Any codependent behavior comes down to one simple question — a question of personal boundaries man. The way we taught them to feel and recognize, that determines our future life, and how we build relationships.
If our family borderline personality strongly violated and openly, and covertly, we will also conduct ourselves in any other relationship. As another example, we did not have.
I want to talk about the process relationships that may be hidden and few detectable, which together greatly influence how we feel, approaching the other.
If physical violence, crudeness, rudeness, open conflict can be seen a mile away (and everything is clear: in relations to some crisis, an abscess, it is important to do something), that is manipulation, which is not visible, and we can suffer much more.
We are talking about a codependent relationship that involve in its database the relationship between two very vulnerable and immature individuals, which can survive only in coupling with each other.
If we are talking about personality, healthy, holistic (as far as humanly possible, because we all have our wounds), then such person will be sensitive to any breaking of the borders — and bright, visible, and illegally hidden.
So, the ways in which we can manipulate each other, if it is bad feel and its borders:1. When another bad — an urgent need to help him
You can try to do it yourself or feel that you treat others. And if at this time you are emotionally vulnerable, not in a resource and need support — such interventions can be very pleased. Yes. It's so nice for someone to alleviate suffering or to those who facilitate them. Moreover, without a request or appeal, and so by itself, like magic!However, there is a trap.
One who helps, begins to feel absolute power over who helps. According to the law additions — one to help, begins to feel deep gratitude and a kind of feeling that is in captivity. Although sweet captivity...
Of course, none of this couple does not clarify what other whether this other so-and-so or so-and-so. It's simple, without clarification. But inevitably (Yes, inevitably!) after some time there is some weight — and one, and the second. The first partner is tired (all the time you need to control to others was all good and it's very cumbersome), the second is terrible and even awful (because it can at any time to throw, let go and move away, leaving alone. But he was already so used to it!).
If people have disturbed sensitivity, they will not be able to recognize these aspects and to identify their own boundaries and responsibility. For his life — in the first place. And leave responsibility for the life partner to him.How not to fall for this trap
Here is the most effective way is your feelings. All that we can to recognize - at least a headache, at least in the sense that "something is wrong", though, just a slight nausea in my head. Sometimes a sharp desire to drink, smoke or eat (when, in General, well-fed). Usually people with codependent patterns feelings blunt, they poorly recognize them.
Therefore, you should focus on bodily sensations. If you found lingering confusion (or that "something is wrong") — immediately stop all processes. Do not accept help, and don't give it. Pause. And ask yourself: what am I currently experiencing? What pisses me off? I want to be? What I want is not it? It is important to bring yourself back to yourself by any means.
2. We were so close to each other — as one. And suddenly it's all gone!
Contrasenya humans are also dependent, just counter. That is, with the sign "minus". They do not "stick" to the object of addiction, they abruptly "pulled out" from contact with others as soon as I smell that losing feeling. It has nothing to do with personal freedom, but only to try to get rid of the fear of absorption, having run off to the desired distance.
But on the inside they are also important affection and intimacy, like all people. Even more likely, very important. Muslims aspire to it, and with all your soul scared her. So they are contradictory...
Therefore, on the one hand, they are desperately looking for someone warm, gentle and accepting, on the other — desperately flee from it as soon as you start to long-awaited tenderness and love.
It is ironic, sad, sad. But the fact is.
If the next person with a tendency to codependent behaviors (addict prosecution) abrupt disappearance contravening partner will cause severe pain. And codependent will start desperately to catch up and regain their "missing half" (that half, because in such attitudes a priori are not holistic). The process is cyclical. Contravisory have to run out to a safe distance, peredohnet, and begin to miss someone that was so good! I'll try to come back, but again "jump" in horror absorption. A codependent will feel again pain.What need to pay attention
If you do or you do — try to notice those experiences that occur when sudden approximation and a sharp break. Try to notice your motives when you "whole soul" will stretch to, in fact, unfamiliar person. Try to notice the feelings when a sudden lost connection — the anger, pain, resentment? Or strong relief, but also a profound loneliness?
In any case, if your emotions are charged, the amplitude of energy in the body high (i.e. you are emotionally wildly excited — it doesn't matter "intoxication others" or rage) — this means that the "codependent program" has started to work. This means that your identity is psychologically very hungry and forced to work on high speed, as it really needs, strong and long-frustrated needs.
3. Provocation competition.
How do I bind to a human with weak senses of self-worth, which I have many times "rescued" from a lot of adversity very well and sincerely to him, impressed and admired them, and it had got over him a very great power? I some times dramatically rejected him — avoiding intimacy.
Very simple. Add to this remarkable cocktail "flavor" — the provocation of the competition!
I'll tell you about my relations with other women, men. I'm going to do this "how-to simply share my experience." But, I will put in the "barrel of honey the spoon of tar". Inadvertently, I will compare our and those relationships. Or the people you're angry, I'll justify.
I strongly provoke you to feel the need to fight for me. And still someone.
I'm going to casually hint to you that "you're not the only I" and even more ruthlessly... that you replace easily! However, non-verbal, to provide such signs, which will say the opposite: that you are everything to me!What you need to pay attention
When you eat a delicious and sweet cake, but still very hungry, or maybe I just haven't had sweet and soooo wanted this cake! And here comes some kind of wormhole... I don't know, a piece of bell pepper or red hot. Maybe something just really bitter and nasty... And the psyche, which so inspired this long-awaited cake, I will want to ignore this unpleasant event — this pepper... Well, of course — it was so good, and then... Maybe that was for me?
That's something that certainly it is important to note that emerging the idea: it seemed to me! This may be not a thought, just tears will perform on the eyes — and it would seem that "just upset, who knows what". Or some irritation or sense of inappropriateness, the brain will attribute a "my personal cockroaches." Here it all it is very important to pay attention to. These "signs" — are the keys that reveal manipulation. Thanks to them, has a chance to change codependent pattern. If you notice something like that- again — a pause in the conversation. Increase your distance. Detail and take your feelings with your therapist.
You ask, and how relatively "healthy person" would react to such illegal hacking boundaries?
I will say this. First, a healthy personality would be all the cheerleaders! From the very beginning! Especially attempt another sharply and quickly get into rapport, telling a lot of details about his personal history, asking about the history else actively caring for another or Vice versa — much ignoring him and ignoring (or, alternately). And so the scenario.
Inner abundance leads to externalTo love a living person: to consider, to recognize and accept
Alertness and, consequently, maintaining a safe distance, of healthy irritation to hacking attempts borders — these are feelings of healthy person (I say conditionally because completely healthy, as you know, does not happen) at the meeting with the man, demonstrating or contrasenya codependent patterns of behavior. You can also feel tenderness, sadness, sorrow, regret, helplessness. In the middle range of intensity.
No affects the type of infinite tenderness, mind-blowing sexual excitement or wild fury! Affective reactions always mark already accomplished "coupling" of the two vulnerable and needy people.published
Author Elena Mitina