607
7 signs that love is not
When did not work the next relationship, about which you were so sure so this once all finally happens, you can do several things. Buy a box of chocolates and review all "... and the City", a drink with friends, or - to analyze what went wrong and how you can avoid this
.
However, to be honest, no girlfriend, no champagne, or even a whole box of fine chocolate does not eliminate the thoughts, what you did wrong and whether it was possible to somehow avoid this here "excruciatingly painful". Fuel to the fire of thought usually pour mother and grandmother: "I told you that? I have since the first day she knew it would not work for you! "And if you even myself can say in adequate condition" Yeah, that something you do not recognize from their three husbands in any alcoholic "in the state, when things are not as you want, willingly believe in the sad predictions of post-factum. And swear to myself to continue to be smarter, would not kiss up to the wedding, and certainly not to kiss on the first date, and definitely do not fall in love until .... And here is, in fact, that? Is there at least some way to predict in advance whether the relationship will become a source of pain or harmony and happiness?
Our grandmothers and great-grandmother to get an answer to this question, wondering. We went to the bath, pouring wax into cold water, holding the ring of candles and secretly ran to the gipsies. As the gypsy will tell and will develop a personal life - but what remains Yeshe if no personal therapist, psychologist or even a supernumerary, at least one of the entire village, our grandmother was not supposed to? More could trust astorologam or Ouija - but it's fun, most urban young ladies of the 20th century. Now we, too, of course, have the opportunity to "tell fortunes to the King," to stretch or even tarot runes to use the Book of Changes, or tips dream book ... But it is possible to go in a different way - for example, start with self-examination and analysis of the usual voids. Not the fact that will help, but it is necessary something to occupy time?
1. Error One: in the footsteps of their parents
"To find a soul mate, you must first find the first" popular wisdom. According to the theory of systemic family therapy, the first stage of development of the family - it is, oddly enough, you yourself. At this stage, you live alone, you learn to provide for themselves, stuffing bumps and communicate with potential partners. After such an experience with a new family you come already at least partially formed. If you create a family, just coming from the parent unit of society, the reward you get a complex "salad" of norms, rules and methods of interaction which have been adopted in your family, and the same set of partner.
"In order to understand what suits you and what does not, what are you willing to tolerate, and what - under any circumstances, what are your own values and goals, it is useful to live independently and to check their own experiences," baggage ", resulting from the parents. This will look at the potential partners according to their own values and not through the prism of the views of parents, which increases the chances of finding a "soul mate». "
This period also helps build a correct distance in relationships with parents and avoid too frequent and active intervention in the subsequent family life. And for those who still have not got rid of the Electra complex, close all possible gestalts on this topic. In short, do not neglect the pause!
2. The second error: dancing on the rake
According to the network for a long time I wandered tale about widowed old woman who some time later remarried. At the wedding, the young husband asks: "Mary, do not you recognize me?" And she answers, "I learned, Kolya learned long ago." Amazement relatives couple says that, it turns out, they were married - before the war, then divorced, and lost each other. Unexpected meeting joined them again ... Many girls perform this trick with an enviable stubbornness: the gift that Kohl name is John, then Peter, but over and over again, "marry the same guy"
. All of us in one way or another repeat their painful experience, inspiration, like jazz musicians improvising on the basic, familiar temu.I kogda-to if you had experience of failed relationships, hurt you, then chances are that sooner or later you will be tempted to choose a partner who will be able to confirm this experience.
To hedge against this error, honest look into the past and answer a few questions. What was your first boyfriend? Why did your relationship did not exist? And if there is a new friend something that vaguely reminiscent of "hero of the novel"?
3. The third error: mismatch
purposes Probably every woman in his life was a man who came to the ring, flowers and with a serious face suggested a "relationship". Well if the goals coincide, and if all you at this point was non-burdensome need is a holiday romance? He may even be able to captivate you for a while, but in the end the novel predictable collapse. Because - well, not the same goals - he needs a house, and you - the wind in the house
. TIP: Every time when you just think about the relationship or meet a man from which the heart beats faster and skips the beat, honestly answer yourself the question "what do you want from him, really?" The options can be many - from easy dizzying novel on a couple of weeks or a beautiful intellectual flirtation or thoughtless original ... to the trivial family with many siblings.
Incidentally, the ability to engage in dialogue - to answer your questions and listen to hear them, as well as at the time and the place to talk about themselves - can tell a lot about a man
. 4. Error Four: no tolerance
And one more anecdote, a parable, a popular network: "Dear Maria I. and Ivan, tell us how you managed to live together for a long 60 years?" - "We were married at the time when the broken things repaired instead of thrown away"
In this anecdote many worldly wisdom. Our grandmothers accustomed perelitsovyvat dresses, darn socks and sort out the rump, and could not think about the ease with which we treat the relationship today. Endure - slyubitsya, they said, they are mostly right. But in order to live up to this "slyubitsya" first he had to learn to tolerate and accept the person for who he is.
