Katerina Demina — psychologist-consultant, a specialist in child psychology have written a great article that answers this, perhaps now is the most painful issue of parents.
Letters, of course, many, however, believe that to read and to feel good would all the parents of teenagers.
Why doesn't he want to?
This phenomenon gained momentum in the last seven years.A whole generation of young people who "do not want".
No money, no career, no personal life. They sit all day at computers, they are not interested in girls (perhaps quite a bit, so as not to strain).
They are not going to work. As a rule, satisfied with the life that already have a parent flat, a little bit of money on cigarettes, beer. No more. What's wrong with them?
Sasha was led to the consultation of the mother. A great 15-year-old boy, a dream of every girl: athletic, talking is not rude, eye live, the vocabulary does not like Ellochka-ogress, plays tennis and the guitar. The main complaint of the mother, just the cry of a tortured soul: "why he doesn't want?"The details of the storyWhat do you mean "nothing", I am interested in.
Nothing at all? Or still eat, sleep, walk, play, watch movies he wants?
It turns out that Sasha did not want to do anything from the list "normal" things for a teenager. That is:
1. To learn;
2. To work;
3. Take courses
4. Meet girls;
5. To help her mother with the housework;
6. And even ride with my mom on vacation.
Mom in anguish and despair. A big man, and it's the use — both from goat milk. Mom's whole life for him, all for his sake, been denying yourself for way undertook any work on the mug drive, section expensive took, language camps abroad were sent — and he is first asleep before lunch, then turn on the computer till night in the toy rides. And she was hoping that he will grow up, and she felt better.I continue to ask.
From whom is the family? Who earns the money? Which one functions?
It turns out that Sasha's mother has one, divorced when he was five years old, "father was the same exact lazy, maybe it's genetically transmitted?". She works, works hard, because she has to pay for three (myself, grandmother and Sasha), comes home at night tired to death.
The house rests on the grandmother, it and managing, and for Sasha watching. Only trouble is — Sasha is quite the hands strayed, my grandmother does not listen, even snaps, just skip past the ears.
He goes to school when he wants, when you do not want — do not walk. He faces the army, but I guess it is not a bit worried. He has not made the slightest effort to learn at least a little better, although all the teachers in one voice insists that the head of it gold and have the ability.
School of the elite, government, history. But in order to stay there, you have to take tutoring in core subjects. And still deuces in the quarter, may be eliminated.
Around the house not doing anything at all, not even a Cup for a wash, the grandmother with a stick forced to carry heavy bags of groceries from the store and then on the food tray to the computer is.
"Well, what of him? — already almost crying mother. — I all life gave to him."
Next time I see Sasha one. Really, good boy, good-looking, fashionably and expensively dressed, but not provocatively. Some too good. He's kind of lifeless. The picture in the magazine for girls, the glamorous Prince, though a spot where something was or something.
With me is kept friendly, polite, showcasing openness and willingness to cooperate. Ugh, I feel like a character in an American series for Teens: the protagonist an appointment with a psychoanalyst. I want to say something mate. Okay, remember who's is a Pro.
You won't believe it is almost word for word reproduces the mother's text. 15-year-old boy says, as the school teacher: "I'm lazy. My laziness prevents me to achieve their goals. And again, I really unfocused, unable at one point to stare and to sit an hour."And he is what you want?
Yes nothing want. At school bored stupid lessons, although the teacher is cool, the best. No close friends, and no girlfriend. No plans.
That is, he is not going to bring happiness to mankind any of 1539 ways known civilization, he has no plans to become a Megastar, he doesn't need wealth, career growth and achievements. He doesn't need anything. Thanks, we have everything.Slowly begins to emerge a picture, I will not say very unexpected for me.
Before the age of three Sasha was doing. First, the preparation for school, swimming and English. Then I went to school — was added to horse riding.
Now, in addition to learning math in high school, he goes to English classes at MGIMO, two sports clubs and a tutor. In the yard, no walks, telly not watching — once. In the computer, which complains mother, plays only during the holidays, and even then not every day.Why doesn't he want to?
Formally, all these sessions were voluntarily chosen by Sasha. But when I asked what he wanted to do, if not we had to learn, he says, "play the guitar". (Heard from other respondents: to play football, play on the computer, doing nothing, just walking). Play. Remember this answer and move on.What's wrong with him
You know, I have such clients is a week person three. In almost every case concerning a boy aged 13 to 19 years is about it: you do not want.
In each case I see the same pattern: active, energetic, ambitious mother, the absent father, at home, or grandma, or nanny-housekeeper. More often still the grandmother.Distorted family system: the mother takes the role of a man in the house. She's the breadwinner, she makes all the decisions, contact with the outside world, protect if need be. But she's not home, she's in the fields and on the hunt.
The fire in the hearth supports grandma, only she doesn't have the levers of power in relation to their "common" child, he may not listen, and rude. If it was mom and dad, dad would come from work in the evening, mother would he complained about the misconduct of the son, the dad would beat him and all the love. And then to complain you can, but hit no one.
