54
To hurt someone you love. . .
I will tell you how to overcome conflicts with parents. The general approach is the same as in other cases. To get out of any conflict, you need to adjust the Ego compass: remove the crown and correct the locus. It means bringing self-esteem and boundaries into an adequate state.
But how exactly do you do that with your parents?
Default with parents is subject to the general laws of the field, as is default in a married couple. Something out of default with parents is more difficult: they can not divorce, they can not be considered strangers like a spouse who got to the liver.
But the way out of default with parents is easier: It is not necessary to live with them in the same apartment and even undesirable, you can leave them for a decent distance and sometimes visit. The greater the physical distance, the weaker the severity of the conflict. It does not disappear, but significantly smooths out the distance.
The first rule for getting out of any default, especially in the phase of violence or threatening to go (and marital too) run away! No need to break up relations, say cruel words, put a fat point, you need to peacefully disperse. Not just to leave for a while, but to find a separate home.
This should be done even if the other side is against it, even if the financial disadvantages are very large. This should not be done only if there is no default in the relationship – balance. In all other cases, you save money, but lose health and strength.
Look, from a spouse to take and go to live in another place, without breaking off relations with him, is almost impossible. Travelling is almost divorce. In addition, when traveling with a spouse, the question arises about children: how to carry out joint parenthood, living separately?
Also an important obstacle to the departure of spouses who hope to save the marriage: the fear of infidelity. In default, cheating on both becomes all too likely and could be the final blow to an already fragile marriage. Therefore, spouses quarrel, hate each other, but do not leave in a hurry. That's understandable.
In case of default with parents (or grown children) Departure is possible and necessary. Yes, inertia also resists him, yes, to travel expensively and there is no energy for it, it seems that it is easier to hush up the conflict and pretend that everything is normal. But leaving is almost a prerequisite for getting out of default with parents. Having dispersed, you can reduce its severity several times. It's the law of biology!
Every animal needs a lot of space. between him and another adult. There is no need for special personal space only for males and females during the mating period (which in humans can last a lifetime), and parents with cubs while they are small. With the rest, territorial proximity increases tension and any minor conflict grows. But if you can close the door of your own separate housing (at least just a room, although this is not enough), the tension eases.
Most people more or less understand this, even if they do not analyze it: they instinctively want to leave to “rest” from each other. Resistance from one side should be seen as normal but temporary. You need to leave peacefully, doing more good for the other. Then, after the departure, a new life will soon begin.
However, the conflict from distance does not disappear. Its sharpness decreases, the affect, that is, emotional intensity, weakens, and it becomes possible to control yourself a little.
To control is first and foremost to remove the crown and correct the locus. What does this mean in the case of parents?
There are two main problems with parents:
1) infantile dependence on their evaluation (thirst for approval),
(2) Self-centered confluence of borders and territorial confusion (I want = you have to).
Both problems are related, but we will consider them separately.
Infantile dependence on the assessment of the parent is manifested in the fact that a person is vitally necessary for the parent to be satisfied with him, considered him a good, successful person, more successful than others. Otherwise, there's pain.
Many, having discovered the source of pain, bring anger upon their parents. It hurts because parents compared a lot in childhood and praised little, and even now they do not praise, but scold. No, friends, it's because you have a dependent self-esteem and it's vital to be very good in the eyes of a parent, you're still toddlers, you consider a parent a milking udder that you can feed yourself with forever, and you deny the parent his subjectivity.
A parent in your perception has no right to evaluate you except with approval. Other people can, and a parent is denied that right in your worldview. He is part of your self-esteem, he is responsible for your self-esteem, he is the slave of your lamp. Do you think this is normal for an adult?
Look what this leads to.
You pull approval from a parent and knock it out, and he snaps back and criticizes you more strongly than if you left forceps and rollers. And the less he gives, the rougher you drag, and the rougher you drag, the stronger he snaps. It's the law of default, remember? Forceps + forceps = roller coaster, roller coaster + roller coaster = fight. The person from whom you pull something out all the time will be irritated at you, and the more you pull out, the stronger his desire to kick you.
If a neighbor tells you that someone has a good husband or a new car, you will listen with interest or indifference. If your mom tells you, you'll take it as a challenge: Someone's got a cool husband, and you're a loser with your bad husband, and he's got a new car, and you're not going to give up your license, or you're going to fix your trash on weekends. Of course, mom says this because she wants to hurt you personally, because she is part of your self-esteem, not an individual.
You constantly feel her possible criticism as an axe over your head, and every conversation you have turns into a demonstration of your success. Notice? You brag to your mom and praise yourself to make her acknowledge your success.
This will make your parent criticize you even more. It seems to him that you do not notice your shortcomings, are satisfied with yourself, revel in your successes, and therefore will not improve anything in your life. Your life is not very good from a parent’s point of view. They are biased because they want the best for you.
