I got a man...

I got a man. For the first time. All my friends they've been there, but I somehow did. No, certainly, familiar men at me were, but all of them existed outside of limits of my apartment, appearing in her only incidentally. But one day...

In the morning I went to the toilet and saw the toilet seat up.

Thus began a new era in my life. In the house lived a man. Although at first I thought he will not get accustomed: they whimsical...

First, he said that since we decided to live together, then use a condom now simply inhumane. He did not specify against whom. Suggests three options. Beloved, it seems, was interested in only one of him. It did not suit me. I accused him of selfishness and carelessness. He was advised to buy a vibrator. I am reminded that we live in the era of AIDS. He said that he's not. I twisted a finger at a temple.

He shoved the tie into the suitcase. I smiled wryly. He slammed the door. I dyed my hair.

He opened with his key. Barely had time to close the pharmacy. Here, stretched thin packing.

And unless you were red?..

So we began to live together. Returning home that evening, I'm not frightened, if saw in their window light. And not said into the phone: “You got the wrong number” if someone said his name.

Everything else my pillow smelled of his Cologne. The beloved snored in the night, pulled on itself a blanket. The blanket fell to the floor. Neither myself nor the people He used to read in the toilet Marinin, and then shouted into the hole the Paper! Pluck the first Chapter! And I this stuff more in the house not seen!..

And away he quoted from Kant. And daily came to a cat a tail on a daily basis and was assured that it was an accident. Taught me how to navigate by the stars, away from the house of my friends. Why gave me an inflatable boat, I crawled to my mother: Svetlana Alekseevna...

Svetlana — once again frowning mother.

He woke me up at night with kisses, washing your face, snorted. Sprinkles the bathroom mirror with toothpaste, winter gave me strawberries. In short, he was irresistible.

In my house there was a music center and a dumbbell. Music was heard from morning till night. Dumbbells nothing. Pylesos carpet, I had to move them from place to place. Guests were constantly bumping into them. Neigbour Katya has told that “these zhelezjaki” spoil an aesthetic appearance of the living room. Unable to stand, I offered to clean this phallic symbol in the pantry. Favorite smitten with righteous anger. Reminded that a healthy mind is only in healthy body. And in General, he is already looked after a suitable post in the “sporting Goods”.

The biceps should be pumped... — confided it to me.

But now I have always been the shaving foam. Besides, I was able to participate fully in conversations of girlfriends on the theme “my yesterday”:

a) till the morning played computer games,

b) a whole day spent under the car

C) has eaten a week stock of cutlets,

g) broke a bowl and replaced the blown bulb

d) again, Smoking in the toilet,

(e) said series stultifying,

f) the whole evening,watching Boxing,

h) hid my phone book,

and) ...scum and bloodsucker.

In short, cohabitation with a man brought mass of opening. And not very pleasant.

Opening first: he is.

Opening the second: he constantly wanted to eat! Coffee and a tangerine for Breakfast did not suit him. Came in the house hated me before products: a butter, bacon, sugar, vodka, macaroni. Ranking of mayonnaise skyrocketed. In women's magazines, I began to pay attention to culinary prescriptions. And the eternal question “What to cook for dinner?” tormented me worse than hamlet's. I zverela.

I incessantly something fried, cooked, rubbed and tried. I gained three kilos. Favorite was a smart, cheerful and always ready to receive food. When he with a phrase “we Have something delicious?” climbed into the fridge five minutes after lunch, I wanted to give him behind a kick! And shut the door. I began to dream that the stores got the packages with an inscription: “Meal man's. 10 kg”. Bought and day...

Opening third: he hid socks. I hope not from me. The fact that he wore them, of course, was not a mystery to me. The light of my eyes never wound legs foot bindings and did not go barefoot. He used textile and hosiery benefits of civilization, but... Came home from work, he first sought out private places and there like a Chipmunk stash, hid them, preliminary having curtailed in the form of a compact zagagulina. And no amount of training could make him relate these “snails” at least in the bathroom. Obsessively my man parked the socks under the sofa, under an armchair and, it seems, was ready to pull out of the floor, there to bury their treasures.