"If a person is able to tolerate and accept, in principle, on the unpleasant things to him, he szhivetsya and get used to any situation. He will be able to adapt to the other half, and adapt it for themselves. If the person is not able to understand, touchy and vindictive, then over the years to adapt it will be increasingly difficult.
Over the years, a man sharpened his characterological traits: Generous become spendthrift and fisted - a miser. Therefore, irritable irritability over the years only grows! Tolerance does not appear. If it does not - to live with a man who has something does not suit, it does not turn. Intolerance, like a time bomb, one day explode ".
If you know of a trait such as a lack of tolerance for other people's shortcomings, try to think about that and you're not perfect - Teach or some ingenious breathing technique. If you can not break into the first five minutes, then usually it turns out that you're angry because of some nonsense.
5. The fifth mistake: with me it will be different
After a self-examination is over, you can look for a partner, and from this side to assess the chances of your relationship. To do this today, as already mentioned, you can use a variety of tips - typing Jung or Myers-Briggs, tips or esoteric astrologers - but the easiest way to look at the person and ask yourself (and him) some questions
The first litmus test - is the ratio of the partner to the parents and relatives. It is important to listen to yourself in those moments when you witness your partner to communicate with his mother, father, sister or his ex-wife. If this communication you something jarring and pricks the eye, such as disrespect, neglect, rudeness - we can say with certainty that in a year and a half, your partner will start to treat you well, and it is unlikely you'll like it. Today he calls her "Shut up, you fool!", And you tweet "Shut up, little bird," but tomorrow, "fool", you will find yourself.
The second is the situation - this is to do with money, gifts, debts. Choosing a gift for someone with a third you uniquely identify how your partner relates to the balance between the "take" and "give." If he says something like, "We quickly on the way buy some souvenir" at a time as you spend a few days on the deliberation and implementation of gifts for loved ones, you are not on the way. On the first day of the birth, received "souvenir", you clap door. Or even earlier, because the balance between the "take" and "give" is easily broken even in such banal situations, such as washing dishes, cleaning, ironing. The list of important values for living together there are relevant to the child to rest, to self-development, but these moments are not as obvious as the relation to the parents and to the money. Look carefully at the man who next: your core values should be close, otherwise you will be disappointed
. 6. The sixth mistake: I hate your clarinet
! My friend recently divorced her husband after 20 years of marriage and having a history of general business and three children. The reason for the divorce - gambling husband, nearly empty by the world completely secured family. Do girlfriend knew about his allegiances, to marry him? She knew, but she believed that love would win all ...
REMEMBER:. Any formed addiction - to alcohol, tobacco, shopping, eating (bulimia), religious fanaticism, pathological laziness, deceit, and others - have very little chance of spontaneous healing. "Coming out of a man, we must understand that you will live with these preferences. And if they do not like now, then it will enrage and most likely to cause rupture. It can also be that life together will become history struggle - temporary victories and defeats of capital - with these preferences. Many people in this life are solved and, by the way, great feel in the role of victim: live with an alcoholic psychopath - a man full, not the victim, it is necessary to decide - if he could all his life to make a compromise with them and suffer addiction partner. "< br>
As a rule, almost everyone believes that it is her man will change and will be different - but in fact make it possible to only a few. The majority of the spending in the marriage of 15-20 years, a bitter lament, "and to whom I have given my best years." What is there to say? Who I wanted to - that and gave
. 7. Error Seven: ...., ...., as mi ...
. This fashionable, sophisticated, popular, unpopular topic I deliberately left to the very final. And not because it is the most simple and obvious, but quite the contrary. So, whether in choosing a partner to rely on their feelings in ....? It is clear that if the first ... everything is fine, there is no question - the body sings soul flies and it seems that happiness finally found you. However, wait rejoice: here dissuade chemistry, and ... will change beyond recognition - or will not change, and if you are really lucky
. If the first ... more unfortunate, then, too, all is not so simple as it might seem. If you have a successful experience ..... you know your body and know that the partner you just do not feel, do not understand and does everything wrong, even after your explanation - well, apparently it's not your man. On the other hand, if ... you did not accept, but you do not really know what you would like, or not fully open, nervous, etc. - You may want to give themselves and the partner of the second and sometimes a third and fourth chance
. Instead of a conclusion
The relationship does not depend on what differences there are between the people and how people deal with these differences.
This, among other things, that the relationship depends on the partners' ability to be in dialogue with each other. As many psychologists today, most people simply do not know how to talk. Clarification of the relationship between them is not a dialogue, but two monologues in which each expresses his claim to another, trying to convince the opponent that he was right.