You probably know this conversation:
It seems to her that the only way out of such a ring is to stop loving her mother, accuse and condemn her completely.Not to wait for approval and not to feel guilty. And posts about respect for parents seem to be a hindrance on the way to separation, hence the cause of such a fountain of emotions.
In fact, healthy separation is done only on the basis of respect.
Not on the basis of resentment and hatred!
Look at what’s behind the dialogue in reality.
In reality, the daughter has already begun a dialogue, being hurt by chronic maternal disapproval. Therefore, she began to brag about a super-successful project (bragging = a desire to deliberately demonstrate strength to enemies). And the mother is chronically hurt by the fact that all her advice and arguments are constantly devalued and called stupid and worthless, stands in tough opposition and puts forward her greatest fear for the fate of her daughter - the lack of an apartment. Here, the conflict quickly turns into the old channel: "You're a chicken" - "You're a blue stocking" and a fight begins.
The same can be true of any maternal disapproval.
- How's yours?
- All right! Great. Brought me a bouquet of roses yesterday.
- You bought it at the flower base? Better get married. You will serve him like a slave once a week.
- Stay away from me, I told you! Look at you, I've lived my whole life with a drunk! I'd hang myself from that life.
What is it? The fact that the mother is very worried about the personal life of the daughter, and the daughter to the question of a friend would say “yes, nothing like yesterday brought roses, although his intentions are completely unclear”, and the mother says “excellent! super!” because she wants her recognition and never receives. The mother is immediately upset because she thinks that my daughter does not even understand that everything is not so great if a man gives nothing but a bouquet of flowers. And the mother opens her daughter's eyes! And the daughter defends herself.
So what?
To remove the crown is to admit that your mother does not think you are the best. It is terrible only from the habit, but it is quite tolerable and even good. You're not the best in your mother's eyes, not perfect, not the most successful. She would like a different fate for you, a different job, a different husband (and a different wife), much better than she is.
Acknowledge it and accept it, agree that your mother is like this, and yours is different. She looks at other people’s successes and dreams that you have everything beautiful. She also has a crown, of course, maternal, but take care of your crown and the conflict will abruptly weaken. From your mother’s point of view, you are a beloved, dear, closest, but not very successful person. Your life could be much better if you listened to it (the hypercontrol that all loving parents suffer in some way, and you will too).
You're not very successful in your mother's eyes. Repeat this to yourself a hundred times until you stop reacting painfully and building illusions. You build illusions, and then those illusions are broken and hence your rage. Agree that your mother will never be delighted with your behavior, and if it happens suddenly, she will quickly find flaws. All right. All mothers are.
Why is that? Although it is clear that because of the merger, because they want you all the best from their point of view. The key is yours. You have the right to do what you want without paying attention to your mother’s ideals. But she has these ideals, different from yours, she is a separate person, but can not treat you as an outsider, because she has invested a lot of herself in you, and she does not have very boundaries, as well as you.
Although it's probably worse if you're so mad. Instead of evaluating your mom’s boundaries, do your own. When you judge someone else’s boundaries, you automatically step out of your own.
If in a relationship between two people one has excellent boundaries, in the second they also adjust and become better. That is, you can adjust the boundaries in the relationship unilaterally, especially having a physical distance at your disposal (when you can just stand up, politely say goodbye and leave).
The crown is almost impossible to remove unless you have separated the boundaries. That is, to calmly accept that your mother does not consider you the best and even feels sorry for you often, you need to separate self-esteem from her, to recognize that you are not a single whole, but two close, but separate people. You have to let your mom have a different perspective, see you in her own way, represent you differently than you do. Cover her mouth and shout “don’t dare to get into my life without wearing soft slippers of adoration” at the same time it is impossible, if you seriously do not want to break with her. You don't want to, do you?
4 Ways to Live Your Life: Where You Will Be When You Cross the Finish Line
Rejected Bodies: How Media Makes Us Hate Ourselves
Your goal is to have a good relationship. So start with yourself. Let her get into your life, let her find flaws in her and let her tell you, and you take it a little detached. Thank you, Mom, for worrying about me, don't worry, maybe it's not that bad, I'm sorry I'm upsetting you. And go about your business, do not hang out with rollers and forceps, continuing to argue with her and make her admit your rightness. He never will. But you can love each other in this way, not squeezing out of each other unanimity and unanimity, not merging into one being, remaining different in all senses.
See how much less complaints she will have and how often she will say that you have a lot of good things. Admiration will never be most likely (you are always worthy of more from her point of view), but she will begin to praise you as soon as she notices that you do not answer her every word: what you climb, what you understand, I do not want to be like you.
You hurt her, she tries to hurt you. And you both love each other. Isn't it hell to hurt someone you love? The Real Hell Published
Author: Marina Komissarova
Source: evo-lutio.livejournal.com/351122.html
But how exactly do you do that with your parents?
