compensate, to turn into pros. If you want to have the understanding, knowledge. And the most important is desire.
I know many women for whom the decree was the point of a new start, a restart and a period of transformation. Now they are from the decree not to expel, because they have realized their mistakes and found all the hidden resources of such a provision. And a lot of them.
We just don't understand what this gift, the importance of what we do in these years, a Foundation we create. Let it invisible from view, let not all this understand and accept, let someone laugh.
Years will pass, and you will see the difference. You will see children whose moms happily was with them in the maternity journey, and of those children, whose mothers ran away from there. There is a difference, it is huge. I saw those, and others in their practice. And even on eyes with high probability will determine which category applies.
Then it will be impossible to beat, remodel, "pereprozhivat" this precious time, the time of the decree, the time investment in their children, the time of sowing. When the trees grow up it will be too late to regret that fertilized a little, from the wind to hide no time, the sun burned. Then will only have to take fruits in the form of clumsy and weak, or completely incomprehensible and alien plants. We decide what direction to go and what the fruits of the endeavor – to quick, after which it will be scorched earth, or who will appear for many years, although it will appear later.published
Author: Olga Valyaeva
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©