Be strong: fee for "strength" Bashny.Net

"I do everything myself. Can I make, pull. Anybody about anything do not ask. »

Fee for total independence - fatigue, exhaustion, inability to rely on anyone but yourself

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"I'm still myself." Why?

On the one hand - the inability and the inability to ask for help. Yes, it is.

But on the other - a deep sense of the need to justify its existence on this earth. "When I overcame fatigue and pain, to step over themselves, make more human forces, ignoring their wishes and needs, I mean ... I can ... live.»

One can only live if you're a hero. To justify my life to do very much at the limit of human capabilities, you need to be stronger, smarter, faster. And, of course, myself. Otherwise, it is not considered.

The roots of this belief deep in childhood.

They can be based on low self-esteem. "You are like you - you're nobody. Be more than you have, and then you have earned the right to exist. Right, so you were considered ". Father's rejection. Mom's neglect. Constant need to "deserving" and "justify».

Perhaps this letter was originally addressed to the parents of her mother. A daughter, seeing how Mama "draws its strap": working late, cooks, cleans, and then erases the night, "picks up" no matter what the child or gives himself without reserve all the work - concludes that the fate of women she was. The daughter of respected mom and does not want to be "weaker" her.

Tolley grandmother's military and the fate of the generation of "survivor syndrome". The blame for the fact that you survived and live at a time when many were killed, forcing it to pay for happiness. Do not breathe, do not relax, do not rejoice once again - is not that right survivors

. One way or another, but there is an image of the heroic women of women's fate. in modern form - active female dostigatora, selfless woman rescue resistant women - the victims. often one in three guises.

Higher, faster, stronger! The purpose of the goal! Everything under control - a career, subordinates, family. All I know and all kept in check. "I know better, as it should, and for me to decide here!»

Monitor every step, allocation of responsibilities, create a development program for his men and insisted on her to lead him (and then wonder how he went to another "coach»).

Make yourself of head of the family. Becoming a parent to his parents and his mother, brothers and sisters. Take a seat, "the older" all sorts. Pay and ensure control and demand. To seize all power.

Oh, it's a heady feeling of unlimited power and strength! Well, finally, I still can!

And they all depend on me!

Make yourself important, indispensable, necessary. You can completely disconnect this man, so that he is not a step you will not be able to set foot. But to be desired - not the equivalent of love

. "If I want, need, without me, they do not handle, they depend on me, so I recognized the need .... Loved ... ". It is looking for love and recognition of the strong daughter.

All around the rescue - colleagues at work, not leaving his shift and worked for three; their home, making it invisible to them is that they can successfully do it yourself; their home, deciding that for them to be better, and strangling them with his care; best friend, arranging her fate; alcoholic husband of his life ...

Oh, it's a heady feeling of sacrifice, the power of good fairies and resentment misunderstood genius! And all this is there.

"Gender wash at night, when the whole family is sleeping; pull the bag from the store, when my husband and adult son quietly at home watching TV; start a wallpapering, nobody to this without attracting ... again. Defiantly wash the dishes in the morning or a married quietly pay the loan. »

Sweet sense of sacrifice!

That rubs his hands to show the score. How else?

Everything has a second side. Sacrifice requires reckoning. She stifled resentment from non-recognition of their merit. "I do not appreciate me, do not respect. They do not realize how much I do for them. " Not for them, and for them. No need of disabled people to do, or regarded as such. Cope without you.

"But if you will manage without me, why I do I need? And I need someone? "

And you need currently? Or are you "zero, which only someone becomes worthy of the number, and itself you - just a zero without a stick?"

To opt out of the role of the victim and the rescuer, it is necessary to give up power. Spasatelstvo implies that a number of people are infirm, no you can not cope, their brains are not.

Next to the rescuer easily become disabled. No wonder it is the primordial role of wives and mothers of drug addicts alcoholics.

Passing responsibility to the person, you recognize his equal. Do not be stupid and not weaker.

Psychology of the victim "quiet glanders" manifests itself in many ways. This is a particular pattern of behavior, dividing others to "rescue" and "aggressors". "Good and good" and "bad and evil." "Nice and good" become "rescuers" and are controlled by a sense of guilt. Thus the victim meets their needs. otherwise not being able, that's getting what she needs.

"… Children's Hospital. Long queue to see a doctor of mothers and babies. All written at a time. But babies do not submit coupons - someone was late, and the queue moved. 10 hours, while those on the 9:15 and 9:30 were only able to come, and even the doctor came out to half an hour to the head. My mother, who has the time to 10, has publicly stated that it is now time, it is here for a long time and those who will now go in her time. It is extremely disturbed. Rocking the baby in her arms, a woman moves away from the office door and sit down with an injured views in the farthest corner of the corridor. Here's a message across to the world. He was heard and taken into consideration. But choosing between your convenience and comfort the other, came a woman with a child chose his.

For this young woman, it was apparently the usual way to "appeal to the conscience" of others to cause them a sense of guilt. And then they will do what she wanted. This time did not work. »

Apparently you need to learn a lot.

For example, clearly speak of their intentions and to protect their interests. To take care of itself, and not expect that it should be done by someone else. In the case in the clinic it could be a phrase: "10utra - my time. I'll go. "And yet.

It is important to learn a clear messages. Honest and direct communication of adults.

"Victims" all around is divided into good and bad. "Good," they are usually "save" and "bad," "hurt" and "do all sorts of nasty things." Get out of the victim's position - is to stop dividing the world into good and bad, and to learn how to speak clearly, you need

. And ask. ask for help. directly. no manipulative way, vytsyganivaniya you need, and honestly. it is difficult, I know. for this it is necessary to remove the halo from his head and become a man with his neediness.



Acknowledge your weakness. And become a man. No hero, no saint, but just a man and his desires, needs, limits of their capabilities, with its convenience or the convenience of doing something.

What is worth doing?

Often ask myself questions:

And I myself am not a victim?

Do I no longer do their own forces, expecting that someone else will come and take care of me, "save" me?

Did I say clearly that I need?

Capable I ask?

I do not try I invalidizirovat their loved ones? Behind the scenes of the children sharing what they can do themselves. The value of their personal capabilities and not allowing them to grow?

Do I draw from his partner feeble invalid, unable to decide what he needs and take responsibility for their lives?

Do I become a mother to her parents? I do not much take over, live in the role of her grandmother and pooping on responsibility for the entire family? Mine Is this the place?

Learn to distribute forces and plan their time, to share the responsibility, somewhere to ask for help, and in some cases to identify their borders and to pay for the decision to retreat from them.

Be a man.

Author: Irina Dybov