Default with parents is subject to the general laws of the field, as is default in a married couple. Something out of default with parents is more difficult: they can not divorce, they can not be considered strangers like a spouse who got to the liver.
But the way out of default with parents is easier: It is not necessary to live with them in the same apartment and even undesirable, you can leave them for a decent distance and sometimes visit. The greater the physical distance, the weaker the severity of the conflict. It does not disappear, but significantly smooths out the distance.
The first rule for getting out of any default, especially in the phase of violence or threatening to go (and marital too) run away! No need to break up relations, say cruel words, put a fat point, you need to peacefully disperse. Not just to leave for a while, but to find a separate home.
This should be done even if the other side is against it, even if the financial disadvantages are very large. This should not be done only if there is no default in the relationship – balance. In all other cases, you save money, but lose health and strength.
Look, from a spouse to take and go to live in another place, without breaking off relations with him, is almost impossible. Travelling is almost divorce. In addition, when traveling with a spouse, the question arises about children: how to carry out joint parenthood, living separately?
Also an important obstacle to the departure of spouses who hope to save the marriage: the fear of infidelity. In default, cheating on both becomes all too likely and could be the final blow to an already fragile marriage. Therefore, spouses quarrel, hate each other, but do not leave in a hurry. That's understandable.
In case of default with parents (or grown children) Departure is possible and necessary. Yes, inertia also resists him, yes, to travel expensively and there is no energy for it, it seems that it is easier to hush up the conflict and pretend that everything is normal. But leaving is almost a prerequisite for getting out of default with parents. Having dispersed, you can reduce its severity several times. It's the law of biology!
Every animal needs a lot of space. between him and another adult. There is no need for special personal space only for males and females during the mating period (which in humans can last a lifetime), and parents with cubs while they are small. With the rest, territorial proximity increases tension and any minor conflict grows. But if you can close the door of your own separate housing (at least just a room, although this is not enough), the tension eases.
Most people more or less understand this, even if they do not analyze it: they instinctively want to leave to “rest” from each other. Resistance from one side should be seen as normal but temporary. You need to leave peacefully, doing more good for the other. Then, after the departure, a new life will soon begin.
However, the conflict from distance does not disappear. Its sharpness decreases, the affect, that is, emotional intensity, weakens, and it becomes possible to control yourself a little.
To control is first and foremost to remove the crown and correct the locus. What does this mean in the case of parents?
There are two main problems with parents:
1) infantile dependence on their evaluation (thirst for approval),
(2) Self-centered confluence of borders and territorial confusion (I want = you have to).
Both problems are related, but we will consider them separately.
Infantile dependence on the assessment of the parent is manifested in the fact that a person is vitally necessary for the parent to be satisfied with him, considered him a good, successful person, more successful than others. Otherwise, there's pain.
Many, having discovered the source of pain, bring anger upon their parents. It hurts because parents compared a lot in childhood and praised little, and even now they do not praise, but scold. No, friends, it's because you have a dependent self-esteem and it's vital to be very good in the eyes of a parent, you're still toddlers, you consider a parent a milking udder that you can feed yourself with forever, and you deny the parent his subjectivity.
A parent in your perception has no right to evaluate you except with approval. Other people can, and a parent is denied that right in your worldview. He is part of your self-esteem, he is responsible for your self-esteem, he is the slave of your lamp. Do you think this is normal for an adult?
Look what this leads to.
You pull approval from a parent and knock it out, and he snaps back and criticizes you more strongly than if you left forceps and rollers. And the less he gives, the rougher you drag, and the rougher you drag, the stronger he snaps. It's the law of default, remember? Forceps + forceps = roller coaster, roller coaster + roller coaster = fight. The person from whom you pull something out all the time will be irritated at you, and the more you pull out, the stronger his desire to kick you.
If a neighbor tells you that someone has a good husband or a new car, you will listen with interest or indifference. If your mom tells you, you'll take it as a challenge: Someone's got a cool husband, and you're a loser with your bad husband, and he's got a new car, and you're not going to give up your license, or you're going to fix your trash on weekends. Of course, mom says this because she wants to hurt you personally, because she is part of your self-esteem, not an individual.
You constantly feel her possible criticism as an axe over your head, and every conversation you have turns into a demonstration of your success. Notice? You brag to your mom and praise yourself to make her acknowledge your success.
This will make your parent criticize you even more. It seems to him that you do not notice your shortcomings, are satisfied with yourself, revel in your successes, and therefore will not improve anything in your life. Your life is not very good from a parent’s point of view. They are biased because they want the best for you.
You probably know this conversation:
- I came up with a new creative project. Genius!
- I'd rather buy an apartment. How long are you going to take to the removables?
- Why would I want an apartment? I don't care about petty-bourgeois values. I'm not a chicken.
