Offended and indignant – all the same what to drink poison in hopes that it will kill your enemies.
All the people tend to be offended. While some harbored resentment and worry in the soul, and the other immediately given to understand that their feelings are hurt. What are we offended? Let's try to understand this.
Obidki 1. You're fat (and it's true).
The guy said very full the girl that she's fat. The girl herself knows it, but the fact that it drew attention, very sad. The company decided not to talk about a problem or "defect". Such a social contract
, I'm not saying you're fat and you're not telling me that I have bad breath.
And then suddenly there is a break the usual pattern: someone tells us something unpleasant about us, touches us in our complex. This is something quite true, but it's a shame, because a man of culture focuses on those moments. Cultured man avoids tactless comments
. Civilized man... do not Stop! How do we get all this stuff? Why we suddenly decided as it enters or not enters a man of culture? How do we know that this particular person cultural? That's all we have thought up.
Of course, some rules of etiquette were invented to us, but we have them safely copied and began to use them. We have created certain expectations of how (not) supposed to do. And when people fail this way, we take offense to it. Right? Right.
Obidki 2. You're fat (it isn't).
The guy said its a slim girl that she's fat. And, of course, is offended. After all, she's not fat, she is slim, and he didn't notice. Even worse, the guy saw a girl not like seeing the girl.When people see us not as we wish they we are seen, we are very much hurt to the ego
. But people see many aspects of different. If two people of unequal measure different foreign things, or foreign people, resentment is not the cause. Quite different is the case if at least one of them is involved in an emotional connection with the subject under discussion, or person – in this case, there is a serious reason for resentment.
Obidki 3. Friend did not fulfill the promise.
Promised to help to repair the motorcycle, but did not come to the garage and had to do everything myself. Well have just asked him, and he didn't (it still hurt, but not as much). But he promised and not fulfilled!
We do not consider any circumstances that could lead to this event (sick, overslept), or priorities (was busy with something more important), nor a different system of values (for example, for each obligation may be of secondary value, or it may be not peculiar to him), or properties of the person (he may be distracted, forgetful). For us more important is that he has not had the desired (from our point of view) attention to us. And from this we begin to raise his offense.
Obidki 4. Each refused to help.
How could he?! I and the watermelon waited until he was podmareva, and the store just went along with him, and fish fed him when he was on a business trip went. I just gave you money and he turned me down!!! Traitor.
Of course, I'm exaggerating, but this happens. We expect people to our problems will be treated as his, and again forget that these same people don't we.
Moreover, in some cases, we would have refused to help.
But in order to understand this, we must first put yourself in the other person, and we, because of our selfishness, we forget about it. And even if we hadn't refused to help, there is still a whole bunch of unaccounted factors (each no one ever borrows money friend was in a difficult financial situation, but doesn't want to admit it, each saving up for a present for his wife/mother/girlfriend). But you never know, in the end, another reason to refuse to help? If we for a moment think about it, we realize that each owes nothing and therefore can do whatever he wants. And our offense is only that the friend had not done so, we would not have done what we expected.
Obidki 5. You never take me to their party.
What can I say, this is a serious offense. You go to your company, you are there to relax, have fun, and I miss it. You me never take, and I would also like to have fun.
Of course, from the point of view of the family, such a claim is a serious problem that must be addressed. But in this article we are not looking for solutions to family problems, and trying to systematize knowledge of the offense.
And if you stand on the other side – hurt can dissipate. Remember, we went to visit friends? You sat all night with lean face, and all that was left for me, not to have fun with and entertain you? To entertain you at home and I can and I have fun with the company.Again, we are offended, based on our selfish reasons and expectations.
But the partner does not have all the time to give us, he may have interests outside the relationship. It broadens the mind of man, makes it more interesting to talk to.
Obidki 6. She came up, she was offended.
Husband is sleeping, suddenly the wife slapped him in the face. Husband shocked:
— For what?
— I dreamt that you cheated on me.
In this category you can get the most improbable offenses, but they are the place to be in our lives. In the mind of the time there is internal dialogue. People constantly think through, as it was, as it could be.
Very often it happens that a person preparing for any situation, pronounces her role for himself and for his interlocutor, and, based on previous experience with the opponent is, how would he act or what to say. And if he won't like this present reaction, he would be offended at his companion. He still did not have time to do, and already hurt.
And resentment, in fact, fictional, and communication has not yet taken place, and the negative reaction has not kept itself waiting.
Grievances can be listed endlessly, but in these six grievances were concluded principal. If you look closely, you can see in these statements a General. We resent the fact that we don't like. We get offended because I don't live in the real universe, and build our expectations of people and events. And now the question arises, who is to blame for all our wrongs?
The answer is very simple. And as always, the main culprit of our troubles, sorrows and disappointments. We invent, how (not) that people should do. This we come up with what they (don't) have to say. This we come up with like (not) the events will develop. And then take offense that is not so.
: Resentment and resentment — what's the difference?
How to overcome resentment? How to stop ruining relationships and to stop being offended? On the one hand it is very simple, with another – is almost impossible. We should just stop expecting anything from life, the world, people. Just live in peace and accept it for what it is. Rather difficult because for this it is necessary to change themselves. To change our attitude. And it's a long, painstaking, sometimes tedious and annoying work. After all, we must abandon the usual bits and pieces of ourselves, but instead to a new, unknown part.
Let people be themselves. Let the events happen. Allow yourself to enjoy what is happening. And, most importantly, don't forget to smile! published
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©
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