Lives imagine such a woman can be a very beautiful and interesting, can be (and most likely) successful in many respects. True look so tired - of the total. Just tired of lugging it all by yourself. But it continues to do so every day. She did not count on anyone, and life with each passing day confirms it for her.
How it all began? Hard to tell. Maybe her grandmother, who after the war raised the children alone. Or on the other grandmother, who endured her husband on the couch, because after the war, each man - its weight in gold. Perhaps with her mother, whose husband "broke" in the crisis of the 90's and started drinking, and she decided to take it all on yourself. Or a mother who decided to do exactly that this does not interfere with the ballast to live without a husband. Maybe even earlier - with grandparents, waived the roots of the revolution and during Stalin's purges. We do not know exactly. Options - a lot. However, the investigation and the conclusions made by them - are the same. Only rely on yourself, you must be strong, all you can.
Grew our girl with a feeling that one does not do anything for her in this life, and it will have everything and always do the most.
This is more reliable, and easier, and request-do not need to be humiliated, and hope it is not necessary to anybody, and therefore do not have to be disappointed. She told me about this persistently mom anyway on these findings it pushes Dad, teacher at the school every time praising her achievements, added: "go far, she can handle with everything!»
Yes, most likely, in her life and never had a relationship with his father. Father, who would wear it on your hands, adored and protected. I did not see it and respect the father to the mother, if she is not allowed to manifest this concern, whether it was convenient to think that she was twenty-kilogram haul of potatoes and lightweight. It does not matter whether the father was physically close to or did not have it at all. All the good that she could get from him - did not receive, for various reasons. Maybe my mother will not let him, perhaps, and he did not want to.
As a child, she learned that every man for himself, which rely on the help is not necessary. When she was hurt in the yard, my mother said: "disassemble itself." When she did not obtain the equation, dad shrugged with indifference: "Well then, get a deuce." When classmates in cooperative tasks it fails, she also received "two", but its part of the job done. It proved much easier to do everything herself. It turned out both good and high quality, and fast. Yes, the forces have to spend more, but for the result is not a shame.
Request always meant "to stoop." Ask for help meant to recognize its own failure and are rejected. Aid not exactly get it, and even ridicule. Respects only those who did everything on their own, as well as the most unpretentious, able to endure any discomfort in silence. Which she did. When his mother divorced his father (as expected because the pope - not a very nice person), it has become the main person in the life of my mother, who had no right to upset her, to disappoint. Until the end of her days she bear is now responsible for the happiness of my mother, and it must bear all without unnecessary complaints.
And when the first came love, she glowed with happiness, blossomed, but his portfolio him to wear is not permitted. Here's another! As if she herself can not cope! What if he thinks about it? And in the cafe of her dress, so as not to feel obligated to him. Then, even he is paying for two, when he did not turn out any money. She made him beautiful and expensive gifts (to the extent possible), and pretended that she did not hurt do not receive in return. And of course, she always tried to help him. And a control for it to do so, and will feed at home, and will cover the back. She did not expect him protection, so that there, she sometimes it protected!
And the way he betrayed her then exchanged for a fool out of junior class, only strengthened her in the thought that he should not be trusted. In general, no one to trust, not to be vulnerable.
Of course, the men she also chose a special way. She liked the quiet romance, wandering in their dreams. And all these rude and arrogant "men" only irritated. Once a guy came up to her, that she even liked. Until then, until he began aggressively to open the door for her, to give her a hand when you exit the bus and snatch handbags. This immediately alerted her, and then he also brought flowers for no reason, almost forced to take power. And then he also said that his wife would never work. Since then, the "black list". It's a real tyrant and a despot, who is going to completely control the lives of their women! Do not like it and the guys who have their own opinions and were inflexible in it, and those who were engaged in any sport. Although it was a one.
She began to work at school. Unstuck ads after class, distribute leaflets, gradually mastered the Internet - translate texts, was the description of goods, filled sites. The Institute (where she was admitted, of course, myself!) And has worked in the market, and in the store, and network companies, and cleaner. Then transferred to the correspondence, it was convenient to make a career in a large corporation. And she began to work for 10-12 hours a day, gradually moving towards your goals. The goals were simple - financial independence, a prestigious job, his own apartment, complete independence
In marriage, it also went beyond this romance, which is all the time looking for you. I gave one institution, two, three. It was not and is not, he did not fit anything. He could not work, because the "learned" and again, looking for the best place for you. And why work - she had worked three jobs, all that is needed - enough. She could buy him a new computer, give the money to the next entry.
I do not ask, do not require and do not even expect anything. She quickly moved on service, parallel finishing university.
I bought an apartment on credit, the same loan itself and paid. She becomes pregnant, a little scared that you have to eat bread and water, but also gave birth. She worked almost all 9 months, and even some from the hospital completed the transaction.
Before birth in the apartment had to make repairs, which he promised to do it myself, but there was always something more important. The wait is over, she could not, and with a huge belly alone in the New Year's holidays glue wallpaper, put linoleum tiles and even stuck in the toilet. To somehow could live with the child. It was found that all of it can completely - even in this position. It would be possible for someone to ask, but why?
