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"... It's not that people considered unimportant love affair. They crave it, they watch countless films about happy and unhappy love stories, they listen to hundreds of silly songs about love, but hardly anyone really think that there is any need to learn love ... ". E. Fromm, "The Art of Loving»

"... Dislike to him," is a disease that covers many generations: it is passed from one generation to another, it is inherited by each succeeding generation from the previous one ... ". E.Makavoy, S.Izrailson "Marilyn Monroe Syndrome»

Before you start reading the article, I propose to answer the following questions:

Are you afraid to cause negative emotions of other people?

How much do those things that you do not want to do, but in order to gain the approval of others, praise, not to cause anger and resentment from others?




If you found the answer to these questions if the questions are positive, then this article is for you.

Each scenario is based on the relationship between parent and child. And first of all on the love of parents to children. What is love. Recall from Erich Fromm.

"Love - a true interest in the life and development of the object of love»

Actually it is the unconditional love, unconditional acceptance of another person as a complete being. I love for a man just because he is, without criticism, humiliation, lies and manipulations. But, unfortunately, this kind of love can be seen infrequently.

And then it comes to conditional love, a love for something. The love must be earned. Parents who choose this form of love doing it, because so fond of their parents. And how else they do not know.

child control mechanism. Especially the need arises, when the baby starts to crawl, walk, climb everywhere, every throw, beat, break and tear. It brings a lot of problems. And then the parents put him to the condition "If you behave this way, so you will not need me", "If you do that, or do not do, you do not any such».

For the child, the parents up to 7 years - that's all it is their world, this view of themselves and the world, this is their life. The child should get the satisfaction of their needs:

The food and water
On defense, the warmth and purity
In recognition

Not getting to meet these needs, there is the fear of collapse. There is much tension and anxiety that the child is trying to overcome to meet the needs of parents. Since they do not satisfy the needs of the child for the simple reason that what some of their needs is also not satisfied. The consequences of this are different.

But in the end create a list of "must", realizing that the child deserves love. No other way. Everyone has their own list. This line appearance, the standard of living (what a car, an apartment, work), etc. With this list we nosimsya life. And if you correspond, you feel worthy of love, and if not, then what we can love. Formed the image of the ideal itself.

Types of conditional love

Explicit rejection. "I hate this kid. I will not take care of him. " With the child's parents are behaving carelessly, cruelly, avoid contact. Think of it bad, unlucky, maladaptive. I feel for him a grudge, malice, irritation. Often children with such education become aggressive, go to the underworld, or vice versa - are compassionate, humble, "bend over backwards to at least as it earn the love»

Excessive demands. "I do not want this child, he is." Parents criticize, not praise, carp require obedience and discipline, social success. The manifestation of arbitrariness shall be punished. Children frustrating become insecure and in adult life again seek to win the love of it - that

. Excessive guardianship. "Everything is done for the child, he will devote himself", "Without me, he can not cope" .Chrezmernye indulgence or restriction of freedom, concern for child protection from an independent decision-making, self-paced action. A sort of child disability. In fact, the child is treated as a defective, the inability to do something. As a result, there are difficulties in decision-making and the desire to shift their work to someone, infantilism.

In adult life, our boss, our (a) the spouse (a) is replaced by the parent object. Not having received the unconditional love we seek to lose their relationship with the mother in meaningful relationships for themselves, in every way trying to win the love. Feelings and relationships that arise between us and the significant figures, by and large are playing our children's relationship with their mother. All the feelings associated with the chief, a close friend have no direct relation to them. These experiences are primarily addressed to our important figures from my childhood.

How does the list of "must" in our lives. What makes the experience unpleasant feelings?

Very good effect of this list is described in syndrome "Marilyn Monroe." From her biography - his father ran away, his mother was ill. Marilyn grew up in an orphanage ... That was one of the most desirable, beautiful women, the image of which the praise now. Nevertheless, the lack of love from their parents, a sense of abandonment, uselessness has led to the fact that it is constantly haunted feeling of guilt, anxiety, a sense that she is ugly.

She married three times and chose precisely those men to whom she was not really needed as the person who humiliated her and used for their own purposes. Thereby losing the scenario, the relationship with his parents, whom she had that too was not needed.

Such as I am, I do not need another. If you do not like me, all the senses are directed against themselves.

The feeling of anger. How is it I do not meet. Anger and aggression on the appearance can manifest itself in a constant effort to make plastic, apply a tattoo, piercing, scarification. Aggression, which is terrible to show on the other because of the fear of being rejected, goes inside and finds resolution in a variety of sores.

Guilt. Sometimes it is called megalomania. The man believes that what is happening on the outside, and with him 100% dependent on it. And when something does not match, blame only himself begins. That's megalomania. "You are not God, to you all had power over»

To escape from this unbearable, crushing guilt begins to make excuses to others, to prove that it is better than me to think that he is worthy of love and respect. But people by and large do not care you can walk up there or down. Their relationship to you depends only on them. And we must give them the right to treat us the way they want them to.

Constantly present uniformly diffuse anxiety. The trouble is that I will do wrong, mistaken, do bad, I can not please everyone, I can not please everyone. Everyone, but not currently. It does not matter how I feel and what I want, the main thing that everyone was happy and loved me. This feeling is not completely sootvetsvovat often leads to the fact that the best will do nothing than to make a bad call, and thus a wave of discontent.

All this is very much an effort on self-assessment. Our self-esteem turns to environmental assessment, in the desire to meet the expectations of real or contrived us. Spend a tremendous amount of energy to prove that I am better at meeting the needs of others. And it is not sufficient strength to realize their destiny, their desires.

What we really need is deposited in a distant box to open it only after it will achieve love. And so it remains to lie for years. If you do so, ask yourself this question: Why did you leave your on then? You want to live forever?

Shyness. Fear to draw attention to themselves, so as not to hear the words of criticism and condemnation. The result is that the better I sit quietly in a corner, and I will not say what might not like others.

If something we do not allow ourselves if we demand of ourselves adhere to the "must" list, we will require this, and from others to make a complaint to them. And people like us, only with your list, a huge amount.

That we support each other in regular games and the evidence of something to each other. A man unable to love themselves can not love others. And do not think that requiring the person of something, you express love, make him better.

Author: Liliya Morozova