Mother tries to give her son everything-everything: the most fashionable entertainments, the books, any gifts and purchases. But the son is not happy. And again and again sounds the refrain: "do not want"
And I have some time just starts to itch inside the question:"And when he want something? If it is already long time ago my mom had athotel, otmechala, planned out and done"
That's when the kid is five years sitting alone at home, rolls on the carpet machine, plays, growls, buzzes, building bridges and the fortress at this moment he begins to emerge and Mature desire, vague at first unconsciously, gradually evolving into something specific: I want a big fire truck with men. Then he waits with mom or dad, expresses his desire and receives the response. Usually: "just Wait until the New year (birthday, pay)".
And you have to wait, to endure, to dream about this car before going to sleep, to have a foretaste of the happiness of possession, imagine it is not (yet machine). Thus the child learns to communicate with their inner world in terms of desires.
How about Sasha (and all the other Sash, with which I deal)? Wanted — wrote my mom a text, sent — mother ordered via the Internet in the evening brought.
Or Vice versa: why do you want this machine, you have homework to do, you read two pages of speech therapy primer? Times and cut the yarn. All. To dream but not anymore.
These boys have really is all there: the newest smart phones, the last models of jeans, a trip to the sea four times a year. But the possibility of just kicking the noodle they have. Meanwhile, the boredom — the most that neither is creative state of mind, it is impossible to come up with something.My child has to get bored and homesick, so there was a need to move and act.
And he is deprived of even the basic right to decide him to go to the Maldives or not. Mom's already all decided for him.
What parents say
First I for quite a long time listening to parents. Their claim, frustration, resentment, speculation. Always begins with complaints like "we are everything to him, and he replied — nothing."
The enumeration of what "it all" is impressive. Some things I learn for the first time. For example, I never thought that 15-year-old boy can be led to school by the handle. And still thought that the limit is third grade. Well, the fourth for the girls.
But it turns out that the anxieties and fears moms are pushing them to do the strangest things. And suddenly he is attacked bad boys? And teach him bad (Smoking, swearing, bad words, lying to your parents; the word "drugs" is often not pronounced, because it is very scary).
Often heard such an argument as "You know what time we live." I don't really understand. I think the time is always roughly the same, except just too heavy, for example, when war is right in your city.
In my time walking to the girl 11 years one through the wasteland was dangerous. So we did not go. We know that it is not necessary to go there, and follow the rules. And sexual maniacs were, and in the hallways sometimes robbed.
But what was not is the free press. Therefore, crime reports, people learned from friends of friends, on the principle of "one grandmother said." And, passing through many mouths, the information has become less frightening and more blurred. The type of kidnapping by aliens. Everyone has heard that it happens, but nobody saw.When is this show on TV, with details close up, it becomes the reality that here, in your house. You see it with your eyes, but admit it, most of us never in life seen themselves a victim of assault?The human mind is not adapted to the daily observation of death, especially violent.
It causes severe trauma and to defend against it, modern man does not know how. Therefore, on the one hand, we seem to be more cynical, and with another — do not release children to walk on the street. Because it is dangerous.Most of these helpless and lethargic children grow up those parents who from early childhood was independent.
Too old, too responsible, too early to fend for themselves.
From the first grade came home themselves, the key on a ribbon on the neck, the lessons themselves, to eat, to warm themselves in the best case in the evening the parents will ask: "And what's with the lessons?". For the summer or in camp, or to grandma in the village where there was too much to follow.
And then these children grew up and restructuring happened. A complete change of all: lifestyle, values, guidelines. There is something to be nervous. But the generation has adapted, survived, and even became successful. Driven and diligently do not notice the anxiety remained. And now all in full struck the head of the only child.
Chad and the charges are serious. Parents flatly refuse to admit their contribution to it (Chad) development, they just complain bitterly: "Here I am at his age...".
"I was at his age already knew what they want from life, and he in the 10th grade only toys interested. I since the third grade the lessons were done, and in the eighth he could not at the table to sit down, until the hand will not fail. My parents didn't even know what we program in mathematics, and I now have each example decide"
It is pronounced with a tragic tone, "Where is this world heading?". As if children have to repeat the life path of their parents.
At this point I begin to ask,and what kind of behavior they want from their child.It is quite a funny list, such as the portrait of the ideal man:
1. To do it all himself.
2. To unquestioningly obeyed.
3. Showed initiative.
4. Worked in those circles, which will be useful later in life.
5. Was sensitive and caring and not selfish.
6. Was more assertive and punchy.
In the last paragraphs I was already sad. But my mother, who makes a list, too sad: she noticed the contradiction. "I want the impossible?"
sadly she asks.