- You'll die childless and alone.
It seems to her that the only way out of such a ring is to stop loving her mother, accuse and condemn her completely.Not to wait for approval and not to feel guilty. And posts about respect for parents seem to be a hindrance on the way to separation, hence the cause of such a fountain of emotions.
In fact, healthy separation is done only on the basis of respect.
Not on the basis of resentment and hatred!
Look at what’s behind the dialogue in reality.
In reality, the daughter has already begun a dialogue, being hurt by chronic maternal disapproval. Therefore, she began to brag about a super-successful project (bragging = a desire to deliberately demonstrate strength to enemies). And the mother is chronically hurt by the fact that all her advice and arguments are constantly devalued and called stupid and worthless, stands in tough opposition and puts forward her greatest fear for the fate of her daughter - the lack of an apartment. Here, the conflict quickly turns into the old channel: "You're a chicken" - "You're a blue stocking" and a fight begins.
The same can be true of any maternal disapproval.
- How's yours?
- All right! Great. Brought me a bouquet of roses yesterday.
- You bought it at the flower base? Better get married. You will serve him like a slave once a week.
- Stay away from me, I told you! Look at you, I've lived my whole life with a drunk! I'd hang myself from that life.
What is it? The fact that the mother is very worried about the personal life of the daughter, and the daughter to the question of a friend would say “yes, nothing like yesterday brought roses, although his intentions are completely unclear”, and the mother says “excellent! super!” because she wants her recognition and never receives. The mother is immediately upset because she thinks that my daughter does not even understand that everything is not so great if a man gives nothing but a bouquet of flowers. And the mother opens her daughter's eyes! And the daughter defends herself.
So what?
To remove the crown is to admit that your mother does not think you are the best. It is terrible only from the habit, but it is quite tolerable and even good. You're not the best in your mother's eyes, not perfect, not the most successful. She would like a different fate for you, a different job, a different husband (and a different wife), much better than she is.
Acknowledge it and accept it, agree that your mother is like this, and yours is different. She looks at other people’s successes and dreams that you have everything beautiful. She also has a crown, of course, maternal, but take care of your crown and the conflict will abruptly weaken. From your mother’s point of view, you are a beloved, dear, closest, but not very successful person. Your life could be much better if you listened to it (the hypercontrol that all loving parents suffer in some way, and you will too).
You're not very successful in your mother's eyes. Repeat this to yourself a hundred times until you stop reacting painfully and building illusions. You build illusions, and then those illusions are broken and hence your rage. Agree that your mother will never be delighted with your behavior, and if it happens suddenly, she will quickly find flaws. All right. All mothers are.
Why is that? Although it is clear that because of the merger, because they want you all the best from their point of view. The key is yours. You have the right to do what you want without paying attention to your mother’s ideals. But she has these ideals, different from yours, she is a separate person, but can not treat you as an outsider, because she has invested a lot of herself in you, and she does not have very boundaries, as well as you.
Although it's probably worse if you're so mad. Instead of evaluating your mom’s boundaries, do your own. When you judge someone else’s boundaries, you automatically step out of your own.
If in a relationship between two people one has excellent boundaries, in the second they also adjust and become better. That is, you can adjust the boundaries in the relationship unilaterally, especially having a physical distance at your disposal (when you can just stand up, politely say goodbye and leave).
The crown is almost impossible to remove unless you have separated the boundaries. That is, to calmly accept that your mother does not consider you the best and even feels sorry for you often, you need to separate self-esteem from her, to recognize that you are not a single whole, but two close, but separate people. You have to let your mom have a different perspective, see you in her own way, represent you differently than you do. Cover her mouth and shout “don’t dare to get into my life without wearing soft slippers of adoration” at the same time it is impossible, if you seriously do not want to break with her. You don't want to, do you?
4 Ways to Live Your Life: Where You Will Be When You Cross the Finish Line
Rejected Bodies: How Media Makes Us Hate Ourselves
Your goal is to have a good relationship. So start with yourself. Let her get into your life, let her find flaws in her and let her tell you, and you take it a little detached. Thank you, Mom, for worrying about me, don't worry, maybe it's not that bad, I'm sorry I'm upsetting you. And go about your business, do not hang out with rollers and forceps, continuing to argue with her and make her admit your rightness. He never will. But you can love each other in this way, not squeezing out of each other unanimity and unanimity, not merging into one being, remaining different in all senses.
See how much less complaints she will have and how often she will say that you have a lot of good things. Admiration will never be most likely (you are always worthy of more from her point of view), but she will begin to praise you as soon as she notices that you do not answer her every word: what you climb, what you understand, I do not want to be like you.
You hurt her, she tries to hurt you. And you both love each other. Isn't it hell to hurt someone you love? The Real Hell Published
Author: Marina Komissarova
Source: evo-lutio.livejournal.com/351122.html