Do not touch my mother! What to do with the most important relationship

Girls come to the psychologist and say: "Everything is bad, I want to change. But I'm afraid that you ruined my relationship with my mother. You can not touch my mother? "" Probably spoiled. But without this in any way ", - the psychologist responsible Vita Malygina

. The client has now gone wise and competent. Come - and soon you to the wall: "All is ready, but let's not touch my mother. I do not believe that it will help, what is the point - do not understand. So let's not my mother. »

And sometimes, just like that: "I want everything to change in yourself. It's not like: no legs, no eyes, no work. But I have all analyzed and understood: my mother in no way to blame. On it we will not. »

I say then, "you will, but without a mother, I personally can not. Maybe someone and can, but I do not. Look more professional. Hypnosis, for example. There's definitely no mother. You can also meditate. Some help. »

Someone sighed and waved his hand, they say, to hell with you, let your mother here.

Someone says: "I'll be up later»

. Another case like this, for example: "My Life I really do not like. Divorced, with one child problems, no happiness. I want to change. But I'm afraid that you ruined my relationship with my mother. They - the only thing that I have. Only she understands me, we had a friend, every day to the theater together and exhibitions ... »

I must confess, "probably spoiled. Nowhere to go. It's not easy you will, especially at first. As a result, you are likely to change. Maybe even become a feel happier. And with the child still can get better, and there is love. But every week with my mother to the theater and to the exhibition will not succeed. Will you consider her best friend - do not know. Choose. »

And, by the way, many people choose mum.

So I would like once again to talk about it. About my mother why without it - anywhere and at all why she was there. And most importantly, how does this relate to your real mother, Maria Ivanovna or Natalia Nikolaevna.


Please tell here about it, about the real mother. It does not matter whether your mother is actually the way you remember it. This is speaking of the therapeutic effect. It does not matter how it happened that, for example, in all respects, a remarkable woman, whom everyone considered a good, sensitive and good, proved to be a rejecting mother kritikansha, and now it is this attitude and you feel real love.

Of course, the therapist will explain a hundred times that in therapy we have a way in your soul. With that, a mother imprinted there. This image may not correspond to reality. Although, of course, talk about objective reality, when it comes to people who do not really possible.

This, by the way, very quickly becomes clear chance to start with a real mother to sort things out on the last offense. You to her, "Mom, do you remember how you yelled at me when I forgot to wash the dishes?" She you answered "Yes go-to-ospodi! And it was something all once, and you only remember it! »

And who then will be taken to determine where it is an objective reality?


In short, and quite simply, everything is arranged as follows: that what we get depends on our physiology, mental organization features, strength / weakness of the nervous system. With this everyone agrees. And it all depends on the look that you are looking at your mom.

In psychology, this power of the parent view to explain with the help of a whole bunch of different buzzwords. There and primary object, and attachment theory and the concept of basic security and the image of the self ... But in the end it all comes down to this: see your mom a beautiful, smart, kind, affectionate, gentle, talented, strong girl, loved and cherished - so you and receive and then live. And people have also seen this.

And if you saw my mother miserable, helpless, not very pretty, unhappy or indifferent, selfish, or stupid, worthless - so you and live up to his first therapist. Especially if you went to the nervous system is weak and ready to do anything to avoid losing her mother's love, even illusory.

But with this - it all depends on my mother's eyes - not all agree. And I insist. This is especially obvious when you observe how people change in the course of therapy. Comes, for example, to you this pale girl, eyes to the ground, handles like a whip, nose duck sticks ...

And just see how she, like this, in my mother's eyes was the first deuce in mathematics in third grade. But time passes, and this girl is guilty somewhere disappears, there is an adult beautiful girl in fashionable glasses with fine musical fingers. Everything you think, more than her mom is not looking.


Nature "built into" the mechanism of maternal love in every woman, and in theory it should be included, as soon as her mother saw her newborn baby. But sometimes that something interferes. Some damage to the psyche of women, such as her personal childhood traumas may affect the operation of this mechanism. And then nothing does not automatically turn on.

Duty, duty, belief that the children in the family needed - that is enough. But the love, warmth, joy, tenderness, no is no. Not to recognize this is accepted, the belief that parents should love their children, imperceptibly turns into a belief that what I feel is a mother's love. And in fact, instead of it - nagging, criticism, resentment, accusations ( "you are all in my grandmother 'or' you are like your father"), labeling (lazy, surly, indifferent)

. A child must somehow live and develop. Take a bad cold, critical attitude of a loved one for love is possible only in one case: if you love yourself. Then everything that makes a loved one, your love is sanctified, is seen through the prism of your love. And explains how to love. Otherwise, a small child will not survive. It turns out that nature to insure us from a parent dislike using our "built-in" love for mothers and fathers. It's a known fact: love, even frankly horrible parents - drinkers hitters. Love and miss it, come back to him.

As a child, the love does not go mad with grief, if not lucky, and my mother could not love you. And then there comes a time yet to learn that your family came out that way: my mother did not like you

. psychologically immature that awareness can be a serious injury to a person. Therefore, recourse to a therapist, feeling their vulnerability, people instinctively fear "touch mom." Up to the time when this knowledge will be let into his soul and not crumble to dust in pain, still have to live, to grow up a little bit.

Either way, a person with knowledge of this difficult somehow cope. And what is going on.


Then there is this: you say goodbye with the hope that someday in your relationship with his mother that something will change and she will learn to love you the way you would have to when you were a little girl. At this time, usually appear yourself, or so nearly so, which would have been from the start, if Mom was looking at you loving gaze. Forces and confidence becomes greater world seems kinder life as something starts to go well.

And then I found another thing: your mom a long time ago - and, perhaps, from the very beginning of your life together with her - younger than you. That she, for example, about two years. Or three. Sometimes - six or eight. And from this moment you know about it. You know that a small child can not be a good parent.

And you know that she probably genuinely seemed (and seems so far), she loves you more than anything else. She tried her best to give you everything you could - as she could. This, of course, there was no real maternal love. But somehow the thought that after all, still she tried as best she could, it becomes a little easier.

And then you already live this way, grow inside his mother himself, that is, learn to love and accept yourself. Since no one has failed to do so.

And then, after some time, it happens for some small, unimportant event. Well, for example, you in the end of the day, in the winter twilight, catches the eye of a woman. She quickly goes ahead in his right cut coat with a fur collar, in his hat ... And for some reason - in the first second, even it is not clear what is going on - for some reason, you instantly feel inside gentle heat and automatically go into a light trot, trying to catch up with the woman. And a second later aware of what happened.

This strange woman on the street for a few brief, but intensive minutes you suffered in childhood. And there you are eight years old, you are going to school, going to come see my mother and realize she left early today to work, which means that you will have dinner together. From this you will feel the joy and warmth that's in the shower.

And then you see that everything is clear with my mother's love. No it - the same as you would have to then. There is not and never will be. And you know that very sympathize with my mother. How to sympathize with anyone deprived - the nature or the circumstances - some of the features. How to sympathize with the blind. Or deaf. Or legless.

The man who can not and could not love their children, too, arouses sympathy. And then you know that your love for her nothing had happened. She is alive, and it's from her warm inside. And you can feel it, to be aware. And at the same time understand that will never become a fight to the closed door of my mother's (or any other) of the heart. That love is in your heart, it is quite enough.

At this point, life as it makes a circle and comes back to the point from which it began: to love. Actually, that's all we need from psychotherapy and life in general.
Author: Vita Malygina


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