Yes, I'm sorry. Or singing, or dancing. Or do you have an obedient, at all agree a brilliant botanist, or energetic, ambitious, penetrating Trinity. Or he sympathizes with you and supports or silently nods and walks past you to your goal.Somewhere took the idea that, correctly dealing with a child, can somehow magically protect him from all future troubles.
As I have said, the benefit from the numerous educational sessions is very relative.
The child misses a really important stage in development and relationships with peers.
- Boys don't learn to come up with a game, activity, not open a new site (because it's dangerous), do not fight, do not know how to assemble a team.
- Girls don't know anything about "women's circle", though with the work they have slightly better things: yet girls are more likely to give in different handiwork, and "score" the need for social communication girls are more difficult.
In addition to child psychology I old memory are also Russian language and literature with students. So in the pursuit of foreign languages parents completely lost their native Russian language.
Vocabulary of teenagers today like Ellochka-Ogress within the hundreds. But proudly declares: the child is studying three foreign languages, including Chinese, and all with native speakers.
And Proverbs children understand literally ("easily not catch and fish from the pond" — what is that?" — "It's about fishing"), the derivational analysis cannot do, difficult experiences trying to explain on the fingers. Because the language is perceived in communication and from books. Not during lessons or sports activities.
What the kids say
"Nobody listens to me. I want to walk home from school with friends, not with the babysitter (driver, support). I don't have time to watch TV, no time to play on the computer.
I have never been to the cinema with friends, only with my parents and their friends. I was not allowed to visit the kids, and to me no one can. Mom checks my briefcase, pockets, phone. If I stay in school at least five minutes, my mother calls."This text is not a first grader. They are pupils of the 9th class say.
See, the complaints can be divided into two categories:
The impression is that the parents noticed that their children grew out of diapers.
- trespassing ("checks for the portfolio, does not wear what I want")
- and, relatively speaking, violence against the person ("nothing").
It is possible, though not harmful, to check the pockets first-graders — at least in order not to wash these pants with chewing gum. But to 14-year-old man well would have to enter the room with a thud. Not with the formal knock — knocked, and entered without waiting for a reply, and respecting his right to privacy.
Criticism of hairstyles, reminder, "Go wash up, you smell bad", the requirement to wear a warm jacket — all this signals the teenager: "You're still young, you have no right to vote, we'll decide." Although we only wanted to protect him from the cold. And it smells really bad.
I can't believe there are still those parents who have not heard: for a teenager the most important part of life — communication with their peers
. But this means that the child is not under parental control, the parents cease to be the ultimate truth.
The creative energy of the child is blocked in this way. After all, if he was not allowed to want what he really needs, he gives up desires in General. Think how terrible it is not to want anything.
Why? Still not allowed, banned, explain that it is harmful and dangerous, "you better go finish your homework"
Our world is far from perfect, it really is unsafe, there is evil and chaos. But we live in it. Allow yourself to love (although it really is an adventure with an unpredictable plot), changing work and housing, are experiencing crises inside and outside. Why don't you allow your children to live?
I have a suspicion that in those families where there are similar problems with the children, parents do not feel their security
. Their lives are too stressful, the stress levels exceed the body's adaptive ability. And so I want to at least the child lived in peace and harmony.
And the child does not want peace. She needs the storm, the achievements and feats. Otherwise, the child lies down on the sofa, dropping everything and ceases to please the eye.What to do
As always: to discuss, make a plan, stick to it
For a start, remember what you ask your child before, and then stopped. I'm pretty sure an hour of daily "absolutely useless" walking with friends is a necessary condition for the mental health of a teenager
You will be surprised, but meaningless "balgonie in a box" (music and entertainment) should be for our children too. They enter a trance-like, meditative state, during which they learn something about themselves
. Not about the artists, stars and show business. About yourself.
The same can be said about computer games, social networking, telephone conversations. It's terribly annoying, but necessary to survive. Can and should restrict, impose any limits and rules, but to totally inhibit a child's life is criminal and short-sighted
Do not learn this lesson now — will be covered later: midlife crisis, moral burnout 35, unwillingness to take responsibility for the family, etc.
Because ridogrel. Have nadolola aimlessly through the streets. Not looked in time all the stupid Comedy, not the neighing of Beavis and Butthead.
I know a boy who drove parents to distraction that spend hours lying in his room and knocked a tennis ball into the wall. Quietly, not so much. Irritated them not for the sound, and the fact that he does nothing. Now 30, he is quite productive man, married, working, active. He had 15 years to stay in its shell.
On the other hand, as a rule, these children are sorely underutilized life. All they do is study. Don't go to the grocery store for the whole family, not wash the floor, don't fix appliances.
Also interesting: the Letter which Your teenager can't write The rules of life with a teenager: required reading for all parentsSo I would give them more freedom inside and limited outside.
So you decide, what are you wearing and what are you doing besides your studies, but here is a list of household chores, go to work.
By the way, the boys are perfectly cooked. And ironed can. And gravity drag as.published
Author: Katerina Demina
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©