On a short leash. Both men are dependent on women

When my mother was smiling, no matter how good it was her face, it was done much better, and everything around seemed veselelo. If in difficult moments of my life, I could at least glimpse of that smile, I would not know what the mount. © Leo Tolstoy. Childhood. Adolescence. Youth

In our culture, the word "addiction" very negatively colored. It is, and alcoholism / drug addiction, and psychologically unhealthy relationship in which disturbed the natural exchange of energy, but a lot of demands and grievances.

I want to look at this phenomenon more neutral, because all of us one way or another depend on something so far. From the air, the food, the employer or the state, the nature of the - otherwise we can not survive

. Dependency - is a situation in which we ourselves, without help or external resource, can not cope. Experience secure dependency, in my opinion, is the ability to easily count on the help, to care. Believe that you have the right to it just because you're there.

During early childhood, the child should get to experience a safe addiction, but in fact often goes quite differently ...

Childhood. "Daddy can, dad can be anyone, only my mother, but my mother can not be!»
I, like many Soviet children, postpartum taken from the "dirty" mom and put on a few days in a sterile isolator. It was the May holidays, and three days later I got the experience of dependence. A mother in her 19 years of experience and received stagnation mastitis with temperature - and experience neglect yourself under the slogan "doctors know best»

. (By the way, in our family, two older children, including me, did not give my mother for three days and we were both nervous as a child slept disgusting And the younger of two already permitted to put my mother on the stomach, allowed to taste the first precious drops of colostrum -.. They're much quieter and sleep at night.)

Further more: Dr. Spock with his ideas dissociation mother and child, "off" biologically planted care program, feeling her baby. And as a result of such an approach - do not shout shout, will not help. The experience of powerlessness and terror, I suppose.

My three-month future wife young parents were left alone at home and going to the movies. As much screaming, closed the door to the room and the kitchen, so as not to interfere. "Pokrichit and calm down." I mean, despair, tired and fall asleep sleep from nervous weakness. Good experience "safe" based.

I remember how I, a ten-year, trying to get a bit of care and attention. I was a senior, at the time I already had two younger brothers, my mother was twitching, money, time and effort are not enough catastrophically. I am now a grown man and father of many children, now I understand the head, why she kept herself well, but then I painfully hoarse wanted to be a small, defenseless, helpless, to feel the warmth of the undivided intended only to me. But in our family since three years I became an adult - born brother. And to attract the attention I could just right, "adult" actions.

Once I painted a beautiful picture on a piece of old wallpaper pastel crayon. Crayons crumbled in his hands and soiled his pants. The picture was a great sun and two bright yellow chick with big eyes. I seemed very beautiful picture! I called my mother went for her room and led into the kitchen, where there was an easel with my drawing. This is for you, mom is the best! Pay attention to me, hug, admire!

Weary nod. You learned to do? Bring blog.

A deuce in the diary. Rage, screaming: "And you still draw my chickens!" It seems to me that she had plucked and thrown drawing. Burning resentment and shame. "I'm not that, this is not allowed." Again hurt again in the breast lump, again one ...

I think that such a strong reaction - and I clearly and painfully remember the case so far - due to the repetition of the situation, "I cast, I'm no use to anyone." And the terror acts as a catalyst, repeatedly amplifying pain and turning an ordinary life in an episode of mental trauma.

Adolescence. "Madness of the brave we sing a song!»
I do not know how the girls and boys, as far as I know myself and other men who tend to rebel. Attempts to get attention and love useful deeds and achievements are often fiasco: for good and stop the routine praise, and all the time to win the Olympics and have a major role in the theater does not work. But all sorts of wrong things cause a reaction! Yes, swearing, yes, shame, but the wine, but a concentrated response, how much energy, and only me!

So begins the stage kontrzavisimosti, which runs under the slogan "That'll knock his eye - is my mother's son of the curve!" It's a weird state when you apparently do not seem to pay attention to anybody, but inwardly extremely sensitive to listen what is happening around in the first place - with significant adults. You learn to recognize the mood of the steps, to anticipate the next action. I still do not know how to turn off the attention from the outside, so I can then hear what all my family, scattered around the apartment. And put on headphones to watch a film or listen to music downright scary - suddenly I miss something important. Or dangerous. Suspense and preparedness - these are the typical condition of the house. I'm tired of that much. It remained to run, to give yourself a break.