Dialogue - it's another to hear and talk about themselves. If this fails, then the relationship is likely to be durable and strong.
.
However, to be honest, no girlfriend, no champagne, or even a whole box of fine chocolate does not eliminate the thoughts, what you did wrong and whether it was possible to somehow avoid this here "excruciatingly painful". Fuel to the fire of thought usually pour mother and grandmother: "I told you that? I have since the first day she knew it would not work for you! "And if you even myself can say in adequate condition" Yeah, that something you do not recognize from their three husbands in any alcoholic "in the state, when things are not as you want, willingly believe in the sad predictions of post-factum. And swear to myself to continue to be smarter, would not kiss up to the wedding, and certainly not to kiss on the first date, and definitely do not fall in love until .... And here is, in fact, that? Is there at least some way to predict in advance whether the relationship will become a source of pain or harmony and happiness?
Our grandmothers and great-grandmother to get an answer to this question, wondering. We went to the bath, pouring wax into cold water, holding the ring of candles and secretly ran to the gipsies. As the gypsy will tell and will develop a personal life - but what remains Yeshe if no personal therapist, psychologist or even a supernumerary, at least one of the entire village, our grandmother was not supposed to? More could trust astorologam or Ouija - but it's fun, most urban young ladies of the 20th century. Now we, too, of course, have the opportunity to "tell fortunes to the King," to stretch or even tarot runes to use the Book of Changes, or tips dream book ... But it is possible to go in a different way - for example, start with self-examination and analysis of the usual voids. Not the fact that will help, but it is necessary something to occupy time?
1. Error One: in the footsteps of their parents
"To find a soul mate, you must first find the first" popular wisdom. According to the theory of systemic family therapy, the first stage of development of the family - it is, oddly enough, you yourself. At this stage, you live alone, you learn to provide for themselves, stuffing bumps and communicate with potential partners. After such an experience with a new family you come already at least partially formed. If you create a family, just coming from the parent unit of society, the reward you get a complex "salad" of norms, rules and methods of interaction which have been adopted in your family, and the same set of partner.
"In order to understand what suits you and what does not, what are you willing to tolerate, and what - under any circumstances, what are your own values and goals, it is useful to live independently and to check their own experiences," baggage ", resulting from the parents. This will look at the potential partners according to their own values and not through the prism of the views of parents, which increases the chances of finding a "soul mate». "
This period also helps build a correct distance in relationships with parents and avoid too frequent and active intervention in the subsequent family life. And for those who still have not got rid of the Electra complex, close all possible gestalts on this topic. In short, do not neglect the pause!
2. The second error: dancing on the rake
According to the network for a long time I wandered tale about widowed old woman who some time later remarried. At the wedding, the young husband asks: "Mary, do not you recognize me?" And she answers, "I learned, Kolya learned long ago." Amazement relatives couple says that, it turns out, they were married - before the war, then divorced, and lost each other. Unexpected meeting joined them again ... Many girls perform this trick with an enviable stubbornness: the gift that Kohl name is John, then Peter, but over and over again, "marry the same guy"
. All of us in one way or another repeat their painful experience, inspiration, like jazz musicians improvising on the basic, familiar temu.I kogda-to if you had experience of failed relationships, hurt you, then chances are that sooner or later you will be tempted to choose a partner who will be able to confirm this experience.
To hedge against this error, honest look into the past and answer a few questions. What was your first boyfriend? Why did your relationship did not exist? And if there is a new friend something that vaguely reminiscent of "hero of the novel"?
3. The third error: mismatch
purposes Probably every woman in his life was a man who came to the ring, flowers and with a serious face suggested a "relationship". Well if the goals coincide, and if all you at this point was non-burdensome need is a holiday romance? He may even be able to captivate you for a while, but in the end the novel predictable collapse. Because - well, not the same goals - he needs a house, and you - the wind in the house
. TIP: Every time when you just think about the relationship or meet a man from which the heart beats faster and skips the beat, honestly answer yourself the question "what do you want from him, really?" The options can be many - from easy dizzying novel on a couple of weeks or a beautiful intellectual flirtation or thoughtless original ... to the trivial family with many siblings.
Incidentally, the ability to engage in dialogue - to answer your questions and listen to hear them, as well as at the time and the place to talk about themselves - can tell a lot about a man
. 4. Error Four: no tolerance
And one more anecdote, a parable, a popular network: "Dear Maria I. and Ivan, tell us how you managed to live together for a long 60 years?" - "We were married at the time when the broken things repaired instead of thrown away"
In this anecdote many worldly wisdom. Our grandmothers accustomed perelitsovyvat dresses, darn socks and sort out the rump, and could not think about the ease with which we treat the relationship today. Endure - slyubitsya, they said, they are mostly right. But in order to live up to this "slyubitsya" first he had to learn to tolerate and accept the person for who he is.
