About restraint.

I have repeatedly heard the idea that, say, psychologists say that emotions do not need to hold back, and they need to always express. It turns out a kind of dream of a psychopath: just what you feel - dumped on another person, and he's let these floundering your emotions, you did something right, "as the psychologists say." Restraint - it's bad, it's "egotism" (not to be confused with selfishness), hypocrisy and conflict "politeness vs. sincerity" must always win sincerity (often understood as the outright rudeness not, well, four - kid should know that I I consider it a goat!).

In the same style as understood and known "Gestalt prayer" Perls: "I came into this world in order to meet your expectations." Somehow it is very easy to lose sight of the following line: "And you - not in order to meet mine." And it turns out that "if I do not like - bring out of here." The problem is that if the other is also not required to conform to our expectations, it can do well, not as we would like. And it has every right to do.

In general, once "the people", some psychological principles have become a wonderful "opravdalki" for psychopathic behavior in which there are no other people with their feelings, experiences and motives. There is only me, my experience and my psychological health that I will cherish for the rest of the expense. It's all psychologists say!

For this "long live the expression of emotions" lost what precedes this very expression. Emotions in the first place, it is important to realize. Be aware of, and only then think what to do. If we are to speak about the control of emotions, it does not attempt to suppress or ignore them and control their expression. Chain awareness / expressions of emotions like this: the awareness of the senses - the realization of the object, this feeling is calling - the decision on whether to express it or not - the choice of forms of expression of feelings - expression of feelings - (sometimes) prompted the addressee what is his action, these feelings cause. It looks awkward? Yes, if a feeling of awareness to understand the process of rigorous analysis / introspection. But if enough attention to the development of themselves and their feelings first two stages do not require much conscious effort, as well as expression. The points that require the greatest conscious presence, is often "to express or not?" And "and, if so, in what form to express?»

Talk to him about his anger or not? Lee said that such sex does not suit me, or not? I would like to tell the chief of all I think about his tyranny, because I'm mad at him terribly ...

For example: "I am very angry (feeling) on ​​him because he constantly interrupts me, talking to me in the diminutive form - I can not stand it! - And almost straight text says that he is more competent in all matters than I (sense objects). So tempted to call it a goat and jerk, show him in his place and his own mistakes (pulse causes a feeling). But it's an important man and his connection will I need. Then what is more important to me: my self-esteem, or a connection that will help achieve my goals? And why should I "educate" him respect his own shortcomings - the same is unlikely to change it (the awareness of choice). " The choice here is not obvious, and it is for everyone - individual. It is important that this choice was felt to.

"What I want to achieve, expressing to others what I feel, and choosing the specific form for this?". "I do it because I want to" work well in a situation with an expression of positive emotions, and even then not always - your feelings can scare the other, or be excessive (as an excessive, suffocating is some love grandmothers or mothers). "I'm doing this so that he knew and felt what was happening to me." This is another U-turn, and it includes both the message that I feel and the emotions at the moment resides. That is impassive "I'm mad at you" - is not working. But angry and emotional, "I'm angry !!!" - much more efficient, allowing you to throw and emotion and to convey a message. Another thing that is not clear yet, because of what angry and that your anger do differently.

So, under the restraint I understand a conscious choice not to express all the feelings in the moment, emotions or mitigate their expression dictated by the relevant and accessible to consciousness needs. All the rest has no relation to it. There is a difference between "restraint" from the face of fear response, and awareness of the importance of self-restraint not to throw out all that is in the shower. In the first case, it's just fear, and freedom of choice here. Restraint is not a situation where we do not recognize or try to ignore the current emotional state.

It has not yet decided what happens to you, anything sensible with it will not do. It is important to recognize that, for example, "I just feel terrible insult at him and want revenge." While there is a "no-no, I'm all tolerant" or "Yes, I never take offense!" - Ignored feelings will slip. Compare: "I'm not offended, I just express to you all that you think about!" And "I'm very offended at you and you just want to say this. Your argument is not ready to listen. " Or "Yes, I have a negative attitude towards you, and I realize this is prejudice. So I just listen ».

With the restraint it is important not to confuse and emotional poverty, greed on the expression of feelings in general. Conscious restraint is always situational and depends on the context: in what situations and in communion with anyone. "Restraint" is absolutely with all people and in all contexts, is possible only at a constant suppression of their natural reactions, and is fraught with total emotional explosion.

Some might call self-restraint "hypocrisy", saying that if you're angry, you have to express all the anger in full. Until the destruction? And if you feel anger towards the person whom you respect at the same time? You can get mad and loved ones. Hypocrisy - when, instead of one imposed on another. Discretion - the expression of a particular emotion with respect to whom it is addressed. For someone and rudeness - top sincerity.

In the heat of passion or close to similar analysis of their emotional reactions impossible, but it can be done after the fact, to draw a typical explosive scandal in real experience, my attitude or perception. You can disassemble their own irrational thoughts / installation that led to such a violent emotional reaction (which makes cognitive therapist), you can learn not to be afraid of your own strong feelings and are not afraid to express them (it's closer to the Gestalt therapist) - a lot more that can be done. But - there is always a point of choice. And the choice to keep emotions - not necessarily "wrong". For example, the problem of people with hysteroid temperament is just that they can not hold their own emotional reactions and their right bears, and bears, so that at this moment can not be stopped, and after the wood can be mangled in such a way that the relationship recovery are not subject. And then you can learn self-restraint.

The internet provides much more opportunity to make a choice. When someone starts to insult the Internet - whether it is a normal troll or overwrought opponent (especially for Political Affairs), always in the present case there is a pause, allowing to ask yourself the question: what, in fact, I want out of this conversation? To vent the anger that has arisen in response to the insults? Throw out the offense? Prove your opponent (often - complete stranger), that he is wrong? Or something to agree to bring their point of view? That is the definition of what I want to influences, whether I am to express their emotions or not, and if I - in what form. Ignore any insults and attempts to ruffle on deaf ears, as the non-reality, focusing on the fact, or to unburden himself and stop communicating. Pause and the ability to determine what is more important to me now, in the case of a virtual conversation is always there. Another thing is that we do not use it often.

And now, one very important point. If one, two, or kept hold back their emotions (expressing their more subdued than I would like), knowing what it is doing - it will not affect some terrible way to health and psyche, stress to the body - not news. If you do it all the time - then the question arises to what is going on in your relationship with your reactions? Or, for example, not too high a price you pay for not to be, for example, insults or humiliation?

To sum up a little. The point is not whether or not to contain emotions. And to realize that what we do when we choose a particular course of action. This is the freedom of expression of emotions. Because when the "bears" and "I could not stop myself" - this is definitely not about freedom.

Author Ilya Latypov