In adulthood escaping often mask rational reasons: work, sport, hobby, "doing business in taverns and baths." I have nothing against these activities. Moreover, love. But I know for myself that often is all the ways to "escape" to be at home. There is good news - after several years of psychotherapy becomes easier. The house becomes warmer and more comfortable, anxiety is reduced, you can even have fun.

Kontrzavisimosti only superficially different from addiction. In fact, this relationship with the sign "minus" - do the opposite. It seems to me quite clear that in this case the person exactly as dependent on the opinions and state significant other. It is common to so many men, because it is similar in outward appearance to the image of freedom, which we translate society. And freedom and ostentatious force - the main features of masculinity

. And often in this screen ostentatious independence hiding little resentful, sniffling and pulverizing resentment tears boy about five years old. And for the greater persuasiveness repeats like a mantra: "And I do not hurt, happy chicken!" This unfortunate young man exiled deep inside, with confiscation and incommunicado. For intolerable to live it all over again ... And only tricks are becoming boldly and recklessly! Mom, pay attention to me. Mom! ..

Youth. "Freedom for parrots!»
Finally, there comes a time when the boy is old enough young men and can throw in the face of my mother: "I want to - go away!". This occurs most often with admission to the institute. Burden leaning freedom excites and scares. Do not fight with anyone, nowhere else to get what lacked in childhood. A gestalt is not closed!

I dealt with this by enrolling at MSU on Mekhmat - my father's department. Say, dad cried when I entered. I did not see. That "to be proud of».

And yet, from the excess of emotion, in the MSU Student theater workshops. To accommodate the feelings of the coil, which languished inside. This "notice to all».

But all this is not it! All advances are impaired attention of others that at first so pleased, gradually increasing the dose required, as a drug. Stops Torquay. Because it is not! It's like trying to eat all the time when you want to cuddle. Because it needs a "good mother" - which will embrace, listen, understand, calm. And perhaps then a young man chooses a clear path - to get married! And even in his family will be all right!

Psychologists in one voice say that we choose a partner, is very similar to the opposite sex parent. Not necessarily externally. But on some important (even painful) performance. I call it for myself: my cockroaches looking friendly in a foreign head. And if you are - a lot of emotions! His!

At age 19, I got married. In former classmate - I had time to study the nature, cockroaches approved. Love was mad, emotion - a flurry. They began dating in May, and were married in October. She was still 18.

We still live together, I believe - very well live. I am happy that life has developed since. A good, full life. But now is not about that.

Several years ago, the life routine and a sense of being unbearable gravity, when the usual ways of meeting their needs no longer to bear fruit, have led us to a dead end depression. And then, separately, to psychotherapists. It was a turning point in our personal and common life.

We always talked a lot. Perhaps that is why had lived together for many years. And now we have become more honest and verbalize what is not accepted and unpleasant: about authority in the family, about the distrust, about expectations, about the mutual dissatisfaction ...

I always thought I was very selfless. I generally nothing from others do not. From his wife, too. It turned out that this is not true. An honest conversation with them led me to this discovery.

1) From the wife I need attention. I'm so demanding that it is obliged to provide it to me on any my desire.

2) From the wife I need approval. Approval of all my ideas, initiatives and projects. Approval of all my actions. This is similar to what is called a full and non-judgmental acceptance. They say that it is only possible between the mother and the unconscious and totally dependent baby, say up to a year or two. It should not be angry, criticize. And even just to ignore is not allowed.

3) A wife should share the responsibility with me. Without its approval I took up the case. And if you happened Feil, it was not so bad. After all, it is approved, then do not be cursing.

I expect that his wife would be a "good mother". The one that did not. To see another living person who just for some reason decided to live near - daunting task

. Mom, I brought you chicken!
It depends on what the "strong and free" men? Such threatening and demanding? It seems to me that this is a very simple thing: recognition / rejection, approval / criticism, condescension / cold ... Easy half-turn of the head, slightly contemptuous grimace enough enthusiastic reaction - all of which can be a trigger, a catalyst for the whole storm. Needless to say, that the injured person can uglyadet painful almost everywhere? And apparently so calm and confident people are knocking on the hand table. Or raises his hand. Or turn away contemptuously. Or he said with icy politeness devastating. Depending on what I learned from my parents ...

A silent or says it's all the same: "Mom, pay attention, my mother, hold me, Mom! I brought you a chicken - the best that I have. Mama!".

Author: Sergei Fedorov


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