Of course, with her baby no one helped. My husband thought it was beneath their dignity (especially since it's a girl, not a boy!). To work he never started, maternity leave came to an end. The choice was difficult, but she was accustomed to rely only on themselves. Found a babysitter child, I went to work. I am exhausted by trying to have time to pull out of the house and a job, and child. Relief did not ask. Even parents. And even thought she did not cope.
My husband still searching for himself, in between playing in "tanks", I watched television and drank. I did not know which side to open the refrigerator, where are the clean shirts. No one sleepless night with her daughter had not spent. He was like a little air of romance, rather - on a lazy bear. Sense of it was a little hassle, even more, but she was suffering "for the sake of the child." He continues to drag all by yourself and even almost tried to give birth to a son (and suddenly his son will move from the place?). Thank God, did not work. I do not have time.
Another was his mother, who always something needed. That one, then another. That fetch medicines, then buy bread. Even though she is only fifty, and it is not disabled, for some reason, it was necessary for the ongoing care. The son of all this disown, but terribly angry if his wife refused to perform the request of his mother. Although in all the years of her life she even forgot to tell anyone "no».
And then divorce. After almost ten years of such a life. He decided that she did not appreciate or understand, found another and decided to finally show her who's boss.
He demanded half the apartments, for which she is still paying the loan, and he - has not made a dime. And not to be humiliated, she agreed to everything. I went with the child to nowhere. Special pain she felt, but the feeling of betrayal dirt was impossible to wash off.
She took off her new apartment, continued to operate, the daughter has to go to school, I brought out five. Without her husband became even easier - almost "a woman with a cart - mare easier". And now she has everything she wanted - his own apartment, a prestigious job, a daughter, independence, even your business. And there is no happiness.
Most of all she wants (though she is afraid to admit it) come to rest in someone's strong shoulder and hear: "Relax, I'll do it myself."
She was tired of everything - from the permanent responsibility for herself and the child, the need to keep everything in itself (it has not even remember when was crying), of loneliness, of cargo, which it draws all his life. She buys new clothes to work on it easier to enter into contracts. She follows an afterthought, again in order to "face of the company" was enjoyable. She does not remember talking ever heart to heart with her daughter (she just do not have the forces). She will not be able to respond honestly to a question about what she wants. Her shoulders still and heavy, no masseur can not knead those stones, which she wears at just above the shoulder blades. She is a very strong, independent, and self. Mom is proud of his daughter. But something there is no happiness.
But there is a strong shoulder. Men who come across it - the same romance, weaklings, Alfonso. A real man is not interested in it too little feminine and absolutely no power. And its these very real men afraid she does not understand what to expect from them, how to build your life, how to deal with them. What they do need, if they do not have to contain and endure? And generally it is possible to build a relationship, retaining their independence, autonomy and power? And to give up, she is not ready, because to trust him, and suddenly he betray, abandon, change, begin to beat?
Sometimes she looks at her silly and unsuccessful classmates. This one is not very wisely, and always copy control, home. She graduated some college or a college, and later married. Three children, a loving husband, a house. And the bright eyes that sparkle with happiness. No career, no she can not, and her husband not need anyone else, still in his arms is. Or this, a psychologist who works in the school receives a mere penny, but in bloom and fragrant. New costumes, cultural outlets - museums, theaters, concerts. Nothing harder own little bags never wears. And it looks much younger than his years without any plastics. There is one - more strange. And a successful and happy. He engaged in some kind of dance, with the soul does, and your dance club opened where so just do not get. And the golden husband and children - a lovely sight
But most importantly, on what has always pay attention - it's the eyes. They can not lie. We are always happy women glow with something incomprehensible and attractive.
There are of course, other classmates, whose life is not as happy. Someone alcoholic husband (and at this time our girl rejoices that unmarried) who's husband also has (more rejoices), someone just pulls all by yourself (and they each share understanding views), someone lives with his parents and can not move out, tolerate scandals. But talk is not particularly interesting, the same hackneyed view of a horse or a beaten dog with them.
A growing near her daughter, who sees his mother - a successful and so lonely. He sees the story of betrayal and his own father, and the men with whom my mother met after (that no suitor - the gigolo or a parasite). He sees that all you need to reach their own hard work, that does not help to ask who and why. He sees and grandmother, whose fate is not too different from my mother, except that large businesses are not built. And even if the mother for her the same fate does not want other findings daughter will not do. Every man for himself. Bring on themselves as much as you can, while you can. You are responsible for everything in this world.
What will increase the one that now only my mother's joy? The one that with time demanding lump turned into an adult virgin, which can be about life to talk, to share the difficulties? The one who used to do everything myself, like my mother, not to ask for help, their problems are not distracting?
So all of this and continue on until you find one that refuses to carry on his fragile female and are not intended for that shoulder the responsibility for the world around. Who can say "no" to all these generic scenarios and habits. Who taught, no matter how terrible, and ask to be weak and somewhat dependent. Which will see all of his "legacy" and learn to consciously control it - something to drop, something to use. Who will choose the way that is different from the mother roads grandmother. In the meantime, there is a woman who drags all by yourself and with extinct eyes dead tired horse wants to burrow into someone's strong shoulder. But this dream will remain unattainable.
Author: Olga Valyaeva chapter in the book "Healing of a woman's soul"