The psychologist Arthur Aron showed that "to spend more time together", as advised by most psychologists, almost useless. Instead, he found another way, a revolutionary and trouble-free. On it, we now discuss.
Arthur Aron, an American psychologist, known not only 36 questions, with which you can fall in love with a stranger and make him love me. This scientist, he explores the psychological phenomenon of love. Experience about "falling in love for the 36 questions" was delivered twenty years ago and still amazing. But love, in the end, is simple enough, really wondering how you can maintain a sense, to carry it through decades of living together, washing, children, animals, and disease crises.
At Art Aron and on this issue there is a very interesting answer, intuitively apparent very true.
Expansion card: basic instinct
Aron adheres to the theory of the permanent extension of the individual. This means that our personality always wants to grow in size by absorbing new knowledge, experience and expertise. A kind of "cadaver, intellectually dissatisfied." And an excellent way to expand the individual becomes a romance or love. Personality wildly expanding due to the partner - the new smells, new feelings, new knowledge, friends and even relatives. And this, of course, two-way process, the identity of the partner is expanding too. That, incidentally, is one of the reasons why the separation is experienced as hard - instead of expanding the individual there is a reduction, compression, we are becoming "less", which is wildly traumatic process for the psyche
The same theory explains the decline in the mutual satisfaction of the partners in long relationships. The first amazing period of mutual expansion, when people are giggling together till the morning, sharing skills, secrets and post-coital cigarette, has already passed (it usually takes from six months to two years). And then a couple knows everything about each other, and the expansion is stopped.
In some cases, it helps to have children - it also contributes to the expansion of consciousness. Children are growing all the time, change all the time, discover the world for themselves - and we do it with them. But for most pairs of permanent joint offspring admiration is not enough.
It all looks so far as the banality of Captain Obvious, but it is not. Aron and his colleagues spent several very interesting experiments concerning long-term relationships. He took 53 married couples middle age and convinced them ten weeks follow his instructions, spending one and a half hours a week for certain classes. A third of these couples had to choose leisure, a new partner for yourself: skiing, hiking, dancing, concerts. The second group had to deal with "nice", but more calm things: movies, restaurants, going to visit friends. The third group was a control and did not do anything. It was found that the level of satisfaction of marriage was much higher among those who were engaged in a delightful and amazing outdoor activities.
A more precise and carefully controlled experiment was carried out in the laboratory. Half of the couples were forced into something ordinary - household chores, for example. The second half was forced to deal with the strange and wild gambling thing, namely, they tied together by the ankles and wrists and forced to crawl along, overcoming obstacles and pushing their heads small and not very heavy barrel. This should have been at the time, and the experimenters initially cheated and made it so that twice the pair could not meet the target date, and on the third time, was able to just barely. Next is standard tests measured the level of satisfaction with the relationship, and it always turned out that those who pushed the barrel of his head was much higher than that of those with, for example, peeling potatoes.
It makes no sense with clean
The main thing is what leads us to this theory - advice to family psychologists spend more time together and do housework - nonsense. "If the relationship does not make it possible to expand the individual, finding partners close relations can only hurt." In other words, why spend more time together, if this time is devoted to watching the same serialchikov and the same cleaning?
Dr. Aron recommends avoiding routine. It is clear that not all couples will be able together to ascend Mount Everest or rafting on mountain rivers. But in any case, you need to go to dinner in a different restaurant each time, and not always the same. And no matter what your favorite restaurant - good, and all the rest - as usual. We must try every weekend trying new hobbies, do different things, and do it together.