Opening the fourth: he made the will each time, when he had a toothache or runny nose. He moaned and groaned like a wounded Buffalo. He choked at the word “clinic” and appealed to my mercy. Demanded to finish it, to relieve of inhuman sufferings. Holding my hand, he nobly advised before sale to paint old “Opel”. And like a real man, stifling sobs on his deathbed, saying goodbye to sweet to his heart things: musical disks, a mobile phone and the newspaper “Sport-Express”.

The opening of the fifth: he could remain silent. He could have the whole evening to sit in front of TV and not utter thus words. Let him he who knows two languages and having higher education, would limit dialogue with me three phrases: “Good morning dear”, “What's for dinner, love?” and “Come to me...” for the sake of Justice it should be noted that its dialogue with mum or telephone conversations with friends too did not differ special eloquence. And his relationship with his best friend was built at the joint viewing of football matches and pronouncing succinct comments: Paz! Pass, I say!.. Well shit!.. You know, give me a beer...

The opening of the sixth: being able to remain silent, he could not stand silence. This paradox I haven't figured out yet. Moreover, to the music center he touched more often than me, he almost never departed from the TV, switching channels with rate of light. From beginning to end my favorite was watching the news and sports. The rest of the time he clicked the remote. The pictures in the TV flashed, as in a terrible kaleidoscope. My head was spinning. And God forbid be on the line between him and the TV. There followed a sharp diplomatic demarche: get Out of the screen!

The opening of the seventh: he zealously guarded their territory. His possessions were considered: a place at the table again, and a favorite chair or two. Even guests could not sit on his stool in the kitchen. And the poor cat shot out of a soft chair, barely hearing the familiar heavy tread. I boundaries are not violated. The female intuition prompted me, that it is better not to usurp the male throne, his sacred mug and majestic Slippers. But it is possible to hide hated dumbbells. Or even to hand over them in scrap metal — my precious sportsman loss> hardly notice.

Opening eight: supervision and control. Who are you talking to on the phone?.. Who is this bespectacled man in the picture?.. Where have you been from four to five?.. Where did you get those earrings?..

With a friend. My brother. In the Barber shop. You gave...

The opening of the ninth: I could not spend hours lying in the scented bath. My devestatingly Bunny trying to break into the premises. It is urgently needed toothbrush. I needed to watch for two months the current cock. That he was interested in if it fits with me and how much waters will supersede thus our bodies under Archimedes law. He was just bored one, and he whines at the door, appealing to my conscience:

I suffer from a lack of communication! But once I exit sufferer then contentedly returned to his chair. Hey, what about Archimedes ' principle? — I asked.

Taking a shower, was told cute and I buried my head in the newspaper.

Opening of the tenth: he grew a beard. She grew, of course, to our, let's say old-fashioned, cohabitation. But before Dating my hero came smoothly shaved, and now I was watching him almost around the clock... I began to peel off the skin on the face.

Opening of the eleventh: he could not remember our celebratory dates!!! Exactly. Amnesia. Selective memory lapses. He remembered the Bastille day, day of checkup and day of own leaving the army but my date of birth could not gain a foothold in any of its hemispheres. However, he'd miss even New year, if not widespread excitement. On the streets there were aunts with fur-trees. It is time to buy champagne, he did profound insights.


Life with a woman — 17 surprises

Carlos Castaneda: the fear ische 3 of the enemy of man


Opening of the twelfth: he was terribly impractical. He didn't know how to plan our budget. Having gone for a meal, brought five bottles of beer, bag of chips and a bowl of ice cream. Hesitated to take the change. The market does not know how to bargain. Bought all that was give him cunning Granny. And one day instead of potatoes brought roses. I just sighed. I love you, " he said, holding out the flowers.

Opening of the twelfth-a-half: he loves me... In General, life with a man is like a game of chess. The continuous blitz with not quite clear rules. So the horse is not walking. Silly... But what do you think about the horse? The letter “Gy”... It let the neighbor with the letter “Gee” goes. And I'll go like this...

Since when are the new rules? — Last minute... I said. Go, my love... published


Author: Natalia Radulova


Source: happyphilosophy.ru/post/112033813193/ja-zavela-sebe-muzhchinu


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