"If a person is able to tolerate and accept, in principle, on the unpleasant things to him, he szhivetsya and get used to any situation. He will be able to adapt to the other half, and adapt it for themselves. If the person is not able to understand, touchy and vindictive, then over the years to adapt it will be increasingly difficult.
Over the years, a man sharpened his characterological traits: Generous become spendthrift and fisted - a miser. Therefore, irritable irritability over the years only grows! Tolerance does not appear. If it does not - to live with a man who has something does not suit, it does not turn. Intolerance, like a time bomb, one day explode ".
If you know of a trait such as a lack of tolerance for other people's shortcomings, try to think about that and you're not perfect - Teach or some ingenious breathing technique. If you can not break into the first five minutes, then usually it turns out that you're angry because of some nonsense.
5. The fifth mistake: with me it will be different
After a self-examination is over, you can look for a partner, and from this side to assess the chances of your relationship. To do this today, as already mentioned, you can use a variety of tips - typing Jung or Myers-Briggs, tips or esoteric astrologers - but the easiest way to look at the person and ask yourself (and him) some questions
The first litmus test - is the ratio of the partner to the parents and relatives. It is important to listen to yourself in those moments when you witness your partner to communicate with his mother, father, sister or his ex-wife. If this communication you something jarring and pricks the eye, such as disrespect, neglect, rudeness - we can say with certainty that in a year and a half, your partner will start to treat you well, and it is unlikely you'll like it. Today he calls her "Shut up, you fool!", And you tweet "Shut up, little bird," but tomorrow, "fool", you will find yourself.
The second is the situation - this is to do with money, gifts, debts. Choosing a gift for someone with a third you uniquely identify how your partner relates to the balance between the "take" and "give." If he says something like, "We quickly on the way buy some souvenir" at a time as you spend a few days on the deliberation and implementation of gifts for loved ones, you are not on the way. On the first day of the birth, received "souvenir", you clap door. Or even earlier, because the balance between the "take" and "give" is easily broken even in such banal situations, such as washing dishes, cleaning, ironing. The list of important values for living together there are relevant to the child to rest, to self-development, but these moments are not as obvious as the relation to the parents and to the money. Look carefully at the man who next: your core values should be close, otherwise you will be disappointed
. 6. The sixth mistake: I hate your clarinet
! My friend recently divorced her husband after 20 years of marriage and having a history of general business and three children. The reason for the divorce - gambling husband, nearly empty by the world completely secured family. Do girlfriend knew about his allegiances, to marry him? She knew, but she believed that love would win all ...
REMEMBER:. Any formed addiction - to alcohol, tobacco, shopping, eating (bulimia), religious fanaticism, pathological laziness, deceit, and others - have very little chance of spontaneous healing. "Coming out of a man, we must understand that you will live with these preferences. And if they do not like now, then it will enrage and most likely to cause rupture. It can also be that life together will become history struggle - temporary victories and defeats of capital - with these preferences. Many people in this life are solved and, by the way, great feel in the role of victim: live with an alcoholic psychopath - a man full, not the victim, it is necessary to decide - if he could all his life to make a compromise with them and suffer addiction partner. "< br>
As a rule, almost everyone believes that it is her man will change and will be different - but in fact make it possible to only a few. The majority of the spending in the marriage of 15-20 years, a bitter lament, "and to whom I have given my best years." What is there to say? Who I wanted to - that and gave
. 7. Error Seven: ...., ...., as mi ...
. This fashionable, sophisticated, popular, unpopular topic I deliberately left to the very final. And not because it is the most simple and obvious, but quite the contrary. So, whether in choosing a partner to rely on their feelings in ....? It is clear that if the first ... everything is fine, there is no question - the body sings soul flies and it seems that happiness finally found you. However, wait rejoice: here dissuade chemistry, and ... will change beyond recognition - or will not change, and if you are really lucky
. If the first ... more unfortunate, then, too, all is not so simple as it might seem. If you have a successful experience ..... you know your body and know that the partner you just do not feel, do not understand and does everything wrong, even after your explanation - well, apparently it's not your man. On the other hand, if ... you did not accept, but you do not really know what you would like, or not fully open, nervous, etc. - You may want to give themselves and the partner of the second and sometimes a third and fourth chance
. Instead of a conclusion
The relationship does not depend on what differences there are between the people and how people deal with these differences.
This, among other things, that the relationship depends on the partners' ability to be in dialogue with each other. As many psychologists today, most people simply do not know how to talk. Clarification of the relationship between them is not a dialogue, but two monologues in which each expresses his claim to another, trying to convince the opponent that he was right.
Dialogue - it's another to hear and talk about themselves. If this fails, then the relationship is likely to be durable and strong.
